Tag: depression

Inside The Cave – 18th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Sitting at a desk struggling with pen
The whispers sadden the heart
Quietly goes the evening time
As walls all around rip apart

No muse did visit this night
And the pen resheathed in place
But sleep offered little respite
Nor the purring kitten’s embrace

All disappear in the morning glow
Both good and bad, hard reset
Return to the stool and empty paper
Where no thoughts have emerged yet

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and needed.

Today I’m grateful for:

Everything! Can I be grateful for everything? New pens, the chemist that sold me medication, the check out lady that helped repack my bag and I joked with her saying thank you for doing it properly cos I’m just a boy, the nemo CDs Yukari sent me and I blasted today, my phone, the camera, each one of my lovely students and each one of the not so lovely students and even the students I don’t know that just randomly talk with me and this and that and everything!

The best thing about today was:

Switching to my teacher’s Facebook account and finding a three-day-old message from Boss saying that he has been feeling down and wants medical help. I urgently messaged him back and thankfully he was ok. I met him at lunch time and we discussed, via lots of Google translate, getting him to the hospital on Friday morning. We talked for about thirty minutes and he was tearing up at the end and as we were about to leave he held out his arms for a hug and I felt sad for him as he obviously doesn’t get any attention or affection from his father and he appreciates the help I’m giving him.

This all came after last night when I had sent a message to Mee asking if she was ok because she had felt sick and feverish in my class. She wrote back saying that she really appreciated my message because no one else had asked her how she was. We then got talking and she mentioned she is taking antidepressants which I found unusual as she’s only 12 or 13.

But that is the age that I started to feel depressed for no good reason and it was another 17 years before I was diagnosed so I think it’s ok that it is recognised earlier now though also cautious that it’s not just a quick fix offered by doctors.

Anyway, when I saw her again today she ran up to me and gave me a hug, along with Yok and Pet. They are not great students but I’m aware they have other, bigger things going on in their lives that have an effect. They are still great kids.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Anything out of my control was handled with calm and a smile. Really there wasn’t anything except the usual issues with slack students. It’s so regular that I don’t get upset about it specifically and handle it by contacting the headteacher who can deal with it as they please.

Something I learned today?

I’ve been checking dates and information on Treworgey Tree Fayre in 1989 and found a short BBC video about English festivals. I don’t remember seeing it before but I must have at the time, the violence meted out by the police (in the Battle of the Beanfield) on the peace convoy in 1985 was vicious and appalling. It made me angry all over again. I guess this was something I relearned today.

Write about your siblings…

Well, this is a simple one. I don’t have any. I can remember when I was in Whitehaven, aged between 4 and 8, I would tell my mum that I wanted a sibling. I knew Mum had a boyfriend and I liked him. It couldn’t be that difficult could it! It wasn’t until years later I found out that he didn’t treat her so well and that is probably one of the reasons we moved away.

I took this picture because I forced myself to go outside and find something to take a picture of. Cap followed me out and so yes, it’s another cat pic but look at him. Still a lovely old man.

Frank’s Dream – 4th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When Frank died his soul flew up high
And ended up in a powerful war machine
He screamed ‘ANNIHILATE’ but didn’t know why
But then it turned out it was all just a dream

Inspired by Armoured Gideon, 2000AD

It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are all full of the truthless ideal which has been instilled into them, and each time they come into contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.

W. Somerset Maugham

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and satisfied.
Today I’m grateful for:
The front wheel of my motorbike. It took some hard knocks on some tough roads today and I was worried I would have to limp down the mountain with a flat tyre but it held up and got me home.
The best thing about today was:
Riding around new mountains and discovering some beautiful villages and amazing scenery. It was blissful.

What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?
For 24 years now I’ve been taking sertraline and that has made an incredible difference to my life, keeping me stable and less prone to depression. I still have bad moments but in general, I am much happier than a was in my first 30 years.
Brushing my teeth. Sad to say that I didn’t look after my teeth well for my first 20 years or so. They are just hanging on since starting to care about them more.
Making my bed. A small habit I only acted on since moving to Thailand. I actually don’t care if my bed is made or not but I do it so as to include it in a series of morning habits and to feel, no matter how minor, to have achieved something already, right at the beginning of the day.
Exercise….if I do it every day it will definitely improve my quality of life. Now I just have to do it every day!

I took this picture because Bruno and I met these kids after a long muddy ride and they were so happy and inquisitive to see two muddy white men in their mountain school at the end of the road.

Old Geezer – 30th May 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We didn’t know it before
Why the dark clouds came
You just had to get on with it
With only yourself to blame

Then someone turns on the light
And it all starts to make sense
So begins the slow process
To down the shields of defence

Inspired by reading Mick Wall’s Black Sabbath biography and Geezer Butler growing up with undiagnosed depression, much like myself.
9th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – sabbath

The feeling of having no power over people and events is generally unbearable to us.

Robert Greene

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Kim was waiting in the bookshelf this morning as I couldn’t find her last night to put her in her room.

Gone Away – 14th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

There’s no problem between us
I’d never tell you you have to stay
We are always together at heart
Even after you’ve gone away

Our dreams are sometimes different
And other times they are the same
We push each other to realise them
Cos our love will always remain

With the latest technology
We are merely a whisper apart
It may be a while ’til we meet again
But you always remain in my heart

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for Google Translate. It can help make the parents aware of their children’s work and to push them to complete it.

On Friday afternoon, I started to enjoy a grim feeling. Lethargic, sour thoughts, dizziness. I got home and vegitated with some Netflix but I couldn’t enjoy it.

I woke up feeling good on Saturday but soon this sad feeling appeared again. I was very aware of it. Anything I watched or read compounded it; nothing was contributing anything good to the world.

I slept a little and in the evening read a load of comics and a little bit of Rollins ‘Stay Fanatic’. I thought that perhaps I should understand clearly what Rollins was saying about the power of music and he hides himself in the melodies and nuance of those sounds. Perhaps I should’ve tried the same.

Today, I’m feeling ok again and intend to indulge myself in some music – just listening, nothing else. Something familiar.

I’ve recently been adverse to going to my man cave. Something about it displeases me and I can’t quite figure out what. Could be time for a rearrangement. I want a comfy armchair to relax on. I rarely see comfy armchairs in Thailand.

More Sugar – 18th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Little girl, lost in her thoughts
Searching for the why
Struggles on, trapped inside
Whilst the world passes by

No answers, questions repeating
What purpose being?
Everyone else in happiness
Is the illusion she is seeing

Tell yourself, forgive yourself
And be kind to your heart
Get back up on your horse
And every day, just start

The way is forward, moving on
Learning from the past
It’s a cliche, but live each day
As if it was your last

A true story of a girl whose name translates as Sugar
Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge – Moving On

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our mask supply so we can change them often and try to stay safe.

It felt like a busy weekend but I notice a calmness within me these days. Before, I felt like I have to do this and do that and get it done. I still have things to do but I have a confidence that they will get done and don’t feel any stress to get them out of the way.

Perhaps I know about all the things I have lined up in the future – things that may keep me occupied for another lifetime or two. Yes, I want to start fiddling around with music again – it will happen when the time is right.

Perhaps this pandemic has taught me to slow down a little. Without it, I’m sure I would be busy organising new things to be involved in. A situation such as this is not so bad timing for me. I did a lot and achieved many things up until the pandemic. It’s easy for me to sit back and relax a bit.

I hope that others come out the other side with renewed energy and can pick up where things were in their lives and the state of their societies.

I had a long talk with Oh’s girlfriend Namtan on Friday. She struggles with anxiety and depression, so I told her my story. Something I said hit me quite unexpectedly.

I said that Amy was lucky that the chemicals in her brain were capable of making her positive most of the time. I said to Namtan that we are not like that – we are always questioning things and searching for meaning. It’s just the way we are. And I have accepted that. It’s not an option anymore to try to be something you’re not.

I’ve known this all along but without resolution until recently. Namtan is 28. I told her not to give up. Every day is a struggle but we are capable of digging ourselves out of the mental holes we created until now.

It was nice to be able to offer advice, though I think perhaps I overwhelmed her with too much information.

We talked a lot about books too. She’s a librarian and an avid reader. I think that’s a good start to get on the right track.

I had some stomach bug for most of the weekend and lost a kilogram in weight. Somehow, I managed to push through the abs routine each morning, though. I can see a definite change in my belly fat. I’m actually starting to like the way I look again.

The Week That Was – 21st January 1979

Soi Dog Wandering – 14th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Snuffle in the undergrowth
There’s something living there
Scratching at an itchy head
And sniffing at the air
Sad dog sat contemplating
Where has the feeder gone?
Time to sleep in the road
Til the next car comes along

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my new pillow. This one seems to be helping with my sore neck. I’m hoping it can help get rid of the pain altogether.

12th July 2023 – We have a stack of pillows in our house now as we are constantly seeking relief for sore necks. I believe I may have finally come to the realisation that it is not the pillow that is the problem but my lack of movement and exercise throughout the day. Some pillows are undoubtedly better than others but my neck pain has dissipated much more since exercising and stretching it more often.

I was just reminded about depression (reading about someone’s experience) and realise I haven’t had any dark thoughts, or dark days, I should say, for a long time. At least, it feels that way. I guess I do have dark thoughts but they are let go without breeding further. A little bit of exercise, medicine, less alcohol, a combination of all. I feel more comfortable in this world at the moment, conscious of how time passes by so quickly.

Yesterday, I took a quick afternoon ride and discovered yet more hidden hills and valleys close to home. It was a beautiful day. Hot but cooling, as I was exploring randomly. Many dead ends, stuck in pineapple fields. Going up a hill track that I hoped I wouldn’t have to come back down, then, without option, careening back down. Covered in mud and scratches from thorny plants.

Returned home to find the gardeners finishing up, took a shower and enjoyed our house, renewed again with trimming back of the jungle.

On Tuesday, Amy and I talked with a bunch of students at Berm and Hangie’s new cafe and Amy got fired up, thinking, ‘we could be doing this at our own place and helping the students with their English. It’s good to see her thinking about this option again.

The Week That Was – 14th January 1979

Poems From Underground – 3rd July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

This was a mammoth task! Lots of quotes from Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground stuck out to me and I could identify very well with The Underground Man. Finding many of these quotes elsewhere online seems to indicate that many others identify with him too.

Anyway, I decided I’d try to write a poem for each quote as I’d done before. This took a while!

The themes are obviously all very similar, maybe it could’ve been one long poem but that would’ve surely made me more crazy. Words are borrowed and manipulated liberally from the quotes. This was a fun exercise but I’m glad it’s finished. On to the Dreams of a Ridiculous Man!

But I still say that not only too much lucidity, but any amount of it at all is a disease.

Lucid Rivers

When you wake up, ready to go
In search of things you didn’t know
Does this compulsion drive you so
Too obsessive to properly grow
The disease of always learning
Never satisfies your yearning
That desire that’s always burning
Is like a wheel that’s always turning

…as a result of heightened consciousness, a man feels that it’s all right if he’s bad as long as he knows it – as though that were any consolation.

Done Bad

I know the things I’ve done
There surely is no prize
I justified the outcome
As I looked into your eyes

I’m guilty of being more intelligent than all those around me. (I’ve always felt that and, believe me, it’s weighed on my conscience sometimes. All my life, I have never been able to look people straight in the eye – I always feel a need to avert my face.)

Pedestal

Here on this pedestal, I sit
Judging all those below
It’s always been like this
And believe me, I know
When will you learn, I say
As if to deny what’s true
I don’t know who I am
But certain that you are you

….it will hurt itself a hundred times more than it will hurt the one against whom its revenge is directed, who probably won’t even feel enough of an itch to scratch himself.

Bad To Worse

When I took revenge on you
You didn’t feel a thing
Little did I understand
The trouble it would bring
I just wanted to hurt you
Make you feel my pain
Instead things got worse for me
Over and over again

How many times did I convince myself that I was offended, just like that, for no reason at all.

To Take Offence Is To Give Offence

Convinced myself I was offended
Just like that, no reason at all
My reaction less than splendid
Taking home my bat and ball

Where will I find primary reason for action, the justification for it? I exercise my power of reasoning, and in my case, every time I think I have found a primary cause I see another cause that seems to be truly primary, and so on and so forth, indefinitely. This is the very essence of consciousness and thought. It must be another natural law. And what happens in the end? The same thing over again.

Merry

Round and round in circles I go
Looking for the primary cause
It’s never ending, I know
It’s one of nature’s laws

You see, ladies and gentlemen, I have a friend – of course, he’s your friend too, and, in fact, everyone’s friend. When he’s about to do something, this friend explains pompously and in detail how he must act in accordance with the precepts of justice and reason. Moreover, he becomes passionate as he expostulates upon human interests; heaps scorn on the shortsighted fools who don’t know what virtue is or what’s good for them. Then, exactly fifteen minutes later, without any apparent external cause, but prompted by something inside him that is stronger than every consideration of interest, he pirouettes and starts saying exactly the opposite of what he was saying before; that is, he discredits the laws of logic and his own advantage; in short, he attacks everything…

Your Personal Friend

Roll up, roll up, he is everyone’s friend
He is another you
Arguing a point, a message to intend
About what you should do
Fifteen minutes, position is reversed
Opposite now true
Argued both ways, you’re becoming the worst
Split yourself in two
Attack from both sides needing to win
Making others blue
Needle your way under people’s skin
Two faced through and through

….in that future age of reason, there suddenly appeared a gentleman with an ungrateful, or shall we say, retrogressive smirk, who, arms akimbo, would say:
“What do you say, folks, let’s send all this reason to hell, just to get all these logarithm tables out from under our feet and go back to our own stupid ways.”
That isn’t so annoying in itself; what’s bad is that this gentleman would be sure to find followers. That’s the way man is made.

Return

“Deny all reason and follow me
Your system isn’t working
I am the one to set you free”
I whisper quietly, smirking

…a man, always and everywhere, prefers to act in the way he feels like acting and not in the way his reason and interest tell him…

Don’t Do It

Who controls my brain?
I’m not sure it’s me
Don’t think about pink elephants
But that is what I see
I tell myself, don’t do it
And do it anyway
Shoot myself in the foot
Reason has no say

…there is one instance when a man can wish upon himself, in full awareness, something harmful, stupid, and even completely idiotic. He will do it in order to establish his right to wish for the most idiotic things and not to be obliged to have only sensible wishes…it leaves us our most important , most treasured possession: our individuality.

We’re All Individuals

I want to be stupid
It’s my right
Do dangerous things
In the night
I know it’s dumb
But I’m aware
It’s my choice
You don’t need to care

I’m prepared to follow you as soon as you have eradicated my desires, destroyed my ideals, and replaced them by something better.

The Offer

Eradicate my desires
Perhaps I’ll follow you
Destroy my ideals
Would I join your crew?
If you want me to change
Follow you to the letter
You’ll have to show me how
You offer something better

You say you’re longing to live, and you try to solve the problems of life with tangled logic. And you’re so insistent, so arrogant, and at the same time, so afraid.

Tangled Logic

In your arrogance you insist
Don’t fear or resist
Your logic remains tangled
Your thinking quite mishandled
Change the way you live
By what it is you give
You can’t see it made
As long as you’re afraid

There is some truth in you, all right, but there’s no humility; and it is out of the pettiest vanity that you drag forth your truth, to exhibit it, to offer it for sale, to disgrace it. You really have something to say, but you hide your final words, out of fear, because you really have no courage, only the impertinence of a coward. You were bragging about your consciousness, yet you can’t grasp anything clearly because, though your head is quite lucid, your heart is murky as a result of debauchery, and real consciousness is impossible without a pure heart.

Truth For Sale

Do as I say, not as I do
It’s up for sale, what is true
No courage for your conviction
A murky heart, your restriction
Nothing clear in your action
No idea maintaining traction
Your debauchery brings disgrace
And permanently found its place

…there are things, too, that a man won’t dare to admit even to himself, and every decent man has quite an accumulation of such things.

No Freedom

Some things I hate to admit to you
And there’s others I cannot see
I also wouldn’t admit were true
So I’ll hide them deep inside of me

I would like to note here Heine’s remark to the effect that sincere autobiographies are almost impossible and that a man is bound to lie about himself.

Sincere

Every day your autobiography
Is accumulating on your stage
Where you cannot hide behind
Lies you put down on your page

I was twenty-four, but even then I led the gloomy disorganised solitary existence of a recluse. I stayed away from people, avoided even speaking to them, and kept more and more to my hole.

Recluse

A gloomy solitary existence
A rat hiding in it’s hole
Away from the tyranny
Of words that cut my soul

I, of course, loathed and despised everyone in my office, although I was afraid of them at the same time. At times, I even considered them above me.

Sits In His Office

In this office I sit and suffer
Despising those above me
Fools pandering to bosses
Whispering ‘please, love me’
Afraid of failure
And afraid of praise
I wish to be left alone
To quiet office days

I was painfully sensitive and complex, as a man of this age should be. The others, of course, were stupid and resembled one another like a flock of sheep.

No Sheep

Yes, I’m weird about some things
But that’s as they should be
At least I’m no stupid sheep
And learning what I could be

One day I’d refuse to talk to my colleagues at all; then, suddenly I’d be talking their heads off and even seeking their friendship.

Pie Bowler

Today I talk your head off
You just seem bemused
Yesterday I ignored you
No wonder you’re confused
I don’t know why it happens
My brain ain’t balanced well
What you’re gonna get today
Even I cannot tell

I, for instance, sincerely loathed my office work, and if I didn’t spit in anyone’s eye, it was only because I couldn’t afford to – I was paid to sit there.

Sits In His Office II

Another dollar, another day
I spat in no one’s eye
Loathing my self-loathing
Life trudges right on by
If I do not do this thing
I’ll be another useless jerk
So now I race to the office
For another hateful day at work

No, wait, don’t laugh, I can explain – I have an explanation for everything, you may rest assured of that.

Justified Brat

I have an explanation for everything
You may rest assured of that
I’ll justify all my contradictions
Like an ageless teenage brat

How can one ever understand you…with all these noble feelings.

Enigma

Your noble thoughts and feelings
Your enigmatic dealings
Can one ever understand
Life’s journey that you have planned?

I was already grimly wondering at the pettiness of their thoughts, the inanity of their talk, their games and their preoccupations. They couldn’t understand the essential things and were not interested in the most thought-provoking subjects, so I came to consider them as inferiors. …but while I was still dreaming, those boys were grasping the real meaning of life.

Mindtrap

I discounted you in my false superiority
Because I felt I was far above the majority
Your talk and games are inane
Yet the meaning of life they explain
I still lay here, still provoking thought
In this trap I made, I am clearly caught

I hated them violently, although I was probably even worse than they.

In Common

What you did to me
Makes me so mad
And what I do to you
Is just as bad
This violent hate
The same as yours
Exposes us both
To our own flaws

I did make a friend once, but I was already a tyrant at heart and wanted to be the absolute ruler of his mind….It was as though I’d only wanted his total friendship just for the sake of winning it and making him submit to me.

Tyrant Friend

The only way you can be my friend
Is if you submit to my will
Your submission must be total
Tho I will remain a tyrant still
If you break these unspoken rules
You will be castigated
I must be ruler of your mind
Until my ego is placated

I wanted to show the lot of them that I wasn’t the coward I myself thought I was.

Bravado

My true colours as a coward
My bravado comes to hide
I hurt myself to prove to you
There’s more to me inside

That’s bad too – not to think. Wake up and get hold of yourself while there’s still time. Because you do still have time, understand that!

Too Bad

I don’t want to think about it
I just want to drink about it
I try to fix but always doubt it
In my mind is where I shout it
Can I wake up to myself
Whilst there’s time to be had
Try to think my way out
But…ah, well, that’s too bad

…we must first learn to live ourselves before we begin to accuse others!

Jack Hughes

Issuing instructions on correct living
Somewhat insincere, granted misgiving
Accusations undermined in ignorance
Hypocritical, devious denial of intelligence

I didn’t understand that sarcasm is a screen – the last refuge of shy, pure persons against those who rudely and insistently try to break their hearts.

Extreme Screen

I dare not speak of those things I’ve seen
Shy, yet pure, I must raise this screen
My last refuge is not as it may seem
This story plays out as a reoccurring theme
Indirectly, I direct you to where I’ve been
Cry off in the corner as I, smiling, beam
My reaction may be considered extreme
My sarcasm will rudely disturb your dream

Habit can do things to people, I’m sure.

Does

Discipline breeds habit
Habits breed discipline too
Doing things to people’s brains
Doing the do, do do

I’d been insulted, so I wanted to insult back; I’d been made a doormat, so I wanted to show my power and wipe my feet on someone else.

Doormat

You wiped your shoes on me
With your insulting behaviour
I’ll take my shoes to someone else
So they may feel my failure

I can only play with words or dream inside my head; in real life, all I want is for you to vanish into the ground! I need peace.

Vanishing Point

The life I wish for is just a dream
I play out in my head many times a day
I would never stick a real knife in you
Though I need peace – please, just go away

Of course, spinning long yarns about how I poisoned my life through moral disintegration in my musty hole, lack of contact with other men, and spite and vanity is not very interesting.

It’s Not Called a Men-cave

As you can see for yourself
My life is quite ordinary
The tales of my disintegration
They don’t often vary
From my cave I look out
A life so poisoned with spite
Unable to deny my vanity
And unable to make things right

We’ve lost touch to such an extent that we feel a disgust for life as it is really lived and cannot bear to be reminded of it.

Daily Reminder

It annoys me to be reminded of the way you are
Disgusts me so much that I then take things too far
Losing touch with reality, trapped inside this cage
Punishing myself as I’m tortured with this sickly rage

We don’t know ourselves. We would be the ones to suffer if our whimsical wishes were granted.

Whimsical Wishes

Ah, it’s the usual story
Wasted wishes on whimsy
We think we know ourselves
Yet the evidence is flimsy
So that we may suffer
When desires are not earned
Your third wish is for three more
Is something to be learned

…we long to turn ourselves into something hypothetical called the average man.

Mr Average

Poison girls once did tell
That Mr Average did never exist
Yet the desire for exactly that
Is a want we cannot resist

23rd Jun 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – below

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to our friends who will come and visit us for lunch today. We can prepare tables, chairs, food and drinks for them all and we’ll have a good time.

On Waiting – 28th June 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Dull day, inexplainable, darkened skies
Greying mind, inexplicable meaningless whys
Each day, unknowable, a morning shine
Bright mind, lovable, this day divine

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to work out and meditate in Kim’s room and be distracted by her running around like crazy. She makes me smile and distracts me from my own problems.

A connecting principle, linked to the invisible – 17th March 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Pic: cat waiting for quote

“A person who knows little likes to talk, and one who knows much mostly keeps silent.
This is because a person who knows little thinks that everything he knows is important, and wants to tell everyone. A person who knows much also knows that there is much more he doesn’t know. That’s why he speaks only when it is necessary to speak, and when he is not asked questions, he keeps his silence.”

-Jean Jacques Rousseau (via Tolstoy’s Calendar of Wisdom)

“I’m not sure of much of anything these days. Maybe that’s why I talk so much.”

-Robert Pirsig from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I read these two quotes from different sources today, also reflecting on the ‘loud’ Thai people in my work environment and it was made more poignant as at this time they were congratulating two other foreign teachers for picking two correct numbers on the lottery. No one won anything that I could discern, as more correct numbers were needed but because they had two correct this seemed to indicate a mad belief in their fortune-telling skills.

This nonsense talk went on for a while and at a volume that chased any hiding cockroaches out of the room. I think for a lot of Thai people, it is all about the show and not about the reality. I’ve mentioned before my sense of this whilst living here. It still jars but rather than say anything this time, I tried to see things for what they were – and kept my mouth shut. (Until writing this, of course!)

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the foam rollers that help me to massage out any pain and tension in my back. Sometimes the relief is awesome – especially after sleeping awkwardly.

The best things today was that everyone was in a fairly happy mood as students were celebrating graduation. They all complained about having to wait, especially as the temperature rose up to 38 degrees or so.

It was a lot of fun to see everyone so relaxed. I especially enjoyed talking with Porpieng, Momo and Junior in the morning. I also talked with Baitoey and Bonus. Baitoey had written about her family situation and how unhappy it made her and how difficult it was for her to concentrate on school work. She wrote that she was depressed, her parents fight all the time – it seems her mum was only 17 when she had Baitoey – and her dad is not much older.

Baitoey had also thought about suicide. I told her my own dealings with depression and that she should know that she is loved – by me, Bonus and her friends. But also that she must consider her own love first and that is important when she can’t get it anywhere else.

I think she felt happy and relieved to write those things down even though it was so hard for her and she still can’t see a way out of the fog. I care about my students so much.

I taught online this evening and although I wasn’t really looking forward to it, even thinking of cancelling, it went well. Luckily this student is fairly capable and seems very motivated. Sometimes it’s hard to stay motivated went he student doesn’t really understand you or doesn’t have enough vocabulary to think deeper.

Past is past is past is farce – 25th November 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

– attributed to Buddha

In the end (what end?) none of this matters, but I played along anyway.

How much you loved.

Sometimes I loved too much, other times, not enough. I have loved different people but shown it in different ways. Does that mean the love was different? I have become more careful and selective with my love, perhaps to the point that I don’t love anyone or anything deeply anymore. This is a countermeasure against loss. The extreme loves of youth are more tempered now. I don’t feel like this was a conscious decision but a naturally evolving one. It has come with stronger self-confidence and self-esteem but also at a loss of close connections with people.

I grew up with a strong independent single mother who was already tired of dealing with other people and their bullshit. I have become like her. We are loners but not lonely and not lone wolfs. We are just happy by ourselves or, in my case, with one very special person around. All my acquaintances I still call friends, I just don’t interact with them so much. This sometimes gives me a false sense of understanding as, in my mind, they are the same person as the last time I met them and nothing should be different. I still have this feeling after what could be years without speaking. Obviously, that’s unrealistic.

I could dream about meeting an old girlfriend as if it was just a current continuation of that relationship from that time. Never mind, we would be twenty years older, married with kids since. Those feelings are still in my memories but reality is much cooler.

I’m surprised sometimes that I know I won’t have those butterfly feelings again. Experience and understanding (and time) has calmed them. I am no longer crazed and tempestuous but I am still alive and capable. It’s a double-edged sword. Those feelings were special and wild, extreme highs, but dampened by such extreme lows. Perhaps some of my father’s manic depression got passed on.

Now that I have balance I guess I’m somewhat boring.

How much I have loved? I loved myself selfishly 100%. I loved others occasionally, but 100%.

How gently you lived.

My memories of youth don’t seem particularly gentle but the deeper I go, under the piss and vinegar, there is a big softy. I was a teenage asshole, sometimes even to my best friends. I was less an early 20s asshole but still could be a mean son-of-a-bitch. Having now lived in other countries around the world I believe I was very well suited to the typical British contrarian and sarcastic humour. I can fall back into it instantly I meet an ex-pat, sometimes so obviously I kick myself for it. It does, however, still make me laugh.

So whether with the simple act of aging or with growth and understanding, I am living much more gently these days. I gave up eating meat when I was 14, something that I believe inspires a gentler life. I was quite aggressive about it at the beginning but don’t even think about it anymore and thankfully it’s so acceptable these days that it’s barely a topic for discussion. There was always a tension about it before, having to constantly provide justification for what was perceived as different.

I was mostly thoughtful on the inside but could let my emotions get out of control. I’m still envious of more balanced people I grew up with, especially some who had to deal with me. I know we’re all a little fucked up in some way but I do often wish I knew then what I know now (and was able to act on it). It’s ironic that folks said that I was mature for my age. I must have been a very good deceiver.

When I was 30 and getting divorced I went to the psychiatrist and got diagnosed with mild depression and started to take a low dose of medication that stabilised a lot of my out of control emotions. When I revealed this to my mother, she then revealed to me that my father had suffered from manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder). I guess things started falling into place.

It still took me another 10 years or so of growth to get to a point where I was mostly and consistently happy and this reflected in my attitudes and behaviors. Of course, by this time a lot of small unique habits had developed which often have me reflecting how much like my mother I have become. It’s neither good nor bad, it just is.

I saw an online post about how we spend our second 40 years dealing with our first 40 years. I certainly spend a lot of time reflecting on those first 40 years. I also feel that, despite being 13 past the mark, my first 40 years haven’t been completed yet.

Looking back over these words I wonder if I even know what living gently means in the context of my life. Living gently feels like I should be a monk who is careful not to step on an ant, something I was reminded of this morning when I crunched a snail under foot in my driveway – those damn snails are everywhere.

How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days already. Letting go was always difficult when I was younger though something I seem to have improved at. However, when I think deeply about this the only ‘things’ I consider in my life (in connection to this subject) are people. After having moved across the world a couple of times already, things such as books, albums, videos, comics, furniture, clothes etc are all replaceable. Sometimes the fun in having (and losing) those things is more about the search and discovery of them again.

The ‘things’ I feel more attached too have personal meaning, such as old letters or photos but in consideration, I haven’t looked at my old letters since I left England in 1994. They are in the pile of things that I do want to go through again and perhaps document before I shuffle off.

So, that leaves people, particularly friends and girlfriends. With that I can only say that I have gotten better at it over time. Teenage/early 20s are typically messy and I was not mature and confident enough in myself to deal with letting go. Possibly this relates to a subconscious search for a mother figure to replace my mom and not having a father around to learn from.

Letting go also sometimes meant pushing away, and that is not graceful at all. I tried my best at the time.

I’m finding it hard to write more about this without going into painful detail. Perhaps considering things that I don’t wish to share about other people as much as about myself. I have few, if any, regrets but also can be nostalgic for certain times and places with certain people.

Finally, we cannot hold onto anything, nothing is actually meant for us, it is just our internal impression of it.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have to chance and opportunity to learn and grow and to try to better understand this thing called life. Many things are making more sense to me even though I struggle to be the better person that I want to be.
I am so happy and grateful to have the time and space to think and consider things. I also need to put these things into action. I have the time and space to do that too.