Tag: distraction
When news is not information now,
Distraction – 8th January 2025
The media golden penny
Shared and liked by millions
More poisoned than many
And governed by reptilians!
The rabbit’s path is lit
To keep you keen and focus
Enjoying the wade-through shit
Until the shepherd woke us
When the golden penny dropped
Baring the true face of the media
That’s when the distraction stopped
To build your own encyclopedia
The following is a letter from January 8th, 2024, delivered today from the past
Dear FutureMe,
It’s now 30 years since leaving the UK. Now it seems like it doesn’t make much difference. After ten years it was still quite a novelty and being in Australia was still filled with wild emotions. But since then it felt like the UK was no longer something I understood or was a part of.
Though I count Thailand as my home now it is still a little tenuous to stay here and if I leave here in the future it definitely won’t be back to the UK but most likely Australia (unless Amy and I end up somewhere else).
You didn’t write much about this at the time but Amy and her family are going through a typical Thai-style drama at the moment and I wonder if it is all settled by the time of receiving this letter.
Amy’s man-child useless brother and his girlfriend are due to get married. Whilst that should be a cause for celebration we can see that this is not anything to do with love but purely circumstance. When quizzed on his reasons for marriage her brother purely said it was because he was getting old. He said this in front of his bride-to-be.
And so why has she agreed to this?
Part of the condition of marriage is that Amy’s mum will pay off their debts with her newly acquired money from selling her apartments. She will also have to pay a dowry to the bride’s family. So the bride and her family do get some benefit from this arrangement. And what the future might bring for them, who knows?
She now lives in Chiang Rai whilst he is in Bangkok. They don’t talk about anything they are doing and they have no plans for the future. Everything looks like it is just a short-term plan to get out of debt.
Amy’s brother contributes nothing to their family and is selfish beyond belief except for his one or two friends who he treats to food and drink every time they meet. Essentially, he is buying their friendship. His mum and dad treat him like a prince, forgiving him for any wrong he commits.
He’s drunk every day and can’t even piss in the bowl. If he comes to our house again I will instruct him to go piss in the garden.
Amy is obviously upset at the treatment he receives in comparison to the way she is expected to behave. It is a stereotypical patriarchal behaviour that is perpetuated by her parents but not something Amy will stand for. But she also has to bide her time and play the game, so to speak, to make sure that she gets her fair share of inheritance in the future. Otherwise, he is likely to receive everything and even so, he might already end up pissing away the inheritance money before they even expire. We’ve seen it happen in other aunties’ families.
It surely is a frustrating situation though it doesn’t impact me directly at this stage. I just have to be supportive of Amy and listen to her troubles when she needs me.
It’s the start of another year and I’m not much into resolutions or planning for the year, just taking it as it comes. I’m still very happy with my place in the world on an individual basis and hope it can stay that way for the foreseeable future.
I hope this letter finds me still happy and content and maybe even a little wiser.
Take it easy
PastMe
Secret Stairwell Reader – 12th July 2023
A library for escape
Away from toxic adolescence
Give me a book, a cure
Ten-minute convalescence
A silent conversation
With Kurt, Leo or Tim
Sudden shock discovery
Stirs something within
Where I fell in love
Every day, every page turned
Caught like a naughty child
A secret found, unearned
This secret isn’t yours to share
Find your own stairs to sit
Fall in your own love
And be satisfied with it
inspired by the story here on the Spinning Visions blog
Today I’m feeling:
Tired from lack of sleep. Slept well but just not long enough. Hopefully coffee gets me going.
I was having a very nice dream this morning but it was suddenly interrupted by what seemed to be a handsome TV presenter with a gleaming smile. He looked at me sideways and then gave me a wink and a knowing smirk. And my alarm went off!
Did I almost cross over into the Matrix? A glimpse behind the curtain? I actually laughed as I turned my alarm off. It felt like some sort of comfort.
Today I’m grateful for:
Teaching the grade 10 kids first this morning. Even though their English isn’t good, their maturity at least makes them more manageable to teach. They still have concentration issues when it comes to phone management issues. I can’t help but feel that letting them have their phones in class is going to affect them badly in the future unless our societies turn into 5-second functions where they might be ahead of the game.
I think these kids will be in for a rude awakening or have already accepted their fates.
The best thing about today was:
A big beautiful rainstorm from low black clouds as I was driving home. Our poor rusted guttering couldn’t cope with the deluge and I may need to make another venture up onto the roof to see if there is anything blocking it. If there’s not it just means there’s too much rain too quickly to even take care of.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As a follow-on from yesterday’s annoying class, I spent much of the day chasing up lazy kids, offering them help several times and making myself available, all to little avail. Less than half the students bothered to do anything. When the online quiz deadline passed I advised their homeroom teacher again asking what she could do about it and she just said she’d tell them again. She doesn’t get it either. The work for my class is no longer the issue. My two-hour lesson shouldn’t end up as a twenty-four-hour helpline. I asked again what she is going to do to stop them from wasting everyone’s time. I’m not expecting any answer.
Something I learned today?
Chatting with David, he is also frustrated with his classes and the student’s lack of understanding. I do take it as a challenge for me to find better ways to engage the kids but it is exhausting when they are just not interested in developing themselves at all. I think David will quit soon.
When was the last time I felt at ease?
I feel at ease most of the time if I consider it carefully. Sure I can let my classes wind me up but I’m mostly wound down again the following day even if I’m still thinking about it. By that point, I’m thinking up solutions and not getting emotionally caught up in it anymore. I’m not letting things overwhelm me like might have happened in the past.
It is still a rollercoaster of being totally on during the semester and then totally off during the holiday. That transition does feel weird.
Gas Me Up – 4th April 2023
Will you be there? Will you be my friend?
Will you come to the garden that I tend?
Will you gas me up and make me whole?
Guide me to the ground when I lose control
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad but not teary today. As I experience another day with the empty space that Kim used to fill I start to feel like I’m forgetting her already. This is grief and its recovery. I call her name when I go to the bathroom, pretending she is in the walk-in and if I peek around the corner I will see her beautiful eyes staring out from her favourite box.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s mum and dad inviting me out for dinner as Amy’s brother is here for a few days. However, I’m not up for it. I only slept for 6 hours last night, not due to any trouble sleeping, just that I stayed up late and got up early. I will sleep early tonight for sure. Anyway, I appreciate their offer and that they dropped off some food anyway.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Getting a few things done. Distracting myself.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Beyond the usual waiting time at the hospital for my two-minute consultation with the psych which I’m used to now, there was nothing much out of my control. I told him I changed my dose back to a full tablet a couple of weeks ago and also told him about my sadness but that it is not depression and I can tell the difference. I know I have to be careful that I don’t let it develop into depression though but I don’t think it will.
Something I learned today?
I learned that my petulant student Nam is working during her holidays. This kind of makes sense to me as I know she is smart but not academic. I like her a lot despite her attitude towards me sometimes. I love the challenge to make her smile and partake in class even if it is only for brief moments.
What do I love about where I live?
My house feels like home. My village is quiet but I’m still surrounded by convenience or perhaps I’ve just adjusted my activities to what’s available. The temperature is good for about 10 months of the year and the weather is good about the same when there’s no burning. I like the slow pace of life and the countryside environment. There are beautiful hills and valleys to explore and people are kind and curious.
I took this picture because even though we have 100s of photos of Cap there may come a time when we think we never took enough. He’s about 14 years old now and has been with us for all of our (Amy and me) relationship. I fixed up his climbing frame and scratching posts so that he has fresh rope to grip with his nails. He loves to be chased there and will scratch as his purrs echo outwards from the corner walls.
And the light pours out of me – 2nd April 2023
Confusions
This cracked mirror shows
The holes in the heart
Pieces drop to the floor
As the jigsaw falls apart
Put back together again
It’s never quite the same
Like a missing memory
It’s difficult to explain
Reorder, reimagined
Ghosts fill the floors
A handful of smoke
Rushes through closing doors
Voices in the distance
Are illusions of the past
Clear out all the cobwebs
These confusions will not last
Today I’m feeling:
Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should
.
The best thing about today was:
Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.
When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.
As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.
I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?
I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.
Something I learned today?
Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.
What is something I love about this season?
In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.
Twitch – 5th September 2021
Shiny things are conspiring
Upon my mind enquiring
Constantly distracting
Unconsciously reacting
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Takky who gave me gound coffee yesterday. I can’t use it but I will gift it to George.
On Waiting – 28th June 2021
Dull day, inexplainable, darkened skies
Greying mind, inexplicable meaningless whys
Each day, unknowable, a morning shine
Bright mind, lovable, this day divine
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to work out and meditate in Kim’s room and be distracted by her running around like crazy. She makes me smile and distracts me from my own problems.
The Art of Noticing Wall Pictures – 25th May 2021
Forcing myself to notice the pictures and decorations on the walls in different places. Strangely, this was a tough one and it made me realise that I don’t go to many different places, especially during these difficult pandemic times. Of course, it may be that I did go to many places but didn’t notice the pictures on the wall!
Poems on this day
Field of Observation
Warm damp air clings to us
In the middle of our own field
Like quantum theory – look away
A million fireflies are revealed
Lightning flashes on the horizon
Boding well the breeze to come
Buzz on about your business
There’s space here for everyone
Illusions
The grey is not just in the sky
It’s in my head, my half-closed eyes
The passions of yesterday are gone
The words said cannot be undone
This sick mind exaggerating
All my deadly contemplating
A coward stuck in sheep’s clothing
Just wants an end to my self-loathing
To run away, just run and run
To put an end to what’s become
We slowly watched things going sour
Took the pain and gave it power
We mixed it up, caused confusion
Stuck inside this brief illusion
I still love you, I will always love you
How can I ever love myself?
Rocks and Oils
Artificial lines and boundaries
Sought to divide and rule
Keep the savages occupied
Then pour on extra fuel
Some arbitrary borders
Laid down after wars
Pay us to keep the peace
We’ll be back to settle scores
Killed a man a thousand years ago
For this, you’ll one day pay
And grab this dirty rock of yours
Put down a flag and say
‘Get out and stay out’
You’re not welcome here
Our fathers always taught us
You are not what you appear
This Is A Test
Some days I ask myself
Just what am I doing here?
On good days things make sense
But others are not so clear
Sensitive to your words
Your scathing drunken attack
I can’t always shrug it off
Unless you take them back
Regularly we cycle
Through this vicious routine
So here we go again
What does it all mean?
I just wanted to take it easy
Sit back and relax
But then I see you drinking
Preparing your attacks
Let’s sit down and fix it
Make things for the best
Many more years ahead of us
This is just a test
Plus Minus
If I keep writing down these negative thoughts
Am I throwing them out or reinforcing them?
Am I making things worse than they already are
Or should I be symbolically divorcing them?
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful to be able to stand in our garden at night and watch all the fireflies buzzing around. To feel the warm air surround my skin and to stare at the moon and wonder if I could go there. It seems close enough to touch.
The best thing about today was thinking and writing my way out of a funk. Last night, I was a little cranky, and Amy was drinking again. I was in bed, and she came in to play, but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then she bit my face, and I pushed her off me. She felt insulted and complained that I don’t love her anymore and walked out. I was tired and annoyed, and although I was thinking about these words, I was so tired I fell asleep and didn’t even hear Amy come to bed.
I was woken up during the night, having a dream that Amy was getting too friendly with Ben, another of the teachers we know, and after that, it was difficult to get back to sleep.
I snoozed my alarm, and Amy didn’t bother to get up in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I was worried about her still. She said she was the one who should be worried. I get really upset when she’s drinking and says things like ‘you don’t love me anymore’ just because I’m annoyed with her behaviour at the time.
This morning, I couldn’t feel my way out of this darkness, but eventually, by the afternoon,n I was feeling OK. Not brilliant, but OK. However, Amy was in a short and bad mood when I got home due to an upset stomach and problems with something she was trying to bake.
I thought we could go for a drive tomorrow – it’s a holiday here again. Amy asked ‘Where?” but I just don’t care where – just get out of the house and see what is out there. We both know that there is nothing out there but it’s just a distraction from staying home again.
Your house is falling down (The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #67 – Frightened and Scared) – 4th December 2020
This one is not a morning scribble but at night and I want to get some thoughts out before I try to meditate which I didn’t do for a few weeks and I can feel my head whirling, whirling.
Step out, step out! Nothing lasts forever. Step out, step out – demolition – look at it fall down.
Distraction. Music is a distraction and I love it. I love my room – my room from youth and now I return – here in my room. No window, ceiling or floor!
Music, music, music. People in and out. Relationships, people – why do I find it so difficult?
Never mind, I think I’m okay. I’m fine I don’t need to find excuses. Inside my head is okay – when I’m feeling okay – I don’t need anything or anyone – except my one true friend. I love Amy very deeply I’m a little scared if anything happens between us but I know I’ll be okay. Everything is always okay. The world spins. And all those cliches. But anyway – it’s not something I think about really – not something likely to happen as far as I know. Out, out, out, you fleeting thoughts – settle down and breathe deep.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to each of my students for the different ways they make me think. It’s a nice challenge to everything.
Imagine a world where children are not sexually harassed by their teachers…
Now listen…..
This week there’s music from The Nubs, The Sawtooth Grin, Jesus Lizard, Theatre of Hate, Spermicide, Gelbart, Abali, Esmectatons, Radio Myanmar, Big Black, Secret Chiefs 3, Miss Madeline, George Danquah, Karate and OMFO.
Incidentals taken from the Church of the Sub Genius Hour of Slack.
Listen right here or Podbean, Stitcher, Apple, Amazon…..all those cool places I guess.
https://www.facebook.com/The-Chiang-Rai-Alternative-Hour-107307097314670/ (the Facebook page got hijacked!)
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