Tag: darkness

Step Into The Light – 21st September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 5 Comments
Image Credit: Danial Burka @ Unsplash

So tired of being in the dark and all alone

There’s still a mountain to climb
And will the promise there hold true?

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Submitted to WDYS #254 (above picture prompt). The title and first line is from Archers of Loaf’s ‘Step Into The Light’ and constitute the whole of its lyric! I haven’t added much more but it represents the dark headspace I’ve found myself in recently.

My reply to this post about sitting on the fence and UK politics

I could admire Thatcher as a woman dealing with a man’s world, but as a politician I despised her.

It’s impossible to say how things would have gone if she was never elected but I see the decline of the UK starting with her.

I appreciate that things were on the decline before that but this was visible during my lifetime and one of the reasons I was glad to leave the UK in the 90’s.

“Is it so wrong to sit on the fence?” – I constantly consider this, perhaps a reflection of my own Englishness. People who don’t sit on the fence seem to have more charisma and confidence but I find the world far more grey.

I also consider that I shouldn’t express an opinion if I am not fully aware of the facts.

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy and out of sorts. I was up early to get to my hospital appointment and forgot to even grab a coffee first.

As I was driving here, just over the bridge, there was a loose flock of sheep on the highway and one had been hit and killed, lying in the middle of the road.

There’s still garbage and drying mud everywhere at the sides of the roads and the vague fences that used to hold in animals are all flattened.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Not taking too long at the hospital this morning and getting back to enjoy a couple of coffees before lunch.

The ENT doctor didn’t seem too worried and just prescribed some more meds and told me to come back in two weeks’ time.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Childhood’s End and enjoying it a lot.

It got me in the mood to watch Interstellar tonight as my student Film kept raving about it. I enjoyed it too, but only really appreciated it in the last 20 minutes or so when some of the earlier parts of the movie started to make sense.

I think I will lend Film Childhood’s End to read. His English is pretty great and I think he can understand most of it and would enjoy it.

Something I learned today?

I know what my throat looks like now after having a tube camera stuck in my mouth. Apart from the mucus stuck inside, things in there look good and healthy.

Brisbane managed to get over Geelong today in a tough match, losing one of their players to injury too.

It bodes well for the Swans next week, except for a couple of things.

Today, Brisbane played at the MCG, where next week’s game will be played. They are also last year’s losing finalists, which gives them extra motivation.

Having said that, most of our team played in the losing final the year before that, so that motivation is there for us too.

Thinking about following sports is something that at least keeps me focused on the now. I understand the appeal to others of sports that I have no interest in.

The Silence – 31st May 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 30 Comments

The sadness is creeping
– Into my periphery
Until it overwhelms

Salty tears a-weeping
– All about is sucking me
Deep into darker realms

My old friend
– A bitter taste of blood
A dull aching head

Let’s not pretend
– That this is good
But sleep instead

Submitted to dVerse Quadrille #202 – Darkness and Poets and Storytellers United #129
24th Mar 2026 – shared with dVerse Quadrille – silence

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but kept running by knowing that it’s the end of the week.  Six hours of hot and humid teaching even with brief respites in the aircon have been completely draining.  

I’m home now and will make myself a salad soon.  

I took three of the magic mushroom pills that I got from Matt and can feel a sense of pleasure rising in me and will watch some comedy to wind down the evening.

Today I’m grateful for:

Kru Den, (I’m not sure if that’s her name actually) who lent me her Bluetooth speaker for my second class.  I gave her a frangipani flower in return.  I’d gotten it from a student earlier, who had put it behind my ear.

The best thing about today was:

Getting some good feedback on some of my recent poems.  I didn’t get a chance to write anything new today but whereas I used to be about a week behind in posting poetry I’m now a month ahead.  I’m enjoying writing and learning different forms and playing with it a little more.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I snuck up on Nong Fah and stuck a wet finger in her ear as she was lying down looking at her phone in a classroom. She went off in a huff and Jet said that she had PMS and had been moody all day (although she was fine in the morning when I saw her).

Knowing that it is best not to do anything more I played a bit with some other students but saw Fah dabbing her eyes with a tissue and looking really upset.  I watched her from a distance and wondered at the loss of emotional control that many females get once a month.  I can never really understand what that must feel like.

I caught her eye before I left for my own class and tried to express my sympathy with her.

Almost instantly on arriving at my own class, I could see that KanomBang was grumpy with me and her friends tried to explain that she too had PMS.  “That thing…..girls….once a month…”  I love it when the kids realise that they successfully communicated something in their second language.

Anyway, KB soon picked herself up a little bit and was ok.

It’s so weird to see the bewilderment on these kids’ faces when they go through this.  Like ‘Why the fuck am I feeling like this and can’t change it?’

After I got home I messaged a mini heart to Fah and said that I was sorry she was upset in the classroom.  She too, had recovered herself a little by then and was happy to chat a little.  I told her I was sorry I snuck a wet finger in her ear and she laughed and said she was sorry that she behaved the way she did, which I, of course, told her there was no need to apologise.

As an aside, interestingly my super smart grade 8 student Film questioned me in class why I treated boys and girls differently, something that he had picked up on perhaps when the ‘couple’ in the class were ‘fighting’ with each other.  I say ‘fighting’ because it is really just puppy love quarrel-play – nothing serious.

The kids listening were very interested when I replied that I treat girls differently because of the way I can see they are treated in Thai society and that boys are seen as superior and are spoiled more.  This got them talking a lot and whilst the girls agreed in general they said that their own families treated them like princesses.

It was an interesting idea to leave them with, to think and talk about.

Something I learned today?

I learned that Monday is a day off and on Wednesday students won’t come to school.  

Apparently, there will be a sports event at the stadium for about 10 days which is going to make traffic even worse in the mornings.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I gave Nicha a little pep talk when she was looking down this morning.

After I’d finished teaching I saw my old grade 9 students with Kru David and I checked in with a few of them who were struggling with his work.  Earn was all happy with herself because she told me that she had finished and, being a little suspicious, I asked if she had copied someone she shushed me and immediately admitted that she had.

I asked her what program she might do next year and she said the Chef program. I said that’s great and encouraged her to at least get what she could out of being in the English program this year.

As I was leaving I saw Aida sitting by herself and also looking down.  I actually didn’t recognise her at first as her head was tilted downwards with her hair covering her face.  Her friends said that she was upset and tired today and when I met her at lunchtime she was resting her head on the table but with a quick chat she said that she would be ok to do my work in the afternoon.

I was intent on leaving quickly but seeing her again I stopped and sat with her and also gave her a little pep talk. She didn’t say much until I asked her if everything was ok at home and she opened up that she was having some problems with her mum.  We didn’t get into it but I told her that she can talk to me at any time if she needs to.

I lost my membership card to the human race – 17th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.

I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.

I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.

Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.

I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.

I love you Kimi.

I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.

To-do list

  • Passwords for Amy ✅
  • Investigate emotional control ½
  • Be nice to people you don’t like
  • Go to gym after work
  • Look at G’s lesson plans ✅

I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.

I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.

Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.

I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.