“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Shared with Momoetry April Poet Month challenge – growth
Submitted to FOWC with Fandango — Interrupt and NaPoMo.
Today I’m feeling:
Like time is running away too fast. I should not waste what I have been given. But is any of it worthwhile? Well, it has to be. I convince myself.
Today I’m grateful for:
The man at the bottle shop who put the tray of soda water onto the back seat of the truck for me.
The best thing about today was:
Taking Baipad and her neighbour Butter (another one, a boy this time, though quite effeminate) up to the University to teach them to ride a motorbike.
Baipad struggled but Butter picked it up quickly. It was only after talking with them both a little more I discovered that Butter had learned how to ride a pushbike but Baipad never did. Butter still has a bike so I told Baipad to practice on that as soon as possible. Better she falls off that than a motorbike.
After a few more goes Baipad improved every time but she needs to practice more to get her balance worked out.
Something I learned today?
The current Zionist-enforced famine in Gaza is the highest number of people ever recorded as facing catastrophic hunger. Worse than Darfur, Somalia and Yemen.
Israel teaching the world how to genocide. The irony?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I fixed the hose with the new connector that Amy picked up. Works perfectly again.
Teaching riding a motorbike to a couple of 15-year-olds.
What’s one thing I can simplify?
I have simplified a lot over the last few years. As my main focus now is teaching I think that I could simplify my classes for my students, though more importantly for myself.
Sometimes I overestimate the ability of my students and with the usual disparity of skill levels in a single classroom it is a delicate balance to try and keep everyone happy.
Inspired by a phrase in this post at Spinning Visions
Today I’m feeling:
Better than expected. Yesterday my energy kept increasing after the slow stumbling start and I didn’t feel like a nap and was expecting to be tired at bedtime but instead still felt awake and enjoyed watching TV and reading. Before midnight I turned out the light but struggled to slow my mind down before finally falling asleep for what must have been less than six hours rest, and even then waking up a little before my alarm went off. I talked myself into exercise, something which is becoming easier each day (each working day at least) and still appreciative and inspired by the slowly changing form I see in the mirror.
Today I’m grateful for:
Meeting Fah and Gafile who are my old students and in grade 10 now. They told me they were worried about an English exam that they had today. As I was doing my own Thai language study tonight I remembered about their exams and sent them a message to see how they did. They didn’t do so well so they know that they need to improve. I’m grateful that they are still always happy to see me and despite struggling in my classes too, they wish that I was still teaching them.
The best thing about today was:
Seeing Amy’s dad looking good after his operation. He was in pain but was fairly cheerful and already able to walk himself to the bathroom. His doctor is hoping that from what they saw during the operation that he won’t need any chemo. He should know by Friday.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My one class today were in a playful mood and I let them loose a little, though still asking them to answer a few questions which made them think. I plan to ask them the same questions in each class this week and hope to see some improvement in their thinking during that time. But I’m also not taking it too seriously either.
Something I learned today?
Through asking my students what they learned today they told me that in their science class, they learned about India sending a spacecraft to the moon. Chandrayaan-3 was the first successful landing at the lunar south pole.
I like that students learned about this and maybe don’t know so much about previous achievements by the USA and USSR. It reminds me that the stories children are presented with deeply affect their thoughts about the world.
What is within my control right now?
Whether I should let Cap in the door or not. Whether I should turn the aircon down and go to the kitchen to get a soda water. When I eat and what time I go to bed. Whether I play guitar or watch TV or both. To decide if I have written enough here. Whether I’m tired and happy or tired and grumpy.
Many day-to-day minor events are within my control. Almost anything else is outside my control.
found in pictures here
18th May 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good. A little run down from a weirdly exhausting day and I’m not excited for the rest of the week. All my classes were simple but the last one of the day is always a little frustrsting as these impatient grade 8s want to leave as soon as they can. Me too!
Today I’m grateful for:
The plentiful snacks I have around that have carried me through my busy early evening with taking to the vet again for one more blood test. I’m grateful he’s all back to normal too.
The best thing about today was:
Having to take Tigger to the vet meant more time to listen to podcasts. The day has been good (apart from the news below) but nothing really stood out as being the best. Another day in a string of reasonable, positive happy days.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Talk is that for this coming holiday will only be ten days. I’ve already booked my flights to Australia and will be going anyway. It may mean losing some pay but no matter. David was quite disheartened by the news especially as last year we had four weeks holiday. I laughingly told him to fix his attitude and turn it around to ‘at least we have ten days holiday’ but I can understand his disappointment. It’s been a tough semester and he has the two terrible grade 8 classes that I had last year. It’s tiring for real.
After getting the good news that Tigger’s blood is back to normal I called Amy to give her the good news. In turn, she told me that along with Grandmum not eating, her dad was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer and will need to go for chemo. This will all put a lot of strain on her mum and also puts my travel to Australia in jeopardy. Bad timing but what can we do? I’m not so fussed about having to change plans or losing money on flight tickets but more dejected about the ever-increasing number of upcoming funerals that lay ahead.
What do I complain about the most?
As an English person I have no idea what I complain about because I am not conscious of ever doing it. Even I notice how much other English people complain!
I ‘think’ I don’t complain about much these days but now that I am writing about it I know the sad truth.
The thing I complain about most is my student’s behaviour. This I can accept as they are aged between 12 and 16 and I know what I was like at that age. It’s just behaviour, not the person. What I really would complain about is adults behaving in the same way. I don’t hang about many adults now pretty much for this reason. Other adult’s bullshit is tiring. They don’t have the excuse of being a teenager anymore.
And I know that the same criticism can be levelled at me too. Another reason not to hang around with adults. When I fuck up like that with my kids it’s all forgotten and forgiven in the same way I would do for them.
16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to Poets and Storytellers United
Today I’m feeling:
Positive and happy. Mondays are a breeze for me so I enjoyed the whole morning drinking coffee after greeting all the students at assembly. When I went back to school I made some photocopies for David to help him out a little. He is still confused about how things work here and doesn’t really try to help himself in that regard. I chatted with him for a fair while too. He was trying to guess my star sign as he is really into astrology but he guessed wrong and I wouldn’t tell him after that.
I had my first class with new students and took it very easy with them. They were cautious but seemed happy enough. The class didn’t feel too big even though there are 29 students. I felt good and came home as that was me done for the day.
Today I’m grateful for:
The gummy sticky oily rubber tape that Amy’s dad bought to hopefully stop the guttering from leaking in the garage next time it rains. I sanded the metal down and cut the tape to size. The tape smells like it’s full of cancer which, I don’t know, maybe gives it a balance in that something made of carcinogenic material is likely the only thing to stop the bad thing from happening. I’m reasonably hopeful it will work in the short term but all the different types of relentless weather tests even things made of stone. I also need to get on the roof and check the gutter is clear too. Dirt gets trapped up there easily and plants and weeds here don’t need much of anything to start growing.
The best thing about today was:
Almost all my students coming to me saying that they miss me and they want me to be their teacher again. I know they’ll soon get over it but it definitely made me feel good.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Oddly, despite this being the first day back in class I can’t really find anything that felt out of my control. Talking with David he started saying he doesn’t know how I do it, in reference to just getting on with my job and not letting the people around me bother me. It took me a while to figure it out and find the balance I need to be stable. David overthinks things sometimes and sure people are out to get him in some way whereas I’ve come to the conclusion that other people are thinking about you very little, if at all. And even if they are gossiping it’s none of my business. I’m doing what I’m doing and if that’s not good enough then I’m sure someone will let me know.
Something I learned today?
Well, I guessed I learned a little about one of my classes of new students. I see them again first thing in the morning and will do little interviews with them to get a better idea of where they are at. I will be learning quite a lot this week – more than the students!
How can I make today amazing?
I don’t do amazing. Why is amazing something to strive for? My mundane days are full of amazing things. Every interaction with every atom around me is amazing for what it is. Of course, I’m not always thinking about each of those interactions but when I do I find myself in awe.
Today was filled with love, joy and happiness.
My first day of teaching and I only have one hour to teach, annoyingly at 1.30 so I have to wait around all morning. This is ok though. I can get a bunch of things done and ensure that I have things prepared for the rest of the week.
Recently I haven’t been taking Tramadol very often and I’m surprised at the lack of side effects not taking it this time; usually, I get really dizzy. But I think I’ll pop some again once I get back into the working habit.
I’m feeling pretty okay again. I’m glad to be out of home, as much as I love it there.
One of my students, Eing Eing, was a little reticent about studying with David this semester and kept telling me she wanted me to teach her and that she loves me. Quite a few students are disappointed that I’m not teaching them.
It’s a nice feeling to have their appreciation. But this is life and we don’t get everything we want.
Soon enough they will be telling David that they love him too.
It’s catching up, chasing at our heels
Kicking guts and stabbing in the feels
Lumps are growing, now we’re knowing
This is the worst of God’s shitty deals
We stand before the world, in all its majesty and torment, and say ‘we mean something’ – we, who contribute in some way toward the betterment of the world; we, who have skin in the game; we, who improve matters; we, who care. We find, to our utter astonishment, that we have faith in ourselves.
Nick Cave
Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
The rain again. It’s not long since the rainy season ended but in that short time, the garden was getting parched and forcing me to water far more often than my laziness would like. But today, I can lie down and relax and watch the downpour doing the work for me.
The best thing about today was:
Taking about an hour to leave school as at every turn there were new groups of students wanting to chat. I had good conversations with many of them, my current students, my old students and even some I don’t teach.
Are you in control of your life?
As much as it is possible to be. So many factors can not be controlled and honestly, it is better that way.
“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”
Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.
I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.
It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.
I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.
When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.
I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.
If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.
Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.
To-do list
A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.
I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.
It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.
I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.
Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.
It was a weekend of dying. In the morning, Kimi, my great friend in Kuala Lumpur passed away at the too young age of 36. In the afternoon our neighbour’s grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 90.
My one aim in life was to live longer than my father, something which I managed to surpass in the last year or so. My father died when I was just 18 months old; lung cancer, after a lifetime of being advertised to the health benefits of smoking. It’s difficult to gauge exactly what effect that event had on my life but it is surely significant. Death was a part of my life from the beginning.
One of my earliest memories is aged 4, sitting up in my bed, crying my eyes out, knowing that one day I would die. I couldn’t believe it. What was this thing called life all about if you just ended up dying?
Whilst I was sitting around crying for my friend far away, feeling useless, the neighbours were busy making preparations.
Could I get to KL to be with everyone? What kind of funeral ceremonies do my Muslim friends have? Are they celebrations of someone’s life or sombre occasions like in most of the west?
I’ve become somewhat familiar with Thai funerals unfortunately. Many of Amy’s family are at that age when funerals come along more often. I’m also getting to the age when more and more friends will leave too. And it will be my turn sooner than I’d like too.
In the smaller villages of Thailand it is still traditional to keep the body in the home for around 5 days before cremation. I’m not sure about burial here. All the funerals I have attended have been cremations and the only places I have seen graves are for people with Chinese backgrounds. I think burial should only really be used if a tree is planted along with the body which I know has started to become more popular in some places and seems to make a lot of environmental sense.
Gatherings, food, prayers and respects are shown by visitors to the home, from relatives and the local residents. Family spread out all over the country will drive back to attend. As this grandfather was 90 years old and his family have lived in the village his whole life it was due to be a big turnout. So big that local farmers where hired to clear the jungle land opposite our house to make an impromptu car park. There were some big rats living in there that were quickly grabbed by the locals and I don’t want to guess what for.
Huge gazebos were erected, a PA system bigger than Motorhead (every house seems to own huge PAs – even worse when combined with their Karaoke machines!) Each night for 5 nights, crowds would gather, monks would chant, food would be served until on the final day a huge silver decorated cart would take the body off to the crematorium, followed by everyone as it spiralled through the village.
I sat through an hour or so each night of chanting and it was quite meditative and mesmerising, especially as I was often lost in thought for my friend Kimi. I then struggled through another night of a chief monk talking. I didn’t struggle with his words, though I didn’t understand anything, it was the crappy plastic chairs playing havoc with my back and posture. The monk was hilarious, the crowd often erupting into laughter and I could feel the ease within everyone. He even joked about me and was sad that I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Of course the whole crowd turned to look at me. I think I’m just know locally as ‘that farang’ who lives here. Amy translated a lot for me so I got some of the fun. At the end the monk opened up his homemade accoutrements to make a little extra cash. People gotta eat I guess.
In contrast, I finally heard what happened to Kimi and discovered that Muslim tradition requires the body to be buried as quickly as possible. I don’t know what kind of ceremonies happen around that and I’m guessing not everyone in his family would have been able to attend this.
Kimi had been finalising some concerts for some European bands and the Kuala Lumpur concert will happen this coming weekend. I will fly down to meet Kimi’s wife and all our mutual friends. I will treat the concert somewhat as a memorial to my great friend.
These coincident deaths have obviously brought sharply into focus thoughts around death but as I wrote last time, these thoughts are still confusing. I’m still processing it all.
I’m very grateful to have made friends with Kimi 12 years ago and to have felt such a connection that we remained in contact over this time, worked together often and I visited him many times and he always showed me his big heart; giving me excruciating massages, taking me jungle river swimming and one time directing me into the ocean filled with jellyfish – a story that is repeated for everyone on every visit. He didn’t piss on my jellyfish sting but I know he would’ve if I had asked him.
23 years, 26 years, 52 years, 90 years. It’s not enough for anyone. Soon, all our names will be forgotten, let’s remember whilst we can.
Come hither, my lads, with your tankards of ale,
Drinking Song from the “Tomb” by Rudimentary Peni
And drink to the present before it shall fail;
Pile each on your platters a mountain of beef,
For ’tis eating and drinking that bring us relief:
So fill up your glass, For life will soon pass;
When you’re dead ye’ll ne’er drink to your king or your lass!
Anacreon had a red nose, so they say
But what’s a red nose if ye’re happy and gay?
Gad split me! I’d rather be red whilst I’m here,
Than white as a lily and dead half a year!
So Betty my miss, Come give me a kiss;
In hell there’s no inkeeper’s daughter like this!
Young Harry, propp’d up just as straight as he’s able,
Will soon lose his wig and slip under the table,
But fill up your goblets and pass ’em around
Better under the table than under the ground!
So revel and chaff As ye thirstily quaff:
Under six feet of dirt ’tis less easy to laugh!
The fiend strike me blue! I’m scarce able to walk,
And damn me if I can’t stand upright or talk!
Here, landlord, bid Betty to summon a chair;
I’ll try home for a while, for my wife is not there!
So lend me a hand I’m not able to stand
But I’m gay whilst I linger on top of the land!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the people I know, my acquaintances. Their part in my life is small but still valuable.
To-do list
I lost my cool again this morning when Joe sent me a message that the school had complained about me but he didn’t say exactly what. I was a bit shocked and could only guess it was Jimmy who sent the complaint. I tried to stay calm but the anger and upset overwhelmed me very quickly.
I was smart enough to send messages to Amy and George in the hope of a swift reply with some encouragement. Unfortunately, they didn’t get to me in time before talking with Kru Tam and I had to cut that short cos I could feel myself about to cry. I felt disappointed that I did that.
I’ve kept telling myself to stop and wait before talking but I can’t tell myself when I’m in the middle of these fits.
George calmed me down a little with some humour and Amy really calmed me later too. Luckily before I did anything stupid.
Later I also found out what the complaints were actually about but they were so silly that I had to ask what it was all really about. Joe (at TLC) replied that someone there obviously doesn’t like me and it’s stirring things up.
There are too many stupid people in the world. I know I’m probably one too. It can really get you down. But everyone actually made me feel pretty happy by the middle of the morning so that I actually felt pretty proud of myself that I had actually handled things pretty well. Just that I want to not even reach the point of anger and upset at all.
The rest of the week is very easy teaching wise so I’ll relax a little and see what tasks I can accomplish in my spare time.
After my last night shift ended on Friday morning I managed to force myself to stay awake until about 5pm, with the aid of cheap coffees from the local service station. I chucked down a couple of Panadeine in the hope they would ensure I didn’t wake up wide awake at 2am and they worked a treat. I’d forgotten to take my alarm setting off from last week so I was gently awoken at 5.50am to a mellow Beastie Boys tune. I picked up the phone and noticed Amy had sent a message whilst I was asleep. The message was a little disconcerting:
“If I died tomorrow just do what you want to do OK. Life is just today we don’t know what will happen.”
I still wanted to sleep some more but these words tumbled in and out of my consciousness. What motivated these words with no context at all? There was nothing I could do to answer this question right now and eventually I fell back to sleep for a few more hours.
Later she called me after she had just woken up. She sounded sleepy but happy. I asked her about her message and she told me she’d received some bad news about her school friend Fah.
I’ve met Fah a few times on previous visits to Thailand. An attractive girl who loves to eat and drink in nice places and works for Thai Airways. Last year she complained of stomach aches and went to the doctor to have some tests done. They discovered she had cancer and that it was quite advanced already but still hoped to be able to treat it with chemotherapy. She started that treatment but was often not healthy enough to be able to do it. The bad news came this week that they found the cancer advanced to her pancreas and that is was untreatable. She might only have 6 more months to live. 6 months ago she was fine (as far as she knew).
Amy said Fah’s parents were with her at the hospital in Bangkok and I mentioned how tragic it is for a parent to have to watch their child in pain and to lose them. Amy told me that Fah’s only sibling, her brother, was killed in a car crash years ago when he was just 11 years old.
I thought of my mother and how I hoped that she wouldn’t have to go through anything like this. She already lost her husband, my father, when I was just 18 months old. I thought of my son and how I hoped that I wouldn’t have to go through anything like this too.
Amy and I agreed that she should go and visit Fah as soon as possible. There’s nothing one can do, nothing one can say, except to give each other comfort.
—
It’s interesting to be posting my old diary entries – I haven’t read them since they were written. I can look back at certain events with a more distant eye and reflect on what my true motivations were at the time and ultimately how trivial they seem now that they are in the past. It was so serious to me at the time. I guess that’s the wisdom of age.
Right now though, I’m struggling with concentration and direction. I can’t get all my thoughts out quick enough and will have to come back and try again tomorrow.
1994ever 