Tag: coffee

A Page Perfect – 16th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Perfect, unspoiled and clean
Yet only in imperfections
May the true art be seen

Here writ large, words spilled
To taint the page
Until it may be filled

Thoughts inspired, pour out pure
So much of myself
Of mess, of which I’m sure

Inspired by this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

Exhausted but Amy has me up and running around again. It’s ok. It’s 1pm and it feels like I’ve done about 8 hours already. That feeling is good sometimes. Still plenty of day left.

Today I’m grateful for:

The salted caramel popcorn Amy brought back from Australia. It’s pretty good, not too sweet. There’s also a pack of chocolate-drizzled popcorn here to look forward to too.

The best thing about today was:

Pretty much everything I guess. The time has gone so quickly despite what I wrote earlier. I guess I’m trying to squeeze in the things I normally do when I’m here by myself along with all the things that I’m now doing with Amy too. I’m kinda looking forward to going to school tomorrow because I only have one class so will be able to spend time with my best friend, coffee, all morning.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The neighbour’s kids all came and played with me yesterday whilst I was picking weeds out in the driveway. They even came with me into the entertainment area when I was hanging from the gym rings. Of course, the boys wanted a go too so I lifted them up and they grabbed on and they screamed for me to help them as they lost their grip. Today, uninvited, they came right up on our terrace whilst Amy was trying to sleep so I quietly went out and tried to keep them entertained but that lasted all of about ten seconds. After entertaining them again for a few minutes I managed to usher them away and came back inside to find Amy reluctantly awake. She wasn’t grumpy about it though. As I watched things on TV and Amy read, they snuck back and around the side of the house and started tapping on the window. Amy said not to engage with them and after a while, they got bored and went off on other adventures. I don’t mind the kids at all but our cats hate them and always run off and hide somewhere. I don’t want them coming back every day thinking they can do as they please here.

Something I learned today?

China just tested a new high-speed train that can reach 453 km/h! This could make a train trip from Beijing to Shanghai just 2 and a half hours. That’s pretty wild. I just hope that one of these things never crashes!

What is something I’ve been wanting to try, but haven’t yet?

Hmm…I think that probably the obvious choice for me now is to travel to Vietnam, Cambodia and Indonesia. This was one of the reasons for us to be located in Thailand, ease of travel in Asia. Somehow at the moment, I’m a little afraid to travel again though. I feel like I’ve lost that mojo a little. My life has been so comfortable here that I can just enjoy everything without going anywhere.

I took this picture because being a cat (with a caring owner ) has got to be the best life.
Fatman report

Plan 75 – 8th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Self-conscious annihilation is the only freedom
Everything else is a self-generated illusion
Does consensus happiness increase with your end?
Willing and able to come to this conclusion

Based on the idea to make legal the choice of euthanasia at age 75.

Today I’m feeling:

Exhausted again. What is it with Saturdays? Last night I was up til 1am and I think it was purely because I did my two hours of work in the afternoon when I might normally have had a nap on a fully free day. So my energy levels were up. This morning I ignored my alarm and the cats until Amy woke me up calling from Chatswood. My brain wasn’t functioning but after she hung up I decided I should get up. A couple of coffees had the desired effect and made me feel so good that I had a third along with some free coconut ice cream. All was good until about 3 pm and I couldn’t fight my aching eyes. Waking up again a couple of hours later and I still can’t seem to get going. My left eye is still aching and is pushing me closer to actually going to the optometrist tomorrow as I’m starting to feel more concerned about it.

Today I’m grateful for:

Twenty minutes of evening rain. It’s not much but almost every day for a week it has looked like rain was coming and it just disappeared again leaving the days humid and the nights stinky hot. The temperature is reasonable again and the sun is gone so hopefully it will stay cool until tomorrow.

The best thing about today was:

Definitely, the buzz I got from my coffees this morning. I really hope that whatever the issue is with my eye that I’m not told to stop drinking coffee! I know I could do it but damn I enjoy coffee so much sometimes. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy’s friend Paew, who had recently moved back to Chiang Rai from Bangkok has found that things here are not going so well for her and her husband and will move back. That’s a shame as having her around may have made Amy more comfortable when she’s back in October. Now I’m starting to feel that Amy will not be settled here at all. Ever. I will be disappointed about this but won’t stop her from making whatever choices she wishes. At some point, I will have to go with her to whatever our next decision dictates but my disappointment will be centred around the fact that I have found relative contentment here, especially with my job as a teacher. I could teach elsewhere but I know it would involve far more work and stress than I currently have. Whatever the next thing may be it will be more work and stress than I have now. It’s hard to psych myself up for that.

Something I learned today?

Reports are that there have been secret talks between the US and Russia about ending the war in Ukraine. My question is why the fuck were they secret? It seems because arms dealers can’t keep making sales whilst folks become aware of possible upcoming peace.

How do I want to grow as a person?

I was just thinking, as I was reading an interview from 1997 with a lesbian punk musician, that these days I don’t feel so connected with what they’re saying. One thing is about my age and relative experience but another is also that I no longer run around in the circles of young political punks like I did 10 or 15 years ago. It’s interesting to look at the outside and into something very familiar. I appreciate the fight for something important whether I believe in it or not. 

So I was imagining talking with the musician and trying to understand more about their passion. Or alternatively, imagining someone talking to me trying to find out more about me and my beliefs.

Now, I know we can get brief glimpses into people’s beliefs and ideas through even mundane conversation but I feel that I cannot express myself eloquently enough in verbal exchange. 

When I write I can sometimes feel that certain words and sentences accurately explain my beliefs but they are intermittent and spread throughout the mess of lots of other thoughts.

To feel some growth as a person perhaps I can get some of these core thoughts into order that help me to be more eloquent.

Having said that I also consider the fact that identifying and clarifying certain beliefs could be the beginning of close-mindedness. That’s something I would like to avoid as I can still recall how my younger self could consider ‘old’ people who had become set in their ways. Perhaps it’s inevitable.

I took this picture because dawg! Dumb dawg rolling around on the grass. He’s such a cutie for a smelly dumb dog. I just wish he was cool with the cats.

Aspirations – 2nd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We invented the Joneses
Something to aspire
Keep on the treadmill
Tweaking on desire

Bold, beautiful and rich
A mansion in the hills
Chasing after a life
Defined by constant thrills

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.

The best thing about today was:

It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help. 

When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them. 

Something I learned today?

Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.

What is a fear that I would like to overcome?

I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.

I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.

Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.

I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.

We Were Seventeen – 22nd June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In the grip of insecurities
She burned down the beautiful garden
New seeds sprouted with maturity
Reciprocated with a pardon

The weight of regret, too much to bear
One side of the story was hidden
Until this heartache was repaired and
Past indiscretions were forgiven

inspired by the Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Susceptible to minor disruptions. I realise I’m tired this morning after less than 7 hours sleep but I felt pretty good driving to work and was happy to have a little funny conversation with my students Jan and Baipad before driving to House for coffee. At the school exit, I was careful when driving across the busy main road. A traffic cop was standing there and angrily (it probably wasn’t with anger but just clear gesticulation) waved me through even as a big truck was bearing down from the left. Somehow that really made me dark, though I really understood quickly what was happening in my head. I’m still trying to replace the feeling by remembering the interaction with the students instead. It’s not quite working yet. Perhaps this is a job for coffee!

Today I’m grateful for:

My students for really testing me today as I struggled with energy and enthusiasm. A couple of students who didn’t want to read in front of the class I kept back and had them try just for me and I’m proud that they did it. I just want them to get more confident and comfortable so that they test themselves and their abilities. I’m not so fussed about their actual output.

The best thing about today was:

Nothing in particular. Today was a bit of a blur and spent mostly in an above-average happy mood (after the incident in the morning).

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I was starting to feel fatigued and exhausted by the time of my last class, who have become comfortable enough with me to try to push my boundaries. For the second half of the lesson, I had them read in front of the class with the rule that if anyone talked the reader would have to start again from the beginning. They soon figured out to be quiet and managed it for about 40 minutes which was good enough to get things done. 
I was happy to leave school and looking forward to getting home but then I remembered I had to go shopping too. Still, I managed to push on. I’m ready to drop.

What is a habit I would like to develop?

I think there’s nothing much at the moment. I’ve worked on developing a number of habits over the last three years and my time is too full already. So perhaps the question should be reversed to which habit I might like to inhibit instead. Eating candy? Watching YouTube? I don’t know, really? I think I’m good for the moment.

I took this picture because I saw something unusual sprouting from this plant (plant or tree, I’m not sure) yesterday and this morning it had become much more visible and grown to this. I never thought these would have flowers, which is presumably what will come. Stay tuned.

Left To Stay – 16th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Time doesn’t have to make sense
In fact, it never will
Every now becomes a then
Forever standing still
A life amounts to nothing much
Just another day today
Gone are the years to come
There’s nothing left to stay

Today I’m feeling:

Aircon worked all night again though I changed the setting so it wasn’t freezing but I still woke up a few times and on top of being worn out, I woke up groggy, already thinking about tomorrow’s sleep-in. However, I got going with some exercise and my body feels good. Hopefully, this first coffee I’m waiting for helps keep my eyes open through my four hours between classes.

Today I’m grateful for:

My poorer students. Sometimes it is more enjoyable to watch them discover something than to watch the ones already up to speed rush to finish first. In my morning class, I was worried about how to fill the time but thankfully many students struggled with the task and we ended up finishing just five minutes early.

The best thing about today was:

I just finished playing guitar for about an hour and enjoyed making a bad racket for no one to hear. My whole day was enjoyable with tiring but fun classes filled with laughter.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I couldn’t stop myself from getting a late afternoon coffee as I was running around after school. I think it kept me going but may also keep me up tonight. I will handle it by sleeping in tomorrow if I wish.

Something I learned today?

I found out that at the end of the month is scout week again plus two days holiday too! What a life.

What is a recent accomplishment I am proud of?

That’s an interesting question. I think my accomplishments may be diminishing in grandeur these days but that is fine. I’ll bite off whatever I can gum. I’m quite proud of myself for my improving Thai skills though I’m still way off from being able to carry out a decent conversation but I was happy for my students to tell me that they appreciated that I spoke a little Thai with them and one student told me my pronunciation was the best of the foreign teachers in the school. It’s a bit of a delicate balance as the schools generally don’t want the foreign teachers speaking Thai but I’ll do whatever I can to help my students understand.

I took this picture because Tokyo is not an excitable puppy anymore but now has a chunky body with a skinny neck and a thin face. She spends her day mostly lazing around like this.

History Now – 8th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You don’t need to worry about the future 
If you made your foundations solid today
Soon this day is done, there’s only looking back
And reflecting on how you got along this way
Say to yourself that you work and you exist
And it’s some kind of history you’re making
What’s done is done and all is set
That’s the future that you’ve been creating

Today I’m feeling:

Struggled to get up as sleep was interrupted a little by being too hot but once I settled in to exercise my body started to feel good and ready to go. My mind followed suit. I’m writing this as I’m stuck up on stage waiting for this ceremony to finish but I’m not resentful or bothered about being here. Rather than feeling like a waste of time I can read or write in relative peace. The two quick coffees I downed before getting here probably helped a lot too.

Today I’m grateful for:

Kru Karn dragging me up onto the stage for the ceremony today. Although I didn’t understand anything it was nice to watch the traditional Thai dance and the beautiful song that was sung. And then Kru Karn asked if I wanted to leave as she said she had class so I managed to escape before it got too boring. A nice way to start the morning.

The best thing about today was:

In the morning, my body feeling good after exercise and my brain feeling good after coffee. Hearing the song the children sang and chatting with Kru Karn, meeting many of my students in a slightly different setting than normal outside the classroom.
In the afternoon, enjoying dealing with my last class for the day and at least making it a little enjoyable for those that are still struggling to understand. Even the students I mildly punish left smiling. Chatting with Kru Fluke and Kru Fang and then gossiping with some of the students before enjoying the drive home listening to a podcast about Killing Joke’s first album.
In the evening, before running out of energy, I enjoyed revisiting the rest of the day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I got home around 4 pm I dashed out to go and get the fried fish from the walking street that I usually enjoy but they either weren’t there today or I was too early so I came home empty-handed and had a quick microwave spaghetti meal which wasn’t really enough so I had some pomelo and then some raisins with rice crackers. Even then I didn’t feel sated. 
Around 7 pm I suddenly ran out of energy and feel exhausted and spent. There are a few things I’d like to be doing but feel like I may have to just go to bed. I don’t feel sleepy, I kinda don’t feel anything.

Something I learned today?

I learned that some states in the USA are suing Hyundai and Kia (I think) for their cars being too easy to steal! Now those companies have to keep some hundreds of millions of dollars in reserve for possible compensation claims.  Totally ridiculous!

Where did I make progress?

I made a little progress with my Thai learning and also with my classes. A little progress with working my abs and hanging for 15 seconds a couple of times a day. This progress is slow and steady and is the best type of progress.

How has my personality changed or evolved over time?

I would say I have followed a fairly traditional evolution of personality, gaining wisdom through reflection and not being in such a hurry as in my youth. I’ve learned better control of my emotions, though that has been a long hard road to navigate.

I took this picture because today is ‘respect the teachers’ day and although I was going to skip out I ended up getting dragged up on stage with everyone. I watched the beautiful dance but better still was a choir who sang a really nice Thai song. It made me think about learning some Thai songs to help with language learning.

How Do You Do, Bartholomew? – 3rd June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In the battle between one god
And this supreme being’s two sets of believers
Each arguing that they were doing good
And that the others were purely deceivers

These good deeds involved massacring
Those that believed the same thing
Killing more of each other than those
That hated what some good deeds might bring

More than the Romans ever threw to the lions
Over the space of three hundred years
In just one day thousands lay dead
And the Pope rejoiced with glorious tears

The irony seems to be lost on some
When their books said to live and let live
Only humans could twist the words of their god
And make it part of their dogma to forgive

Inspired by a section of Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari dealing with religion.
1st Apr 2024 – Submitted to My Vivid Blog

Today I’m feeling:

I’m zonked out today. I went to bed around one thirty last night and I knew I was dog tired but still felt like I was in a good mood and should be doing things. I knew it wasn’t the best idea though and fell asleep quickly in the end. I got up late this morning and felt pretty good but by about lunchtime, I was crashing. I just ran out of energy.

Today I’m grateful for:

Yes’s album Drama, which I listened through twice as I crashed out through the afternoon on the sofa. I drifted in and out of consciousness as did the music. At times it made me think of the 70s and 80s, the Old Grey Whistle Test and listening to John Peel late at night. I can’t recall any of the music, even just a couple of hours later but I know I enjoyed it. I’ll listen to it again soon.

The best thing about today was:

Getting into bed early and getting a message from my student Jet that she was having problems at home with her mum and stepdad. I tried to understand as best I could and gave her my support. Jet is a very funny, smart but lazy, tomboy that speaks her mind and has a lot of bravado but as with any kid around 12-15 has her own insecurities and hers is whether her parents love her.
Her mum and dad split a couple of years ago after her dad cheated and no doubt her mum was shocked and sad, and now with a new man living in the house there must be all sorts of conflicting emotions at play for everyone.
Sadly, a lot of kids are facing situations like this. I wonder if it is spurring on the popularity of lesbian relationships here. Girls are seeing how badly their mothers get treated and then forgive and remain subservient to men and they’re deciding that’s not what they want in their lives but they still want love.
Anyway, the reason this was the best thing that happened today was Jet’s response of ‘Thanks for listening, you’re the best teacher and I love you! ‘
That warmed my heart though I did remind her that I am not perfect either!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My energy levels, handled by sleep! I think I just get so exhausted during the week at school and whilst still buzzing on the Friday, it all comes crashing down on the weekend. That’s not to say I didn’t get anything done or feel down. I’ll bounce back.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, there was a report out of Cambridge University Press that China is no longer communist but runs a free market, controlled capitalist system and that at the same time, the USA is becoming an increasingly authoritarian system. In my lifetime the world has turned upside down but I still know where to stand.

What are some simple pleasures that bring me happiness?

Coffee. Is coffee simple enough? Maybe not but right now it is simple. Reading a good book that stimulates thought and memory. The smell of night jasmine. A clean shave. The soft ache of a post-workout body. The struggle of conversation in a second language.

I took this picture because this is Thailand. Dirty, dusty, hot, random, wild, beautiful.

Communion – 26th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A spark flies on wandering wings
Darting forth on invisible strings
Before coming to rest on the orange soil
Growing here a cluster of limes
By the river flowing since ancient times
And the field the poorest farmers toil

The leaves all fall and flow downstream
Watched by those that wish to dream
Of lands and opportunities far away
What is here and there is just the same
The seas and cities all wax and wane
Only the princes are happy to stay

Keeping butterflies within their cages
Whispered words on parchment pages
Tell legends of a joyful union
Setting fires ablaze, the whole world sings
Another spark flies on wandering wings
Ignites the story of our own communion

Today I’m feeling:

Good and happy. This morning I opted for a 7-minute chest workout because yesterday whilst students were talking to me one of them whispered ‘Teacher nom yai’ and I looked at her and grabbed my chest and gave a stern face and then a sad face, all the while we were all laughing. As my lower back was a bit sore this morning I decided to try and work off some boob fat!

Today I’m grateful for:

Goy and Bae for letting us share their Netflix until now. News is that they won’t be able to share anymore as Netflix is changing the options to only be able to share on the same wifi network. That’s ok for me. I enjoy watching things on there but I already have a whole host of other things I can spend time watching.

The best thing about today was:

Whilst sitting in House, watching a lecture on modern poetry and trying to find inspiration to write something myself, an attractive young couple came in and ordered coffees, and inspiration was found in the young ladies’ soft smooth tan skin, pretty feet and bare waist. So I wrote about temptation, how it can only lead to trouble and that it’s better just to enjoy the view.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had a plan to go to see Matt between my classes today and messaged him as he had asked before leaving school to drive there. I had contemplated cancelling as I’m pretty tired from the first full week of classes but figured it would help keep me going for the rest of the day rather than sitting around for the whole four-hour break between classes. Unfortunately, Matt replied that he was busy caring for his mother-in-law who had broken her ankle. Well, the change of plan was fine. I mean, I don’t need much convincing to sit around drinking coffee in a favourite cafe and doing bits and pieces of reading and writing.

Something I learned today?

Also at House, Gui offered me a new tea that he had in stock. He told me it was a famous Chiang Rai tea though I didn’t quite catch the name and when he presented it to me it was blue, made with butterfly pea flowers. It was sweet tasting without having any sugar added and refreshing with ice. He then offered more but this time with milk and a little syrup and that was delicious. Along with two coffees and two glasses of water, I was well slaked.

Where do I usually find inspiration?

Well, I guess thinking back on today’s poetic inspiration it would appear that pretty ladies are where I usually find it! In general though, I would say inspiration is found in beauty, wherever that may be seen. A river, a rainbow, a flower, a tree. Similarly, it can be found within the dark ugly shadows of desperation too. 

I took this picture about ten days ago and posting it today as I haven’t had much time or inspiration to take pictures these last couple of days.

Busy With Nothing – 13th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Stuck in traffic going home
I’m busier than a bee
I’ve got no real friends to phone
To hear my annoying plea
My girlfriend or my shoes?
Everything is a problem to me
I got everything to lose
And that’s all that I can see
Running round in circles 
Is this all I’ll ever be?
Searching for the exit sign
Will you come and set me free?

Today I’m feeling:

A little inspired. My brain is gearing up slowly. A slow start off the grid but preparing to hit cruise speed as quickly as I can.

Today I’m grateful for:

Can I say coffee again? Art mixed a blend for me this morning that was delicious and smooth. So good that I stayed for three cups.
But I can’t always be putting coffee here so let’s be thankful for my back door, of which a big chunk of wood came off today. Pounded by intense sunshine, wild variations in temperature and cold mountain rain it was only a matter of time until it would start disintegrating. We have a screen door so no critters can get it thankfully.

The best thing about today was:

Watching a little lizard in my living room suddenly run out from behind the tv cabinet with its head held up. It was looking at the wall and an ant appeared from behind the curtain. After a second of stalking the ant was in its mouth and it dashed off to safety behind the cabinet again to enjoy its meal. This is a lizard house and without them, it would be an ant house.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Today the aircon repair people called me but they couldn’t speak any English and my Thai wasn’t good enough but I did understand enough to hear ‘add LINE’ and I said ok. I put their phone number into LINE and their profile came up but when I clicked ‘add’ it said the account had been deleted. Thankfully it’s cooler today and there seems to be enough cool air coming through to keep the bedroom at a good temperature. I haven’t had the air on in the living room today as it has been just cool enough….but only just.

Something I learned today?

I watched a Jerry Grey video about the Chinese ‘police stations’ supposedly around the world and all roads lead back to a Swedish guy who was deported from China (I forget the reason ) who has a grudge.  The alleged ‘police stations’ are nothing more than administration offices offering services to Chinese citizens who need documents processed to save them from having to return to China to do it and all the people working in them are not diplomats so they don’t have immunity to local laws. Two people were arrested in New York and as Jerry says it is likely that no crimes will be found to have been committed but there will be no reactions or apologies ever offered and either way it’s just another small piece of propaganda on top of a huge fucking pile that has been building for years.

What’s on my mind right now?

I’m feeling a nervous excitement for the new semester and meeting new students. In some ways, I’m glad that the main classes I taught last year I will only see briefly this semester. I loved them all dearly but they sure did exhaust me testing my patience. I’m wondering if I can disconnect myself a little from my students this year. Connecting in such a way has upsides and downsides. It fills up a reciprocal affection that warms the heart yet devastates at the end of each semester when everyone goes their separate ways.

I took this picture because this tree is fully in bloom again. It seems like only a couple of months ago it was blooming. The tropics are wild.

7th June 2023 – All the flowers in this picture dropped again but now another new lot is blooming. Weird.

One Less Star – 12th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 6 Comments

The light has gone out
The night sky one less star
Aimlessly shuffling about
Wondering just where you are

Left alone to ponder
Bereft of the joy of tomorrow
Blinkered as I wander
Drowning in all this sorrow

31st Jul 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – grief

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more upbeat and lively today. I ended up having a reasonable sleep last night though woke up before my alarm. A quick workout and a cold shower got me going and I ended up at House preparing lessons for about three hours without feeling tired or bored.

Today I’m grateful for:

Eventually realising I could take the covers off the sofa cushions that have cat spray on them and I was able to wash them. Why didn’t I realise this before!?

The best thing about today was:

Getting in the zone whilst putting together lessons this morning at House. I ended up drinking three coffees whilst I was there. I’m starting to look forward to being back in the classroom.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I didn’t manage to finish writing this on Friday as I got distracted by reading comics instead. I’m handling it by updating here on Saturday morning.
Some days are tough to write. Somehow the feeling is that nothing is important. Everything is just time wasted until it’s your turn to die. Yet still I strive. Because not all days feel like that. I sometimes envy happy people, funny people, warm inviting people. But it’s impossible for me to put on the act that would be required for me to be like that. I try to be sincere and true to myself. I want my brain to tell me I’m happy. Sometimes it works.

Something I learned today?

I saw a preliminary student list and thankfully most of the classes will have fewer students than last year and my M4 class (15/16-year-olds) only has 16 and 14 of them are girls. That class is looking like it will be a breeze.

7th June 2023 – I just finished a lesson with this class, which now only has 15 students as one boy left. It is indeed a breeze even though there are only two students with reasonable English. The rest are mature enough not to fuck it for everyone and they struggle through.

What was a small detail I noticed today?

I ate a tube of Pringles today and as neared the end I thought that I could use the tube to make a little birdhouse by cutting a hole in it. There are birds nesting everywhere around our house and there’s a spot between the panels and the roof I can put the tube and see if they go inside. They already have a bit of a messy nest up there and it would be fun to see if they adopt themselves into this new home.

7th June 2023 – They haven’t used it so far, preferring their mess of dried grass instead.

I took this picture because this is the school cat, Garfield. Almost the spitting image of little Kim and has a similar carefree attitude.