Tag: control

Old New York – 18th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Feel the ghosts and hear the stories
Factories become a millionaire’s abode
A generation of magnificent glories
Along pitiful streets where immigrants strode

Indifference poisons with its toxic fumes
Yet the awe of history inspires
For all the city night consumes
Comes the morning a coffee and bagel requires

The rattle and hum of the train tracks
Hints at the golden age of old
Before beastie boys were graffiti rats
Running away from the winter’s cold

Before the mob, before the game
Hotel rooms rented for a buck
Wishing the old times back again
Now the towers ran out of luck

The lady lights us on the way
Whether it’s another coming or going
Now just a symbol of a better day
One that was worth knowing

inspired by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

I had to sleep early last night to catch up a little. This morning I did my warmup but no exercise. Because Amy was coming with me I knew I would need to leave a little earlier to get her to her mum’s before I go to school. Amy was not in a good mood but warmed up after a while and I was feeling pretty armed and ready for the day. It’s stinky hot already.

Today I’m grateful for:

A change of routine for me. Going out with Amy and her family for lunch.  It was a little different to the normal Thai food we might get and certainly different to what I usually just get for myself. Despite not being terribly spicy it had my tummy doing somersaults in the afternoon.

The best thing about today was:

My last class of the day, which caused me so much grief last week must have been feeling a little contrite as they all came and started doing work for me. I changed things up and put the class in the canteen where it doesn’t matter how much noise they make and I didn’t really teach as such but set them some writing, reading and dictionary look-up tasks. When it came to reading though I did have to coach some of them and it was good to feel that at least a couple of these kids were learning something, in particular Gam, who really showed her appreciation for the help I gave her. I think I will keep this format of lessons for this class for a little while. They will learn that the quicker they get down to work and finish then the quicker they can leave without causing any disruption to others or frustration to me. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy surprised me with a gift and as I unwrapped and unboxed it I had no idea what to expect. She had found someone in Bangkok that makes 3D portraits of cats and inside the box was a portrait of our lovely little Kim Chi. I appreciated the thought but at the moment I’m not ready for this. Amy burst into tears as soon as she saw it too and I wasn’t far behind. Like old photos of Steve being the lasting memories of him, I don’t want this portrait to replace my memories of Kim. Whilst the likeness is good, it’s not her. 

I know in time it will be ok. I can imagine this portrait being on display in the house somewhere and it will serve its purpose as a reminder. I asked Amy if we could keep it away until the anniversary of her passing and perhaps it will feel more comfortable then.

Slightly shell-shocked I walked outside to close the gate and then spent some time pulling up grass and weeds from around Kim’s memorial plant which is growing where she is buried. 

I love/d that cat so much. 

Something I learned today?

Amy and I went to the drive-thru vehicle tax stop and got new tax discs for our bike and car. For the car though I had to pay for whatever speeding and red light infringements I’d incurred during the year, of which I know there were at least two because I just threw them away when I eventually found them in the letterbox which I only check every six or eight months. At 1500 baht it wasn’t too bad really. Less than the cost of some parking tickets in Australia.

Slightly amusing was having to go round again to get the second disc, we couldn’t just do them both at the same time. 

Amy thinks this is because sometimes just one person from a village will rock up with everyone’s paperwork from the village to get done at once. I kinda like this stupid flexibility where what seems like a strict rule should be enforced, i.e. making the owner of the vehicle pick up and pay in person, can be replaced by a simple rule of only processing one payment per vehicle at a time, allowing for a comedic drive around a 100m square to queue again. The motorbike tax cost 101 baht. About 4 Aussie dollars!

What are some of my favourite things about this time of year?

Usually, it would be the cooler air but that is not happening this year due to the El Nino effect. It’s 30 degrees in the bedroom and the two fans are just stirring around treacle air. 

The cycle of the seasons still confuses me a little here. This time of year doesn’t hold the same kind of meaning as it did in the UK or Australia. I don’t have any romantic connections with any of the seasons here. Last year’s bike rides around September and October are perhaps the first deep connections I have made in connection with the seasons here. It was the end of a longer rainy season and the temperatures had become more reasonable, all the dust had gone and the mud was hardening on the dirt roads again, before they were turned back to dust.

But July? It’s rainy season. I don’t go out much. Summer – it’s too hot to go out much. Winter? Winter is nice.

What is in my control today?

Me. I think I managed to keep myself in control quite well today. From a grumpy Amy in the morning to classrooms full of excitable kids caring less about learning, to running around shopping, eating with family and running out of time and energy at home, I was able to stay calm and collected (at least until I saw the portrait of Kim – but I know that wound will heal in time.)

I took this picture at lunch because I wanted to try the dessert which was a green mango ice cream with deep-fried crispy shallots, fine chilli and tamarind. That’s a pretty wild mix and something I would never have thought I would experience when I was eating 99s as a kid.

Red Skies – 19th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

As the book opens, princesses are yawning
Dead-eyed dogs trudge homeward
Bamboo whistles in the wind
Lulling all with the promise of reprieve
Here at the edges of time
The world diverges for those to clash
Mad deviations keep the wheels greased
For those dogs forever fighting
The red sky denied, turns blue
Filled with the joyful and forlorn
Intermissions inspire reflection
About the dogs that stalk the dark

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and better than yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Thai teachers around me who were helpful and also amusing. Despite having to ‘work’ all weekend it was interesting enough and time passed by quickly thanks to the pleasant atmosphere.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out about some cool features of some of the tools we were learning today, enough to make me consider paying the small fee to access them. They would help enhance my classes a little.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Not having enough time at home to get all the chores that should have been completed on time. How did I handle it? By doing them, but not on time. It’s not the biggest issue but it means leaving wet washing outside overnight.

Also, I wasn’t able to shampoo Tigger again and he really needs it. I hope to do that on Tuesday afternoon if nothing else comes up.

Although these things are not really in my control I don’t consider them to be that important that they are giving me too much stress. There was a time when I would’ve let these things bother me more.

Something I learned today?

From reading an online post I found out that perhaps Hanoi is comparable to Chiang Mai and HCMC to Bangkok. Armed with that information I think I would prefer northern Vietnam to the south. Not that I wouldn’t want to check it all out for myself.

The writer described Hanoi as more of a collection of villages that have become joined and it is still quick and easy to get out into the mountains and jungles.

How do my thoughts and emotions impact my daily life?

My thoughts need to counter my emotions so I can stay in control. I get better at this though that may be due to avoiding people rather than actual improvement in control!

I took this picture because I knew there weren’t going to be many other chances to take photos today. I dropped into Utopia for my coffee, drinking it quickly but enjoying it immensely. Art gave me a new blend today that was light but zingy.

Dead Fred – 9th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s a baggy-eyed business
This thinking of words
Hoping just sleeping
On the line with the birds

A birthday party is humming
A familiar feeling of lack
It’s an obscene affair
But those words are coming back

based on Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files #217

Today I’m feeling:

Relaxed and happy

Today I’m grateful for:

The bathroom at House. I had to go into the city after drinking coffees and water at House and in the time from leaving to heading back school I was busting. I didn’t think I’d make it to school so quickly ducked back to use the bathroom at House – just in time!

The best thing about today was:

Eating the bread that Nut made and brought round yesterday along with the smoked salmon and cream cheese Amy left here. I’m so happy to have people around me to feed me!

Also talking with Amy on video call. Though she’s far away it feels like she’s right here. Conversation and communication hasn’t changed since she left, just the method.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I think it’s good that it’s getting harder to think of things that were out of my control. I don’t recognise those things so easily now as they don’t affect me, I’ve let go. Sure, there was lots that was out of my control today but it was all inconsequential. Can I say they were handled without even thinking?

Something I learned today?

Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken was written as a jest to his friend but has been turned, rightfully I think, into a call for individualism and taking chances. I like Frost’s quip ‘I’m never more serious than when I’m joking.’ Truth is often told in jest.

Where can you reduce clutter in your life?

Physically I’m relatively uncluttered these days. As I’ve gotten older, the spaces I’ve lived in have gotten bigger whilst I’ve been buying less. So the stuff I do have is just more spread out. Digitally I’m trying to reduce the clutter of my photos and music library. This has involved me doing nothing so far but knowing that this is where I can reduce clutter in my life.

I took this picture on Saturday because it’s all about the edges. Where the water meets the land, dividing it, where stories are made and bridges built. The mountains and the sky, clear division.

First full school day with no Amy. Back to business as usual.

Running around a little today getting together things for my work permit. So much paper waste in Thailand. 7 copies of every stamped passport page! Once this paper is filed it will never be seen again.

Good classes today, kids happy enough, teacher happy enough. I’m starting to sit back a little and can see some self-motivation from some of the students now.

Mum and Dad’s plumbing guy came and fixed up my pipe and it looks ok except for the hole in the concrete. I’ll have to figure out how to take care of it at some point I guess. Maybe just fill it with sand. Anyway, only around 600 baht to sort out. Happy with that.

Tangmo rolled around the grass as I caught up on watering.

Talked to Amy about the coming year and how things might work out. I think the seed has been planted to do something here but there are another 6-12 months for new ideas to pop up.

Up In Smoke – 29th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

How to fill the hole in that space?
The emptiness in the halls
When reminded every day
By the pictures on the walls?
Your smell permeates the air
Your shoes still outside the door
Waiting for some other soul
Because you don’t need them anymore
As your clothes hang in the cupboard
Unbearable, the thought to remove
But one day the burden must lift
Knowing you’d surely approve
Now you’re blown to the wind
But the heart is where you stay
Bittersweet what time is left
Until I join you again one day

Educate the children and it won’t be neccesary to punish the men.

Pythagoras

Today I’m feeling:
Tired and sleepy
Today I’m grateful for:
Shitty 7/11 coffee to fuel my drive to Lampang. No decent coffee today but that will make tomorrow all the more sweet.
The best thing about today was:
At uncle’s funeral today there was the usual chanting and ceremony but something I hadn’t seen before was a traditional acapella song that sounded almost islander in origin. Mourners gathered around the coffin and with arms around each other in a long chain they swung side to side with the rhythm. It was really quite beautiful.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Almost everything was out of my control today except my thoughts and reactions, which were all positive. Today was a day for other people and I submitted to that.
Something I learned today?
The US military has recruiters in US schools actively targeting the poor and those unable to afford college tuition fees (or their debt). Military personnel, I believe, get free college tuition. That’s pretty crazy!
What are you most proud of in your life?
Coincidentally I just posted a response to a similar question that I wrote a couple of years ago. That was a list of three things I was proud of, which still stands today. Though looking at this question grammatically, I wouldn’t want to have one thing I was most proud of but to be proud of many things. Life is long and deserves many proud moments.

I took this picture because this is where uncle’s body became ash and smoke. This crematorium is bigger than I’ve experienced before. I’m starting to recognise more of the extended family at the funerals I go to. However, the family also dwindles each time.

A Deer With No Eyes – 19th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was in the trees, in the air
Its meaning was never clear
Both here and over there
Sometimes hidden in fear
It was simple, it was strong
It would never disappear
Sometimes right and other times wrong
Especially after having a beer
Often spoken, sometimes just thought
It influences its sphere
Sometimes learned, sometimes taught
Or born right now and here
Never met a deer with no eyes
They always seem to appear
Born in imagination, in surprise
Boom! – an idea!

The universe is what it is, not what I choose that it should be.

Bertrand Russell

Today I’m feeling:
Content, relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
The staff at the hospital that administered (paperwork and execution) Amy’s second rabies shot. Hopefully her wounds heal well and there are no repercussions.
The best thing about today was:
Today has been consistent and modestly good, from a bit of exercise, listening to an interesting podcast about the Slits, good coffees, a fun first class, taking Amy to the hospital, then lunch at Oasis, more good coffee, a fun second class, then to the movies to watch the second Avatar movie which, whilst not a great movie was better than I expected.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had to run around for, and with, Amy a lot today and couldn’t spend my usual time writing and reading at House which I look forward to. Rather than feeling grudgful I tried to savour and did end up enjoying the whole day.
Something I learned today?
I mostly learned this last week whilst listening to Jello Biafra interview Dominic Davi on his Renegade Roundtable podcast, though I finished listening this morning. Dominic had had a stroke fairly recently and described the experience and aftereffects of it. I’d been thinking about it on and off over the weekend especially as I am now in the age demographic more likely to experience this. This morning I was reminded again about the BE FAST acronym. Balance, Eyes, Face and then the other things I forget but I reckon you’d recognise it with those at least. This is all well and good to assist someone else but I’d be worried if it was happening to me and I was by myself or unable to communicate with others around me as Dominic described. He was helped quickly be others recognising the signs. Well, this is useful knowledge at least though I hope it is knowledge that will go unused.
Describe something you learned from your mother.
I’ve written about this before but I think I learned patience, hard work, solitude and don’t-give-a-fuck-what-others-think attitude from my mum.

I took this picture because I gave my students in 1/7 a spelling test and with prep and repetition took about one and a half hours to complete but it was actually a lot of fun and I think the kids even found it a little amusing, some of them doing better than either they or I expected. This is also the only picture I took today!

Drag – 30th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The dog lashed to the cart
Doesn’t dictate the way
Accepts the choices given
And finds the space to play

We defend with our lives the petty principles which divide us…we fight only for the status quo, our particular status quo.

Henry Miller

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
The animals that were sacrificed to go into the meat jerky that Tokyo and Tangmo love so much. Tokyo loves to see me in the mornings now and today snatched up the empty jerky bag and wouldn’t give it back, growling and snarling if your hand was anywhere close. Me and Gui’s dad couldn’t get it off her though we tried for ten minutes. Tangmo has also been visiting more since receiving these treats. This afternoon he was sleeping in our driveway when I got home at 4.30.
The best thing about today was:
Sending some positive reinforcement messages to three of my students who I can see have been achieving a little more than usual. I hope it encourages them. I need and want to do this with some of the other students too. I need to look a bit closer at some of them, some of the quiet ones that go under the radar, give them some encouragement too. Though I sometimes get frustrated and angry with situations in my job I really love what I do.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Most of the 2/7 kids came to class late and unprepared and I gave them hell for it. But I wasn’t really angry, just loud and serious and though they were a bit shocked they made an effort and I made the class fun for them again.
What will you miss about November?
Erm… November is October is December….can you miss something about a made-up word to define a period of time? Was there supposed to be something special that happened in November that I miss? How can I miss it? I did it already. If it’s something I wish to do again, then I will. Should I apply a more artistic approach to the question? Or do I prefer to be this grumpy old man?

Those dry November days
Blistered by sunshine
Wrapped up at night

Foggy mornings descended
And the roadworks finally ended
Arriving early for coffee
And perhaps a fart to signal the start
Of fresh lambs to slaughter

I took this picture because this is an example of my students ‘in action’ today. This is Earn, a quiet girl with no enthusiasm for anything except her girlfriend. At least she’s not disruptive!

Big Tokes – 29th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Fucked up and thinking
All the crazy thoughts
Eyes half shut and drooping
Smashed out of sorts
Time stretched and twisted
An hour, a second, a day
Wake up next week
With nothing left to say
Your brain on drugs
The egg now over-fried
Paranoia and suspicion
Now set deep inside

I don’t want innovations which improve my shopping experience or make smartphones a tiny bit better. I want innovations which eliminate world hunger…innovations which help humans live in harmony with our ecosystem.

Caitlin Johnstone

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and high
Today I’m grateful for:
Matt giving me some kratom tea and then some weed tea at his place that had me fucked up and paranoid on the way home and when I got in I went straight to bed where I kinda fell in and out of dream state. I woke up an hour later groggy and still slightly bent. I’ve done nothing else but be lazy tonight. Weed really seems to be the best drug to keep people sedated.
The best thing about today was:
Having fun with my kids in class again. I think we got past the rocky start we had last week and I feel a little more confident again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Well, due to that unexpected high I wasn’t able to do things that I would normally want to do and I’m at peace with that decision. I felt out of control and the way to deal with it was just to slow everything down.
What are you curious about?
I’d like to say I’m curious about everything but that’s not really true. I’m probably less curious about many things now just out of laziness. There are things I don’t need to know. Actually, so much I don’t need to know. With modern technology, I wonder if my kids feel like this about everything. Just find out what you need to know when you need it. Maybe in the foreseeable future, this will be a benefit.

I took this picture because this is the first foggy morning of winter. Despite it being cooler in the morning we’ve needed the aircon on again at night and right now I’m sweating away with two fans before heading into the chilly bedroom.

Lost Diplomat – 28th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The art of politics, a war of words
No value holds except for action’s result
The game of life, power and influence
Made all the more difficult
By clowns with big wallets flashing
Of which the ignored must choose
Checks and balances, no winners
The plan is just not to lose

I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.

Hunter S Thompson

Today I’m feeling:
Fairly happy, minorly frustrated.
Today I’m grateful for:
The word search maker website that, with a small amount of prep, helped keep my kids occupied for half an hour or so. Once I realised that they could play online I let the kids keep their phones and off they went, relatively quiet and interested.
The best thing about today was:
Good caffeine hits at House in the morning, getting a bit more blogging out of the way and quickly preparing some work for one of the classes tomorrow.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
If it’s a school day these entries will probably revolve around class situations! Today I got tired of some students being over playful, mocking or disruptive in both my classes so I sent them out. I’ve contacted their homeroom teachers and advised them that this will be how I handle this in the future. I will talk with the students and make sure they understand too. I almost lost it at one point but managed to keep my annoyance in check, helped by the fact I was in a reasonably good mood.
When are you most at peace?
In the lucid dreaming stage of sleep. I love that feeling even if details are forgotten on waking the memory endures. Most other times I feel I am at war, so that even that becomes a sort of peace, in its numbing inevitability. I am at peace on a plane. I have ceded all control over my life, may as well relax.

I took this picture because suddenly the sun appeared after a small storm, just as it was setting. The last light, gone from me for another day.

Dig In – 27th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The roots have grown
The longer you stay
The harder it is to leave

Now time has shown
That along the way
You’ve found what you believe

The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.

Voltaire

Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and lazy
Today I’m grateful for:
The fisherman who caught the prawns I ate, somewhere far away. Shipped them to shore, then the factory workers who prepared them and packaged them and the drivers who delivered them.
The best thing about today was:
Enjoying ice cream and snacks after a weed gummy. It’s hard to stop eating!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I could tell Amy was getting a little irritable around lunch time so I just laughed and joked a little and not getting sucked into an argument over nothing. She quickly lightened up and everything was normal again. These situations can quickly go out of control when I don’t handle them well.
In what ways have you observed balance in nature or in the universe?
Looking at mountains, staring at the sea. I see balance in nature when there are no humans around and I become a ghost, an observer but only as a memory. Looking up at the stars and the moon, being grateful for this very specific role I have been given.

I took this picture because Jet made this nice drawing of me and my nice shirt! This picture is a throwback to a couple of weeks ago. No pictures again today!

The Tech Ghosts – 25th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The victim of these spectral slaves
Invited into our rooms
Ghosts of make-believe realities
On which this monster consumes
Mere cogs of a mega machine
Assimilated to technological production
With immediate planned obsolescence
And the means of its own destruction

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good, a little relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Fluke coming to assist me in recording my voiceover for the flower festival this year. She helped me with pronunciation of the Thai words and translating with the audio guy. She didn’t really need to come and help but I appreciate that she did.
The best thing about today was:
Being around the students for the open day. We were all happy that we weren’t in classes. I was super happy that some of them were even doing the work I asked them to do!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess this is connected with the comment above. I asked my students to do some work for me as we didn’t have classes. I realised pretty quickly that many of them wouldn’t bother doing the work and most of them weren’t around to be able to follow up with. There was no way I could control this situation and whilst I feel a little disrespected by the students who won’t do the work out of laziness or sheer bloody-mindedness I have to let it go. So I’m thinking now about how I can reward those students who did do the work.
Name 10 people you love.
Amy
Hayden
Jochen
Kieran
Chrissie
Sharon
Aaron B
Kimi
Steve
Mum

I took this picture because there are new monsters everywhere.