I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you? – 9th January 2020

January 9, 2020March 7, 2024 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am a masochist. I am completing a test.

I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.

But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).

I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.

Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.

I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.

Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?

If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.

I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.

Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.

But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.

I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.

Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.

I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).

Now I find myself with similar feelings.

I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.

I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.

Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.

A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.

Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.

Can you tell me
What it is?
Does it hurt you
When I do this?

I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too
I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?

Can you tell me?
‘Cause I don’t know
Why don’t you tell me
Why is it so
Confusing?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.

I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.

It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.

When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.

From commonplace book

From quiet homes and first beginning
Out of the undiscovered ends
There’s nothing worth the wear of winning
Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe

To-do list

Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later

Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.

I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.

I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.

I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.

I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.

Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.

If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.

Gob On You (Shenzhen) – 28th April 2001

April 28, 2001August 15, 2021 ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Surviving on my wits! Finally got some money! Otherwise was in trouble! Forgot my PIN number for my card – idiot. Luckily Bank of China let me withdraw over the counter – feel much better now. Met a nice lady on the train who looked after me and got me on a bus close to my hostel. Vivian came to meet me in her lunch hour. She will be very busy so not sure will see much of her. Not sure whether to stay in SZ or go to Beijing early to meet Yuan Yuan – call her later. SZ is better than GZ and where I’m staying is well developed. Food is good – seems reasonably priced and I found coffee – thank god! China has a strange smell – kinda cross between soy and dirt and old incense – and that is when it doesn’t stink like shit – if China wants to attract more foreigners it should figure out what the hell that smell is – could be raw sewerage…. There’s people everywhere of course – and girls – beautiful girls – everywhere! Slept a lot so far. It’s about 30 degrees here. Too hot. But will venture into the city later, it looked very trendy.

5th August 2021 – I’m enjoying looking on Maps to try and remember more about Shenzhen. I can see there are lots of interesting places around the area I was staying now. This is around Shennan Avenue. This highway was relatively new at the time and a lot of landscaping was being completed. There were a few high rises but not as many as I can see now. Although I didn’t go and look, it felt like the development hadn’t gone out much further yet but I can see that has all changed.

The nice lady (and her friends) on the train worked for Amway, which I found surprising. I knew of Amway when I lived in the UK but never came across it in Australia and yet here they were in China. I felt a bit guarded that she might try to sell me stuff but she didn’t and she kindly got me from the train station to the bus station (right next door I think) and explained to the driver where I was trying to get to.

I knew only a little about Shenzhen at the time. I’d heard it was developing quickly from its original farmland and that it was next to the Hong Kong border. In fact, at that time there were so few skyscrapers that it was obvious that those I could see in the distance were in Hong Kong. It’s only looking on the map now I realise how close to the sea I was. There was definitely no salty sea breeze going around. I can also see that there is a metro or train line now, where a bus was the only option before. There was also not many cars on the roads.

Vivian was a smart young lady around my age but it soon became apparent to me that she was looking for a husband and a way to progress her life outside China. This would become a common theme amongst almost every female who approached me on this trip. Looking back, I think I jumped to many conclusions at the time without understanding much about the nuances.

Anyway, Vivian was nice, kind and helpful and we went sightseeing together a few times over the next few days even though, as I mention, I was already thinking about getting up to Beijing more quickly.

I compare Shenzhen with Guangzhou but I really only got a superficial look at both places. I think it was just that there were fewer people in Shenzhen and as everything was newly built it seemed a lot cleaner and modern.

I was staying in a hostel which was pretty big, maybe 6 or 8 floors and many rooms per floor. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting from a hostel and I found that many people were migrant workers and students living there semi-permanently. I was in a small room of eight that was pretty much 4 bunk beds in one room and a shower/toilet in another. This was also my first time coming across squat toilets which was a real test of my skinny thighs.

Luggage was just kept on the floor or your own bunk. Despite the room being fully occupied I barely saw anyone else whilst I was there. There was an older Portuguese guy on the bottom of my bunk and he was making connections for production, import and export of furniture. I made friends in the evening with a happy-go-lucky Chinese student who took me to the restaurants next door where he helped me find food for my pescatarian diet. This involved some finger-sized fish that I would spend ages trying to take the bones out of before realising that it was easier just to crunch them up and swallow them! I was on a steep learning curve but revelling in it.

It was stupidly hot and humid for me, not like the dry heat I had grown accustomed to in Australia. This necessitated finding beer which was a successful endeavour with one caveat. Despite beer being ridiculously cheap and available, it was almost never cold! On that first night returning to the hostel I asked if there was a fridge anywhere but I was out of luck. Seeing my disappointment (and disgust at having to drink warm beer – oh, how I have changed since leaving England!) they quickly offered a solution. Grabbing a set of keys they took me to the Coke vending machine, opened it up and stored my beers inside. Anytime I wanted one I just had to come and ask them to open the machine. I found this delightful and caring, though I think they weren’t quite prepared on how fast I would drink and keep asking them to open the machine up for me. The beers weren’t strong and due to the humidity, it was easy to drink quickly. This also required navigating toilets more often than I would have liked too but that problem becomes less a stress the more you drink anyway.

The coffee I found was probably just the 3-in-1 sachets but at least it was caffeine. The struggle to find coffee when travelling was real then!

New countries have new smells, as I had discovered on arrival in Australia. The smell in China may just have been people, the close proximity of everyone, their flasks of tea….I don’t know. The stink of shit was probably the reality – at a point where it wasn’t a stench that made you gag but like the sweet aroma of your own farts. Though sometimes it could veer dangerously close to inducing vomiting. Anyone Chinese person I mentioned this to had no idea what I was talking about. Not only for them was it the normal smell of fresh air but I later learned through experiences with durian and stinky tofu that many did not view smells as either good or bad, but that the smell was just the smell. This realisation was quite dramatic and made me understand, or at least view, things a little differently.

The girls, the pretty girls….well I have no particular memories about girls in Shenzhen and I’m sure there were far more plain, ordinary girls around that I did not pay particular attention to. But, there was one afternoon when I was walking to get some food along the completely quiet pavement next to the highway and a beautiful girl in a tight black dress was approaching from the opposite direction. She didn’t notice me at all and as she was about 20 feet away she hocked up a huge gob of spit and deposited it on the sidewalk. My first real spitting experience shattered illusions.