Grim-grey, red-crusted eyes shuck open A dim day where dirty sheets beckon to stay A vice-like grip holds firm the thoughts Let slip to stay trapped in false reports
Thick treacled repetition day by day Unequalled headache, a pacifier Deep inside, uncoughable gunk sits Wait and hide for uncontrollable fits
Thick wet air sinks from dark dead sky To hang there; infect pock-marked lungs Ventilate oxygen relief, breathe deep to keep Concentrate belief to dream continued sleep
Written about my struggles with the remnants of a recent second infection of Covid 19.
Tired after all the running around yesterday. Woke up to mountain-less white skies as the smoke descends.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s student turning up for her online class today at 1 pm forcing me out into my room where I played guitar for the first time this week. It’s been so hot that I just haven’t bothered going out there even though the air con cools things down fairly quickly.
I caught up on a few other things while I was out there too, so it’s been a reasonably productive day.
The best thing about today was:
Writing an excellent poem for the first contest that I ever chose to enter on the AllPoetry site only to find that in between the time that I started writing and finishing half an hour later, the contest had closed! I laughed at my bad luck but smiled at the quality of my work.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
(See above)
Something I learned today?
An undercover reporter has an alleged CIA agent admitting that they withheld information from President Trump that China shared all its data about the Covid outbreak in Wuhan. So whilst Trump was busy blaming China for withholding that info it was, in fact, his own government.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I do this every day at Utopia or House, and sometimes at other cafes and restaurants, but I always take back my finished cups to the counter to save the staff a few seconds having to clean up after me.
Who do I want to spend more time with this month?
This one is easy.
My students! I miss them a lot, their energy, excitement, drama, learning gives me inspiration.
I took this picture because these two little flowers had suddenly appeared on our cactus. They had closed up again by evening time.
Lives filled with mediocrity There’s a half-hearted yes Missed golden opportunities Because mediocre is no stress Anything that needs doing Must be done all the way And if it doesn’t feel right Then saying no is ok
Today I’m feeling:
There’s tension building in my body. Had no real problem getting up at 6.30 this morning as I prepare for battle. Slowly I will build up the discipline to fight the days again.
Today I’m grateful for:
A video call from a chatty Amy this morning as I was sipping coffee at Utopia. Amy looked cute and cuddly and I really enjoyed her enthusiasm for life. I miss her being here a lot. I’m quite happy by myself but sometimes I need her to pick me up.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing the Michael Parkinson biography and the Netflix TV series Money Heist. I enjoy the feeling of finishing something knowing that I can move on to something new. Tomorrow it will be getting back into the swing of working again and starting that whole schedule again. I already have the next book lined up, Sapiens but not sure what TV I might get into. I might not for a while as I enjoy reading more.
I also got the music playing all day again in the kitchen, something which I hadn’t been doing since Kim left at the start of this holiday. This holiday hasn’t been very enjoyable at all unfortunately though perhaps it was fortunate that Kim didn’t go in the middle of the semester. I wonder if I would’ve handled it better or not?
Soon Amy will be back here and we will change all our room arrangements again. I’ll accommodate what she needs to feel comfortable again and also enjoy the changes.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I talked to Amy this morning she asked if I had talked to anyone about getting the aircon fixed yet and I told her that I would go to the shop tomorrow and talk with them as it would be easier than on the phone. (Strangely it seemed to be working ok again last night though not quite 100%) About ten minutes later she called me back and said that she’d talked to her mum and that her mum had someone who could come and fix it for cheaper. Cool beans. I asked if that would be today and she said probably not. That was ok, whenever. Another ten minutes later she called again and said the guy wouldn’t be able to come for another two weeks so better if I just go to the shop! If you sit and wait long enough in Thailand everything twists and turns until it just ends up as it was. No stress (anymore!). I’m pretty sure that when I go to the shop they won’t be able to come quickly either as everyone’s aircon will be breaking at this time to overuse.
Something I learned today?
I saw that protesters in the UK were arrested without having committed a crime. This was due to it being King Charles’s coronation on Saturday. I think the same would happen in Thailand too.
How have I been holding myself back?
I’ve been holding myself back somewhat due to Amy not being here. As I’m here taking care of the cats I haven’t been able to go to places that I might’ve liked to, like Malaysia, again. It’s the situation holding me back as opposed to any internal thought processes keeping me down. I make the best of the situation as it is. Having said that, if I felt strongly enough I could have arranged for the cats to be taken care of and gone off for a time too.
I’ve been thinking about how much the pandemic fucked up things. I’d only been in Thailand a short while really and was still finding my feet. I was excited to go on tour around South East Asia now that I was living here, establish contacts to repeat the process every year and then it all got cancelled and with Kimi’s passing around the start of the pandemic it really took the wind out of my sails. I don’t feel like I can get the enthusiasm back up to go through the organising process again and I feel out of the loop with what’s going on around the region. Maybe a suitable opportunity will come up that will kick me into action again though I’m not particularly looking for it right now.
I took this picture because I saw a million insects on one of the stems of this plant and when I touched it they all flew off and into a flying formation where they looked static. This is my attempt to photograph them though, of course, it didn’t work but I like the resulting picture anyway.
Am I sitting down yet? Are my feet touching the floor? No recognition of reality Is it worth existing anymore Am I breathing air? Is blood pumping through my veins? No recognition of a life itself No usefulness remains
*inspired by a story from Seneca
You determine the quality of your mind by the nature of your daily thoughts.
Robert Greene, Daily Laws
Today I’m feeling: Happy but a little on edge Today I’m grateful for: Our air fryer which nicely cooked the Hainan ginger fake chicken I ate for dinner with rice and cucumber (to counter the hot chilli sauce dressing). Amy has made me 3 servings to freeze for when she has gone too. I suppose I could learn to use the fryer too but I just don’t bother cooking by myself. The best thing about today was: Undoubtedly, both my classes which I took a very relaxed attitude towards whilst still having the kids semi-engaged with activities. Even the kids that get annoyed with me did some work and seemed to enjoy what we were doing. Some days I love them all. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow should be too. One class making Christmas cards and another two just doing online quizzes and then it’s the weekend again (finally – last night I thought it would be Friday today until I realised it wouldn’t and felt the energy drain out of me!) What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Amy is grumpy today, maybe PMT, so I’m trying to not bite at her and let it pass. I’m not always successful and she got angry when I misheard her about something and reacted badly. I let it blow over and apologised for misunderstanding and just tried to carry on as if nothing happened. I don’t think we’ll have good communication for the rest of the night, so let it lie and wake up tomorrow to a brand new sunny day, or at least we get to start again. Something I learned today? Hayden has Covid again. Hopefully, it’s not as bad as the first time and he recovers soon. I messaged Ellen too, who I haven’t been in contact with for about six months and since China relaxed their lockdown policy a couple of weeks ago, she and many of her clients got Covid too. I think China’s tough covid policy was the best way to deal with it and hopefully, now the virus is weaker there will be fewer deaths from infections. It’s amazing to me that other countries didn’t take it as seriously. What tattoo do you want and where would you put it? The next tattoo I get will be some Cardiacs lyrics on my right calf. I also want to get a Boognish tattoo but not quite sure where yet. Still thinking about the weird Trumans Water Spasm Smash cover too.
I took this picture because there’s spiders living in the trees!
OK, let’s stay calm, the doctors will know best Can you go home and get yourself plenty of rest? Or perhaps you’d like to stay in a lovely hospital bed Very cheap with your insurance, that’s what the nurses said I decided I’d die at home surrounded by my cats Didn’t die in the end – no thanks to those stupid bats!
We may fancy that there might be a better universe, but we cannot conceive of a better, because our minds are the outcome of things as they are, and all our ideas of value are based upon the lessons we learn in this world.
In a tent, surrounded by nurses The sick and the fainting Sweaty palms and sweaty necks Infected double-masked painting Every hour numbers multiplying As the heat keeps turning up Medicine and food declare the end Holding onto the winner’s cup
Many people are so worried about looking good that they never do anything great. Many people are so worried about doing something great that they never do anything at all.
First, we must come to believe that we have the capacity to raise ourselves up. Second, we must develop a solid work ethic to back this up. If we are rigorous and persistent, we will be able to overcome almost any obstacle and elevate our position. People who are lazy and undisciplined are much more prone to feeling envy.
You’re never going to get to the end But the end will find its way to you No matter how hard you try to cross the list Find satisfaction in whatever you do
I wish I’d thought more about how it is to live.
Cecelia, Through A Glass Darkly by Jostein Gaarder
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Dylan for giving Amy and me some homemade Baileys for Christmas. It reminded me to give him the shirts that no longer fit me in return.
Yesterday, Champ told me that students will be in school full-time again next week. This made me revise my plans for my classes and last night I posted a short video asking my students to ask me anything and in this morning’s class, I got the students to make and send a video question, which was a welcome break for them and they enjoyed messing around with video filters.
It also, unsurprisingly to me, highlighted a lot of the students’ deficiencies when it comes to thinking and speaking! But that’s ok, I think I will incorporate more work like this to be included on the school’s English Program page.
I’m also looking forward to having the students back here full-time again, as switching between at-school and at-home study week by week is challenging for me and even more so for the kids. I don’t know how long they will keep kids in school, though. If another wave of Covid comes, which it surely will, everything may change again.
I don’t want to wish time away but I am looking forward to a proper holiday, proper as in not working – no plans to go anywhere, without thinking about school.
This afternoon, I will drop by Bruno’s and go for a quick hike somewhere close by. Need to work off some of the pizza and beer weight I put on this week. Doing 30 sit-ups twice a day now. Need to be careful with my back, though; my abs are still not strong enough.
Some revel in comforts Others itch for change Nest has been made Now time to rearrange
Build a dream castle Atop a mountain high Next a beach paradise Under this big sky
Settle down right here The sun shining bright Nothing lasts forever Thus day turns into night
Weight: 77.7kg Resting heart rate: 48
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have had my 2nd vaccine yesterday and didn’t have any side effects. Hopefully, it protects me well from Covid.
The beautiful cat is not here today. Probably for the best! Amy was happy to have finished the last couple of days’ baking work though she still has one more tray to do today. I think she is secretly pleased with the results of her work and is half decided on whether to pursue this further. She is equally happy to just do baking for pleasure and when she wants, rather than putting pressure on herself.
I had my second Pfizer shot yesterday with no real side effects that I could tell, except for feeling really good! I maybe a little achey but it’s hard to tell if that is just my normal state these days. Lower back and neck are always like this anyway,
No more classes now and I guess we start grading next week. Pretty easy and I’m able to fill my time, whilst having no work to do, with plenty of reading.
If the weather is ok on the weekend I may go for a ride into the mountains, though as I write this I’m thinking I should wait a bit until the ground dries out.
Are you curious about the world Or is everything in its place? Is every piece already set in stone The winner chosen for every race?
Do you see what’s under your nose? The dusty corners of darkened rooms Comings and goings of all earthly creatures The life and death that one presumes
When eyes open to let the light in The world becomes majestic and grand Life fills suddenly with meaning And understanding begins to expand
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the folks who will service our car today. I hope they do a good job and are in good health and don’t catch Covid.
At Amy’s parents’ for lunch. It’s Mother’s Day this week, so it’s a family get-together. Amy said to teach up in the new room they built above the garage, and I thought, ‘why not?’, so I’m lying on their comfortable brand new sofa trying to stay awake before my class starts.
Today, George blanked me in the morning when I said hello and then again when I said goodbye at lunchtime. This annoyed me a little until I told myself to calm down and that I can’t control his actions, only my own. I let it go and feel much better.
I’m happy to have no more online classes after school and have that free time back again. It’s a great feeling, and I still wish I had all day, every day, free! Still, it’s not so bad. I’m really enjoying teaching at the moment, and it looks like it will be for the whole semester. The students and I are pretty locked in now.
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