Swivelhead on rollercoaster, reigning in the chaos Eyes all up and down til the end comes into sight Cool down those heels, breathe deep the pathos A choice to cultivate the desire to face the fight
In calm I see, in chaos blind* The art of living, peace of mind
Tired because I had slept too much over the last two days and so struggled to sleep last night along with Cap wanting to be let out and back in again three times. I hope to get home in the early afternoon and catch up on some sleep then. The air is still making me feel dizzy and sick too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The four staff at the post office who I communicated with Google Translate telling them that I didn’t want to pay customs tax on a parcel from Yukari in Japan. The shirt and CDs were already expensive and I don’t want to have to pay even more just to receive them.
Anyway, in my mind I’m already resigned to having to pay the tax but I thought that I would try my best to not and the four guys were all a little stuck as it is just their job to collect the money and send it to the customs people.
I explained that the things in the parcel were just some stuff that I left in Japan when I was visiting there and it was just being sent back to me. The value on the customs declaration is just for insurance claims if it gets lost. They were sympathetic but said they just collected the money.
This would be different in Australia where you have a good chance of not paying import duty if you can argue a good case as I have done in the past on several occasions.
Well, as it was up to the customs people I asked them to call them and explain the situation. They tried but said there was no answer, maybe because it was lunchtime. OK, when you’ve talked to them you can call me and I gave them my phone number and left.
I doubt that they will call as none of them speak English so I will go back in a day or two and see what the situation is.
The best thing about today was:
Getting my grading files all done and dusted by 9.30am, allowing me time to enjoy coffee before a little bit of shopping, where, finally, Big C has the Strawberry Granola in stock again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I suppose the situation above that I describe about the customs tax is out of my control and I dealt with it calmly and softly. There was no point in getting upset with the staff at the post office – they were just doing their job.
How do I deal with uncertainty?
I remind myself that everything is uncertain. When you consider that everything is uncertain and that you have been dealing with this reality for 56 years already, you might not be exactly sure how you deal with it but like my mum always said you ‘just get on with it.’
I have become more flexible and accepting of change over time, something I know that Hayden often struggles with. I have also reduced my expectations around things being a certain way – Thailand has taught me this quite well.
I took this picture because Cap looked like he was curled up in a warm winter house with a fire roaring nearby which couldn’t be further from the truth. This old man is still so cute.
Better after arriving at school this morning, the kids cheered me a little.
I struggled a little with getting up and exercising but once I got going it was ok. I ate extra yoghurt for breakfast too as I think that now I’m eating better because of Amy’s cooking I’m not actually eating enough. I seem to be losing weight quite easily; it feels a little too easy. I will try to eat a little extra today but must stick with healthy things.
Today I’m grateful for:
The free time I had today and also finishing early to watch some of the students practising for their sports day events (or just sitting around waiting for instructions and complaining a lot!). The kids are sure happier to spend less time in class.
The best thing about today was:
Some of my old grade 9 students saw me working in the small teacher’s room and came to chat. One of them, August (the girl who likes dance), was curious about what I was doing on my computer.
I was translating one of my lessons about sexual abuse in Thailand into Thai because I will teach it again to my grade 10 class whose English isn’t so good and I want them to understand as much as possible.
As she was reading the Thai translation I was quite happily surprised when she started reading it out in English, doing the translation in her head. She was then curious about the rest of the lesson and I went through it quickly with her, asking for her opinion on what is appropriate behaviour or not.
She had finished the work in her own class, where she was supposed to be and so stayed and asked about what other lessons I was teaching, so I showed her one about relationships, which I had also got translations for and she then helped me find better words for students to understand.
In the end, time was up but she was enjoying helping that she was reluctant to go.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sat and talked with the grade 7 student who reached out to me about mental health. His English is very good, much better than the rest of his class, and as a counterbalance to that, he can’t communicate as well in Thai! This is causing him some problems with making friends in his class.
He is also very thoughtful but sometimes he thinks too much and goes over things again and again. He is, thankfully, quite self-aware.
I gave him some suggestions and feel like he will be able to work things out though I think his abilities will mean that he will always feel a little separate from others.
What am I looking forward to this month?
The thing I look forward to most at the moment is being at school and I think this month will be a lot of fun, with having shorter classes and the kids excited about sport, Christmas and days off.
What is one thing I learned about myself this month?
I learned that I can still keep calm despite the reasonably big stresses of money and visa issues this month. I’ve learned to trust in myself and others and that things will turn out ok. This is a little different to how I might have been five or ten years past.
In Western countries, life can be quite rigid and your posture adapts accordingly. Things need to be known and in order for them to run smoothly.
In Thailand, I’ve learned that things rarely run smoothly but that everyone readily adapts without complaint. I’ve been learning this over the five years I’ve been here so that the problems that have occurred in the last month that might have been stressful before are more manageable now.
I took this picture from a video of the super naughty (and hilarious) KB hamming it up for the camera and her friends after fighting with me about doing work. It’s difficult to get angry with her because she is so funny and she does usually finish things with a push. She is also capable but just immature and lazy right now.
The breeze blows through the open door -Outside whipping the trees –A glass of cold water waits —It is happiness pure and plain —-Mr Piano Man plays a song for me —-I’ve nowhere else to be —Using words to explain –That the world demonstrates -It will do as it may please The breeze blows through once more
Dizzy. Not unhappy or down just bothered by feeling sick. I ended up coming home after my first class as I was getting dizzier. I sent some instructions to my other two classes to complete some work for me this afternoon. I wonder if they will do it!
Today I’m grateful for:
Medicine that is helping my body fight this flu. David was telling me he thought he was getting sick but didn’t take any medicine just using natural remedies instead. Which is fine but everything is chemicals and the virus is natural too.
The best thing about today was:
Starting to feel better by late afternoon, at least until I move too fast. Then I feel dizzy again. I ended up doing a lot of Thai study today, getting back into the ThaiPod101.com learning. I’m considering paying for it again and pushing myself.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got home I got into bed and setup with my laptop. Cap was scratching at the door so I decided to let him in for a change. But within a second of jumping on my bed he started peeing and when I smacked him he jumped over to Amy’s and started peeing there. Motherfucker! I quickly grabbed up everything and shoved it into the washing machine. So much for getting some rest. I’m in the living room now and maybe I’ll nap a little.
Something I learned today?
According to newly declassified documents, in 1992 the US government laid out plans for Asia never to be allowed to be ruled over by an Asian country. It must always remain under US control.
When was the last time I cried?
A lot of tears were shed immediately after Kim’s passing and still now when I think of her my eyes get wet, even as I’m writing this.
When do I feel most calm?
When I’m alone.
I took this picture because Baitong came good on her promise to paint me a picture from her imagination. Amy was impressed and wondered if she could pay her to paint a picture of our cats.
If this isn’t enough, then what is? We have a reasonably long life of occasional bliss The canvas is blank and beautiful, waiting To be painted with all your colours, creating
Those times that can never be killed An overflowing cup that can never be filled Smell the roses, and don’t forget to smell the sweat Sit in the back of the bus shouting ‘Are we there yet?’
Today I’m feeling:
I slept ok but the sunlight is waking me up in the mornings. Maybe I should get up earlier. Just set my alarm ten minutes earlier. See how it goes tomorrow. Feeling reasonably good. My back is still sore but I got through an ab workout this morning. My first class was a bit tough with trying to get everybody into Quizizz. In that class, there are a couple of annoying kids identified so far but most of the others seem cool. I must try to remain calm. I must try to remain calm. I must….
Today I’m grateful for:
My old schoolmate Rupert, who has been much better at maintaining friendships with other schoolmates than myself. As I was writing out my 1984 diary I came across the name Ange but only had a very vague recollection about her. Rupert gave me her full name and reminded me how we both fantasised about her!
The best thing about today was:
Being reminded of so many things whilst writing out my 1984 diary over the last two days. That seemed like a crazy defining year in many ways. Despite hating school so much I did feel a sense of loss and overwhelming change when leaving. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just had a huge long list of things I didn’t want to do.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It’s the old fallback of the out-of-control class today as my previously boisterous grade 7s are now boisterous grade 8s. However, I think I dealt with it ok, in the fact that I couldn’t control them but I could at least control myself!
Something I learned today?
I stumbled across a video of a better neck-stretching exercise rather than just the regular pull-your-head to the left and then to the right. I’ll give it a go for a while, adding it to my never-ending list of stretches I should do as an older gentleman.
What are some memorable moments from this past month?
Going back to school and seeing the students again would be my number one. I know one day I will have to leave this all behind and that will be sad but also will mean moving on to the next thing. There have been other minor memorable moments this month and that is as it should be. I would prefer consistency over highs and lows and to be honest, despite how good everything is really, when I walk to close the gate in the early evening and I look up I still feel like it is not complete anymore because that one little cat, that lovely little Kim, is gone.
I took this picture because these clouds looked promising but have amounted to nothing so far. Come on rain!
You gotta be on it to be in it You gotta lose sometimes to win it To be on it – at the top of your game Winging it is just not the same
As long as I’m alive, I will continue to try to understand more because the work of the heart is never done.
Muhammad Ali
Today I’m grateful for: The perfect temperature. I haven’t had aircon on all day and spent some time outside in the hammock before the rain came then doing some pot plant reorganising. The best thing about today was: A general sense of calm and enjoying the slow speed of the day. I lazed and I also got things done. Everything was important and everything could have waited. Time slowed down.
I took this picture because it stood out to me as a simple and meaningful piece of art. I found it on Facebook and don’t know who the artist is.
I highlighted these quotes as I was reading, as they struck me for some reason. Now as I sit and reflect on them I sometimes wonder exactly what it was that stood out and if it’s not obvious I guess that the truth I saw in these words is not as deep as I thought. Quotes that remain obvious for their inclusion would seem to highlight a deeper belief I have about the world.
Extracts from White Nights (Dostoyevsky)
…you’re sorry that the ephemeral beauty has faded so rapidly, so irretrievably, that is flashed so deceptively and pointlessly before your eyes – you’re sorry, for you didn’t even have time to fall in love with her…
When I was a teenager or twenty-something I would often look at people in the distance and try to see through their eyes at that moment in time and wonder what they were experiencing in their head. Could I jump, movie-like, from this life experience into a totally new one? Would it be better? Did I feel an urge to escape my own life?
Other times I would see a pretty girl and pretend to fall in love in that moment, hear her breath leave her mouth as I softly kissed her neck, then live a lifetime together in blissful happiness. In an instant these thoughts would disappear back behind other inane thoughts I might have. But, for that brief moment, I lived entire lives.
…moments like this are so rare in my existence that I must repeat them again and again in my thoughts.
These are happy thoughts and memories and as I’ve gotten older I realise they are not as rare as I thought. The more I have been writing and remembering, the big transformative negative events have given way to the smaller transformative positive ones. And as there have been less negative events in the last decade or two I feel like I must be getting somewhere. Repeating thoughts of positive memories must surely have the equal opposite benefit of continued negative ones. This could be a valid use of the word exponential.
…deep down the queer fish really means well.
Just call me ‘the queer fish’.
At any moment, I see more clearly than ever before that I’ve wasted my best years.
Everyone must feel this to some degree. It’s kind of relative. I wish I was as wise as I am now when I was a teenager. I’m envious of those who seem to have a level head at that age, yet also jealous of those crazy mad dogs charging into everything without thought and getting away with it. I consider everything that happened to me has gotten me to where I am now. Ok, I’m not as fit and healthy as when I was a teenager but inside I don’t feel any different, especially when it comes to the possibilities….I feel much more capable now, capable of learning new things and persisting. Though falling off a skateboard aged 40 taught me some things are probably too late to take up.
In the end, you feel that your much-vaunted, inexhaustible fantasy is growing tired, debilitated, exhausted, because you’re bound to grow out of your old ideals; they’re smashed to splinters and turn to dust, and if you have no other life, you have no choice but to keep rebuilding your dreams from the splinters and dust, But the heart longs for something different!
I’m not sure why I specifically highlighted this but it is giving me several ideas. Those ‘much-vaunted inexhaustible fantasies’ smashed; due to maturity, due to change, due to circumstance. I think I’ve been quite flexible in this regard and been able to accept changes and moving on as they happened. ‘Rebuilding your dreams’… is nothing to be afraid of.
I was struck by a passage in Sam McPheeters book ‘Mutations’ where he says he suddenly changed from going to see shows many times a week to not being interested in seeing live music at all – like a switch that went off for him. My circumstances in 2013 suddenly meant that I could no longer afford (or choose to afford) going to shows after about 8 years of being out every weekend. I missed the thrill and the camaraderie, meeting friends, frenzied noise and the joys of working together but ultimately I easily accepted this new situation. Perhaps because I had a higher goal at the time – to move myself to Thailand.
‘Grow out of your ideals’….this, I feel, is something that didn’t change for me. I still carry the same ideals – even useless ones. I am an idealist more than a realist. It’s a source of personal unhappiness but by itself a virtue.
‘But the heart longs for something different’…the grass is always greener. I’m learning now to be satisfied. My brain is not switched off to new ideas and possibilities and I don’t wish to become an old man stuck in his ways but I am learning to relax into a peaceful rhythm of life, sitting in my own comfortable space within a beautiful house with a beautiful garden, in a strange otherworld of a foreign country and in the comfort of my own mind. This is what I wanted, this is what I got, so now I must enjoy the reward.
I know exactly why I highlighted this yet I think I only agree the first clause of this sentence. I have some very vivid memories of certain places that contributed to a great passionate love that sticks with me to this day. It was a very special time that I hope I can put into words one day. I would often revisit those places, searching for that brief passion within me, ultimately knowing that it won’t be found again. I have accepted that and even feel happier without that high, because those kinds of highs were always followed by lows, whether the following week, month, year or decade. I am much more at peace these days. I do still wish I was more mature at the time. I would’ve hurt less people, including myself.
It has been a sad, drizzly day, without relief – just like my future senility. I am oppressed by strange thoughts and dark sensations; throngs of vague questions obsess me, but I have neither the strength nor the desire to cope with them.
“…just like my future senility’ made me chuckle. What about my current senility? Although not this day, I am often oppressed by throngs of vague questions. Some days I love them and others I don’t have the strength for them. On those days I usually accept the situation and watch TV. I am trying to be kind to myself, waiting on my future senility.
…our own unhappiness makes us more sensitive to the unhappiness of others.
I can feel this deeply sometimes and the effort to take other people out of their funk may help my own depression yet the advice I can give others is much more difficult to follow myself. This is a common experience for most people and I have tried to practice talking less and trying to find other ways to pick people up. This is particularly interesting when there’s little point in talking to ESL students or friends as they don’t have the vocabulary to understand anyway. Cultural differences often stand in the way too. I don’t want to come across as being some kind of expert or having the right way but can only try to offer suggestions.
Tell me, why aren’t we all like brothers? Why does even the best person hold something from another?
What a crazy world it would be if we never held anything back. All truths were told. There must be science fiction stories about this. A utopia or a place where humans completely destroyed each other? This concept is too huge for my tiny little brain right now. Is it even worth thinking about?
Naval Ravikant suggested that asking the question ‘what is the meaning of life’ is pointless, at least in the purpose of producing an answer, but the process of trying to answer the question will still provide worthwhile results.
…we won’t resent for long a wound inflicted by those we love..
I’m reminded of a recent time when a friend offered me advice along with the statement that “I’m only saying this because I love and care about you.” I forget what the advice was now but considered this statement. I took it at face value at the time though also felt a little strange about it – what was the real purpose of the statement?
A few months later and for one reason or another I had done something to upset this friend and now they no longer talk with me. Of course, I could have behaved better though it’s not exactly clear to me what it was that triggered this change in friendship status. Then I thought back to this statement and I realised that it was said without sincerity. It was said just to make them feel good.
Now, that’s ok. Because I’m sure I do this all the time. But I try not to. I want to be completely sincere (or obviously insincere – that’s the English in me again!). I would be a terrible poker player – I cannot hide my feelings on my face and I don’t care to learn.
As to those I love, all wounds are forgiven but I also don’t spread my love so deep and far. Maybe I should. But I’m afraid. What am I really afraid of?
Now I’m getting to vague questions that I may not have the strength to contemplate.
Brain dump
Take it easy. No need to push real hard, just do something – every little bit helps.
You are a student and a teacher. Clearer mind this morning – not so much in it.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my calm mind this morning. I had a good sleep and woke up with not so many thoughts rattling around and I think it is because I am not teaching proper classes at the moment so I have taken the internal pressure off. I hope I can achieve this state more often when I am teaching normally. Got to balance my care.
I am so happy and grateful to be sitting by the river this morning for a coffee.
To-do list
Be nice to everyone you meet ½
Stay calm, stay quiet, listen well ½
Practice a mantra ‘it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine’
Find out about teaching options but keep it simple! ✅
Drop by HomePro and check out weights ✅
I started off the day a little quiet and morose and even George’s positivity rubbed me a little the wrong way despite knowing he was right.
By the afternoon though I had turned things around in my head enough to be able to more quickly dismiss negative thoughts. I was polite to everyone I met though I realise I could be upbeat and smiling (even though wearing a mask).
I was calm and quiet though maybe I could have listened better. There Wasn’t really any occasion that necessitated using the mantra today, even though there were a couple of times I could have gotten wound up.
I got home quite energised, chopped up the fallen papaya and drank two beers which, due to the heat and humidity had very little effect. They did contribute to a more relaxed feeling though – getting back to some semi-normality is a welcome relief.
Tomorrow I should smile more and greet people in a more friendly manner. I have an idea of what I’m doing now work-wise so I can relax a little more.
I am so happy and grateful that I can remain calm today despite the stupidity surrounding me. I have been asked to control myself emotionally and not get too worked up.
For everyone is pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen, into an indifferent universe, and because of that everyone wants, while there is still time, to turn himself into a universe of words.
Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting
To-do list
Pictures for Fern and Chinese teacher
AirAsia refunds and Agoda
Fill out topic overview for Champ
Read some Pocket articles ✅
Just Dance!
What an interesting and fun day today was in the end. So, after thinking I had completed everything yesterday I went to school to clock in and Amy and I went around the city doing some shopping. At about 10 am I started getting messages that I am supposed to be at school even though there is nothing to do. So I head back and apparently, there were things that needed to be fixed in the grading files – even though I had followed all their instructions and they OK’d it the day before.
So, while I’m helping them fix these I get a message from TLC saying I won’t be getting paid. I was quite proud of my fairly calm reaction and luckily kept my mouth shut long enough, and to talk with Amy. We thought it best to offer TLC that I finish with the school and forget about the money. I found the whole stupid situation quite amusing and a sad reflection on these poor people.
I helped Kru Noon and did everything she asked of me. I like her – she has been very sympathetic and she lamented and apologised for what she knows is a terrible school. She’s stuck there so I consider myself quite lucky. I came home and forgot about my tasks and challenges today as I felt like I had lost my focus due to these events. Not to worry. I’ll get back onto it tomorrow, though do feel like I am on holiday now.
I am so happy and grateful for the help my co-workers give me.
17th Mar 2023 – Fuck me, Shaun! What was this help!? Sometimes I just have to pretend that I am good with words. Still, at least I got something down for the day! Perhaps there’s more information hidden away in another book somewhere.
The paradox of the internet has always been that the thing that’s connecting us all also seems to be driving us apart.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Shut your mouth! I know you want to speak – but DON’T!!! ✅
Pictures for Fern and Chinese teacher
Figure out 6 daily life topics ✅
AirAsia refunds
Stay calm and stay chill – sabai sabai ✅
I stayed calm and clear today and believe that I successfully did what was asked of me, without complaint.
I rewarded myself by coming home early and relaxing with TV – almost forgetting about having to teach Bruce. That was a bit of a shock to the system but again, I dealt with it quite well.
Tomorrow I need to start planning for next semester – working for my new masters!
1994ever 