“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Shared with Reena’s Xploration Challenge #380 for the prompt ‘Who will read my diary?” I read through other people’s writing for the prompt and considered all the further questions raised from this initial one. It led to a more stream-of-consciousness write this time, perhaps because my own thoughts are not so clear yet. Who will even read this explanation?
*Chuck Palahniuk from Diary
Today I’m feeling:
Good and positive again. Squeezed in a couple of workouts this morning and that has given me some energy boost. Looking forward to sitting and writing after my first class today.
(later) I caught up on poetry writing, easily inspired just by random phrases from things I was reading.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the students that asked me to watch them play their sports after classes and I stayed around for more than an hour walking from place to place, watching, cheering, chatting. Everyone was in a cheerful frame of mind.
The best thing about today was:
My old workmate Marie, from the Woolworths cafe in Sydney messaging me out of the blue after about five years. She had crossed my mind occasionally when I remember happier times working there. She is now living back in France, near Paris and is a single mum. A change from when she was in Sydney and dating girls.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
After having just bought tubs of ice cream at Big C I got stuck in the car park as the police closed the roads for some Royal family member passing through. No point getting too bothered, if the ice cream melts, it melts. I won’t die because of that. I did beep the guy in the car two in front of me when he let every other car out of the car park for the next five minutes after it got moving again. But it wasn’t in too much frustration, more just a reminder that maybe we could get moving too.
Apparently, lots of locals complain when the roads are closed for royalty here and it did make me wonder how it’s done in other countries. I think in some they must travel incognito because it seems pretty obvious here that it would be easy to take out the vehicles if you so had that intention, it’s pretty obvious which vehicles would be carrying someone important. I wonder how the police would react too, as it would be so unexpected and they’d probably never have had to deal with a situation like that. I’m imagining a Keystone Cops movie!
Anyway, it’s sleepy Chiang Rai. People complain and then get back on with things.
Something I learned today?
I learned how to use Kahoot in team mode in class and the kids enjoyed it a lot. I can see the benefits from it too. I think I will try to incorporate it a little more often in my lessons.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I cheered on all my students in their various sports.
I checked in with ****** this morning but didn’t talk about her home situation and just let her get her mojo back with her friends.
I took it easy with both of my classes today. I had prepped them for it so that they happily obliged doing the work that I asked them to do.
What was a small detail I noticed today?
Looking at this this morning and wondering if there might be anything I notice. I need to pay attention.
I noticed the small Christmas trees Gui put up in House. I don’t think they were here yesterday….
When I stepped out into the dark garden to take tonight’s picture I made sure to step loudly just in case there were any snakes in the grass. Unlikely but possible. I didn’t really think too much about it. Yet, as I turned to come back inside I noticed something long thin and shiny on the ground which turned out to be a shed snake skin.
I know there were many other small details registered throughout the day but they were so inconsequential that they aren’t worth any mention.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good though still a little rundown. My weekends are feeling the reverse of how they used to. I’m enjoying being at school during the day more than being at home. I know Amy will fill my time again when she’s back so I really should be relishing these lazy weekends of freedom. I’m not quite sure why I’m not.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last four candies I had in my car. When I got to school, the little group of kids I usually talk with were hanging out, eating breakfast. Noah looked at me with a smile and told me ‘Lin is crying’ and so she was. She had a snotty nose but didn’t look too sad.
I tried to find out what was upsetting her and all it seemed to be was that the food she bought for breakfast tasted bad. I think she knew that it wasn’t something so serious to be crying about but perhaps it was just an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and hunger. Tears then poured off her cheeks and into her lap though as Noah, bemused, sat by and comforted her.
Later I gave her the last of my candies and she was already feeling better.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing updating the blog with the handwritten gratitude journal entries. Another book out of the way. A lot more to go but at least I’m not adding so much more these days as I write here in the app instead.
I’ll finish up the diary and old poetry book before adding another book into my bag. I only have one more old diary to go, from 1985.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
At the beginning of my class today two girls asked if they could go to get water which I allowed them to do as I took the register and handed out worksheets. I didn’t think much about what else was going on around me but soon realised when the girls turned up again five minutes totally drenched in the storm that came through. They had no way to dry off except jumping up and down and shaking themselves off and needless to say that didn’t really work. They couldn’t do my work because they would have just gotten the sheet wet but they agreed to do it home tonight. Let’s see if they do.
Something I learned today?
There is a city in China called Nagqu that is larger by area than Sweden! This ‘factoid’ seems to depend a lot on the definition of city though.
How am I using technology to make my life better?
Mainly for reading books and articles but there are probably many more that I’m already taking for granted. I am from a time when microwaves were the brand new thing, otherwise I would be scrubbing baked beans stuck on the bottom of the saucepan til this day.
The amount of information readily available now is overwhelming and I think most people are struggling to get to grips with it all.
I do still prefer the traditional methods for consuming information and entertainment such as books, comics and CDs but even these are diminishing now. I used to collect vinyl, comics and DVDs but all these things are now readily available, legal or not, at a few clicks.
I’m sometimes somewhat dubious that this makes my life better.
What is most important?
A healthy body, a healthy mind? Love? Amy? Hayden? My cats? My home? My work?
Most important….?
Is anything important?
What is in my control?
The struggle. The suffering. The stress.
To be here. To breathe. To persevere.
This question raises more questions. Or am I just avoiding a definitive answer?
Most important to me must be myself. If I don’t take care of that how can I take care of anything else.
Today I’m feeling:
I slept ok but the sunlight is waking me up in the mornings. Maybe I should get up earlier.
Just set my alarm ten minutes earlier. See how it goes tomorrow.
Feeling reasonably good. My back is still sore but I got through an ab workout this morning. My first class was a bit tough with trying to get everybody into Quizizz. In that class, there are a couple of annoying kids identified so far but most of the others seem cool. I must try to remain calm. I must try to remain calm. I must….
Today I’m grateful for:
My old schoolmate Rupert, who has been much better at maintaining friendships with other schoolmates than myself. As I was writing out my 1984 diary I came across the name Ange but only had a very vague recollection about her. Rupert gave me her full name and reminded me how we both fantasised about her!
The best thing about today was:
Being reminded of so many things whilst writing out my 1984 diary over the last two days. That seemed like a crazy defining year in many ways. Despite hating school so much I did feel a sense of loss and overwhelming change when leaving. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just had a huge long list of things I didn’t want to do.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It’s the old fallback of the out-of-control class today as my previously boisterous grade 7s are now boisterous grade 8s. However, I think I dealt with it ok, in the fact that I couldn’t control them but I could at least control myself!
Something I learned today?
I stumbled across a video of a better neck-stretching exercise rather than just the regular pull-your-head to the left and then to the right. I’ll give it a go for a while, adding it to my never-ending list of stretches I should do as an older gentleman.
What are some memorable moments from this past month?
Going back to school and seeing the students again would be my number one. I know one day I will have to leave this all behind and that will be sad but also will mean moving on to the next thing.
There have been other minor memorable moments this month and that is as it should be. I would prefer consistency over highs and lows and to be honest, despite how good everything is really, when I walk to close the gate in the early evening and I look up I still feel like it is not complete anymore because that one little cat, that lovely little Kim, is gone.
Today I’m feeling:
In the morning I was feeling pretty happy. We had a Songkran ceremony blessing the director (or he was blessing us, I don’t know) and folks were having fun splashing water around. I got home around midday and, despite three coffees, I’m starting to feel sleepy as these early mornings are catching up with me already. I must resist the urge to sleep though.
Today I’m grateful for:
My former teenage self for reading books. For some reason, I never really thought of myself as a reader. When I was young it took me a long time to finish a book. On going through my diaries from 1983 and 1984 though I can see that I was reading a lot more than I thought. I can even remember the feeling of reading certain books though the story has long gone. I always saw my mum reading so I guess that influenced me more than I realised too. I surprise myself – when I think about it.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling pretty good at school with all the other teachers for the ceremony. I was able to do some online searching for lesson ideas on my phone whilst they did all the Thai speeches. The atmosphere was pretty positive despite the heat. My shirt was wet with sweat even just sitting still.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
This was actually last night though the result was this morning. Last night was the roughest storm so far and it ripped up another sheet of our roof over the entertainment area. It rained so hard and heavily that the gutters overflowed and in the garage, the water was overflowing into the underside of the roofing though thankfully not into the rooms (from what I could tell anyway). There were even hailstones pounding against the windows. I found the damaged roof this morning and wondering how we can fix this. There’s nothing much that can be done about the weather except to know that it will happen again one day. Thankfully not much was damaged that hadn’t already been in last week’s storm.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video arguing that English shouldn’t be compulsory in Japanese schools because very few students succeed in learning enough of it. They were arguing that it wastes time for those students who are more interested in learning something else. It made me wonder about Thailand.
My friend Fui, who I often see in House, always talks about education here. He has sent three of his four kids overseas to study knowing just how bad it is here. He agrees that students should be failed and be held back a year as other countries do rather than just passing everyone. Thailand must look good on paper but the only people it is fooling is themselves.
What is going well in my life right now?
In general, I can’t, or shouldn’t complain except right now I don’t feel particularly enthused about anything much. That will change I’m sure. So, really, everything is going well. I’m very lucky.
Today I’m feeling:
In the morning I was tired from getting up too early so instead of an afternoon nap I went for a morning one instead!
Today I’m grateful for:
All the artists and musicians I’m currently working with on upcoming releases for tenzenmen. Things have slowed down but I’m still happy to be helping musicians make music that I really enjoy.
The best thing about today was:
Wanting to play guitar. I just haven’t had the feeling for this past month though had been forcing myself every couple of days even if just for five minutes. I did about ten minutes in the afternoon but then felt compelled to pick it up again in the evening.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Eating lunch at the restaurant I was happy with green curry salmon and a side dish of cabbage in fish sauce. I was enjoying the spicy sauce and went for a spoonful of the cabbage which I happily chewed up like the cows outside my kitchen window, grinding the vegetable into a swallowable pulp. However, the chilli suddenly induced a sneeze which I managed to catch with my hand without too much damage. But then I felt another coming and I stupidly tried to hold my nose which didn’t have the desired effect of killing the sneeze. Instead, the sneeze manifested and forced air out of my mouth along with its contents! Chewed cabbage pulp hit my hand and sprayed in a wide arc over the table and onto the floor. I quickly tried to clean myself and the table, thankful I don’t think anyone saw what happened. I picked up pieces off the floor after finishing eating trying not to show any guilt. I think I got away with it though I’m giggling and embarrassed at the same time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned that it is Cap that pees on the folding mattress as I caught him in the act. All this time blaming Tigger; though I had my suspicions. Amy was concerned when I told her as this behaviour is often a cat’s way of saying there’s something wrong. After coffee, I can back and set up the litter tray and stick him in it and he started peeing immediately. I put a tissue under him and could see that there was no blood which is usually an indicator of some problem. Then he went and sat at the sliding door and looked out at Tangmo who had come into the garden when I came home. It was then I realised that yesterday Tangmo had chased Cap into the house and so maybe Cap was reluctant to go outside to pee and decided that the mattress was the best replacement. Recently I’ve been leaving the gate open overnight so it’s possible Tangmo has been here during the night and maybe chased our cats inside from time to time and made them afraid. I noticed Tigger being indoors more recently and I thought it was just due to the heat but perhaps it’s all connected with Mo. I wish he was a calm dog and could be friends with our cats, but we don’t have much choice as he’s not ours. I’ll be keeping the gate shut more now though.
What is happening around me right now?
I’m sitting in Tid Doi Tid Din having just finished some lunch. I needed a full food hit to keep me going today so ate green curry salmon with rice and cabbage in fish sauce. Not sure if it’s enough to buck my energy up but at least it’s a fresh range of vitamins and minerals.
I’m sitting at a corner table next to the window and near the door. Outside, cars and trucks speed past on the highway only about ten feet from where I’m sitting behind big plate glass and in the cold air conditioning. Outside looks hot and I can’t decide if I want to go to Daytripper to see if they have banoffee or not. I’m enjoying the aircon as I see students on motorbikes (3-up) at the U-turn burning their bare exposed legs in the sun or on the bike’s exhaust.
There are not many customers here but enough to keep the staff on the move. This restaurant is kind of attached to the hotel behind it from which it draws most of its custom. I haven’t been here for about three years though do very occasionally order delivery from here. It’s expensive for the students and across the highway I can see a plethora of white shirts and black pants and skirts in the local food shop with 30 baht plates.
The environment inside is appealing, a mix of modern with traditional wood finishes and floors. The wall opposite me is lined with rows and rows of bottles of wine and beer and by the door the clunky PC and keyboard that controls everything.
Today I’m feeling:
Reasonable. I’d like to go for a bike ride but it’s so hot with high UV plus the air is still a little hazy so views from up the mountains aren’t so clear. I feel like these April holidays are kinda useless.
Today I’m grateful for:
The step ladder that I use around the garden. Today, to cut back the vine and fold back part of the roof that got messed up in the last storm. It seemed urgent as the skies darkened and distant rumbling approached but then just as quick the clouds disappeared and bright a scorching sun came out. Looks like I’ll have to water again this afternoon.
The best thing about today was:
The neighbour’s kids all came into the driveway to ride their bikes whilst I was watering the garden and they all laughed and played when I sprayed them with water. They’re all between 6 and 9 years old. Full of life and energy, full of hope.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Came back for morning coffee to find that Cap had thrown up on my old 1984 diary and songbook. Perhaps not too much damage, though a lot of the diary was written in tiny felt tip which is already hard enough to read so there may be even more illegible writing there to strain my eyes. What can I do? It’s one of the reasons I’m working to get all this digitised as quickly as I can.
Something I learned today?
The 2nd biggest bank in the US has gone under. I don’t really know what this means, like what happens next or why it happened in the first place but it seems to be occurring often right now.
What has keeping a journal taught me?
As a daily habit, it has helped me get thoughts out of my head, whether good or bad and into paper. When I review these over time they give me an idea of my long-term growth.
After writing all that yesterday, I went back in the house, and Amy was belligerently drunk, and talk soon gave way to raised voices and frustration. I really don’t enjoy talking with her when she is drunk like that, and my default mode is to cower away and avoid escalating further. I’m a wimp in that respect, I know.
Amy got very sad and unhappy, once again unable to see the good things in our life and only able to concentrate her thoughts around the negative things around – things which have very minimal impact on us. Amy used to be a happy drunk but now is ending up crying a lot more often and then drinking again because she feels sad.
Unfortunately, all this kept me awake at night, so I had very little sleep – whilst Amy had passed out by that time. In the morning, Amy was still very sad, remorseful and apologetic. We talked about things, and she realises that it is a problem that only she can fix and it’s in her head. She thought to stop drinking again for a while and to cut down on social media too.
It has become obvious to me that always looking at how terrible the world is, whilst something we would like to fix, just makes us feel more powerless and frustrated. This is why I stopped reading so much news many years ago, occasionally slipping back into that negative cycle but then catching myself and removing myself again.
4th Mar 2025 – As I add this entry to the blog, I decided to delete the two Telegram channels that I follow for news.
After all that, I struggled my way to work and actually had a productive and enjoyable day. When I got home, I was greeted by the neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, as often happens, and he brought more smiles to my face and cheered Amy a little too.
No dreams to report today. I got home this morning and chucked down a couple of tablets and quickly fell into a codeine coma. Woke up 9 hours later feeling totally refreshed. The day of Australia Day is over and now I’m just working through the double-time overtime night.
Amy has been picking through catalogues of tiles as we start thinking about the details of our house. There still feels like a lot of work to be done but the contract is to have it finished in the next two months. In those two months, I will eventually have quit my job and left Australia. It still feels less than real. I’m not as stressed as I should be!
I continue to write up the 1994 diary entries, up to the end of March so far. I had a habit of writing with no paragraphs or breaks and when typing without capitals too. It’s a pain to keep track of where I’m up to in the text.
Each entry brings back evocative memories and it’s interesting to compare those times with these. Do I not feel stressed this time because I have some idea of what I’m getting into this time? When I moved to Australia I would say it took me a good 18 months to feel settled. I missed all my friends and the things we got up to before I left, knowing that it would be a long time before we would be able to do those things again.
This time is a little more detached. It’s like we’ve already done the move but I’m not quite there yet. As I’m just quietly beavering away in Adelaide I’m not thinking about partying my way to the last day. Australia is a great country to live in really. It has its fair share of problems but it has greater potential possibilities too. I may be tipping my rose-tinted glasses somewhat. Either way, the future is now.
I feel like I’m getting more and more insane! Everything means so much today – why so serious? Why can’t I relax? Feeling disconnected from my body – wonder if it’s something serious or just my stupid self hurting me?
Feel like getting everything completed – wrap it up. Where do I belong now? What am I running from? Where am I running to? What’s the big plan? Why has it missed me?
Am comforted by the thought that probably millions of others feel isolated in the same way. I want to live a simple life – how can I do it knowing all the comforts I have around me? I feel guilty for the world’s burden!
1994ever 