Tag: coffee

Vicarious – 20th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’m a mafia, a ninja
A beauty pageant queen
A killer, a lover
Not what I seem
I’m a prisoner, running
The drama in a dream
A thriller, a horror
Lived out on a screen
I’m a wolf, a soldier
All I want I’ve been
A housewife, a salesman
A life lived so clean
I’m a target, a comedian
Laugh until you scream
Anything I ever wanted
Is what I’ve always been

13th Apr 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango

Today I’m feeling:

Coffee is the fuel this morning as I struggle to get going after feeling some pain in my left hip throughout the night.

But ‘get going’ is relative as today I plan to do little beyond watching the football.

And that was one intense game of football which has weirdly seen us through to the finals as opposed to Geelong, last year’s winners unable to make it. It’s been a great turnaround but I don’t see us being able to make the grand final this year.

Today I’m grateful for:

The shirt that I ordered for Hayden arrived here safe and sound. I’ll try it on for size and then order a couple for myself some time too.

It was weird that some of the shirts are in stock in Australia but the shipping to Thailand was cheaper than shipping within Australia!

The best thing about today was:

Catching up with some reading, books and comics. Choosing to read instead of watching TV. It’s not easy because there are lots of things I like to watch but I’m finding that I’m neglecting reading because of it. I usually get my ideas from things I read rather than things I watch.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Yesterday I hung out the washing even though dark clouds were brewing. I mistakenly trusted the weather forecast of no rain. An hour later a huge storm hit drenching everything. Oh well, they’ll dry today I thought, but today the sun barely broke through and whilst some of the lighter things managed to dry everything else was still wet or damp and will need to be washed again. There’s another ten days of rain due so I may actually have to go the laundry to use a dryer.

Something I learned today?

Things I haven’t thought about for a while are a little bit of a struggle to recall these days. I struggled to recall some manga artists’ names this evening, artists of which I paid lots of dollars for the work at one time in my life, so they had a deep enough meaning for me for a while. I did eventually figure out the names through a series of online searches but still, I worry about nonsense going into my head pushing out all the good stuff.

If I had to describe myself using only five words, what would they be?

Sometimes I think I’m ok.
Sometimes I make mistakes too.
Friends can be far away.
I do what I do.
No excuses for doing wrong.
My life means nothing anyway.
Always trying to understand myself.
There’s often little to say.

I took this picture because although Tigger can fit into the shelf under the table, for some reason he felt more comfortable with his butt sticking out like this.

Crow’s Feet – 19th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

A survey of the skin
Tells our stories
A book held within
Full of old glories

The cut, once blood
When tears did run
Baked on, caked on mud
Drying in the sun

Each crevice and crack
Formed from laughs and cries
Can never be turned back
No matter how many tries

Botox babies and teens
Scared to take a fall
Fear what it all means
When it means not much at all

10th May 2024 – Shared to dVerse OLN

Today I’m feeling:

Slept early last night and got up early ready to go for a ride with Bruno, up to Doi Chang.

I was too early for Utopia but felt pumped to be going on a long ass ride. Once getting into the mountains the cool clean air tickled my nose with the now-familiar smells of fresh growth foliage and flowers. All the food stalls around added to the perfume and even the small fires around reminded me of camping trips from days gone by. 

It was a joy to be out there today.

Today I’m grateful for:

Bruno being the way he is and leading us to accidentally drink civet-shit coffee overlooking a glorious long valley view. 

The owners also gave us a fresh avocado with local honey and Bruno asked if they had any more to which he was told sure, just go pick them. They went off under the terrace and picked up 4 or 5 big cricket balls from high up using a net on a 3-metre bamboo pole. I love that Bruno will just go and do what takes his fancy and it always ends us up in interesting situations

The best thing about today was:

The ride down from Doi Chang and through Doi Wawee was just beautiful and Wawee especially was a pretty village. The school had just let out students at midday and we drove up past the gates. The school is magnificent, sculpted up the hillside, and looks impeccable. All the kids were happy and playful as they tumbled out down the hill. 

Riding through these places made me reflect a bit more on my place in Thailand and as a teacher. I can understand more about the teacher’s and the student’s apathy when I see the places where they live and the lack of opportunities and ambition around them. I give them a hard time to make the best of themselves and now I recognise those soft faces looking up at me quietly expressing, ‘What’s the point?’

Once on the road back to Mae Chan, I got stuck behind a van with about ten school students stuffed in the back along with various packages, parcels and goods. They were all happily, lazily chatting and looking at their phones, perhaps just being in the happy childhood state of not knowing what is going to happen next, where they are going or what they will do when they arrive.

In opposition, all I wanted to do was overtake the van but the roads were too twisty to be able to get around. I just wanted to get home to where I knew exactly everything that will happen. I wished I could go back to that state of happiness that comes from interruptions to boredom, saying yes to anything, just to hang out a bit longer.

When I was like that I was usually the last one home.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I would struggle with not having my usual two morning coffees but for some reason, I was just psyched to be riding and didn’t really want to stop anywhere until we got ‘there’, wherever the next ‘there ‘ was.

At the end of the 7-hour ride, covered in mud, dirt and dust I dropped into Utopia for coffee finally and they all wondered why I hadn’t been in the morning.

Something I learned today?

I learned that civet shit coffee tastes smooth but is overpriced and overrated.

What was I like as a child?

The same as I am now but less grown up….in effect, I am still a child, it is just that I have learned how to handle adult responsibilities. 

I took this picture because we nearly missed this shop but glad we turned back to stop and check out this incredible view.

Old MacDonald Got AI – 15th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

God took six days to do
What can now be done
In a minute
At the push of a button
A simple prompt
A new world may be created
Everything for that we strived
Made faster and easier
And with it, the artist dies
Along with their struggle
How to know something is good?
It must be a piece of you
A chuck of the pain
That gave birth
No more the imagination
Your future automated
*A boundless machine
Of artistic demoralisation*

inspired and pilfered from the Red Hand Files and *Nick Cave directly

Today I’m feeling:

Unsure yet. I guess I’m relaxed. Just a little soft around the edges, not quite in focus.

At midday, my mojo is returning after three hours of catching up on writing and some reading.

And then….(see further below)

Today I’m grateful for:

The medicine that has helped Tigger overcome his fever and infection. I wasn’t particularly worried about Tig but I also remembered not being too worried about Kim when she was sick too. Sometimes, when Amy is being cautious, it’s best to follow her lead, just in case.

The best thing about today was:

Coffee. And having a few hours spare to read and write but more importantly to get my brain back in the game. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In my final class of the day, I lost my patience with one student who was being obnoxious to me. I took his phone and later gave it to his homeroom teacher. He didn’t even seem to care that much. 

It’s a shame as I have previously gotten on well with that student. I can guess that something was going on with him but still…..

Sometimes the disrespect gets to me.

6th Nov 2023 – Only three months later and I only have a vague memory of this happening and can’t recall who it was! I think that’s good. No grudges held.

Something I learned today?

Tigger’s infection is all good now, though because of the medicine he had been taking his kidney function levels are a little high. Another week without medicine before another blood test which hopefully gives the all-clear.

How would I describe where I am right now?

I think if I told my friends just the word ‘Thailand’, that would trigger their imaginations to understand where I am right now. I know that I’m living a lucky life. Despite minor stresses, I’m feeling content and almost at peace.

How did I embrace uncertainty?

I’ve been looking at this question for several days.  I feel that my life is reasonably certain and has been for a long time. In times when I did feel uncertain it was purely internal thoughts rather than some circumstance.

Both times I moved countries I didn’t feel uncertainty really, though I guess that means that I did embrace it. How did I do that? Perhaps by positivity. Perhaps by ignorance. 

As I’ve gotten older I’ve understood that no matter what happens or is happening, things will be okay. Sometimes you just have to go through shit. I do wish I could’ve worked that out when I was younger as it would have saved me a lot of trouble and stress at that time.

What is an unusual fact about me?

I was listening to the End On End podcast with the High Back Chairs and one of them was talking about his collection of German military uniforms from 1880-1918. It reminded me that no matter what you may know people for they can always surprise you with something unusual. 

I guess I have an unusual amount of CDs featuring unusual music but because of the circles I run in that doesn’t seem particularly unusual to me but may be to others.

Perhaps something I find unusual about myself is the variety of work that I’ve done over the years. Ugh, even that doesn’t seem particularly unusual though.

Am I.… am I normal? What’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be normal. I know that no one is normal but I would hate for someone to think of me as normal!

Quote: I quote others in order to better myself – Montaigne

Sometimes a good quote captures your imagination and consolidates ideas into a sentence or two. Most of the quotes I enjoy are positive but I also dig the backhanded sarcastic and ironic type of quote when it is clearly obvious its intention.

I wish I could remember good quotes though and be able to use them in conversation. That would make me appear smart. Perhaps that is vanity but it’s true, I would like to appear smart at least. Because I don’t feel smart at all. Can I fool myself?

No Knowing – 9th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

*I only blinked my eye
Suddenly then I knew
I would sooner die
Than doing all I wanted to do

Still practising my growing
With every single breath
Now there’s no knowing
The time to face my death

What I want to say to you
Has many times been said
Do everything you want to do
Before you end up dead

*appropriated from this blog post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

So tired this morning as I didn’t sleep well. Being back together in the cool aircon of our bedroom proper was nice and saw us off to sleep nicely with Cap joining us but, Cap being Cap, he wanted to go in and out a couple of times during the night which meant me opening and closing the door for him. The last time it was almost light so I left the door ajar for him but Tigger also came in and Amy woke up to find him peeing on her bed. First day back and already these cats treat our fresh-smelling beds as their toilets. 

Of course, I got into trouble (with Amy) for leaving the door open. I delayed my alarm to allow an extra 15 minutes of tossing and turning and I would dearly love to be back in bed sleeping more right now.

Today I’m grateful for:

The cafe next door to school changed its policy for every tenth coffee free, getting rid of it completely. I cried that I only had two more to go and then said, how about today for free? To which they agreed and I went away happy. As usual, the taste of their coffee is awful but it has a hell of a caffeine hit.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out that there is some event tomorrow morning and it’s optional whether to teach or not. I will definitely not teach the first class and not sure about the second one yet. I’ll see how I and they feel tomorrow morning.

I ended up chatting to one of the students who said they thought that they would have to do some tasks which will take all morning so, what the hell? I doubt if it will take that long but I know they would prefer whatever it is they will be doing over sitting in a classroom anyway.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Many things out of my control today but I’m getting better at just going with it and not getting stressed about things. I can definitely feel that this has changed for me over the last couple of years.

Something I learned today?

I did 5 minutes research into overcoming sensitivity after being bullied and read that CBT is a suggested therapy to help. I will offer some advice and information to the student whom I talked with yesterday evening.

I took no pictures because my brain couldn’t expand enough into the spaces to find something interesting to take a picture of despite interesting things occurring around me. Now is the struggle to find interest in the minutiae, in the minor, in the greys and browns.

Desserts – 5th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Making pain beautiful
A fetish the mirror reflects
Aestheticised agony
The image that projects

Decorated with poetry
And kept like a secret
It’s cool and mysterious
And you get to keep it

Please fall in love and fix
Worthy of attention
Look at the beautiful mess
Deserving of affection

inspired by musings at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Although I wanted to enjoy sleeping longer I got up and out for coffee. Amy had called during the night, though I couldn’t quite get what was happening. She was at the nightclub and I knew she could take care of herself. She hadn’t made it home but ended up calling and was staying at Aor’s house after some mini escapades. All was well though. Still feeling positive after yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Sichuan hotspot. A new Chinese hotspot shop opened in Bandu so we gave it a go and filled our bellies with delicious burning chilli and peppers. I may be less grateful if I suddenly have to rush to the bathroom during the night. My stomach feels like that may be a possibility.

The best thing about today was:

Reading more of the SNFU book whilst drinking my coffees at Utopia. I’m really enjoying it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tiredness caught up with me for an afternoon nap that I was really reluctant to get up from. I felt like I could just keep sleeping until tomorrow. I will go back to bed soon too, for a stretch of comic book reading first but I will look forward to my sleep and my dreams.

Something I learned today?

Mega Home doesn’t stop fabric spray like Febreeze or the better heavy-duty version I found at Home Pro before.

I took this picture because there was nothing particularly exciting today except for our early spicy dinner.

Cyberpsychopath – 2nd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hiding in the dark webs, to lurk and deceive
More reckless the more special you believe
Cyberpunk psychopaths, momentary flame
Burned white hot until the end of the game

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday’s afternoon coffee kept me until midnight reading comics though I fell asleep immediately once I turned off my iPad. A nice lazy nine hours later and I’m up and drinking coffee at Utopia preparing my mind for the two days of school this week.

Today I’m grateful for:

Anything. Sometimes I feel that I take everything for granted. I think about just putting on some good shoes and walking down the highway to Bangkok with nothing. To put myself in some ridiculous situation that I will never actually attempt, and remind myself just how good I have it.

I know I have it easy yet sometimes feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

The best thing about today was:

Amy’s carrot cake which improves over time. This evening it was more delicious than yesterday, perhaps also aided by my hunger. Nuts, vegetables, cake. That’s my dinner.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tigger didn’t eat this morning which is a bit unusual but sometimes when he has a hairball he’s like that. He did eat a little bit in the afternoon but he looked a bit exhausted. Amy decided we should take him to the vet where they found he had an infection and fever. They gave him some medicine and he immediately perked up though he was still obviously stressed to be at the vet’s. We have to keep him inside for a couple of days and take him back again on Saturday.

Something I learned today?

Stupid humans can make a story out of nothing and call it news. Ok, I didn’t learn this today but it was reinforced when mainstream media headlined a story that ‘Chinese zoo accused of a bear being a human in a bear suit’. I’m getting to the point again of cutting out news media from my life, even ones that are of interest to me as they often highlight and ridicule the stupid humans doing and saying stupid things. I want to believe that the majority is better than that.

What is one thing I can do to improve my mental well-being?

Exercise. That’s it. I know it works and it’s the hardest to motivate yourself to do when your mental health is not good.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to worry less about ______ and more about ______.

I’ve been looking at this prompt for several days now and am still not sure what to write. I’m struggling to recall some of the things that I used to worry about or that, looking back, weren’t actually worth worrying about at that time.

Sometimes I would worry about what people thought of me but then at other times didn’t care at all. I still don’t much care though I’m not arrogant or over the top about it. 

Amy told her friends that I’m an introvert but I don’t think I am particularly. I just don’t interact much with people who don’t really fall into my group of interests. And I’m ok to be by myself. I don’t need attention. 

When I was younger I worried a little about money because it was difficult to find. I don’t have a need to worry about that too much these days.

I used to feel incomplete without a girlfriend but I never really worried about it, it was just a desire to be sharing my life with one person. I’m not sure why that was.

So maybe I would tell myself not to have worried about that so much and learned to love myself more and sooner.

In some ways, I grew up slowly, about ten years later than the stereotypical norm. I was in my early 30s when I was behaving like I was in my early 20s. That’s OK. I got there in the end and maybe it’s keeping me feeling ten years younger than I actually am.

I took this picture because Cap has been squeezing himself into Kim’s old favourite sleeping spot. You can still see Kim’s fur along the edges. I miss her so much and every time I think of her I get teary and the only way I cope is to not think of her. Cap is too big for the space so bits of him flow over the edges.

Grasp – 29th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The future is heading faster towards me
Time is running out to get things done
But what exactly is it that I should be doing?
I must be serious but want to have fun

When did I stop enjoying my life?
I can’t remember when I last laughed
Satisfaction always seems beyond my reach
No matter how many times I grasped

Today I’m feeling:

I can’t say it’s been a good day but my feeling has slowly brightened since its beginning at least.

Today I’m grateful for:

The security guard at Central who didn’t move me on from waiting in the car outside the entrance whilst Amy ran in to get lasagna sheets for cooking lunch tomorrow. Thanks, dude. I saw you doing a great job moving barriers for the VIP car owners.

The best thing about today was:

A big sushi dinner in an odd little family cabin space near the city. What it lacked in amenities, atmosphere and Japanesness was made up with good tasting food. Makes me want to go back to Japan though. Nothing beats the real deal.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After Baew and Mee had gone last night I helped Amy clean up the room not realising they had broken a glass and I had just walked barefoot through its remains. Luckily no damage done. Amy and Baew had managed to get through three bottles of wine and they both looked droopy-eyed and worse for wear.

I went in for a shower whilst Amy stayed a bit longer to clean and listen to music. After I finish my shower Amy appears with a bleeding foot, presumably from stepping on some rogue piece of glass. But she’s also annoyed that I didn’t answer her calls from the outside room to come and help. I hadn’t heard her calls as I was in the shower so not much I could really do about that. She didn’t quite see it that way but angrily told me that she was fine. So I went to bed, I was so tired by now. 

In the morning I woke up and Amy wasn’t in bed and didn’t look like she had been. I went around the house and outside and the car was also gone! I called her mum but she hadn’t heard anything. I jumped on the bike and went around to her friend’s houses nearby and around the hospital car park looking for our car but no sign. 

When I got back home the gardeners had arrived adding to the confusion. Stranger still, Amy was in the kitchen doing the washing up.

Asking where she had been I couldn’t get a straight answer but her foot seemed to be fine. 

By now I was starting to feel wound up and angry. I didn’t know what to do. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself. 

Often in situations like this I’ve found that just carrying on as normal and not showing any emotion will help so I asked Amy if there was anything she wanted me to do today to which she said no so I said ok, I’m going for coffee.

This first coffee tastes very bitter.

Something I learned today?

I really am badly affected by the lack of sunshine. It gets me down more than it should. I wonder if I don’t get enough sunshine even when it’s sunny because it’s too hot to be outside. 

Anyway, these last two cloudy days have made the temperature more hospitable. I contemplated sitting in the hammock but still working my way up to it, preferring to sit in front of the TV instead for now.

I took this picture because the avocado tree is proving to be a battler after being brutally cut down by our gardeners.

Headstones – 25th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Staring away at the whispered words
The smile no longer inspires
Ghostly here amongst the sleeping
Letting go of what love requires

The end of the story, said goodbye
Seven minutes to break a heart
The one that promised themselves so much
Must find the joy of a new start

Today I’m feeling:

I slept in the air-conned bedroom with Amy last night but still didn’t sleep that well, waking up with aching hips or feeling too cold! Anyway, it was better than feeling hot and Tigger had also sprayed in our bedroom and it was still smelly in there. 

My first class went well and has put me in a good mood as I sit here drinking coffee preparing for my next class in four hours and by preparing I mean doing something else besides thinking about teaching!

Today I’m grateful for:

My new pants that I bought yesterday and felt good wearing today. I tried the other pair I bought but even though they are the same maker and have the same label for waist size are about two sizes too small for me. No refunds. It’s a shame but I should’ve tried them on rather than trusting that they would be the same. My mistake.

The best thing about today was:

Firstly, having my last class, the troublesome rebellious lot, going well again and being a lot of fun this time, I’m glad that I made the change of style of teaching with them and whilst I don’t feel like I’m teaching them much at least they are practising their reading, writing and speaking skills to some degree.

Then, after school, Nong Na and Amy were waiting for me and we went off to Big C to get pizza and ice cream. It was good to see Na again, she has just started at the university in the Aviation faculty and I can already hear her improved confidence in listening and speaking since I last met her when she was in high school.

She is a quiet girl, never travelled far but is a good student and somehow Amy lit a fire under her and she has shown a determination to improve her English by herself. We are quite proud that she has come so far. She had never been to the Pizza Company store or to the ice cream shop so it was quite a thrill for her and it was our treat.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It’s ten pm and I’m in bed, ran out of time to play guitar today which I kinda look forward to even though some days I sit down to play and get frustrated after five minutes of trying. Tomorrow evening I should have enough free time though as Amy will go out so I await that with anticipation. Thursday will not be free but Friday is the start of six days off so I’ll get some practice time in then.

Something I learned today?

I’m in the middle of a questionnaire to discover my style of kindness at work but my eyes are drooping and Amy is already asleep on my shoulder so I will have to learn that tomorrow. I learned other things today for sure but what were they….?

How do I cope with stress and adversity?

By not inviting it into my head so often. When it does it always upsets me that I let it get the better of me. 

I took this picture a couple of weeks ago because these two-tone clouds looked amazing on the horizon. Unfortunately, it didn’t translate as well into a picture on my phone but as I didn’t find the time or opportunity to take a picture today then this will have to do. Tomorrow – must try harder!

Hulk Think! – 24th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Our society is wealthy enough to meet our needs
Yet organised such that violence is needed to survive
Fight not crime but instead, fight those who create it
A real civil society dictates what it means to be alive

inspired and paraphrased from Existential Comics 507

Today I’m feeling:

Slept badly and though I know I’m tired I also know today is an easy day, at least beyond the fact that we are running around doing my visa which is a stress all by itself. 

I forced myself to exercise a little this morning even though my routine is disrupted by Amy being here and us running around doing things.

Sometimes I can see how old people get grumpy when routines are broken. I don’t want to get set in my ways but I do want to get back into an exercise routine again.

Today I’m grateful for:

The visa officer who was kind and helpful and despite us having a small issue with a bank statement he allowed my visa to be processed and I have to go back in September hopefully to receive another year’s grace. 

The process is always stressful and has Amy wound up and I try my hardest to not bite and stay calm. Having not slept well I managed until around 11 am and was starting to flag. Whether Amy sensed that or not I’m not sure but I perked up when she decided, out of the blue, to buy me some nice shirts. Later in the day I also found some nice cheap work pants too. 

The best thing about today was:

Having the free time to deal with all the visa bullshit without too much hassle and still get back to hanging out with the kids at lunchtime and for my single class. Then back to shopping at the mall.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I lost my temper a little at the end of my class today as we were running out of time and a few girls were playing TikTok dancing on their phones. It passed quickly when I took the phone away and told them that they could get it back from their homeroom teacher at the end of the day. When the class finished one of the girls stayed behind and was suitably contrite, asking for the phone back. I was okay to do that this time with a reminder that next time it will definitely happen.

Something I learned today?

I found out that the visa officers at immigration get their lunchtime coffees at House. They came in as I was leaving today.

What are some activities or hobbies that bring me joy?

Joy? Sometimes when I’m riding my motorbike I get a feeling approaching joy. The smells, the air (when it’s clean), the cool of the shade, the freedom to discover. 

In the classroom, there are occasions when joy erupts, which is less easy when you’re on the teaching side of the equation.

Otherwise, there are times of happiness, satisfaction and fun but joy is not an emotion I particularly need to chase after. Small brief moments are preferable.

Takky took this picture because, for my visa application, we have to take photos in our bedroom, outside our front gate and, for this year, we turned the teaching room into our living room as Amy entertained there last night.

I Know What You’re Thinking – 23rd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 23 Comments

Dieter, where did you come from?
And where are you going on that train?
A coat and cigarette keep warm
There’s a look on your face I can’t explain

Your eyes reflect the blur outside
You look lost in what’s gone past
Speeding headlong backwards, onwards
Out into the cold world so vast

Moving at speed whilst quietly sitting still
The dust of the morning on your mind
Stepping onto the platform, time stood still
As you contemplated what you’d find

When you look out, you’re looking for me
I don’t mean for me to be seen
I mean you’re seeing the things I see
Reflected in all the places that I’ve been

I recognise your heart and passion
I see you collecting everyone’s thoughts
The future is heading right toward us
As we must navigate these ports

inspired by the attached photo, written about at Spinning Visions blog
15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to dVerse ONL
19th Jun 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – traveling by train

Today I’m feeling:

Struggled to get up after a difficult sleep. It was still over 30 degrees in my bedroom at midnight so I had to shove the fan next to the open window again and by the time it was getting light, I started to feel cool. Having the weight of the two fish I ate last night sitting in my stomach didn’t help either. Finally, I slowly stretched, cobra, child’s pose, cat and cow and opened my eyes. I felt okay. I talked myself into riding my pushbike to Utopia and eventually (see picture below) am relaxing with caffeine, considering a third cup to cap it all off.

Today I’m grateful for:

Window polish/cleaner. And Amy. Combined they made the kitchen window clean again. Free of lizard shit, cobwebs and other detritus. I can see clearly again as I chug down a glass of water or wash out the cat bowls.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling like things are coming together around our house again as Amy tidies, cleans and rearranges everything to her fancy. When I’m here by myself I’m just living but when Amy is here with me it feels like home again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess the morning start going to Utopia with Tangmo following along was a little test as I had to leave again before I could even have coffee and ride back, taking Tangmo home. But I dealt with it with calm acceptance and just enjoyed the ride and tiring ‘mo out.

Something I learned today?

I must’ve learned something today! Oh! I read a couple of interesting interviews in the Punk Planet book. 

That whole book has me reevaluating certain things about my role within the punk/DIY scene. I think when you are deep in the middle of something like that you take it very seriously. Sitting a little outside of that scene now puts into clearer context how others might have viewed it at the time. 

One of the interviews was about a scene member’s frustrations with the changes he’d seen at the time (mid-90s) and it felt a little trivial in retrospect but I also understand that a lot of time has passed since and more world experience gathered.

Of more interest was the other interview about protests about the gearing up for bombing Iraq in 1998. 

The interviewee was from our scene but had somehow found himself on live TV (CNN) addressing the warmongers in the US government. In the interview, he was hopeful about the movement of protest against this but history ended up differently as political manipulations saw to it that Iraq would be crushed and crippled for a long time. 

Almost every on-the-ground report I have heard was about how welcoming the average Iraqi was to strangers. The same propaganda that is currently loose on Russia and China must not be allowed to lead to military conflict. 

But the warmongers will continue to beat their drums until the tide of opinion is so overwhelming that it cannot be ignored. 

We hoped for that in 1998. Hoped for it in 2003. Hoped again and again. As situations in the most powerful Western countries deteriorate maybe we are edging nearer that change. Perhaps the world is waking up.

What are some things that help me feel calm and relaxed?

Meditation seems to help a little though I’m never quite relaxed when actually doing it. Perhaps the accumulation and habit is part of this process. Exercise helps too. I still don’t use my body enough but I’m slowly getting there.

Medication has ironed out my wavering emotions and I’m comfortable with that. 

I took this picture because crazy Tangmo ran beside me as I rode my push bike all the way to Utopia. Crazy dog. He was scared when I sat down because he wasn’t sure where he was. He couldn’t come in and if I came in he would’ve scratched at the door so there was nothing to do except ride him back home and come back for coffee on the motorbike as it was hot and sunny by then.