Bang Bang, You’re Dead – 9th March 2024

With great spirit
She fought the world
Thought against her
Yet the world was indifferent
When she left

Submitted to Sammi Scribbles

Inspired by news this morning that one of my young female students didn’t come home last night and was seen drunk posting on Instagram. Her name is connected with the poem’s title.

Like all my troublesome students, she reminds me of myself at that age. We fail to see that others want to help us and believe that we know better.

I hope she is safe and that the title doesn’t become a reality.


Today I’m feeling:

Super tired. I slept for about ten hours and when I woke up Amy started asking me questions and I could feel that my brain wasn’t working yet. I couldn’t think what to say!

The air is thick this morning and the mountains are barely visible, my nose blocked and bloody. I guess all the talk of countering the air pollution this year can’t overcome the actual problem. Let’s pray for rain, for all the good that prayer has ever done.

Today I’m grateful for:

An evening out for a change, trying this new restaurant Friendcation. It’s a fancy, expensive, beautiful place. The owners obviously have money though we can’t see how they can make profit yet. Chiang Rai isn’t quite ready yet but in the future they could be perfectly placed to do well.

The best thing about today was:

Reading more about British colonialism in the afternoon. I’m really enjoying this book, though it is hard going with the language used. Once I get into the rhythm of it though I don’t want it to end.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy and I left the restaurant at about 10:45 and Amy wanted to go to The Hideout Bar to check it out. 

I was just tired and wanted to come home though. I didn’t see the point in us having to go tonight when we can go there at any other time to check it out. 

As I was the driver I came home and listened to Amy complaining to along the way.

Something I learned today?

I heard that Pang made it home after her friends heard that the police were going to get involved. Not sure what the fallout from this will be.

I took this picture because this was the pleasant Mediterranean garden environment for our dinner this evening,

Beyond The Threshold – 6th February 2024

Won’t you let me in?
Open heart, open door
A warm welcoming

Wanting little more
Than a hand to hold here
As we cross the floor

Overcome our fear
Let’s go through together
Our intentions clear

In silk and feather
We find ourselves humming
A friend forever

Won’t you let me….

Fake Flamenco: Thursday Doors


Today I’m feeling:

Like I haven’t slept enough. I could easily curl up and snooze for a bit but hopefully, this coffee will kick-start the morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having things to read while sitting around doing nothing at school this afternoon whilst the Thai teachers were keeping the kids occupied.  After an hour and a half though I snuck out and didn’t bother signing out either.  Hopefully, that doesn’t come back to bite me but Scout week is one of those frustrating wastes of time for us foreign teachers.

The best thing about today was:

Amy’s dinner of fried rice with fish sausage, crunchy cabbage, carrot and topped off with a perfectly fried egg.  Since I started just eating breakfast and skipping lunch I’ve been able to easily adapt to eating rice almost every day at dinner time.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Despite having to show groups of 8-10-year-olds over and over again how to tie knots this morning and itching to get out for more coffee it wasn’t actually too bad.  David and I had fun with the kids, some of whom were hilarious. 

It was interesting to notice how much better their English is than the kids we actually teach who are up to 5 years older.  We finished up at around 11.30 and I was happy to get away by then.

Something I learned today?

From Stephen Fry’s SubStack he talked about how in a group of twenty people, for example, there will be a leader, a clown, a know-it-all, a shy one, a complainer, a rebel etc and then if you take all the leaders and put them into a group, all the rebels into a group and so on, within each group they will soon revert back to having a leader, a clown, a know-it-all etc

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

In the morning I met Waiz’s younger sister who always runs up to me for a fist bump.  I had just been given a scout scarf and asked her to ‘do it’ for me because I wasn’t sure how.  She then folded it up and put it on me as she had been taught to do.  It didn’t look great but I kept wearing it because she had done it for me.

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO –  12. Money Isn’t Important. It really isn’t. But you have to train yourself not to care about money. Don’t become too dependent on the stuff you own; otherwise, the stuff will own you.

Money is important when you want to do things.  As I’ve aged I’m starting to want to do less. 

As I write that I question myself whether that is true or not.  Sure some things have dropped off but I still have stacks of music that I haven’t properly listened to yet.  Years and years worth of books and comics that I wish to read. 

So perhaps I should say that I refined some of the things that I want to do.  I want to read more than travel but hell, I’d still like to travel.  I guess I’m taking the easier path more often these days.  But I also see doing less as more suitable to my age. 

Damn, I’m conflicted with this because I’m always imploring people to do something, to do more!  The dichotomy of life in Thailand is rubbing off on me!

I took this picture because our two boys often spend the afternoons dozing in the boxes on their cat castles, often swapping places depending on who gets there first.

Tabula Rasa – 24th November 2023

Born empty, yet complete
A whole thing of being
A clean slate to begin
Eyes open for the seeing
Entropy now underway
Holes puncture the slate
Until the whole is empty
No longer able to create

5th Jun 2024 – Submitted to FOWC with Fandango


Today I’m feeling:

Pretty reasonable, though exercise was a bit of a struggle this morning. Just a tiny tickly dry cough left and there’s little pain from the tooth extraction but just a little bit of a weird feeling in my mouth.

Today I’m grateful for:

A kind of family dinner at Amy’s folk’s house. I ate as soon as I arrived after school as I had only had a few spoonfuls of yoghurt in the morning. Amy rode out to get me some fish congee which was what the dentist suggested for a couple of days whilst the hole in my gum heals. Everyone else was running around preparing food and then ate outside but I ran inside because of the hundreds of busy mosquitoes.

The best thing about today was:

It seems more common these days to not have anything stand out in particular but just to be generally having a good day all day. This is reflective of a more positive and healthy attitude all round.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In my last class one of my students advised me that everyone had to be out of the building by 4.30 because the pest control people were coming to spray. 

I don’t know why it is that we have to wait for our students to inform us of what is going on in the school but I’ve gotten used to it by now. 

Something I learned today?

Sadly Kru Fang will leave our school on Monday which is such a shame as she has been the most helpful and friendly teacher of all in our building. I like her a lot. Nothing stays the same.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Despite feeling tired during the day I was still happy to accept Amy’s message that we would eat at her parent’s for dinner.

Arriving after finishing school, Amy directed me to walk Leo and though I was hoping to relax for a minute I got over it quickly and let Leo pull me along as he snuffled in any interesting pile of leaves and dirt that he came across. He gives few clues about what is going on his head.

After finishing dinner I was keen to get home but Amy needed some baking ingredient that we needed to go back into the city for. I took it in my stride, even after the first shop we tried being closed and the second shop not having any stock and rushing to the third shop before it closed where finally she got it. I was satisfied with a nice soft cake that I found at the second stop and I think that kept me going.

I sent congratulations to Funfai for more medal-winning tennis and get-wells to Nut, Lin and Baipad.

I sent supportive messages to Aum and Ice because I saw them both enjoying my class of tongue twisters and helping other students.


I managed to go another day without taking a picture. I guess I had opportunities here and there but I did spend a lot of time either in class or in House and distracted with other things like reading or studying Thai.

I feel a little like I’m accustomed now to my environment here in Thailand. It’s not as novel as it once was though I do still appreciate what is around me. I need to get on my bike again soon and go exploring.

Rorts and Payers – 27th July 2022

Your mindless, meaningless sympathy
Does nothing for those in need
A charitable chunk of donations
Was never seen to stop the bleed
Thoughts and prayers, those empty words
Won’t disturb your life serene
Never stopped to consider your action
Won’t make your dirty hands clean
For every heartstring, there’s a scam
So that we may never be as one
The status quo has removed benevolence
And so nothing ever gets done


A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.

Saul Bellow

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to go to Phayao after school yesterday with a great dinner by the lake as the sun was setting. It was very relaxing.

Next Life – 25th July 2022

Always thinking about the next life
As if that will be the roses you expect
Forget the work, turn down the effort
It’s an internal rejection that you accept


There are moments when one has to choose between living one’s own life, fully, entirely, or dragging out some false, shallow degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.

Oscar Wilde

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have a nice early dinner of special food at Amy’s parents, joined by Takky, Nut and Bruno. It was a pleasant evening with lots of chat.

Defenders of the world we make believe in – 5th February 2020

This morning’s breakfast was interrupted by a special cat delivery of a small baby bird. Once extracted from her mouth the bird attempted to fly away but couldn’t get too far. Some missing feathers, some blood and maybe a broken wing. Better the delivery was already dead. Now we will guiltily try to nurse this baby back to health or comfort it to its demise.

When bleeding lizards and frogs are delivered we simply throw them back in the long grass. What makes us more sympathetic towards some animals over others? In the same way, meat eaters think it’s disgusting to eat cats and dogs. Why I can justify eating fish to myself?

On returning home in the afternoon, the baby bird had indeed demised. The killer (pictured above in gentler days) strutted around oblivious to Amy’s admonishments and sadness. It was dinner time. “Feed me!”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to see the sunrise over the hills. This morning I videoed it for a couple of minutes. It was beautiful.

To-do list

  • Always keep a look out for photo opportunities ½
  • Finish week 5 Coursera ½
  • Write new blog post ✅
  • Buy a small cutting knife somewhere
  • 3 acts of kindness ½

After waking up feeling reasonably well, doing some squats and meditation, I enjoyed my breakfast and videoed the sunrise.

I felt a little dizzy but nothing too bad. I sat down at my desk at school and without even realising, sat reading, coughing and sneezing all the while. Kru Noon gave me some ginger and lemongrass tea and honey and lemon water for which I was grateful. However, my symptoms just got worse along with an annoying headache.

As I was at school already I decided to do my lessons and go to the doctor and get checked up at 2.30 pm. My first lesson deteriorated and I totally lost my temper with the class. It had the desired effect of shutting them up for a bit but I don’t think it served any of us very well.

I calmed down for the next two classes but couldn’t wait to leave. The doctor said it’s just a common cold and gave me some medicine but I decided not to go to school tomorrow as I have to be well to drive to Chiang Mai on Friday. So, all alarms off and time for a good sleep, hopefully.

I got some bits and pieces done today but just ended up watching a movie when I got home. It was Burden of Dreams. The story of the making of Fitzcarraldo. Both films are great and it’s amazing how the story of the movie is replicated in real life.

Tomorrow I won’t push myself too much.

Every time I ever cried for fear was just a mistake that I made – 25th November 2019

What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.

I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.

I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.

I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.

Don’t know what they’re doing but they laugh a lot – 28th February-5th March 2018

Another busy day taking care of business on our house building site, which often just involves sitting around and answering questions about what should go where, and we’re off in the evening for a dinner/birthday party near Mae Chan.  The dinner is for one of Amy’s friends who is visiting from Bangkok, for her father’s birthday.  I drive Amy and 3 other girl friends, up the highway, down some small farmland back roads passing new paddy fields and ending up on a small farm estate in this beautiful valley wilderness.

As I’m already used to with Amy and her friends getting together it is a non-stop barrage of noise which I’m mostly glad I can’t comprehend.  Soon the food and beer are flowing and I’m quickly drunk enough to try a few deep-fried crickets.  They seem pretty tasteless though I’m reassured they are a perfect accompaniment to beer but I prefer the mix of chilli with beer, to be honest.  Maybe the crickets are better when eaten fresh and still crunchy.  Will try again one day.  Maybe.

I cheer everyone along including the birthday dad and his brother who are particularly amazed that I am 50 years old, thinking that I was only 30.  They decide to welcome me as their son-in-law and later, drunker, as their daughter.

We hit it off so well, and I’m made to feel so welcome here that my new dad plays some tunes on a traditional instrument for me, after which he takes me out the back of the shed and invites me to pee on his fields anytime I need – a special privilege it seems.

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Both the dad and brother run farmland in an organic way by using nature to counteract pests to allow proper growth.  I’m invited to come along for lessons any time in the future and I think it’s something I’ll end up doing if I have time.  We communicate in mixed sentences of Thai and English and dad grows more fond of me with each drink.  He’s starting to flag it a bit though and I offer to take him up the hill to his home.  But when we get there his son is drinking whisky with his friends and I’m invited to sit for a shot.  I eventually get the old man to his room where he lights up a cigarette and continues to pour out his affection.  Eventually, I make it back to the food and drink but by now I’m so far out of it that I blank out anything else the evening brings, except for one pee stop on the way home.  Amy drove home of course, not me!

The following day is a complete write off for me though we go back to the house to answer any more questions and I sleep quietly on a mat on the tiled floor in the corner of what will be our living room.

My days now will be repetitious with going to Home Mart type stores and picking accessories as they are required, hoping that our selections make sense when jammed all together in our house.  Does a red front door go better than blue?  Who knows?  Over the next month, we will find out.

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One afternoon we have to get back to take Amy’s grandmum (on her dad’s side) to get an injection at the clinic.  She has an open appointment and dad says to go at 5pm.  Now, this is a fine example of how it’s possible that some people’s brains are wired differently, as discussed in a previous post.  Dad doesn’t consider to confirm this appointment and as he and mum are out for the evening it is up to Amy and me to take grandmum.  When we get there the clinic is, of course, closed.  Amy complains quietly to me that this always happens with her dad and she gets frustrated cos everyone gets angry with her when she makes a fuss about it.  But it’s a huge waste of time for us and no apology is offered.

Worse still is that when we wake up in the morning both mum and dad are out for the day and although it isn’t stated it is expected that we will take grandmum when the clinic opens again today, despite all the things that we have to do too.  But we do so and for this, we are not even rewarded with a word of thanks.

Amy complains that dad never offers to clean up dishes or more female related housework and anytime she says anything her grandmum will scold her.  It is obvious that grandmum has spoiled and coddled him all through his life, much as she does with Amy’s brother too.  It reminds me of the time Amy complained to her boss about the behaviour of the barista where she worked in Sydney and the boss said to ignore it as he’s ‘just a boy’.  What fun it must be to go through life just as a boy.

In other news, I’m adjusting myself to the ways of the slipper.  Thai houses are shoes off but slippers are offered as you enter, many shops do this too.  I’ve soon learned that tie up shoes are time wasting and having to learn the little kick to shove off my slip-ons and step delicately into the slipper shuffle.  I now understand the shuffle of my friends in Malaysia.  The shuffle is required as you don’t get the slipper or thong on in the first go but work it up your toes as you shuffle along.  You may then continue shuffling so that your shoes don’t suddenly come flying off.  I haven’t quite mastered it yet but I’m getting there.  I’ve even started thinking about where the pile of shoes and slippers are going to end up in our house when it’s ready.

And in a final piece of funny events, I had a laugh when shopping in the supermarket yesterday.  I’m not usually one to laugh at miswritten statements on t-shirts in Asia as I believe it shows an ignorance on both sides of the coin.  But this one made me chuckle.  I’m guessing this aunty was in her 50s and her shirt read ‘I WANT TO SEE YOU FUCKING DIE!’  We’d probably be arrested for wearing this shirt in Australia or the UK and I do hope that she actually did understand the words on her shirt cos that would make her truly punk rock.

Here’s the sunset from our bedroom window.  Enjoy your day, wherever you are.

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*Mad Turks – 14th July 1998

Email to TLJ

So how’d ya go last night – wuz the food any good – or did it put you in hospital (and that’s why you din’t ring me – cos I waited up for ya (making you feel bad?)). Anyway I still got to sleep without yr lullabies. I cooked a beautiful dinner and there’s some left if ya wanna come and join me for it tonight – or do you have a better offer?

Now you’re on the phone…