Your emotions make you a monster – 20th February 2020

I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression

Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.

Daily Stoic Journal

To-do list

  • Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
  • Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
  • Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
  • Check stoicism units on FB ✅
  • Write a blog post

I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.

The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.

I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.

Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.

I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.

Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.

There are many paths dripping dark so dense – 24th May 2003

What is wrong with my body? Does my sick mind hurt my body too? I get sick a lot – I don’t know why. But this feels different – could just be some weird virus – hopefully nothing more. But what if….?

I feel dizzy or weird when I move my eyes or head and feel sensitive to noise sometimes. The thing is I don’t feel sick – not ill or anything – but it seems my body wants to shut down – I don’t feel like doing anything in particular – just resting or the things I normally do at home. I don’t have the energy to get out really. It’s been like this for about two weeks.

23 Apr 2022 – In 2009 or 2010 I got glandular fever which knocked me around for about 3 months and ever since then whenever I’ve had the symptoms described above, I always put it down to a reoccurrence or triggering of it again. As I was writing this in 2003, it seems like it must be something else that has been causing these symptoms which still bother me even now.

It may be connected with my sertraline medication, which I started taking in 1999 and still take now. I could try and get off it but it’s such a small dose one doctor suggested it may just be a placebo for me. Every time I’ve tried weaning myself from it though, after a while a situation would get me down so much that I would end up taking it again. It’s always worked so I’m a little reticent to stop taking it. I have very little stress in my life now though, so it could be worth thinking about again.

Sometime around 2000 or 2001, I went to an allergy specialist to see if it might an allergy issue but they didn’t find anything in particular, just a pretty general allergy to dust and which I doubted anyway. A highlight of going to this specialist though was the beautiful and friendly Burmese receptionist that worked there. At the end of the day, I would’ve preferred a resolution to my problem but I took what I could get and tried to make the best of the situation.

I often wonder about people that I’ve had brief connections with and what they ended up doing with their lives. These people were usually serving staff in favourite food shops. Mami at the coffee shop next to where I worked in Help Street, Chatswood. Emma, at my favourite Chinese takeaway (Shanghai Gourmet) in the Mandarin Centre, who taught me how to order my favourite dish in Chinese. That may even be Emma in the attached picture. Eun Bi at the Sushi shop. Mikiyo at another coffee shop. Sue from another coffee shop who I was close enough to to hang out with occasionally. After Sue went back to South Korea I became friends with Jenny too. I would meet these friendly people at least once or twice a week for many years in some cases and it certainly paid off to be nice to them as I would often end up with freebies and extras.

And then there was also Jenny, Peter, his wife Nancy and Nisha who all worked at the sandwich shop I would frequent whenever I could. I watched Jenny grow from a quiet 18 year old, unsure of her future to a business owner and now mother. She even asked me for advice about the guys who chatted her up in the shop, eventually asking for more advice about one in particular who she ended up happily marrying. After moving to Thailand she was the only one of my friends who called me to see how I was doing. I remain very grateful for her thoughtfulness and we still stay in touch.

Your turn to drive, I’ll bring the beer, it’s an easy shift, no one to fear- 21st December 1994

Today is so hot, skin is melting. The wind burns as it blows, it’s nearing fifty in the sun. It’s too hot to do anything!

Broni, unfortunately, is away in this heat travelling on the trains up to Gosford for a job interview, I don’t envy her as I swim for a couple of hours at the pool, bare feet burning on the tarmac on the walk home.

With most everything packed up already I sit and play cards or tidy up a little more. Broni gets back later and we go to pick up the rental truck which is like the hugest thing I’ve ever driven and it seems ok, I turn out the first corner and head up to the lights and can’t find the brake, the taxi cab in front gettting closer, looking shinier and newer the closer we get, inching forward in a slow free fall, like slow motion replay, brief flashes of the thousand dollar excess hit my brain as I reach for the handbrake, not in the customary, by the seat position but at the dashboard, I’m reaching, Broni’s screaming, we’ve only been in the truck two minutes arggghh, pull the handbrakes, our hearts are pounding, God knows how far the bullbars were away from the shiny boot of the red and white taxi but we made it and sat in the road as the lights changed and we watched it pull away. phew!

Into the hectic traffic we go, confidence not good, we’re headed up to C_ and P_’s in Hornsby to pick up a free washing machine but time is against us, stuck in this pre-Christmas rush hour jam we decide to head east where we’re due for Scott’s 30th birthday at his parents house which has just got the coolest view down to the river and the ocean way in the distance and bushland dark and red in the sunset.

It’s still 30 degrees as we sit on the verandah with a ton of Scott and Lynette’s friends drinking up beer and champagne (mineral water for me) and it’s nine at night, insects buzzing round. There’s talk of a southerly heading up the coast which would bring relief, someone had a call from the south saying they got it at 7 or so, so it should be hitting Sydney very soon. But the air is still and hot.

Out of nowhere the breeze comes, the temperature drops five degrees in as many minutes, it’s such an amazing change it has to be experienced, within a second all the plastic cups are being whipped around the table and after a little tidy up everyone’s out on the verandah letting the wind blow over them.

We have to leave soon after this to go up to Hornsby to pick up the washing machine before everyone’s asleep, we get there about ten thirty and set the dogs off next door, eventually getting this huge machine in the back of the truck and securing it, I didn’t think it was gonna move anywhere it was so heavy but was advised to tie it down.

Anyways, we have a cuppa and leave about midnight and get to the end of the street and stop to look at the map and then the police come over and want to know if we had anything to do with the dogs barking and cop number one is ok and cop number two is a sarcastic asshole and I think twice before giving him some shit cos it’s late and I’ve got better things to be doing than fucking about with some idiot meathead cop, man this guy really lived up to his stereotype.

Anyway, tongue bitten we head off home and straight into that bed for the last time.

*Records of the Year – 31st December 1985

1980:
Damned – Machine Gun Etiquette
Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables

1981:
Restricted Code – First Night On
Nine Below Zero – Three Times Enough
Dead Kennedy’s – Too Drunk To Fuck
Crass – Penis Envy

1982:
Black Flag – Damaged

1983:
Social Distortion – Mommy’s Little Monster
Minor Threat – Out Of Step

1984:
Husker Du – Diane
DOA – Bloodied But Unbowed
Anti-Sect – In Darkness There Is No Choice
Subhumans – Cradle To The Grave
Black Flag – My War
UK Decay – Werewolf
Cult Maniax – Cold Love
Black Flag – Slip It In
Black Flag – Family Man
Subhumans – Rats
Wasted Youth – Wild and Wandering

Phone Numbers:
Paul Chambers
Andy Anderson
Justin Butler
Simon Bradbury
Dave Brown
Alan (Josh and John)

*The Week That Was – 8th June 1981

Single of the week: 999 – Obsessed, Vice Squad – Resurrection EP

8th June 1981
Anarchy in the UK on John Walker’s show
JW taking JP’s place

9th June 1981
TOO DRUNK TO FUCK IS IN THE CHARTS AT 36

10th June 1981
Went to rounders
I am great

11th June 1981
A good day
Nothing happened though

12th June 1981
You’ll never believe this but I watched telly

13th June 1981
England 1 – Germany 2
Won 10, Lost 5

14th June 1981
BLOODY HOT

This week’s chart-topper is: Smokey Robinson – Being With You

*The Week That Was – 1st June 1981

Single of the week: The Associates – Q Quarters, Dead Kennedys – Too Drunk To Fuck

1st June 1981
Back at school
Boring I suppose

2nd June 1981
Bit stormy last night

3rd June 1981
I beat Shearlock up
NerNerNerNer <- I WON THE HEATS

4th June 1981
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy

5th June 1981
Sports Day
Won so far: Long, High, Triple Jump
About to win: 100, 200, Hurdles, Relay
Abandoned

6th June 1981
I won a quid
EXPLOITED BARMY ARMY
Jello is no joke

7th June 1981
EXPLOITED BARMY ARMY -> DON’T FUCKIN’ MESS

This week’s chart-topper is: Adam and the Pants – Stand and Deliver

*The Week That Was – 25th May 1981

Single of the week: Jam – Funeral Pyre, Siouxsie and the Banshees – Spellbound, Squeeze – Is That Love?

25th May 1981
STILL QUITE ILL
The Exploited are #20

26th May 1981
THE EXPLOITED
I got Punk’s Not Dead and Splodgenessabounds

27th May 1981
PUNKS NOT DEAD
Euro Cup
Liverpool 1 – Real Madrid 0

28th May 1981
John Peel’s gone mad after yesterday
TOO DRUNK TO FUCK

29th May 1981
I can’t remember
May 1st

must’ve been June 1st

30th May 1981
Wales 0 – USSR 0
Switzerland 2 – England 1

31st May 1981
Cut the dog
God-dog

This week’s chart-topper is: Adam and the Ants – Stand and Deliver
ROTM: Killing Joke – Follow The Leader, Vice Squad – Young Blood, Dangerous Girls – Man in the Glass

Singles of the Year – 31st December 1980

Dead Kennedys – Holiday in Cambodia
The Fall – How I Wrote ‘Elastic Man’

17th July 2021 – Holiday in Cambodia still sends chills down my spine. I would have first heard this on John Peel’s radio show I’m sure, as well as all the Fall singles. I listen to the Fall quite regularly still (still discovering parts of their huge back catalog), more so than the DK’s.

I’d scour the NME and Sounds ‘indie’ charts and marvel at all the weird names of bands and song titles, curious about everything. The genre ‘punk’ still encompassed so many different sounds around this time and even crappy little bands from places like Nowhere, Cornwall could sell 10,000 or more copies of their DIY 7″. I feel lucky to have been at just the right age to get caught up in it all.

At the time I wished I was older and could have gotten caught in the first punk wave but in retrospect that explosion seemed to alienate many after a year or two and it’s legacy, whilst worthy, perhaps wouldn’t have inspired such a life long dedication to these oddball sounds that I still hanker to find in new bands today.