How to make something happen, how To meet what’s left for me head-on It’s a long road travelled upon So what dreams of the future now?
I ran so fast to get ahead After all the rushing around I’ve found my feet stuck to the ground How to make something happen, how
Can I learn from my past mistakes Blindly followed the loudest voices Crossroads offer too many choices So what dreams of the future now?
How to make something happen, how To reconcile the debris of all that’s gone? So what dreams of the future now?
A reflection on getting older and wondering what might be next. I’m reasonably happy with my life and feel a little lack of ambition. This could be the folly of comfort but I’m tired too. Shared with dVerse Poetry Form: Villonnet and Poets and Storytellers United – dreams and also for a course at AllPoetry.com 17th Dec 2024 – Published at Edge of Humanity
I didn’t sleep particularly well and woke up at one point with a disconcerting dream where I was trying to find my friends in an AFL stadium but ended up outside, around a car parking area and went through a fire exit door that led into a dank dark wide stairwell and off to the side, a cavernous tunnel dug through the concrete, dirt and rock, the pathway littered with old beer bottles. Obviously, a place for nefarious folks to gather.
As I stepped through, a dodgy youngster stepped out of the shadow, saying, ‘Well, well, what have we here? Welcome to The Pricks.’ I replied with a ‘What?’ And attempted to get back to the fire door to exit, somehow knowing and submitting to the fact that I wasn’t going to make it and my legs were as if stuck in treacle.
Unable to face my fate, I woke myself up, wondering who won the football and scared to go back to sleep.
Health:
Physical: 6 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
My old student Cake, who is in grade 10 now, is in the Science Program and aiming to be a doctor. She took me to the stand where she was demonstrating what worms are made up of and how they work.
She looks and behaves so grown up now that last Thursday, when students don’t need to wear a uniform, I mistook her for a teacher!
Also, Jet, who showed me a little about how Instagram works and Tonaor, who showed me how to follow everyone in their class.
The best thing about today was:
Watching some of my students perform a dance routine that I had seen them practising for the last few weeks. I thought that they were just doing it for fun but I was amazed at how professional they were when they were on stage today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I arrived back at school at 10:20 to discover that today is Science Day and many of my 10:30 grade 12 class were taking part in it and those that weren’t wanted to go and watch them. Well, ok, I guess.
I didn’t know anything about this (though I do know that tomorrow is another event that disrupts my classes) but I rolled with it and went to check it out for a little while too. It was pretty fun, though I’m not sure how the sexy dancing competition fit into the theme of the event but everyone seemed to be having a good time.
After an hour, I headed back for more coffee and reading and writing ( and my final grade 8) class, asking to skip today to go to the event, but we all knew that it would be finished by then and they were just trying it on.
I took it easy with them, though and we had a fun class practising what we did yesterday, introductions and asking conversational questions and I came up with an interesting idea for them to try next week. Basically, getting each of my grade 8 classes to go and record themselves interacting with each other, having the same type of conversations. It will push them a little and will show me who is motivated.
Something I learned today?
In the Middle Ages, what we now call a hedgehog was called an urchin. That’s a fairly useless piece of information.
I also heard about a Palestinian man who went to register the birth of his three-day-old twins and came home to find that Israel had bombed the apartment where they were staying (as they had been displaced) killing the babies, their mother (who was a well-liked doctor) and grandmother.
Sickeningly, some Israeli online commenters said that they were happy to have taken away everything from this man.
This is how terrorists are made.
I took this picture because we had a visitor again when I got home. Uncle cowman had already chased him out one time today but there must be something good with our grass. I didn’t chase him out, hoping to get some free lawn mowing. Our cats looked on, slightly bemused.
Is the door ajar? Is Debbie looking in? Her eyes drew me closer Mine, all set to spin
Held me tight in embrace Touched by your presence dear Kissed me under the swamp tree Woke up, sudden and clear
The door was not ajar
Submitted to dVerse prompts – jar and dreams and inspired by a dream I had after watching Blondie’s ‘Touched By Your Presence Dear’ on TV, where I swore that she was looking and talking to me, so powerful was the dream that the next day I went to the tree in the swampy woods and waited for her to appear again. Predictably, she did not.
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired and dizzy.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to watch the Swans just get over the line against Collingwood this morning. I gave up on them but they somehow pulled it off.
The best thing about today was:
Putting together the sleeves and vinyl for the High Voltage/SpeechOdd split and figuring out how to get rid of as many of these things as possible!
It gave me a little more motivation, though my energy soon ran out again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I came back from my room at about 4 pm and started watching videos and thought it would be a good idea to eat the last weed gummy in the fridge. A couple of hours later and my head was spinning badly and I felt nauseous. I went to pee but soon had to stop as I needed to throw up and out came the chewed-up gummy and a couple of Amy’s delicious cookies.
Thankfully, I felt much better after that but couldn’t do anything except watch another four hours of The Boys, finishing off Season 2.
I ended up forgetting to write here and catching up on Sunday morning.
Something I learned today?
I think that’s it for weed for me. I’m too old for that shit now!
Tigger woke me up at 6am, he doesn’t understand weekends, telling me he will die if he doesn’t eat, so I wearily poured out some dried food, much to Cap’s disgust, fell back into bed and, resetting my 7.30 alarm for 8.30 dived deep into a sexy, though not sexual, dream about Nong Fah!
When my alarm went off I forced myself up and now I’m at Utopia and struggling to focus my eyes properly on my book.
Today I’m grateful for:
A change of plans. Today I was supposed to drive us all up to Doi Chang and here and there and all around but Mai’s family are all tired and/or sick with dodgy stomachs and even the backup plan of going to the Black House got cancelled and in the end everyone just came to our house and chilled in the air con.
The best thing about today was:
A whole load of mala sticks for dinner at a Chinese shop and even though I could’ve skipped dinner completely I ended up with a stack of vegetables and dug into the super spicy Sichuan sticks whilst sipping some soothing milk tea. I’m not sure yet how my stomach is going to react overnight.
Something I learned today?
As we don’t have internet in the house I am perusing my hard drive full of TV shows and movies and watching some of Paul Merton’s travel series around Europe. It’s maybe 20 or even 30 years old already but at that time there was a group of Germans who dressed a little to look like Nazis and carried flags with the same colours as the swastika symbol but with an apple shape instead. They would go outside known Nazi gathering spots in Berlin and chant things like ‘Drink more apple juice’ in a fun attempt to humiliate them.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
I happily drove Mai and family around this morning and afternoon, trying to keep Yaya occupied and happy.
Someone took this picture in Utopia and they used it on Facebook. I’m happy with my hair in this picture.
Looking up into the darkness of the night I could have been an astronaut exploring space Tuned into the Sydney Olympics that time I could have been the one that won the race
Trudging through the muddy fields in Autumn We were as soldiers marching off to war Or on the school fields, shoes for posts We were the team with the winning score
Racing Matchbox cars down twisted tracks I will be the one praised with champagne and girls The architect of the biggest castles And a new country whose flag unfurls
But would I always come out on top With the skills that I have got? I may not know so very much But I do know what I’m not
Pretty good. I notice that I’ve been waking up before my alarm recently and with my aching shoulder meaning a lot of tossing and turning during the night along with Cap wanting the door opened a couple of times to go in and out, I’m pretty tired too.
Today I’m grateful for:
Getting new tyres on the car today. I couldn’t really tell the difference but after five or six years I guess it was time.
The best thing about today was:
Having a couple more reading classes in groups of five or six again. It’s a lot of fun even though it means leaving the rest of the class to their own devices until it is their turn.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Just as I was leaving this morning Amy told me that after my first class, I have to go and wait at the car service place until our car is ready, which is hopefully before I’m due back at school! I was looking forward to spending time at the cafe, reading and writing but I guess it doesn’t matter too much as I can do that at the car service place too.
So, after class, I grabbed a takeaway coffee, went to Mum’s, picked up Amy and with a slight detour got to the car service. It was around 11.30 by now and Amy said they thought everything should be done by 12 so we sat around waiting. I did some lesson planning for a while and then someone came and told us that everyone was on a break now and that the car won’t be ready until later.
We tried to work out what to do next as I had to come back to school and Amy was off to visit Nut. How would I get back from school to pick up the car? Amy didn’t want to have to drive back to pick me up. I figured I could get a Grab from school though that would be a pain in the ass as it is really busy around the school at that time.
Whilst we were thinking about this they said that we could pay now and it was then that Amy discovered she didn’t have her credit card and would have to go home and get it and come back anyway! So I said that she may as well come and pick me up too!
So, I don’t know if that makes any sense but all in all it was a waste of two hours with absolutely nothing achieved from that running around.
If I had been the one that had forgotten the card I would never have heard the end of it and I gently reminded Amy of this fact, taking a minute to shine in the glory of not the one being at fault this time. I’m sure this will soon be reversed by something relatively inconsequential that I will be admonished for.
So, ultimately I handled it with smug satisfaction and a little bit of annoyance.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Baipad didn’t do anything special or get any gift from her mum for her birthday which is a bit sad to hear.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I like to think that remaining calm and adaptable to the situation described above was a good deed.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 19. There’s No End Game. We, as a species, just are. Don’t try to figure it all out. Enjoy your journey.
OK, I know that we just are, life is meaningless and I am still enjoying the journey very much.
But I also think it’s ok to try and figure things out as much as I can. For myself, not for the world. I just want to figure out how to make my world the best I can and slowly I see it improving.
Fah took these pictures because my phone was sitting on my desk where she was taking notes from my laptop screen. They were a surprise to me when I went to see what photos I had taken today.
Positive and happy this morning. A little bit of that Friday feeling despite being a little tired due to a crazy pee dream that was trying to wake me up. I was so aware that in my dream I was even telling myself that this wasn’t just a pee dream but just that I was peeing in my dream. I was trying to convince myself to keep dreaming.
But eventually, it was too much as the bucket I was peeing into starting overflowing even after emptying it one time. I groggily got up to go to the bathroom hoping against hope that there were still many more hours to sleep but getting back to sleep was difficult because I kept thinking about the dream.
Predictably, it felt like as soon as I got back into a deep sleep my alarm went off.
Today I’m grateful for:
A few folks taking the time to comment on a couple of poems that I’ve written in connection to some prompts. I’m at the stage of looking for prompts in other new places for inspiration – though I’m rarely ever short of ideas to be honest. Just looking for a bit of variety and some more challenges. By taking part in the prompt challenges it is bringing new people to come and look at this blog, which I appreciate. I’m not particularly after clicks or likes.
The best thing about today was:
Four hours sitting, writing, thinking, drinking coffee.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Two students, Kwang and Pang, pushed me too far today. I wasn’t angry and not outwardly upset but they have both shown me a lot of attitude recently.
I like them both and I’ve tried to help them more than other students and I’m sad to feel disrespected by them after all the chances I’ve given them. We’re near the end of this semester now and I’ll tell them not to bother coming to my classes because I don’t want them disturbing everyone else.
I just told them to pack up their stuff and go. The class was much better after that.
Something I learned today?
Pigs can’t look up into the sky due to the anatomy of their neck muscles and spine.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Nomsen came to class this afternoon looking a bit frazzled and her friends told me that she’d been crying and she quickly covered her face as more tears came. Without making a fuss I left her to it with her friends.
I was asking students random questions about music and instruments and I came around to her when she had stopped crying but she was obviously thinking about something else. I was guessing it was about a boy. She soon asked to go to the bathroom with her friend and I didn’t question it like I might do at other times, thinking maybe she’ll feel better when she gets back.
They were gone for about 30 minutes I’m guessing, and when they got back they caught up with their work as quickly as they could. When Nomsen came to hand in her work she seemed better so I asked her what happened today.
She was quiet at first so I asked if it was about a boy and she shook her head and offered… ‘it’s my uncle…’ Oh no, I thought, maybe he’s in hospital or died, so I said ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ and gave her a hug.
On writing this I’m worried that she may have meant something else by her comment but I really hope not. I just messaged her to see if she was feeling better and she said she’s ok. I hope so.
I took this picture because two new pups were outside the gate this morning and were friendly. Tangmo came running over and lots of play fighting ensured and he got so happy he ran at full pace around the teaching room three times without stopping.
You can’t keep your dreams under a mattress Where they’ll be surely forgotten and flat They have value worthy of investment There’s really nothing better than that
First line appropriated and the rest inspired by a thought from David Elikwu’s newsletter
Today I’m feeling:
I woke up tired but was able to easily plough through my abs workout because I had things on my mind. I feel a little in and out of depression too but it’s very vague and dissipates quickly. I think some days I wonder if what I’m doing is actually worthwhile. It happens.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nancy and Aob at TLC for helping me get my visa sorted out since I forgot to get the re-entry permit last October! Despite the hard time they give me and the amount of money they make off me I still appreciate what they’ve done to help fix this.
The best thing about today was:
Getting another year’s stay in Thailand with my new visa. Though whilst I was sitting there watching the officer stamp and shuffle papers I started to brood on the fact of how much longer am I going to go through this annoying process. Tomorrow I’ll probably forget about all this until next November when I’ll have to start preparing for the next application again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got the message that next week I have to help in the Primary school for Scout week. It probably will be pretty easy but not as preferable as doing nothing, or even as a regular workweek. Still, a change can be good.
Something I learned today?
From The Jimmy Dore Show on YouTube:
The Internet was abuzz recently after MSNBC host Joy-Ann Reid, while showing a video of Joe Biden, was caught by a “hot mic” revealing her true feelings about Biden by saying “… starting another fucking war.”
Of course, Reid would never have intentionally said anything so overtly anti-Biden on the air, so she was forced to apologize, although she only mentioned having dropped the “f word.”
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
As I passed Rista after class on the third floor of building six I saw that she had some rubbish to throw away. As I already had my coffee cup to take to the bin I offered to take hers too for which she gave her appreciation.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 10. Pick an Industry, Not A Job. If you want to become good at something, you need to spend years and years doing that. You can’t do that if you hop from industry to industry. Pick an industry you love and start at the bottom. You will find the perfect role for you eventually.
It seems kind of incomprehensible to me that I would ever have a choice of the kind of work or job I would do. When I left school at sixteen any job was considered good and a starting point. There were also more jobs available back then too.
When I started my first long-term job it wasn’t something that I was particularly interested in (electrical wholesale) but I did enjoy the hard work when I was a storeman and did work my way up to be the buyer. I wasn’t interested in progressing any further though, which would’ve meant becoming a manager.
With the opportunity of moving to Australia, I discovered an interest in computing (beyond just playing video games) and was able to spend a year or so studying for that. Then I got in at a low level and worked my way up and sideways for the next 18 years. Once again I was not interested in (or offered) a management role.
While working an office job I knew one thing and that was that I loved coffee! After getting laid off it was a simple step to take courses learning to be a barista or bartender and I got into making coffee until injury stopped me short.
Moving to Thailand then forced me to make the decision to become a teacher because there are only a few things that a foreigner is allowed to do here for work. With each change of job or industry, I’ve always pushed myself to work hard to learn what I can about it. Teaching has really tested me but when I get it right I do love what I’m doing.
As I mentioned above though, there are times when I am unsure of myself and can’t balance the effort-to-reward ratio properly in my head.
I feel that the idea of this question is a little privileged. Many, maybe even most people, don’t have choices a lot of the time and just have to take the opportunities that they can get.
Raise a toast from the bottle of heartbreak Tears mist the eyes of dead teenage butterflies These wounds become a comfort given time Waxing poetic about the expected surprise
These are the happy things, preparing for grief The painful goodbyes in the rear-view mirror Bigger, brighter things are on the way to love Slowly, gently, this will all become clearer
A little lazy. I was going to get up with my alarm but still sleepy, Amy almost shouted at me from her bed, getting up, where are you going….? Jesus, let me wake up a little! I brushed my teeth, took a piss and got back into bed for another hour of sleep where I had a dream about us being able to drive on a piece of A4 paper as if it was a car!
Today I’m grateful for:
The trees that Amy’s mum planted on our land years before we came here and have grown to provide great shade from the sun but now have gotten so big that their roots threaten to cause problems to the foundations of our buildings. We will cut four and I hope the remaining three will be able to grow faster and stronger to provide shade again into the spaces that will be left.
The best thing about today was:
Having a tidy garden again once the gardeners had finished their work, the smell of cut grass wafting through the house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve noticed (again) that I don’t really like being in my man cave so much – it’s not quite comfortable for me and whereas in the living room of our house I feel like I am centred, in my room I feel like I am on the periphery. It’s only a remove of about six metres but it makes all the difference.
I’m having to force myself to go there to get certain things done and figuring out ways to do other things back in the living room without having all my stuff scattered around. This is a compromise of Amy’s return to our home.
Something I learned today?
An avocado is a berry.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I wished Noey a happy holiday as this will be the last time I see her at Utopia until next year.
I bought an onion in the local market and thanked the lady who commented that I spoke good Thai.
I nodded appropriately to the gardener who explained what they would do to our trees though I only caught a few words. I could understand the gist especially when he pointed at some leaves that looked like they were getting eaten by some bug.
I did the washing this morning, hung it out and brought it back in in the evening.
I shampooed Tigger’s head as he is getting the scabs again that he got last year around this time. He wasn’t happy but accepted his fate well enough and of course, went outside as soon as he could and rolled around in the dirt again. He really loves our home.
What changes did I experience this year?
The biggest change has been at home of course, with Amy being back in the house, cleaning up and bossing me around.
Other changes have been more subtle, such as my slow improvement to health and fitness. Also my adjustment in confidence when riding the motorbike since coming off it.
And if I look closely I can see signs of my skin sagging a little around my cheeks and neck as my I struggle with gravity. Even lying down can’t help.
I took this picture because here’s one tree down, and three more tomorrow. It’s going to look so odd for a little while.
I hope your day is grand Goes as you have planned It’s the thing to do But I still don’t love you
It’s a past we shared When once we cared But yesterday is through And I still don’t love you
I wrote a broken ode Broke the unspoken code I’m thinking of you But still don’t love you
inspired, but not connected, by part of this post at Spinning Visions
Today I’m feeling:
Happy again but a little tired now that I’m home and have eaten some food. I will try to sleep earlier tonight I think. I say that now but I often end up late again!
Today I’m grateful for:
The fruit-flavoured toffees that I can buy at Big C and no doubt fuck up my fillings. I will take a packet to Hayden so he can fuck up his fillings too.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today I found out that one of my students, Feije, has been expelled from school. I could sense that something was up with her recently and tried to reach out to her but she said everything was fine. I saw her falling asleep in other classes and she would often skip mine with excuses that her friends said weren’t true.
Her friends were sad that she has gone. They told me that she had posted pictures on IG of herself drinking beer. I told them that she was stupid for doing that. Her friends wanted to protect her but they also knew that I was right.
Amongst all the kids in her class, there were plenty of others that I would’ve expected to have discipline issues first.
Something I learned today?
I read about Gregory Sadler who has 377 videos on YouTube about his reading of Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit. He started in 2015 and finished this week. He is also considering reading it again!
What do I remember about a recent dream I had?
Dreams are evasive when trying to force them back into memory. I know that I woke up last night needing to pee but whatever I was dreaming about had given me an erection that made it extremely difficult to point downwards into the bowl. It was still dark and I wanted to get back to sleep as soon as I could but had to wait and then bend it as much as possible. I’m not sure what the dream was but I seem to remember thinking that it was something affectionate rather than sexual. I didn’t have any trouble getting back to sleep but also don’t recall any new dreams that I might’ve had.
I took this picture because Miyor was excited to show me this new trick she had learned. She then proceeded to get other students to try it too. I’m trying now whilst writing this and my old bones just don’t bend that way.
I was from there, but you came from here And now we’re here you want to leave Beyond our borders, greener grasses Chasing after the things that we believe
The world is sure bigger than we understand To dip toes in the sand or look out from the hill People leaving for ports unknown And then we feel as if we’re standing still
For miles and miles, watch the Earth curve And start running towards all your dreams But one day, we arrive and reminisce For the days when nothing was what it seems
Yesterday I was seventeen and tomorrow I’ll be dead Pretending to be adult til that’s what I became Dismissing the words of my all-knowing elders Who’d long since been through the same
Those times we thought we were at the centre And everything was made for us to hold Now understood to be just youthful wishes With the wisdom that came from getting old
Really good. An easy day with a nice long gap between easy classes. With only about 6 hours of good sleep last night, I knew I was tired but was able to just remain laid back and go with the flow.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy persisting in hugging me last night before arousing me from my lucid dreams and into a delicious tangle of hips and limbs before we even managed to kiss. 30 minutes later and I was happily drifting into crazy dreams for far too short a time.
The best thing about today was:
From my ab workout and muesli yoghurt breakfast until sitting in this cool aircon before sleeping it’s been a day of feeling happy and spreading a little happiness around. A little bit of joy was shared between us all.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
One of my students, Namfon, couldn’t do work in my class yesterday because she had no internet connection on her phone. This morning I asked her to come and talk to me and Kru Karn because I wanted to know how we could fix the situation. I could tell Kru Karn was really short with her and blaming her and Namfon started to look dejected and almost teary. I felt sorry for her but also wanted her to know that a solution had to be found. When we went back to class I tried to comfort her and she did eventually come round to a little smile.
In my afternoon class lovely little Nicha had a cry too because, although she didn’t admit it to me until later, she couldn’t understand the work I wanted her to do. There was a lot of work and other students were too busy to help her. She told me her frustrations and again I tried to comfort her and she impressed me with being able to read more words this year. Even though she is one of the older kids she hasn’t really matured yet and, sadly, she’s been left behind in her class. It is a frustrating situation for everyone because she could easily slip through the cracks and deserves a better chance than what is on offer.
Something I learned today?
Again with students, I saw Fah in class today and she looked lost in thought and upset about something which is unusual for her. When I bumped into her l asked her about it and she couldn’t explain in English and just said รำคาญ which I later looked up to find means annoyed. I’m learning language in use.
I took this picture last month because all the paddies are getting seeded and this should all look amazing again in a couple of months’ time. No new picture today so having to dig back.
1994ever 