Did you plan for this deflated feeling? Post-orgasm jism dripping from the ceiling In the cold light of day lies the rub Impatiently waiting for the next rub and tug
Dopamine rushes are in high demand Sex supply is in the dollars command Is it really just money you’re spending As you chase after another happy ending?
Culture is a perversion. It fetishes objects, creates consumer mania, it preaches endless forms of false happiness, endless forms of false understanding in the form of squirrelly religions and silly cults. It invites people to dimish themselves and dehumanise themselves by behaving like machines.
Terrance McKenna
Today I’m feeling: Happy and contented. Today I’m grateful for: Not having anything specific to do at school so I could just hang out with the kids for a while and we could communicate as best we could in English, Thai and with translation. I could also get to 22 Grams for my favourite coffee, sit and read, write and prepare some lessons for next semester. Everyone was in a good state of mind. The best thing about today was: Was just the sheer enjoyment of being around my students and hearing them play and having fun with each other and then with me. Everywhere I go students wave and beckon me over and want to try and chat about something. It really gives me great pleasure to be a minor part of their lives. I can remember a time in the past talking to my friends about becoming a barista or even a teacher and they all thought that I would be a great teacher. I’m trying and I’m enjoying trying.
I took this picture because…actually, my student Anchan insisted on taking some selfies using my phone and this is one of the results. Feije, Jet, Anchan and me. There was good energy today.
Let’s be straight and say what we mean Because saving your face doesn’t keep it clean Words that please can be heard as lies To misunderstanding they give rise
Are you really so delicate you can’t hear The truth when spoken loud and clear We’re going backwards, why not advance Here’s the real world, given a chance
I am so happy and grateful to be kept busy by my students. It is a difficult task to motivate them when teaching online so I spend a lot of extra time chasing them up.
Kim Chi is here in my room, and as she has stolen my chair, I have time to sit here on the floor and write this. I don’t want to push her off as she is very happy and relaxed with her paws over her eyes to block out the light.
I am home today, after arriving at school, out for a quick delicious coffee, back to start my lesson, only for Dylan to come and see me and when I saw he was wearing his backpack I asked him where he was going and he said ‘have you heard that there’s no classes today?’ Responding in the negative, he said that the Thai teachers were all going off for their second dose of vaccines and cancelled all classes – without telling us! So typical and annoying.
When I called our coordinator, he just said, ‘Oh, I thought you knew!’ How the fuck were we supposed to know!?
In the past, I would’ve gotten really wound up by this bad communication – especially as I’m always well-organised and have lessons planned around a regular schedule. Today, though, it’s just, oh well, at least I can go home and relax.
First, I went with Dylan to his girlfriend’s cafe, Tongsiam and had a coffee and chat there. His girlfriend, Wa, is a nice, level-headed girl, just out of Uni and looking for a more rewarding job.
Two coffees later (another delicious one at Utopia), and I got home for lunch – much to Amy’s surprise. And now, I’m relaxing in my room – after a quick go at the grass with the cutter, until it ran out of petrol. I feel compelled to get it back into proper working order again and make a little more effort in the garden, which is totally out of control at the moment due to constant rain this year.
I’m finding it a little difficult to love it here at the moment, but I must remember that I will be here for another 5-10 years at least, as I will stay here for our cats. I guess it’s all the frustration of not being able to go anywhere at the moment, too, and the Covid situation getting worse in Thailand. It’s hard to see an end to it or even the much-touted ‘new normal. ‘
Still, it’s my mind that needs to get in order – the world is going to carry on.
I’m sorry to say, it’s your fault It’s all the stupid things I see Sarcasm is the default result You bring out the English in me
“That’s just great, that’s amazing!” While I wonder what the fuck you’re doing What I mean and say are not the same thing Over the horizon, trouble is brewing
It’s a culture clash, war with words I see things I should never see Slower than thirty-three and a thirds You bring out the English in me
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to work from home today. Finally, someone at the school made the right decision for teachers to work from home due to the Covid case at school. It is the sensible decision!
Well, the students came back to school last Monday on a treacherous day of torrential rain, and it was good to see them all again. By Friday, the school was closed again due to a case of Covid that the school knew about on that first day but kept to themselves in the hope that it wouldn’t be a big deal. So typical of the Thai style. It’s very frustrating.
On Monday, Nancy was also constantly hassling me to cash her cheque and transfer her money. I was unable to get to a bank, but Amy offered to transfer it if I put some money into her account. I transferred from my account without realising it took me below the threshold needed for my visa application, which was summarily rejected on Tuesday! Now, I have to change to a 60-day visitor visa and re-apply again. I was so annoyed that it became funny.
Thailand has not endeared itself to me this week. I started wondering about leaving. We are only made to feel welcome here if we spend money. We will never be accepted as equals – sometimes it feels like a punishment for the luck of being born in a ‘better’ society. Revenge jealousy.
Anyway, I can play with my cats and the dog from next door. I still have books to read. Fuck frustration!
Finish ab workout and yoga stretching – feels good, a little tired – less than seven hours sleep – dump thoughts and meditate. What thoughts now? With pain in hand thoughts are difficult – when trying to meditate thoughts come easy. Sat by the river with George yesterday – not much time tho but was pleasant, talked about how different countries have different cultures. When it comes to community, family and sharing things. I mostly recall the sunlight on the river. Anyway highlighted some of our differences in behaviour which we all have to accept and understand – sometimes forgive.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to our neighbour’s dog Tangmo who came to visit yesterday morning before I went to work. He was running around full of energy and ran away from Tigger. I tried to get him to follow me out so I could close the gate but he kept running back inside. It made me smile for the whole day.
Yes, today was pretty good too. Spent a good morning at House – drinking coffee, sketching and reading. I feel like I’m on top of many things at the moment.
The best thing about today was helping students with some difficult L and R tongue twisters – it was fun and they didn’t give up.
Started reading Sartre’s Age of Reason and also completed another sketch.
A long weekend with two extra days. Though I have been barely working at all this semester, at least this weekend promised not having to attend school and an opportunity to do whatever I wanted.
I had half an idea to get back into playing some video games again but only got around to it on the last day. It was fun but unfulfilling, possibly the spectre of disappointment raised by having to relearn how to play a game again, that I was halfway through and not played for 18 months. I wonder when I’ll give it another go? I wonder if my old Nintendo DS still works after all these years?
On Sunday, the skies were cloudy but the rain had been holding off. It is gonna rain again, right? That can’t be it for rainy season already? Last year it didn’t seem to rain so much and it lead to drought in many parts of the country. We’ve had some big rains and the ground is getting saturated but there’s been nothing really approaching flooding.
Anyway, Amy and I took the opportunity for a quick drive down to Phayao. Amy had an idea to pick up some English muffins and jam from a local farm run by an Aussie and his Thai wife. Well, we didn’t really need much reason. It’s nice to have a break from the regularity of school and home and we haven’t been out much due to the pandemic situation, which, despite having limited impact here so far, is always something to be cautious of.
Amy’s old workmate, Jackie, had also managed to get himself out of Australia recently, having overstayed his visa by a few years already. Now, Jackie is a character, or perhaps even more accurately, a caricature. He can be difficult to talk to, difficult to listen to and difficult to understand. Having not seen him for 3 years or so it would be interesting to hear some of his stories from that elapsed time.
The drive was very pleasant and enjoyable, some fantastic mountain ranges on the right with fresh paddy fields across the plains of the valley. Everything one shade of green or another.
Soon we arrived and met up with Jackie at his friend’s fish restaurant on the lake, where I took the attached panorama. Jackie was exactly as we remembered though looking more like he was hitting his old age than before. He talked loudly and non-stop, mostly polite nonsense but always, always, about money, and he made us laugh with his absurd pronouncements. He paid for everyone’s lunch, despite having little money, insisting that this is the ‘Thai way’ and we will of course reciprocate if he ever comes to visit.
Next, we headed to a coffee shop, also next to the lake. Everything is next to the lake – it is the main feature of the sleepy little town. Jackie told us that the waters are lowering due to the Chinese damming rivers further upstream – a common issue amongst adjacent nations around the world these days. We waited at the cafe for the farmers to deliver our order to us, as they had decided to close the farm to visitors until next year due to the virus.
When they arrived I chatted with the Aussie and Amy chatted with his wife in Thai. Jackie was listening in as they explained about closing the farm and after a few minutes it was time for them to leave. Just as they turned to walk away, and well within earshot, Jackie turned to Amy and said in Thai, something along the lines of “Fucking stupid, why they close the farm, no virus now, fucking open, make money!” Amy shushed him (and told me this story later) and Amy and I discussed driving around the lake before heading home. Jackie said we should and he would leave us for ‘romantic time’. We laughed and then he instantly invited himself along too! He actually hasn’t been here in his hometown for about 20 years so the drive around was all new to him too.
Eventually, we dropped Jackie home and headed back along the highway, shaking our heads at the things Jackie had done and said in the short time we caught up with him. I concluded that we were being punished for something bad in our past lives. Meeting once every three years or so still might be too often.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for getting paid this weekend and being able to order in Lazada!
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
1994ever 