Highly curated, carefully selected and specifically ordered for your listening edification by world-renowned DJtenzenmen, who has over 50 years of experience in this business.
This week there’s music from Flower Travellin’ Band, The Spy From Cairo, Autechre, Incredible String Band, Delmonas 5, Eat Avery’s Bones, Bukkake Moms, Et Cetera, Montreal, Present, The Hold Steady and The Dismemberment Plan.
Intro and background music by Utotem.
Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.
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26th Sept 2021 – It feels like nothing much has happened in the intervening year but it also feels like doing the podcast was more than a year ago. I have discovered much more new music to enjoy in the last 12 months but find myself reading books more often these days and I don’t have the brain power to do both at the same time anymore.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a guitar again. I’ll never be a great player, maybe not even a good one, but I can enjoy playing and practising at my own pace.
It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.
I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.
I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.
Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.
I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.
I love you Kimi.
I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.
To-do list
Passwords for Amy ✅
Investigate emotional control ½
Be nice to people you don’t like
Go to gym after work
Look at G’s lesson plans ✅
I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.
I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.
Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.
I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.
Another busy week of back and forth. I’m slowly getting into the rhythm of the hours and the days. A weekly rhythm is illusive still but that’s fine, most days I have no idea what day it is. It’s a big change from sitting around in an air-conditioned office, staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, though I do spend a bit of more time looking at my phone these days.
One time last week Amy came to me laughing after having talked with the electrician at our house. Apparently, he had heard, from someone around in the village, that I was a professional football player from Australia! I can guess that this came from the village store where I’d been a total of once at that time.
I trekked up there again to buy beer for our workers after one long day where I did a lot of back-breaking weeding. There’ll be more of that to come for sure, barely scratched the surface. Anyway, I managed to convey that I needed 12 cold beers and that they were all for Amy, whilst I was just having a yoghurt drink. They complimented me on the house and then said how hot the weather was. Well, it’s small talk but I’m getting there slowly when I’m allowed off my leash. I wonder what gossip that visit generated as I trudged in in my boots and sweat-ridden clothes. We shall see.
Talking about being let off the leash, whilst I’ve been happily driving around in Amy’s mum’s car, or dad’s truck, I was granted permission to ride the motorcycle. Usually just at night when it’s quieter and we never go too far anyway. Amy had been riding with me on the back and I think she was finding it hard to control with the extra weight, better to let me ride instead.
I think she almost changed her mind on the first few runs though. The motorcycle is somewhat dilapidated and the front brake doesn’t work at all. It took me a while to master the gear changes, whilst also using the gears to brake half the time. I decided we’ll get an automatic bike when we get round to getting our own. Much simpler. I need simple these days.
Sometimes, Tigger is chill. Sometimes.
The weather has been pretty good as far as I’m concerned. Even on the hot days, it wasn’t too much of a bother but I know it will get much more sticky and hot next month. The evenings, as the sun is setting, are perfect. We rode out to the old airport where folks young and old walk, run and ride up and down the runway, to get a bit of exercise in. Has to wrap up before the sun disappears though as there is no other light there at all. A few vendors have figured it’s a good place to make some money on water and various other drinks.
We walked past a group of about 30 teenage boys playing football, shirts vs skins, and I watched them for a bit, noticing the topless fat boy at the nearest corner. A few seconds later the ball came his way with a long floating kick from midfield. This was his chance for glory. But he had his back to the ball and facing towards us. His team all screamed at him, ‘Fatty, wake up and stop checking out the farang’s wife’, talking about Amy. Everyone laughed and we kept on strolling.
We met up with Goi, one of Amy’s old school friends, as we were walking and they chatted whilst I called up my cousin Sharon to see how she’s doing back in England, now that things are not quite so frantic with her looking after my mum. She asked if I felt bereaved and I said I didn’t really, things have just been too busy to even think about it too deeply, though I was always reminded of mum whenever I took photos of unusual plants and flowers. Sharon said to send them to her instead which I had planned to do anyway.
Later, when Amy and I were having dinner, she told me about Goi’s life and her worries about health, money and the future. Similar to another friend who is also raising a child, around 8 or so years old each. We are sympathetic to their situations as they ask about ours and why we don’t want kids. For us, the answer is obvious, we don’t want to have the same worries and concerns that they are now having. For some reason, it doesn’t make sense to them.
After the football incident, we are also constantly discussing the fact that some people around they city stare at us – a lot! We can understand people’s curiosity but some people literally gawp, mouth wide and follow us as we walk past. Foreigners are not that uncommon around town or even out in the countryside these days and we think maybe it’s because Amy doesn’t look like the traditional Thai girl a lot of foreigners seem to go for. I decided that next time it happens I will softly say in Thai, ‘Excuse me, what is it that you are staring at?’ The only downfall to this plan is that if they answer, I probably won’t be able to understand.
Whilst our garden is a constant battle against weeds, our next challenge will be the constant battle against insects, particularly, ants. Ants are everywhere in Amy’s parent’s house. Whatever is built they will find a way in. I don’t have anything against ants, as far as I know, none of them are dangerous, the thing that freaks me out with them is that sometimes, in low light and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks like the walls or floor are moving and I’m reminded of tripping on mushroom tea. And it makes me want mushroom tea! The ants and the weeds will take over this world. They are unstoppable. We planted 5 small Jacaranda trees this week. Fingers crossed they take root, survive and maybe in a few years time even flower.
Well, there’s only one place to go on New Year’s Eve and that’s the big city, so we end up at Libby and Dougie’s via Hornsby where P_ is looking after Ben and James (not that Ben needs looking after) and then on train to Cathy’s (remember you have to be mad to drive in Sydney and we don’t feel like it today which will be one of the busiest days of the year).
Cathy’s mad though and drives us into the city where we all settle into a long night of drinking cocktails, beer and champagne and smoking cones, playing party games and being too drunk to be coherent.
At nine or so I manage to convince everyone who can to come up the road to see the fireworks that go off in the harbour and on the bridge. They last for about half an hour and though our view is obscured slightly by a big gum tree they look magnificent in the dry night sky. The bridge we can see clearly though and that goes off with magnificent cascades and fountains of sparks imitating the previous storms.
We stumble back drunk and happy, high on life, chatting furiously and continue with party games and more merriment ’til time comes to wish each other a happy new year and we’re into 1995.
And the first thing I can remember of this new year is a glorious hangover.
Christmas Eve? Weird. It’s raining outside and grey and dreary but it’s not Christmas less your wrapped up in sweaters and tucked in bed with all the heaters on, and despite all the grey rain it’s still warm enough to walk around with a t-shirt on.
We’re still getting the house in order through the day, and early afternoon Broni’s mum and dad, with G_ pay us a visit. They’ve brought us everything else from Bathurst including a fridge – we’re nearly a house ‘cepting furniture still but they do bring the futon too, so now we nearly have a bed.
We feel great building up our new home slowly and gradually and we feel like we’re in a place we’d like to stay for a while.
As quick as they came they left, like a whirlwind and far too difficult for us to make head or tail of – that’s the Smith experience! But hey, dad Smith made an attempt to fix our washing machine but ended up running off with the pump to fix, that guy should slow down (though we’re very thankful for his efforts).
We finish off the day filling the fridge with food, eating some of it and slipping in a bottle of champagne just to see if the christmas spirit will make itself more clear.
2nd Apr 2021 – Since moving out of home, I forget which year – 1992 maybe – and meeting Bronwyn, we ended up living in 17 different places in the space of two years (including moving to the other side of the world). This house was no different as we only ended up staying for 6 months though I forget the reason we ended up leaving this one, maybe a rent increase. I know the next place we lived, an apartment in Gosford, on a hill overlooking the lake was a great place and I loved it there. The bathroom was windowless, stuck in the middle of the whole space and I remember drinking champagne and reading Homer’s The Iliad out loud whilst sitting in the bath. Alas we didn’t even make it through the six month contract in this place as we ended up back in the apartment in Allawah in Sydney.
The pace is slow, the sun is hot, we are moving along, shuffling…. our feet in slow motion, that’s what you get for staying up til two in the morning to watch the beer run out and playing midnight cricket in the street, just a few hours before, some screaming abduction takes place outside waking up those who’d rather be asleep (I did, though, sleep right through it!).
So, we had a rip roaring night and I met another of Broni’s old circle of friends, a guy called Noel, who I chatted to most of the evening. He reminds me of PJ, with his quiet soft spoken voice, so whispery sometimes a struggle to hear. Libby and Dougie their usual mad dog selves, running around feeding us and drinking us (under the table).
The screamings of Woolloomooloo go on around us as we’re tucked in the back yard, away from the eyes of the world but not the eyes of the neighbours, just us and the cockroaches. Stories are spun and topics discussed and we hit politics late on and realise we are too drunk to carry on and already feel the fear of the headache in the morning.
29th Mar 2021 – A few years later Bronwyn witnessed a murder on these streets. As she was sleeping in that top room of Libby’s house, screams woke her and in the morning discovered that a murder had occurred right outside the door. A homeless had been beaten to death. Homeless people were being victimised often around this time as things geared up for the Olympics. A couple of months before the Olympics started all the homeless people were rounded up and dumped in the Blue Mountains and told not to come back until after it was over (or preferably not at all). Bronwyn was later called to testify at the murder trial.
Pic: First passenger train to cross the Sydney Harbour Bridge – I love finding old photos like this online.
Today we went up to the north of the city, getting a train over the Harbour Bridge, up to see Cathy in Artarmon, again up to the north the views from the train are a bit more pretty than our usual journey.
Her friend Robert comes round and we head off in the car, this time back into the city to go to St Mary’s church to see a friend of theirs get married, not officially invited we just sit at the back.
We watched the big limo pull up and the bride had to faff around waiting for photos to be taken of her and her bridesmaids, then she walked up the steps and into the church and then a few minutes later down the aisle. It felt really voyeuristic to watch and it was odd seeing Japanese tourists come and go while the priest was mumbling away.
The echo was awful (remember how I described how big this place is?) and they set up a microphone and a couple of speakers for the priest which may help in some parts of the building but at the back it just turned into an echoey mumble, we left about halfway through, slightly disappointed that such a magnificent building didn’t seem to make for a good ceremony. We got a few ideas from it in that it showed us a few things that we don’t want at our wedding.
Kathy drove us all the way home and it was good to have someone else in the house for a change. It was teatime* by the time they left and we realised we hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so whipped up some food and alcohol and lazed away the evening watching crumby TV and playing games on the computer, which Broni was proud to win.
17th Mar 2021: It’s funny seeing the word teatime now. Definitely a hold over from English culture and something I no longer use.
Ah, the feelings of love flow like electricity when we are in union. Be it physically or spiritually or mentally. It’s great to experience these emotions. She really is a soulmate partner.
Yesterday after protein refuelling we lazily escaped our luxurious confinement and got in the old tin box work van, petrol paid, and merrily made our way up the old well trodden road. How many times had I made this journey now? Who knows? But most of the journey’s have been worthwhile. We turned on the radio and sang all songs we knew. Our mad day was beginning to catch up with my baby and by the time we got there I could tell she was a bit reticent about going to this gig tonight.
I thought we could go elsewhere as I’d never heard the band either (The Wizards of Twiddly). We phoned up Rob and arrange to go pick him up. When we got there we both immediately picked up the acoustic guitars Rob had laying around and showed him our hopeless talents!
Well, we hightailed it back down the roadways to that ever friendly pub the Joiners. The band went on fairly soon and really knocked our socks off. Their moniker really describes their music. Bizarre twists and styles had us in superlatives after their first set. We came up with comparisons like Zappa, Tar Babies, Cardiacs but they had their own style and flair. We bought everything they had for sale! After the second set we were fairly stunned stupid. Such a great band.
We made a vague attempt to get into the Crown and Sceptre but couldn’t get past the gorilla and his girlfriend on the door. This didn’t dampen our spirits though and we went back to Rob’s and played guitars, drank tea and coffee and heard the final tape for the Thirst 7″.
Along the way back home we lost an hour as the clocks went forward so we didn’t actually touchdown home till 2.45am! Needless to say Bronwyn slept on the way home, sweetly tucked onto my shoulder. She even slept as she walked from the van to the house! Bottom lip nearly on the ground but smiling when I laughed. I stayed up and chatted with John and drank coffee before slipping quietly into bed, half three-ish.
With no time and no space and no schedule and no place And we pass right through it without a trace And sometimes that music drifts through my car On a spring night when anything is possible And I close my eyes and I nod my head And I wonder how you’ve been and I count to a hundred and ten Because you’ll always be my hero, even if I never see you again
Hey you – what you looking at! Took my sweetheart some flowers yesterday and left them at work for her to discover today – romantic old thing that I am! It was hard to keep the secret but it brought several smiles to my face throughout.
Broni had a bad day yesterday so we got drunk to celebrate, Kerry being our taxi.
Several other minor incidents probably occurred but wrist will hurt if I tell in more detail. So stop looking in here and get your own life!
I sit there in my easy chair, looking at the clouds, orange with celebration And I wonder if you’re out there
1994ever 