Tag: death

Post Epilogue – 21st September 2025

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 24 Comments

I’m sending you all a letter
You’ll receive it when I have gone
It may not be anything much
But may mean something to someone

But the meaning it will contain
Multiplied by my own demise
Even if only for a time
There’s not much left to give surprise

This is a reference to scheduling posts far in the future that will be delivered after I die. This could be one. Who knows?
26th Sep 2025 – Shared with dVerse OLN as not many eyes made it to this one.

Fill This Space – 10th August 2025

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

The hole in this room is getting bigger
as your withering whittles away at you;

The hole in our hearts gets bigger
as you shed your final skins;

The hole fills with yet more space,
even the perfumes are blown away with the wind;

The hole may be all that’s left to hold on to
after the burying of bones;

There’s a hole in our memories
where none had ever been needed;

The hole keeps growing to fill the space
until it is born anew.

Watching the end of lives can be crushing.

A Suitcase Of Memories – 13th August 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 14 Comments

Now my head is empty
Were the memories even mine?
I want to go back…
The comfort ahead is too appealing

I want to go back
I desperately want another go
Damn this one-way track
Damn the compelling glow

The first time I heard the seagull’s sigh…

Submitted to No Theme Thursday (and the attached picture)

Today I’m feeling:

Super tired as I definitely didn’t catch up on any missed sleep from Sunday night.  Never mind. I’ll have to try tonight.

I was looking forward to sitting down with some coffee and free time when my grade 9 students called me and asked to move their class from the afternoon to this morning again.

As this kinda suits me too, leaving the afternoon free, I rushed back and we went in search of a free room, ending up in the library.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Kratae for helping out Anchan as much as she can. It may not be much and it may not be enough for Anchan but Kratae is offering some hope at least. I will have to think of something that I can do for her as thanks one day. And I will ask Anchan for suggestions and if she can contribute in some way too.

The best thing about today was:

I felt my health improve a little over the day, especially mentally. Somehow, being at school is picking me up mentally, whilst seemingly running me down physically.

I was particularly energised after my grade 8 class finished at 12.30 but I didn’t leave school for another 45 minutes as various groups of students came to distract me, wanting to chat.

Something I learned today?

After much hassling from my students, I installed Instagram and TikTok and have been trying to work out how they work and if they are even remotely useful for me. 

I still don’t quite get them or how they work. At the end of the day, I just want to use this software to stay in contact with my students in the future.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

As I was contemplating being able to finish early and go home, Anchan messaged me asking to go with her to Nong Kratae’s for the first time today this afternoon.

I guess as I wasn’t due to finish until 4.30 pm anyway, then it’s not a big deal and I’m hanging around at House catching up on reading and writing.  Trying to get my brain back into poem-writing mode after a few days away from writing.

Tonkhaw took this picture because….he was happy to see his teacher hard at work, perhaps?

See Me Dead – 3rd August 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

I want to see the grief expressed
Hear the kind words manifest
Let me celebrate the life I led
To become immortal now I’m dead

You don’t need to shed those tears
I got to enjoy so many years
But being gone is a long, long time
Don’t forget me and what was mine

What wishes made, to have been said
Or ones wished retracted instead
Look on my legacy for what it’s worth
You’ll too join me soon, returned to earth

You and me, will all be forgot
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s your lot!

Inspired by reading others’ poems about grief at dVerse this week and the idea of wanting to know how others feel about you once you are gone, much like my teenage student, who, after attempting suicide, said that she wanted to see her mother’s reaction once she was gone!

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and a little sick with a sore throat. I slept for almost twelve hours and crawled back in again at around 11 am, after a couple of coffees.

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy told me that she was talking to a village auntie (the cowman’s wife) over the fence this morning and asked if I was teaching at CRPAO. Amy said yes and the auntie said that her son is in grade 8 and that even though I don’t teach him, she has heard that I’m a good and kind teacher.

That was nice to hear.

The best thing about today was:

Eating some nice food at Bruno and Nut’s place this evening. Even though I was feeling a little tired and sick, I enjoyed eating, talking and listening with them.

Something I learned today?

I watched an interesting video about a new DAW in development called Blockhead. Even though I don’t even use the DAWs that I have, I would still be interested in the idea of playing with them one day.

Cursed – 3rd July 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Incarnated into another low form
Cursed again to never feel a real peace
It’s too late now to wish I’d not been born
The struggle to survive will never cease
Next life, please guide me away from the storm
Let me take a turn at a life of ease
Shed this skin before an exchange of breath
A return to life in exchange for death

An Ottavo Rima poem on reincarnation, submitted to FOWC with Fandango — Cursed and Three Things Challenge #M742 – death, wish, peace

Today I’m feeling:

A little tired but happy.  I skipped exercise this morning as I was dead asleep from perhaps 10.30 until my alarm at 6 am. 

My body is definitely feeling the effects of that exercise yesterday morning, so I’m ok to skip today and try it again tomorrow.  It’s a kinda good tired feeling.

Today I’m grateful for:

Mee’s mum getting out of the hospital last night.  I had just randomly messaged Mee to see how she was, and she said that her mum had been suddenly rushed to the hospital.  

Happily, everything was ok.  I didn’t ask anymore about it. 

My guess is that it wasn’t as serious as Mee was making out, but I also know how important it is for her to have her mum back in her everyday life.

The best thing about today was:

Nong Praew told me that she has three dads.  Her dad, her mum and me!  That was nice to hear.  I know she struggles in my class, not just with what I’m teaching but also socially.

I don’t know how much of an effect her medicine has on her, but she can be a little hyper happy sometimes, though she knows who to show it to and who not to show it to.  I can understand why some students are put off by her, but as an adult, I can feel empathy for her.

She told me that she might move to Chiang Mai at some point because she is not happy at this school.  I’m not sure how much that will help her in the long run.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My most annoying student really pissed me off today as he pulled down his best friends pants whilst he had his hands full, in front of the whole class.  I asked him to leave and have since been talking to his homeroom teacher about what to do with him this time.

No previous warnings or punishments have had any effect and I believe they won’t have this time either.  I will see if I can switch from teaching his class because I’ve had enough of having to deal with him.

Something I learned today?

“Do you want some tea?” Is the new kids code word “Do you want some gossip”.  I found out this morning from JubJib that the gossip is that a group of grade 9 students from my old class are bullying Yurin in various ways.  I think I wrote here a few days ago about it.

Whilst Yurin is unlikely to be blameless in whatever is going on, the others shouldn’t be ganging up on her either.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

Kru NumNim was away from the grade 8 class this morning so I sat in and encouraged them to do their work which was a little tough as kids played and slept instead.  

By the end of the class, about 80% of the students had at least put something together.

This morning Nong Praew gave me some rice crackers as a gift for which I thanked her.  A few minutes later I met Lin and she looked very sad and thoughtful.  

She couldn’t or wouldn’t explain what was wrong, so I just patted her back and handed over the rice crackers for comfort.  I also sent her a message later on.

Two Silver Obols – 6th June 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 18 Comments

Haunted by the diminished
Sapped of all resolve
A painting left unfinished
Starting to peel and dissolve

Find the strength, one last push
A viral life-infected
Hope unseen in the burning bush
Smouldering and neglected

A final thought to deliver
No more liaisons, just goodbyes
Taken back unto the river
With pennies placed on the eyes

Submitted to Writer’s Workshop Prompts – strength and Shay’s Word Garden – haunted, neglected, liaisons, pennies

Today I’m feeling:

Up early again and feeling a little brighter and more positive after yesterday’s relative successes.

My first class went well as they had been suitably chastised by their homeroom teacher so they were quietly obedient for the first 30 minutes or so. As they got more comfortable though they soon fell back into their playful selves. At least I was a little more relaxed about it this time.

After that, my grade 12’s were a breeze and they surprised me a little with their capabilities. I’m guiding them slowly through IELTS speaking practice and whilst their speaking skills aren’t in place yet, I’m happy to see that their thinking skills are. Much as I am with Thai, they can understand more than they can speak, so I will let them build on this slowly.

I ducked out to House and managed to pen a couple of poems that I’m proud of and I think that my skills in this regard are improving too, so that was a good break for me – though not long enough!

Back into it for the last class of the day, which is always a struggle. I made sure the kids knew that I wasn’t messing around and when they finally got in line, they listened, helped each other and were able to finish. I rewarded them by letting them go early.

At home, things are quiet, though slowly returning to normal (I think!). With my lack of money, I can’t do some things that I had hoped to surprise Amy with to try to help things along. I’ll have to use my imagination.

Today I’m grateful for:

Meeting Nay at House this afternoon. She was there with friends when I arrived and I jokingly asked her if she could make my coffee, to which she laughed and declined.

The best thing about today was:

Probably the delicious curry that Amy made for me when I got home. My day was pretty good all round. I felt not too tired and quite upbeat.

I wasn’t particularly hungry but knew that I soon would be and I scoffed the lot. Actually, I’m not a scoffer, I take my time over food, but I did eat every last scrap.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After the struggle of my first class (grade 8s), the pleasure of my second class (grade 12s) I was both delighted and frustrated to see Kru David’s class of grade 7s all diligently listening and paying attention.

Maybe they will start acting up the more comfortable they get, but good for David, as he has struggled with the grade 8 and 9s that I constantly battle with but love so much.

Something I learned today?

UK paratroopers recreating the D-Day landings for the anniversary were forced to immediately go through French Passport Control since the UK is no longer part of the EU. All of this was captured on video.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Baipad messaged me this evening that her Thai teacher for the subject of health education starting showing gory videos at the end of their class. She wrote “He says something positive and then opens a video where the man got eaten by a bear and says don’t think too positive” WTF!

I can understand the message that he wants to teach but surely not the best way to go about it!

Baipad said she had to look away as he played more and that other students felt traumatised by it.

I told her that she should tell her homeroom teacher in the morning but that I will talk with her and the other students first to see if they want to make an issue of it or not. It’s very typical Thai style to not stand up for yourself though.

The Empty Room – 19th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This space buzzed by mosquitoes
A history was being carved out
Dusty messes swept into the corners
Where cockroaches nested, no doubt

Now an empty room remains
A hunger within this home
The incense lights the way
So we don’t have to be alone

Ghosts are only seen by some
A chilly feeling in prickly air
Once a room full of new stories
Is left in stasis with nothing there

Grandmum’s empty room

Today I’m feeling:

Still a little tired though I slept quite a lot. Not going to push my classes today and going to take it easy myself too.

Today I’m grateful for:

A surprise lunch date with the family at the seafood restaurant Amy and I tried last Sunday. At first I felt a little annoyed as I had wanted to stay at House to read and write after going to apply for the work permit after my first class. That quickly faded though as I’ve grown much more accustomed to sudden changes of plans. The food was also great, which certainly helped too!

The best thing about today was:

Sitting with groups of three students at a time and working on a grammar rule with them. I can usually get a good response out of small groups when there’s an opportunity to do so and we all could laugh and learn together.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I went to get my work permit and in the process they asked if I want it for two years to which I thought ‘sure!’ It was only then I wondered how much it would cost and I found out it will be 6000 baht which is all the money I have left this month!

Something I learned today?

As we’ve been busy for this last week I haven’t really asked Amy about much of what the latest news is or about all the stuff at the temple. With a couple of wines under her belt she talked for a long while about different people that attended the funeral, all of the costs and stresses for the family and what little she knew about the Buddhist rituals and rules.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I sent supportive messages to three of my students who struggled with situations today.

Nicha took this picture because she snatched my phone out of my pocket whilst I was distracted with another student. I’m quite happy for some students to do this because I can look forward to a surprise batch of photos to check later. Obviously in this shot I had caught up with her to get my phone back.

Love Is For The Lucky – 14th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

Peggy asked me to come over
She said she was alone and scared
I remember when we were kids
Dancing like no one cared

Fearless, the world was ours
We thought there was nothing to lose
Great dreams lost in the wrong turns
Sorrows drowned in booze

In her eyes, she cast the blame
Yet knew it was her fault
Slowly learned that accepting less
Could still return a result

Is she only flesh and bones
Waiting for death and forgotten?
Always a need to be needed
Made her miserable and rotten

I held her hand to lead her back
And we did that for a week
But a war was going on
And there was a wider world to seek

Peggy now, did you find your way
Did you see direction through your tears
Did we both realise true love
In the aftermath of those years?

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog

Today I’m feeling:

Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.

It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.

Today I’m grateful for:

A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.

The best thing about today was:

Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.

A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.

Another minute later and she’s gone.  

I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.

I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.

Something I learned today?

It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.

I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.

Aymara – 3rd January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The future is behind me
Invisible to the eye
The past keeps coming
Towards me until I die

Understanding is backwards
Yet life is straight ahead
In the end, it’s all done
When it’s all been said

Today I’m feeling:

A little edgy due to lack of sleep.  I kept waking up whilst having wild and unusual dreams.  I forget their story but have kept the feeling as I woke.  It’s a little disconcerting. Leg exercise and stomach stretching was good and easy.  My shoulders are feeling a little better but not sure that they will be fully ok before next week when I’d like to get back to arm and shoulder exercises again.

Today I’m grateful for:

The teachers who helped me with some little things today, such as finding a stapler and staples in the mess of the teacher’s room and sending the student list so that I could print out the student names for my new class.

I’m also grateful to my past self for downloading lots of useful English workbooks in the past and finding something useful to use for my new class.  I already have too many ideas and I haven’t even met them yet or know what their skill levels are.  I’ll soon find out though – first class tomorrow.

The best thing about today was:

An interesting comment from Kru Karn when I expressed concern for one of my students that she looks after.  She off-handedly said that most teachers don’t care that much about the students, implying that I do.  I don’t know if she was congratulating or criticising but I took it as a matter of pride.  As an average, untrained English teacher I make it a point to at least care about the students and the job that I’m employed to do.

A late update as I’ve just hopped into bed with delectable-smelling clean sheets and anticipating this, I used the expensive shower gel that smells like glitter and glamour. I’m soft and snug, smelling of champagne!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My grade 7 class was a little out of control, still in holiday mode.  I have the feeling it will be like this until the end of the semester with this grade.  I didn’t push them too hard today, just prepping them for the real work on Friday.

Something I learned today?

The Ancient Romans used to drop a piece of toast into their wine for good health, which is why we ‘raise a toast’.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

After my grade 10 students had completed their work for me I helped them with a speech that they had to do for another class later today.  I recorded the speech myself so that they could copy my pronunciation and I sat with them as they practiced and gave them tips.

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Somehow I wonder if I might relax a little knowing this.

Without knowing this, of course, I may die suddenly tomorrow.  I should relax now!

Would I keep working?  I enjoy what I’m doing right now but with a known time limit what else could I do in the meantime?  Would travelling the world feel satisfactory or would it just feel meaningless?  Do I even know how to enjoy myself anymore!

I think perhaps I would go travelling but on a nostalgia trip and also to catch up with old friends and have one last conversation.

I don’t think I would just fuck everything off and spend the time decadently.  Maybe a little!

I took this picture because this weird little cactus at House appears to have the Christmas spirit.