I walked down the old, sandy wooden steps to the beach I had been here decades before everything looked different but the smell was the same a salt that cleared the nose and spits in your face time and time again
I remembered the flashing lights reflected on the water all the good cheer the dream that this day will never end up before the sun patiently impatient the horizons are soon to reveal the truth
…but this Christmas I wanna die I’ve seen Satan and Jesus in a crimson-bloodied sky angel wings pummeling the city to dust
Shared with an AllPoetry.com contest by Bad Jonny, who gave us the italicised lines as starters. I decided to use both and link them.
The future is behind me Invisible to the eye The past keeps coming Towards me until I die
Understanding is backwards Yet life is straight ahead In the end, it’s all done When it’s all been said
Today I’m feeling:
A little edgy due to lack of sleep. I kept waking up whilst having wild and unusual dreams. I forget their story but have kept the feeling as I woke. It’s a little disconcerting. Leg exercise and stomach stretching was good and easy. My shoulders are feeling a little better but not sure that they will be fully ok before next week when I’d like to get back to arm and shoulder exercises again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The teachers who helped me with some little things today, such as finding a stapler and staples in the mess of the teacher’s room and sending the student list so that I could print out the student names for my new class.
I’m also grateful to my past self for downloading lots of useful English workbooks in the past and finding something useful to use for my new class. I already have too many ideas and I haven’t even met them yet or know what their skill levels are. I’ll soon find out though – first class tomorrow.
The best thing about today was:
An interesting comment from Kru Karn when I expressed concern for one of my students that she looks after. She off-handedly said that most teachers don’t care that much about the students, implying that I do. I don’t know if she was congratulating or criticising but I took it as a matter of pride. As an average, untrained English teacher I make it a point to at least care about the students and the job that I’m employed to do.
A late update as I’ve just hopped into bed with delectable-smelling clean sheets and anticipating this, I used the expensive shower gel that smells like glitter and glamour. I’m soft and snug, smelling of champagne!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My grade 7 class was a little out of control, still in holiday mode. I have the feeling it will be like this until the end of the semester with this grade. I didn’t push them too hard today, just prepping them for the real work on Friday.
Something I learned today?
The Ancient Romans used to drop a piece of toast into their wine for good health, which is why we ‘raise a toast’.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
After my grade 10 students had completed their work for me I helped them with a speech that they had to do for another class later today. I recorded the speech myself so that they could copy my pronunciation and I sat with them as they practiced and gave them tips.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Somehow I wonder if I might relax a little knowing this.
Without knowing this, of course, I may die suddenly tomorrow. I should relax now!
Would I keep working? I enjoy what I’m doing right now but with a known time limit what else could I do in the meantime? Would travelling the world feel satisfactory or would it just feel meaningless? Do I even know how to enjoy myself anymore!
I think perhaps I would go travelling but on a nostalgia trip and also to catch up with old friends and have one last conversation.
I don’t think I would just fuck everything off and spend the time decadently. Maybe a little!
I took this picture because this weird little cactus at House appears to have the Christmas spirit.
The little girl stares at my dress Telling me about my pretty hair Wide-eyed at the new world The little girl is just me, sitting there
She holds my heart in her hands As we both are looking up above Wondering what all the futures hold For the mystical creatures we will love
Today I’m feeling:
Exhausted still and a little uninspired. Bruno and Nut will come for a Christmas dinner later, hopefully I perk up a little before that. I’ve not been sleeping that well due to sore shoulders, maybe from lying down too much!
Today I’m grateful for:
All the work Amy did throughout the day to prepare a great meal for dinner this evening.
The best thing about today was:
Finding Tigger curled up in a plant pot, which still had soil in it. He was grumpy because yesterday I shampooed his head again and this morning I sprayed on some medicine to help clean up his wounds. He almost always takes himself off to get himself dirty again after I try to clean him up.
At the same time, Cap had somehow managed to open the door to the spare room and was curled up happily on the bed. Hopefully he hasn’t peed on it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy got upset at me in front of Bruno and Nut when I said I didn’t want any mussels yet as I was filling up on everything else. She took it as an affront to her cooking skills but that was not my intention.
There was nothing much I could do except sit there and take her sour words towards me which miffed me a bit as I was enjoying everything otherwise. I feel like she chose to take my words the wrong way and make something out of nothing. That’s not something I can control.
Eventually she lightened up again but still threw barbs every now and then. I’ll not get bothered by it as it happens occasionally and usually when Amy is drinking happily and suddenly something I say or do sets it off. I can’t predict it at all.
Since I don’t drink much anymore it’s just something I need to try and be more aware of in the future. My default is to be silent but that is not really a good ongoing strategy for communication between us.
Something I learned today?
New clothes are being developed that can regulate temperatures powered by flexible solar panels built into the fabric.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I bought some cheap drawing pads for Baipad today but rather than just giving them to her, contacted her friends Jan and Apple, and will give them the books, asking to add a Christmas message and once they’ve done that, to gift them to Baipad.
I helped Amy in the garden when requested and kept out of her way in the kitchen whilst she prepared food for our meal this evening.
I took this picture to try and capture the bubbles in this champagne glass, viewed from above.
Staring at the TV static Hearing the song of the dishwasher Hidden messages reveal themselves To those who listen closer
The stars whisper in the wind Words that make the shapes Colours taste of iron and gold The myth perpetuates
Maybe it’s a madness But someone must be chosen As the alien messenger The guide for the gods
Today I’m feeling:
Definitely tired again and not from lack of sleep. Still waiting to get over the hump of exhaustion brought on by exercise. Thankfully just the one class in the morning today and I spent til midday running around to get documents together for my work permit again before heading home and a catch up nap.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nancy again, as I asked if she could get the medical certificate I needed for me again, like she did last time. Otherwise it means me either waiting around or going back to the city after 6pm and the last time I did that the clinic didn’t even open. Happily, she agreed.
The best thing about today was:
A third coffee at 22 Grams, after a couple earlier at House. It tasted delicious and spurred me to action to make some easy Quizizz for my classes tomorrow.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve been trying to push my student Baipad to become more confident and independent but I can see now that she is not yet mature enough and is somewhat comfortable despite her frustrations.
I get it, at 14, we want independence AND everything handed to us on a plate. Sooner or later a rude shock awakens us.
It’s an interesting contrast that she knows girls a similar age as her back in her family village in the mountains and they are already having babies. We both agreed that that is not a good situation to be in but also highlights her somewhat comfortable life at home where a bed and a mobile phone are the main objects of her interest.
Something I learned today?
I still don’t have syphilis! I’m not sure why foreigners need to get tested for this to get a work permit.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I made sure to encourage the students who were putting some effort into their work today. Once they got rolling with it, it was great to see. Some days they make me proud. Tomorrow may be a different story of course, but I’ll take it for today.
I took this picture because this is as Christmassy as we get here in Chiang Rai. This year, despite being two months into winter already, we’re still using aircon for a couple of hours at night.
This missile will find its way Into the hands of men as gods This bomb, when come out to play Accelerates the unlikely odds Nowhere safe from your precious metals In bunkers even, sat hiding Under rocks, the earth unsettles Monsters are patiently residing
Today I’m feeling:
Good again though I can feel tired from the morning exercise and last night I didn’t stay up much past nine pm.
Today I’m grateful for:
The immigration officer at Mae Sai who gave me my visa, which allows me another ninety days stay and then one year. And I can get that next one at Chiang Rai.
The best thing about today was:
Not being at work in the morning. It’s always good not to be at work when you are supposed to be, even though I enjoy my work these days.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Every day I could fill this space with something about my classes or students. Knowing that I wouldn’t be at school this morning I sent work to my students on Saturday to give them plenty of time to do it beforehand if they so wished. I reminded them on Saturday night, on Sunday and yesterday too but still, there were 13 students that didn’t do any work or communicate with me about their not being able to do it.
Some will use an excuse that they had to go for vaccination during class time but that’s not going to fly as they knew about the classwork three days previously. It has got me thinking about how to make some kind of lessons about planning and preparing for things.
Something I learned today?
I read an interview with volunteer medical emergency people in New York where they discuss trying to treat gunshot victims sometimes even as firefights are happening between the police and the ‘criminals’. Just replaying those thoughts over made me realise that the USA is already a third-world country.
What kind of responsible country has gun fights on its streets? What kind of organised country requires volunteer emergency services? A third-world one. It feels like the USA is trying to drag everyone down to their level.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I drove myself and Amy to the city this morning and I took Leo for a walk before driving us both to Mae Sai and back home.
I took time to prep a class for work that they have to do tomorrow so they were a little surprised that they had no actual work to do.
Hopefully, they are primed and thinking about what they need to do tomorrow. I’m pretty sure they can articulate in Thai but they need to figure it out in English.
I had to hold three students back in class because they didn’t do the work that I asked of them during class time. Once they had resigned themselves to this fact I tried to make it at least a little bit fun for them until they had finished.
Unfortunately, one of them was overemotional and rushed their work so that it was illegible and I had to make them do it again. By now, everyone else was gone and the sound of kids outside having fun was very obvious. She eventually broke down crying saying ‘I want to go home’ and though I felt sorry for her I realised that she is very selfish and very spoiled by others around her. I gave her some sympathy but also reminded her that it was her own bad choices that put her in this situation.
As we were leaving the class I tried to remember what it was like when I was being ‘taught a lesson’ and put myself in her shoes.
I like to credit my kids with smarts, they know exactly how to manipulate adults to get what they want and I feel like their tears are more because they know they fucked up and were wishing they hadn’t. I felt really sorry for her but had to stop myself from giving in and letting her off.
How have I prioritized my well-being this year?
This has been by slowly increasing the amount of exercise I get and I have learned that I feel better and more positive on the days that I exercise.
I have also gotten into the habit of reading things that reinforce what I already know and though they often fizz in and out of clear memory I can feel that reinforcement building slowly, protecting my emotional stability.
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
If this was inside the house…I don’t think there’s anything that can’t be replaced so maybe I might just grab anything to hand…. Grabbing important documents would be handy but I’d have to shove Amy back inside to grab them as I would undoubtedly grab the wrong things, for which I would forever feel her wrath!
If it was in my room then it would probably be my old photos. I’m slowly trying to digitize them all and if that ever becomes the case, even though I would have them stored online somewhere I would probably grab my hard drives with all the pictures, music, books and comics that I’ve collected over the years.
I took this picture because I was surprised to see all this extra decoration on the window at Utopia over the weekend.
All around is static A photo reel reflection I see myself, a boy, a man Open to inspection
Shadows passing in ceaseless flux A work in progression Destruction and evolution Are the cycles of obsession
Holding onto pain Until I learned to let it go Significance is impermanent As I’ve slowly come to know
People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.
James Baldwin
Today I’m feeling: Relaxed and average, not up, not down. Today I’m grateful for: Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need. The best thing about today was: Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things. Something I learned today? Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts. Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it. Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.
I took this picture because Amy finally got to making her cinnamon buns for Utopia again. They sold out within a couple of hours. Doing this makes her happy though the return on investment, particularly time, is very low.
Music from The All Seeing Hand, Rolling Stones, Bongwater, Blurt, Shield Your Eyes, Cat Power, Josiane Rey, Rhino 39, The Fall, Cause for Effect, XTC, Moody Blues, Racebannon, Heavy Vegetable, Sir Millard Mulch, Big Block 454, Steve Harley and the Cockney Rebel, Ruins, Scrid and Christmas.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have been teaching all morning. I think the students are enjoying my lessons and I am really happy with them.
Sitting in my class annoyed at the boys who have almost all forgotten to do or give me the work they were supposed to do. Reading an interview about stoicism I’m reminded about things I can and can’t control.
How to motivate this class of lazy kids to remember that they have many things to do, and to manage my own emotional reaction when they don’t do it? Hmmm.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to experience things in this world that I never expected. I’m not a great fan of some of these animals but it’s very interesting compared to the simple critters I grew up with in England. Amazing to think about where I am in the world now. 15 or 25-year-old me would never have imagined this.
1994ever 