Tag: doubt

No More Shiny Things – 25th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

What is left to be pursued?
The bigger, brighter things have faded
Realising that there’s nothing new
Has made us all become jaded

No longer entranced by shiny things
It’s all been seen and done before
A mind that’s closing sooner brings
Death knocking at your door

5th Oct 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – pursuant

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and good! I slept early last night and ended up waking a little earlier but as it was still dark I tried to get back to sleep and when I finally got real deep into it again the alarm went off.

I pushed and struggled through exercises telling myself how much better I will feel afterwards. My arms and legs ache at the joints from all the extra work they’ve been doing but ultimately my body feels more together and capable. I can only imagine how I might feel if I had treated myself better in my teens, twenties and thirties.

In my early thirties, I started going to the gym after work and then straight to the beach to bodyboard. I always felt great after that but rewarded myself by drinking. One step forward, one step back.

Today I’m grateful for:

The nice taxi driver that took drunk Amy home from the city this evening. It reminds me that most people are ok.

The best thing about today was:

Messaging with Nong Mee and getting an update on how she is doing as I rarely see her these days. She is the girl who swallowed a bunch of pills last semester. She said she is doing better and that even when she feels down she knows both myself and some of her friends are there to support her. I was heartened to read that and happy for her too.

Something I learned today?

I read in Derek Sivers’s book Hell Yeah Or No that our beliefs and understanding of the world are based on our location. 

Obvious, true, but the point was that when you go to foreign places, the people there grow up with their own set of beliefs and understanding. Rather than take the approach that our way is best we need to unlearn our own beliefs and accept different ones. 

Even knowing your way is better it’s not appropriate to try and change something blatantly. Gradually, exposure on both sides will find some kind of agreement.

I know I struggled with this when I started teaching in Thailand. Of course, I want to improve things for the lives of those I’m teaching. I no longer think I can do that with words but rather through actions and just being.

Quote: Day by day, what you do is who you become. – Heraclitus

I guess it’s obvious. But when you are in the middle of being you, and always believing you are right, the obvious becomes obscured. 

Since my late teens, I became less confident in the things that I knew. Doubt crept into everything. 

For a long time, I considered myself a fence sitter, often admiring those who held strong beliefs. Now I have come around to the fact that the fence is often the best place to be. The wind can blow in different directions. Whilst there may be universal truths everything else is always up for debate.

How did I practice stillness?

I’m going to say that I practice this when I’m reading. I know my brain is still active but I am usually focused within the story, almost out of body.

Even when I do meditation my brain struggles to calm though I do generally feel less stressed after. I know it’s a matter of practice. I don’t think I’m in a state of stress that requires me to counter it with converted efforts towards stillness really.

I took this picture because after I finished my class around 4 pm I ended up playing volleyball with Nicha and one of the boys and got soaked with sweat as there is no cover in the playground at the moment. The sun kept appearing through the broken clouds along with the already high humidity. Nicha joked about how cold she was when I tried to block the sun with my hand. I didn’t even really cool down in the aircon of the car on the drive home and the house was already stinking inside so I tried to cool down with a shower but even that was a struggle. Then, seemingly suddenly, it got dark and proceeded to rain heavily non-stop for about thirty minutes resulting in all this water sitting on top of the soil under the trees, the ground already too waterlogged to soak up more. The rain has calmed down a little now but is still coming down with no sign of it stopping just yet.

My Cockroaches – 15th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lizards are my cockroaches
Skittering everywhere
Hiding in dark corners
Always on a tear
Cats always chasing
Mostly without reward
Lizard shit on everything
Cannot be ignored
Second life and tailless
Laying eggs in sheets
Cute little babies run
And so it all repeats

We are so focused on improving our lives, we forget how to live them.

paraphrase Alan Watts

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Breaking routine and going to Sammakhi to meet Kamboom instead of going home straight after classes. Sometimes it takes an effort to get out of my comfort zone.
The best thing about today was:
Walking around Sammakhi with Kamboom and meeting a couple of other old students of mine. It was interesting to be on the grounds of another school and Kamboom is a good kid with a lot of potential and is in a good place to realise it. I also understand better that where I work isn’t so bad for the students when I consider that some of the old Anuban students are now at Sammakhi and they were very poorly skilled before. Sammakhi is supposed to be the better school but I imagine they also have to cater for a wide range of skill levels.
Daily thought
What are you in doubt about at the moment?
I doubt when I talk myself into it.
I have felt doubt about how things will be when Amy returns but when I’m thinking about it now I know everything will be fine.
I doubt myself on bad days at school but that turns around when the next day is fine. These doubts are good reminders though, not to take things for granted.
Who is your favourite singer or musical artist right now?
At my age, it is so difficult to answer a question like this. There’s too much information in my head, too many favourites from the past, from maybe yesterday to last week, year or decade. Why even force a decision like this? It’s a conversation question but not really a journal question. 20-year-old me wouldn’t even hesitate to answer this though. Is 55-year-old me smarter or wiser?

I took this picture because Don’s new puppy was at 22 Grams today and I haven’t met before. The same type of dog as Amy’s dad and just as bouncy and active.

Nagging Whispers – 29th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

That seed of doubt implanted
Nagging at the back of my mind
Ask myself ‘Is it within my control?’
Or am I seeing blind
Never sure if a problem caused
Sensitive to others’ feeling
I believe there’s nothing wrong
In the ways I have been dealing
Sometimes I cannot guess
Reactions to an innocent word
Doubt whispers into my ears
Making sure it’s heard

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we are safe and healthy at this moment in time. Many people are desperate and struggling but we’re doing ok.

*Long walk – 1st January 1999

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Email to TLJ:

I went for a walk yesterday after work – down in the National Park – you remember where we went past Whale Rock – well I jogged to about as far as we went – ‘member we went up to that lookout – and then kept going and going until there’s a cycle track that goes up to the end of Vimiera Road – I cut off the track there and went into the bush following some animal tracks and back up from the creek – I ended up at the back of some houses and had to fight pretty hard through some thick bush for a while – woulda looked pretty crazy – I got cut up on the arm a bit too – and I’m dead knackered after that too – at least it was a little easier to get to sleep last night – but still damned hot and sticky.

I’m still thinking of you a lot and that keeps me awake too. I wonder what will happen to us when you return and I go through all the bad things that could happen – by bad I mean like we split up or something – I don’t know why I have these doubts. I wonder if you would prefer to be without me – if life would be easier for you that way. I don’t know how I would go if we split – it would be very sad for me. I know I would want to be friends with you but know that would be hard initially too. Anyway, you see, why am I thinking these things….why am I in doubt? I think because I need to hear some reassurance from you – it’s been hard to not be able to talk to you every day like we normally do.

Christmas has been a non-event for me too. I was looking forward to having some time to myself while you were away but now I know that I need people to keep me occupied (that sounds pretty bad put like that!) to divert my attention from my introverted self. I used to be very extroverted you know – what happened? I don’t know. It’s weird. where did all this self-doubt come from?

Babe, this has just been another get it off my chest session – trying to figure things out. Still haven’t got anywhere! Anyway, I hope that when you are reading this that you are close enough to me to come and give me a supportive hug and kiss and say something like “I understand’ – even if you don’t!!
Have you seen Jackie Chan yet?