I don’t know what I believe anymore The fence gets more comfortable every day The Holocaust, massacres and genocides Did they really happen that way?
Is it all a facade, my own Truman Show? Is the grass actually greener over there? To discover my world was built on lies I wish to remain blissfully unaware
Now reality assaults me at every turn Left guilty and helpless at the pain Paralysed by the bystander syndrome The fence is where I choose to remain
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good, though not enough sleep as we were up and in a rush to get to Chiang Mai.
Almost 1pm and only now getting my first coffee! I’m a little tired and thirsty and it’s sticky hot.
(Later) The coffee and Kao Soi lunch (not a good taste combo) kicked my ass and I felt great as we drove around and then up to the Doi Suthep temple, where we took photos and wandered around.
After that, though we all felt heat-tired and we drove to our hotel for a quick air-conditioned break before heading out to the night market.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
A safe journey from home to Chiang Mai despite all the roadworks and dodgy roads. Amy treated Almy to a wash just after we picked up her old flatmate, Crisia, from the airport.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling happy and playful with Amy after the coffee kick and then driving up the mountain to get a view all across Chiang Mai.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy complained and whined a lot as we were driving this morning and it was just about things that she had no control over, so I didn’t feel inclined to say anything and just felt amused.
Something I learned today?
Lanna means ‘a million farms’. This made me realise that it is a good way to remember that ‘lan’ is the word for million (not that I have much use for this word!)
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I’m sorry to the lady who tried to help me at Tops with the self-serve machine. There were so many steps to be able to pay by QR code and it was only 36 baht, that I decided not to bother buying anything. I wasn’t upset or anything but Amy said that I should at least say ‘Thanks for helping and don’t worry about it’ to the staff. She was right.
I took this picture to celebrate going back up the mountain in Chiang Mai again. The last time we were here was before we were married.
Pretty good on waking again and all was good at school until I was just about to head off in search of coffee. A huge downpour soon flooded all the paths and the roads, already chockers with cars dropping off kids.
The rain didn’t stop for a good 40 minutes or so and I wondered whether to just head to 22 Grams or bother looking for another cafe.
I opted to keep looking and thankfully, at Couple Cups (recommended by Art at Utopia) there was a parking spot right outside. Even so, I got saturated just getting to the front door!
I’ve been here for almost 4 hours, mostly reading and my eyes are getting blurry and dusty. I’m not feeling too bad, though.
Off home to pick up Tigger and take him to the vet for his follow-up check from last week, He seems all well and good now.
I talked to the kids in my one class that I have this afternoon and they said that they would prefer not to have any work set! Uh-huh!?
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 6
Today I’m grateful for:
My first interactions on Instagram after putting up some poetry there, even though I’m sure that they are just promotional accounts looking for business.
I was also grateful to get an unexpected refund from Shopee for some trousers I had paid for and forgotten all about. I ordered a shirt and some multivitamins and still had a little left to spare.
I’m feeling a little more secure financially this month so that when Amy just came and showed me a picture of two ginger kittens, I immediately said yes, let’s get them!
The best thing about today was:
Doing something different for food today. Even though it wasn’t wow, it was nice to have a change of routine.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’m running out of energy again after getting home at lunchtime and coming back to the city with Tigger. I feel like I need to eat.
Amy suggested dropping Tigger off at home and going off for pizza as soon as we can. Sounds like a plan.
(Later) We did that and I ate a lot! When we got back home, I closed my eyes whilst listening to videos of talk about the grand final this weekend.
But no rest as we were soon off to visit Khaotang to help her with her school assignment.
Whilst we were there, though, a Grab rider got knocked off his motorcycle by a truck that sped off and the guy didn’t look in good shape.
I stayed inside, trying to concentrate and told KT that she shouldn’t go to look either.
By the time all the ambulances and other vehicles had cleaned up, I’d finished putting together the text for her to read and understand.
She has some problem with this Thai teacher because he gave her grade 1 when their foreign English teacher gave her grade 4. My guess is that her English is actually better than the Thai teacher’s!
Something I learned today?
Chiang Mai is starting to flood now! Nong May has just arrived and Amy’s old flatmate will be coming next month and we were planning to go and meet everyone.
Great and ready to go. Up at 6am to head out with Bruno on a long ass bike ride that I’m following him along on. Right now, after 8 hours on and off we’re in the middle of some mountains waiting to go up to see a temple perched right at the top of a craggy cliff.
Today I’m grateful for:
The guy who came to help us use the petrol pump outside a village in the mountains. We didn’t need his help and he was just curious about is but we appreciated him anyways.
The best thing about today was:
Stopping in a pretty well-kept mountain village somewhere between Chiang Mai and Lampang and enjoying a coffee in an old wooden cafe overlooking a small community square where kids were playing.
(Later) We opted for going up to Wat Chaloem before it was too late and I’m glad we did. It was an expensive entry for foreigners but compared with anywhere else in the world I found it good value. After a van ride and an exhausting walk up steep steps the views from the top were incredible. When I saw the mountain in the distance as we were riding towards it through the valley, I couldn’t believe that there was a temple up there and then I was up there looking back down.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Bruno was a little frustrated with me and how slow I was riding but I just wanted to enjoy the journey for as long as possible. His personality has him racing everywhere. Well, he is the way he is and I am the way I am.
To be honest I haven’t felt quite so comfortable riding my bike since coming off it last year. That was only a minor incident but it was a good reminder of how easy and quickly an accident can happen. I’m way more cautious going around corners now especially when there is gravel on the road.
Something I learned today?
I learned a lot about the roads through the mountains around Chiang Mai and Lampang and the villages nestled within. I learned a little more about myself and about Bruno.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
At one of the lookout points we chatted with a Russian couple that live in Chiang Mai.
We deliberately stopped at a nice village cafe and I bought some expensive coffee honey from them to give them a boost.
I petted several dogs including a beauty at the temple that had a reddened eye and only three legs. It was very affectionate.
When was the last time I felt overwhelmed?
From memory that was when I was working at Woolworths and having to deal with my asshole boss. I’m sure he may have been a good boss for the company but that’s the kind of person I despise. Someone who puts the corporation ahead of people is not to be trusted!
Anyway, that situation badly affected me as it was tied in with physical pain from overwork along with depression and (apparently) PTSD. I was supremely grateful to get out of that situation as I felt myself going out of control.
I took lots of beautiful photos today but chose this picture because this is what I was faced with when I went to brush my teeth. This is Thailand, this is jungle country.
I have a window to the world If you wish to bother me Ask me for a prayer And I’ll give it to you for free Otherwise, I’ll be here by myself Just my thoughts and me Freedom is in my mind I consider myself to be free
Today I’m feeling:
Tired with headaches and irritated sinuses and eyes, sometimes short of breath.
Today I’m grateful for:
Having gone shopping a couple of days ago and having food to cook in the fridge. I’d thought about getting food outside but really didn’t want to go out again.
The best thing about today was:
When I got home from morning coffee I put on Blondie’s Plastic Letters and blasted it loud as I hung out washing, cleaned up all the cat spray around and then vacuumed everywhere. It’s a great album, my favourite era Blondie.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
With low visibility due to the smoke, I couldn’t help thinking poorly about the situation. I understand I have no control over it but it seems unfair to be subjected to it.
However, I talked myself around by thinking about all the positives of being here, particularly after Amy sent me a picture from a restaurant of her small plate of pasta which looked like something I made (ie. not aesthetically pleasing) and cost her 27 dollars! Unbelievable!
Whilst looking at AQI data I saw that Chiang Mai was the number 1 worst place in the world at over 300 and Sydney was about 98th worst with just 4! I’d pay 27 dollars for clear sky right now.
Something I learned today?
After deleting my poker app because it was just taking up too much time I still watch some videos of games and came across a cheating scandal yesterday and I’ve been hooked on the story since watching lots of videos of interviews and opinions. The poker world is a bit of a crazy place.
What is something that I have been putting off and why?
Yesterday I put off updating this journal because I was engrossed in watching a TV show and when I sat down to write it was past midnight and the question prompt had already, appropriately, changed to this one.
Yesterday’s prompt was ‘What experience do I need to write about’ and my answer, as detailed in this blog, is all of them.
Am I reliving my life because I am no longer living? I like to set myself ridiculous challenges so here I am.
Art took this picture because about once a month I’m his promotion model.
As the book opens, princesses are yawning Dead-eyed dogs trudge homeward Bamboo whistles in the wind Lulling all with the promise of reprieve Here at the edges of time The world diverges for those to clash Mad deviations keep the wheels greased For those dogs forever fighting The red sky denied, turns blue Filled with the joyful and forlorn Intermissions inspire reflection About the dogs that stalk the dark
Today I’m feeling:
Happy and better than yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Thai teachers around me who were helpful and also amusing. Despite having to ‘work’ all weekend it was interesting enough and time passed by quickly thanks to the pleasant atmosphere.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out about some cool features of some of the tools we were learning today, enough to make me consider paying the small fee to access them. They would help enhance my classes a little.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Not having enough time at home to get all the chores that should have been completed on time. How did I handle it? By doing them, but not on time. It’s not the biggest issue but it means leaving wet washing outside overnight.
Also, I wasn’t able to shampoo Tigger again and he really needs it. I hope to do that on Tuesday afternoon if nothing else comes up.
Although these things are not really in my control I don’t consider them to be that important that they are giving me too much stress. There was a time when I would’ve let these things bother me more.
Something I learned today?
From reading an online post I found out that perhaps Hanoi is comparable to Chiang Mai and HCMC to Bangkok. Armed with that information I think I would prefer northern Vietnam to the south. Not that I wouldn’t want to check it all out for myself.
The writer described Hanoi as more of a collection of villages that have become joined and it is still quick and easy to get out into the mountains and jungles.
How do my thoughts and emotions impact my daily life?
My thoughts need to counter my emotions so I can stay in control. I get better at this though that may be due to avoiding people rather than actual improvement in control!
I took this picture because I knew there weren’t going to be many other chances to take photos today. I dropped into Utopia for my coffee, drinking it quickly but enjoying it immensely. Art gave me a new blend today that was light but zingy.
In a carefully worded statement Facts were twisted and obscured The lines crossed were blurred And both sides eventually demurred One step forward, two steps back Holding hands, stepping into a hole A status quo must be maintained Until someone scores an own goal
You are a human being, not a human doing.
Ryan Holiday
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that our little car is healthy enough to get us to Chiang Mai and back on a quick turnaround trip. Good health to you, Almy.
This constant need for certainty Is the greatest disease you may face Creative power comes from negative capability Mysteries are to endure and even embrace
Paraphrased, but almost word for word, Robert Greene talking about Keats.
The need for certainty is the greatest disease the mind faces.
Robert Greene
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for Art to go book shopping in Chiang Mai for me and get me five music-related books. I’ll keep them at Utopia.
Music from Bob Drake, The Work, DMBQ, FLIRT, Neutral Sons, Prag, Brainticket, Grobschnitt, Appollonius Abraham Schwarz, The Sweet, The Dazzling Killmen.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see Oh’s puppies again and thankful she gave us a place to stay for one night.
To-do list
Stay relaxed – it’s a mini-holiday ✅
Do another Smiling Mind meditation
Really savour something today ✅
3 acts of kindness ½
Only buy books on your want list
Went book shopping but ended up buying a couple of extra things because I didn’t see any books on my wants list.
In the morning we went to visit Jessica’s aunt and I really savoured sitting and talking with her in her garden. Whilst we were talking she mentioned a book she really enjoyed about Afghanistan. She couldn’t remember the exact title, something about a Thousand Suns. Just as I was leaving the bookshop I spotted on the shelf ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ and that was the book – so I bought that too.
I am so happy and grateful to have a car. I like to drive and the drive to Chiang Mai is quite pleasant.
An emotion can be generated by the thought of something good or bad happening either now or in the future.
Massimo Pigliucci
To-do list
Enjoy the drive, take your time ✅
Stimulate the conversation with Tik and Oh
What acts of kindness can you do? ✅
Think more about drawing something for the kids
A long lazy drive, very much enjoyable, talking with Amy, listening to music and viewing the scenery.
When we met Tik and Oh it was quite noisy, in a very busy outdoor restaurant so I didn’t spend much time trying to get into conversation but it was a happy and fun evening.
I did, or tried to do, a random act of kindness today when I saw an older lady struggling with some bags. I helped her and she thanked me but soon after reversed the help I’d given her. I still felt OK and I still think she appreciated someone trying to help even if she didn’t actually want it.
I’ve added random acts of kindness to my coach.me habits app in an effort to keep it more in my mind.
Last Sunday Amy and I, along with Mum and Dad, had to attend a funeral in Chiang Mai. It’s a three plus hour drive and meant a 5am start for us. I know we’re getting older and getting up earlier is kinda normal but damn, 5am!
I was hoping to be able to spend some time listening to podcasts but when we arrived at Mum and Dad’s and found Dad asleep in the passenger seat it was obvious that I would be driving. It was still dark as we left the city and approached the mountains. The air turned grey and dusty as the sun rose slowly somewhere in the sky and it was entrancing to watch the changes to the colours of the mountains that I was driving towards and soon driving through.
Dad’s big truck made easy time as we settled into the long valley and then through the twisting second set of mountains where a never-ending road work slows things down somewhat. I had to ease off once into the Chiang Mai valley though as, eager after the road works, I was starting to hit 140 km/h without even realising it.
This funeral was for cousin Ting’s mum. Ting had taken the time to travel an hour or so to my own mother’s funeral in the UK so it was only appropriate that we attend her mum’s and it was good to catch up with her despite the circumstances.
Monks did their thing and relatives did their thing and I followed where and when I was told. I noted the ‘No women allowed’ sign outside one of the buildings and wondered when Thailand will discover its enlightenment. Is it my place to judge and do I need to care about how people following certain religions behave? Well, if it feels like injustice it feels ok to care. Just know that progress of this sort often takes more than a single lifetime but we can hope that the progress is made before the world burns.
Having left Chiang Rai before the sun came up, we returned after the sun had set again. Chiang Rai missed us for the day and still the Earth turned without care.
And so it was we arrive at Friday and this time I’m on a solo adventure in my own car, again to Chiang Mai. This time it was for my UK passport renewal and I had allowed myself an overnight stay so as to split up the driving.
I had challenged myself since the Sunday journey to drive more conservatively and having that extra time I planned to enjoy the drive and take a few extra seconds to check out the views. It also meant I could listen to music uninterrupted for 3 or 4 hours.
For some reason I enjoy driving; I’m not sure why. This trip towards Chiang Mai was especially entrancing and I arrived in a very good mood. In fact I was a little annoyed that the first half of the travelling was complete!
The first port of call was back to International House, where I had studied for my CELTA certificate, almost two years previously. I bumped into my favourite tutor there and was pleased to have a quick chat and also to see a few other staff members that I still recognised, though had forgotten their names.
The environment here on the mini campus still amazes me, it’s so beautiful and not what you would expect. Like a holiday resort but with not much to do except study. I somewhat envied the students who would be arriving after the weekend but then I remembered the feeling in the first week when I was questioning myself whether I could do it or not.
I had hoped that they still had copies of my work for the course in the office there but unfortunately, they only hold on to them for six months. Never mind. It was nice to drive through those familiar small lanes where nothing has changed too much. The city is sprawling out that direction but has only had minimal impact so far.
Back into the middle of the city and everything went well with my passport application, though I had some difficulty making my signature similar to what it was 10 years previous. The staff laughed with me and I’m guessing it’s not that an unusual problem as they had paper prepared for applicants to practice.
Quickly out of there and across town to a book shop that had been recommended. An hour and 1000 baht later it was time to find some food and I treated myself to a tiny pizza and salad. Woohoo! Holiday time!
Dark by now, I waited at the Mohawk Bar to catch up with Facebook friend John Murrie. The bars opening time is 8pm and it was only 7pm so I sat in the car reading some more Anna Karenina, taking the opportunity to cross off one of my daily challenges. By 8.30pm the bar was still closed and Tolstoy was taking a sleep-inducing hold of me and I had to quit and head out south to my overnight lodging with one of Amy’s old school friends.
I wuz ‘ere. No one else wuz.
Tired and sleepy I was somewhat energised by meeting the two puppies of the house, once I was accepted as a welcome enough intruder. I was warned to keep my shoes away from them so placed them in my room and shut the door. Not long after, I placed myself in the room and fell asleep but reminding myself I must make an effort to talk more with my hosts Oh and Namtan when I was in a more lucid state in the morning.
In a flash it was morning and after getting my reading challenge completed before 8am, I did 40 squats, took a shower and planned a breakfast coffee for my hosts. Unfortunately, I had left the bedroom door open and hadn’t noticed the dogs sneak in looking for some bounty.
Everyone showered and set I went to get my shoes but they had disappeared. Obviously, the dogs had got them but no problem, whatever, let’s just go on a hunt for them. One under the car, another at the back of the garden. Unfortunately, they hadn’t just been deposited but chewed on and spat out! Ah well, farewell my shoes. Luckily they were just about wearable as I had no other shoes with me. The girls were very apologetic for their pups’ behaviour but I just thought it was funny. I’d had the shoes for a few years so they’d done me pretty well. Maybe an excuse to go shop for some others soon.
An excellent coffee later it was time to get back on the road and my mind was filled with wonder as I listened to good music and again enjoyed the twisting roads round rolling mountains. I counted off the landmarks backwards, breaking the 3 hours down; mountains, valley, mountains, home. The return journey never as exciting as the outset, slight melancholy following the setting afternoon sun.
However, once home I was awed by the feeling of comfort. Looking across our garden I gave Amy a big hug and declared ‘I love it here. I love this life and I love being with you.’
The local rock group down the street Is trying hard to learn their song They serenade the weekend squire Who just came out to mow his lawn Another pleasant valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere Rows of houses that are all the same And no one seems to care
– The Monkees
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have the energy and motivation to get up and do things. Today I took time to water the garden and clean the car.
…my memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.
Mark Twain
To-do list
Write blog about Chiang Mai trip ✅
Record TCRAH
Water garden in the morning ✅
Prepare CD cases and case some more discs ½
Clean up balloons
Once again time ran out but I had a very busy and productive day. As well as getting up and watering the garden, front and back, I also washed the car. I ate breakfast in there somewhere too.
Before the morning was out we went for coffee and photocopied in preparation for afternoon lessons. In between lunch and teaching, I also wrote up a blog entry about my trip to Chiang Mai. It wasn’t as good as it was in my mind yesterday though.
Time running out doesn’t seem to be bothering me as much as it has in the past. I’m more accepting of the fact that I can finish something later. So long as I’m getting some things done then it’s fine.
Tomorrow is back to the routine mad Monday. One of the lessons should be pretty straightforward though and hopefully, the two difficult classes will be getting used to the method of what I’m doing with them now. I hope to get the rest of the exam questions finalised this week and probably be able to finish the regular class one tomorrow if I put my mind to it.
1994ever 