Tag: conspiracy theory

Aching Bone – 15th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has got an aching bone
Something imperfect inside
The picture may be pretty
But there’s always something to hide

Flat feet, terrible teeth
The flaws remain concealed
There’s lipstick on the cover
In the morning the truth revealed

Bad breath and wrinkled eyes
The Botox is wearing off
The aching bone is constantly nagging
Unable to look pretty and cough

As I was waiting somewhere, my left foot aching from fallen arches, a pretty girl walked by, drawing my eyes. Perfect on the outside, what is her fallen arch? Her hidden aching bone?

Today I’m feeling:

(1.40 am) still awake with a headache.

(3pm) When I finally got to sleep it was deep and with no real morning planned for, I slept until 11am and headed off to coffee and Tom’s new shop on the bus. Even then I didn’t quite wake up until I started browsing the books in the shop, of which he had curated a good selection and I picked up about five. It was good to see Tom too, he looks like he’s doing well these days. 

I walked over to Newtown which was really nice to do, past old buildings and streets I used to drive through.

I got to Moshpit and met Bob and Julian and the band turned up and I caught up with everyone again. Nicely nostalgic and not too weird, even though it’s a Sunday afternoon and I have other places to go to soon.

Today I’m grateful for:

Tom and 19th Nervous Breakdown for buying me coffee, giving me CDs and only charging me 20 bucks for 5 books and a CD. Good man!

Also to Julian for covering the cost of my ticket to the show today. Good man! 

The best thing about today was:

Catching up with Shouwang and Carsick Cars again and talking about the good old days, I suppose. It seems like in Beijing these aren’t the good old days anymore.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Apart from my sleep there was nothing much that couldn’t be easily handled. I didn’t even eat until 7 pm except a Snicker Bars which took off another piece of tooth after losing a bit last night whilst eating bread rolls. I guess that was out of my control but thankfully the filling is still intact so there’s no pain at the moment.

Something I learned today?

Thanks to Dave I learned too much about chickens and limestone. I’m somewhat jealous of people like Bronwyn and Dave who are just able to keep talking even if it’s not that interesting or relevant. I noticed Dave checking himself occasionally before he started wandering off into conspiracy land though he did end up getting into something but I can’t even remember what it was now because it was just so dumb.

Who do I need to spend time with?

I need to spend more time with Amy and to settle back into a comfortable routine that will work for me again. I know there will not be enough time to do all the things I’ve been used to and Amy will have me busy doing things.

I took this picture because it’s been a good while since I got my ears blasted at a show.

I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.

Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.

Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.

Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.

To-do list

  • Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Listen – respond with understanding ½
  • More Thai practice ✅
  • Actually draw mini-zine

Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.

In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.

In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.

He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.

I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.

After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.

Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.

I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.

Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.

I like it when your eyes get big – 9th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Tuesday 7 am – no workers yet, cancelled two days running. Sabai sabai. Just do a good job – a long lasting job.

Hot Snakes in head today. Mild-mannered Froburg, last night podcast – couldn’t get to sleep from tension in my legs – eventually, did – XOX – all Hot Snakes songs are great but sound the same

Why am I comfortable to sit cross-legged? It fucks my back but feels better at the time. Bruce, work today, visit bookshop – I love books – take another for Bruno.

Evidence – I am a believer in what can be known – not so much what isn’t known. Will argue with George over this for sure – but keep it good-natured.

What did I dream? I don’t recall. Talk with Andrew on Sunday – what about? What method – work it out. A Dinosaur Jr. riff – always different always the same – my head is full of musical trivia – nonsense – but so it is.

Finished my jigsaw – meditate on that. Observe. Sounds and light.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for all the people I have met in my life, good and bad, they made me into who I am.

To-do list

  • Update document for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Find 5-10 minutes to meditate
  • Scan some pictures
  • Draw mini zine

I took some time today to learn more Thai and didn’t get to do so much else. Another very chilled day with no real work to do as such. I felt happy and contented and tried harder to listen and get more understanding from people. George mostly.

He started talking about fake moon landings and I didn’t argue against him but asked what it is about these types of things that interests him. I gave him my reason for not believing in the conspiracy and we both understood each other.

The lesson with Bruce was good despite my being a bit tired – it ended up an enjoyable discussion.

I did spend many times concentrating on the feelings in my body – when walking, when driving and there were also a couple of moments during the day when I just felt very contented. I want to learn to hold on to those – especially when we actually have to work in class. We talked (me, George and Dylan) about making classes fun and enjoyable for the students and I have to remember this more as I fell I am a more serious and sombre teacher.