I gave up smoking when my son arrived And eventually, the drinking on which I thrived Drugs were out and I never did the casino One thing I’ll never give up – that’s my cappuccino
When you try to extend your reach outward, it’s much better and more appropriately directed inward.
Ryan Holiday
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I got my laptop working as I needed it at school yesterday after having many problems.
Forcing myself to notice the pictures and decorations on the walls in different places. Strangely, this was a tough one and it made me realise that I don’t go to many different places, especially during these difficult pandemic times. Of course, it may be that I did go to many places but didn’t notice the pictures on the wall!
This was the first picture – taken all the way back on Jan 6th!Finally got to 10 pictures today!
Poems on this day
Field of Observation
Warm damp air clings to us In the middle of our own field Like quantum theory – look away A million fireflies are revealed
Lightning flashes on the horizon Boding well the breeze to come Buzz on about your business There’s space here for everyone
Illusions
The grey is not just in the sky It’s in my head, my half-closed eyes The passions of yesterday are gone The words said cannot be undone
This sick mind exaggerating All my deadly contemplating A coward stuck in sheep’s clothing Just wants an end to my self-loathing
To run away, just run and run To put an end to what’s become We slowly watched things going sour Took the pain and gave it power
We mixed it up, caused confusion Stuck inside this brief illusion I still love you, I will always love you How can I ever love myself?
Rocks and Oils
Artificial lines and boundaries Sought to divide and rule Keep the savages occupied Then pour on extra fuel
Some arbitrary borders Laid down after wars Pay us to keep the peace We’ll be back to settle scores
Killed a man a thousand years ago For this, you’ll one day pay And grab this dirty rock of yours Put down a flag and say
‘Get out and stay out’ You’re not welcome here Our fathers always taught us You are not what you appear
This Is A Test
Some days I ask myself Just what am I doing here? On good days things make sense But others are not so clear
Sensitive to your words Your scathing drunken attack I can’t always shrug it off Unless you take them back
Regularly we cycle Through this vicious routine So here we go again What does it all mean?
I just wanted to take it easy Sit back and relax But then I see you drinking Preparing your attacks
Let’s sit down and fix it Make things for the best Many more years ahead of us This is just a test
Plus Minus
If I keep writing down these negative thoughts Am I throwing them out or reinforcing them? Am I making things worse than they already are Or should I be symbolically divorcing them?
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful to be able to stand in our garden at night and watch all the fireflies buzzing around. To feel the warm air surround my skin and to stare at the moon and wonder if I could go there. It seems close enough to touch.
The best thing about today was thinking and writing my way out of a funk. Last night, I was a little cranky, and Amy was drinking again. I was in bed, and she came in to play, but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then she bit my face, and I pushed her off me. She felt insulted and complained that I don’t love her anymore and walked out. I was tired and annoyed, and although I was thinking about these words, I was so tired I fell asleep and didn’t even hear Amy come to bed.
I was woken up during the night, having a dream that Amy was getting too friendly with Ben, another of the teachers we know, and after that, it was difficult to get back to sleep.
I snoozed my alarm, and Amy didn’t bother to get up in the morning, but before I left, I told her that I was worried about her still. She said she was the one who should be worried. I get really upset when she’s drinking and says things like ‘you don’t love me anymore’ just because I’m annoyed with her behaviour at the time.
This morning, I couldn’t feel my way out of this darkness, but eventually, by the afternoon,n I was feeling OK. Not brilliant, but OK. However, Amy was in a short and bad mood when I got home due to an upset stomach and problems with something she was trying to bake.
I thought we could go for a drive tomorrow – it’s a holiday here again. Amy asked ‘Where?” but I just don’t care where – just get out of the house and see what is out there. We both know that there is nothing out there but it’s just a distraction from staying home again.
I am so happy and grateful that Amy had such a good time at the weekend. She came back very happy and a little drunk. I am grateful to Takky for taking care of her and doing all the driving too.
Well, Dylan didn’t make it on Saturday as he went out the night before. I can recall times when things like that would’ve upset me – especially as I was up and waiting for him at the meeting point. But now, I just brush it off and get on with other things and I spent an enjoyable day around the house and even treated myself to my first beers of the year – for which I paid for on the Sunday – but it was OK to remember what alcohol is like! It was also damn hot during the day and through the night now too. One thing I did notice is that my neck didn’t hurt in the morning like it usually does. Just the rest of my body suffering.
Anyway – the best thing that happened today was that I managed to get a lot of posts on to the blog as there is nothing much to do at school this week. Sadly, this morning George was really rude and abrupt with me, not even trying to be friendly with generic conversation, inviting others out for coffee to a different place than his usual DeLanna and not inviting me along or even looking at me. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that I have done to upset him but he seems to have some problem with me again.
It’s sad to be posting up blogs from 2019 and how George helped me a lot and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. I have my suspicions that it is something to do with his relationship with Bee and her friendship with Amy. I haven’t been the friend he wants me to be and that seems a little sad, selfish and egotistical on his behalf.
George likes his little troupe of followers to go along with him and everything he says and if you step out of line you are not allowed back in. Even Bee says he has problems with friends which is so odd because he is friendly and outgoing on the surface. But all that’s superficial.
Anyway, now is a test to see how I handle things because the environment at work is very uncomfortable because of this.
I’ve been reading Zen Mind, Zen Beginner and some of that calms me – but I can’t quite work out how. Other bits of it seem close to nonsense in a realistic world setting. I can understand it without thinking it’s something I should do – like bowing 9 times or something like that.
Anyway, reading, thinking, growing. It’s the same as it ever was.
We had a 4-day holiday over the new year. For 2021 I have made a half-hearted resolution to play more video games! Last year I rarely played anything at all. In fact, I have many things I could, can and will do but I thought it was amusing to make a resolution often seen as negative.
So for much of this 4-day holiday, I gave myself a backache by playing new games on my old Xbox One.
An exception to this was the evening of the 31st December where Amy and I enjoyed a spicy hot pot with the last packet of sauce my friend Ellen delivered from China last year (or the year before….when was it!?). We also sipped on yoghurt-flavoured shoju but Amy gave up around 11pm. We had watched the Sydney Harbour fireworks at 8pm and that is when Amy considers the new year to have actually started for us, her heart still being there. I carried on building cities and shooting monsters and was up again pretty early the following morning.
On the Saturday a few of Amy’s friends and I got together at a cafe on the way to Mae Sai. It was busy there but we all ate our fill and lazed around, Amy knocking back a few Heineken’s and getting a little louder as she likes to do.
We decided to visit her old friend from Sydney who has a cactus farm nearby and he kindly gave us a couple for Amy’s collection.
We had to stop at a shop on the way home so that Amy could grab another beer and she organized herself to head on into the city for more food and alcohol! My sweetheart the drunk!
I left her to it but she came back much earlier than I expected, mentioning about some of her friends who insist that good luck only comes from going to the temple – something that particularly rubs Amy the wrong way. Amy believes in herself and all good and bad comes from within. Thai people are still very superstitious and like to put blame and benefit on things outside their control. Obviously, I agree with Amy’s point of view but I don’t let other people’s ideas like this rub me the wrong way, though I also don’t have to listen to them complain about their lives either!
Before this holiday I thought I’d like to do something artistic again and started off with sketching. I have more ideas for continuing this than I have time currently available – it could be a battle between sketching or video games. I hope to balance this effectively. So, I was quite happy and proud of my first sketch – just looking up from my little floor table where I was working.
Brain dump
Post-yoga workout, meditate. Thoughts focus on relationships at school and people’s personalities. Stop comparing, you are you and you are fine – you don’t have to be like George or Dylan or anyone. Being yourself is fine.
Tigger cries in the morning. My middle back aches, work on core. 10 Burpee’s was tough! Getting up was tough.
Little Kim sleeps next to my butt. So much time – enjoy it – use it. Feel good. Feel strong.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my body to struggle through doing 10 burpees this morning. It was slow going but I made it. I must carry on.
The best thing that happened today was to watch a student’s face look happy when knowing that they had learned and remembered how to say a word correctly. This always makes me happy.
I am so happy and grateful for having a couple of good friends I can hang out with in Chiang Rai. I didn’t enjoy today because I drank too much yesterday so I’m also very grateful for my recent run of not drinking. I much prefer days of being sober over a few hours of drunken enjoyment.
Dream of sleep and shape-shifting snakes. Very tired – short fuse with drunk Amy last night – wore me out. Should I drink? Don’t want to much any more but feel at odds with Amy’s lifestyle. Maybe motivate her somehow. Not talked with her this morning, not sure what mood she is in. My mood is better but niggly, can push me over. Must try to stay calm.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can wake up in a more reasonable mood than the one I went to sleep in.
Wake up at night and clench my jaw when I stretch – stupid. Brain jukebox – Volcano Suns – Medicine Cabinet. What a brain! Five days habit morning – losing a little weight – now steadily under 80 kg – happy with that.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my long-running laptop. It keeps on chugging along.
To-do list
Awards game all the time – play it!
Turn the awards game into compliments
Smile, talk less, listen more
I did play the awards game and turned a couple into compliments (on Friday) but forgot after that – why don’t I remember? Will try again.
Went out with Amy on Friday night and whilst she and everyone else were drinking, I decided not to – knowing what I would feel like on Saturday. Everyone was having a good time but I was super tired and went to the car to rest and listen to music. Despite being uncomfortable in the car I was in a positive mood and turned it into ‘getting to listen to my music’ instead of ‘having to wait for Amy’.
Needless to say, I felt good on Saturday morning and Amy struggled through the day! I even managed to get up early on Sunday and do my 5-minute exercise routine which made me feel great for the rest of the day until about 6 pm when I got tired and went to bed (to read).
I also didn’t eat much this weekend and got back under 79kg again. I want to keep going and burn off the rest of this belly fat.
I spoke to Hayden over the weekend and he sounded much better than before. His speech was clear and his ideas had more clarity too. He said he hasn’t smoked pot for 30 days now. That’s great to hear. I’m so happy to hear him sound more positive at last.
Classes have been going well. The kids are working me out and they make me laugh. I’m not taking things too seriously now – just try to enjoy our time with each other in the class.
I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to work with George and Dylan at CRPAO this semester. I think we will have a lot of fun.
To-do list
Zoom with Ellen
Enjoy the role playing today ✅
Another article for Bruce
Some more Inner Engineering
The day at school actually went to plan and the evening at home didn’t at all! But that’s OK. These things happen and it’s nothing to get beat up over.
Amy and Takky and Amy’s dad were drunk by the time I got home and everyone was in a happy mood so I hung out and played with Ritchie (Takky’s dog).
I worry sometimes about Amy hurting herself when she’s drunk – she also gets a little maudlin and down. I like to drink too and have a good time but recently I just haven’t felt like it so much. We did on Friday and had a great time but it’s getting harder for me to do it on school nights.
I am so happy and grateful to have a cheap gym close by where I can go and work out after work when I have time.
Change requires you to kill parts of yourself, parts that don’t serve you anymore. This will not be easy, of course, as those parts don’t want to die.
Stoic improvement
To-do list
Can I draw a nice card for Kru Noon? Cats or dogs? ✅
Typhoon revision games for both classes ✅
Write gratitude letter for Maesara ½
Write something for Matt’s DIY guide
More Coursera – take notes
I got sidetracked today – thinking about something from the Coursera lesson a couple of days ago and took on the mammoth task of deleting many of my ‘friends’ from Facebook.
I’m really happy to have made a half-decent job of a cartoon dog and cat card to give Kru Noon some time. I enjoyed doing it so maybe it is something I will try more of in the future.
Today Amy ended up getting her arm plastered up after discovering that she had in fact broken it a couple of months ago when she drunkenly fell over. It is very specifically that event that has led me to stop drinking so much.
I’m a quiet drunk – I enjoy the feeling and don’t often get loud and rowdy but more and more I had been enjoying it less and more particularly the hangovers. I’ve started filling up my time with things I would like to do each day and find being hungover means I get little done.
Finding Tramadol has also been a great inspiration. Whenever I take it I feel great and really savour things more. Time goes so quickly though, I think because you just get really involved in what you are doing. Time goes quickly anyway, especially as I keep finding new challenges to entertain and ideas for creating things.
Amy is a happy drunk and loves to dance and party. More recently though I’ve noticed her have some more negative responses – in particular towards me, sometimes scratching me hard. When she gets like that I just want my night to end and go to bed. I think Amy’s reaction like this is a subconscious reflection of the unhappiness that she is feeling living in Thailand again.
I know it frustrates her here a lot and that she cannot relate so well to some of her old friends, so she turns to me as her only support. I do my best for us to do things together and she knows I’m trying for her. She’s smart though. I think she will work out a way to make herself feel better.
My past event to savour tonight is the rest of the Limited Express tour as I only got about halfway last night. I also figured I would work my way backwards through time with these memories and see if I can recall more and more.
I have all the characteristics I need but need to work harder at these: perspective, social intelligence (understanding others), spirituality, and kindness.
I am sometimes good at doing these things but often get wrapped up in myself too much instead. I would like to deal better emotionally with difficult situations. Sometimes I can’t control my feelings well enough.
After some more consideration, social intelligence is the one I want to improve most. I can do this by going out and meeting more and different people – not just those within my own sphere of interest.
1st Jan 2023 – Three years later, and having been through much of that time with pandemic lockdowns and prohibitions I don’t think I consider social intelligence so highly anymore. It would be important if I was 20 years old again but over the last year or two, I’ve become much more comfortable with myself.
I can guess that George was the influence for me to try to engage more with other people in 2020, as I always saw him happy. However, I also discovered that trying to be like other people is not always the best approach, especially when feeling let down by them. What works for him doesn’t necessarily work for me.
I’m comfortable and happy with my tribe, I know who they are even though they are not close by. I can still work on improving social intelligence within that premise instead. I don’t need to spend time meeting new people just to practice this. I feel I have better ways to spend my time. I know other people enjoy doing it but it’s not for me.
How can you get those characteristics?
I already have these characteristics but just need to enhance them further. Bring them to the forefront of memory and practice them. Be conscious of them, In order to practice social intelligence, I need to stop pre-judging people and use come conversational techniques to find out more and quickly. This skill is something I have improved on but am not really comfortable with yet. Perhaps visualising and pretending beforehand would help? I could also read more about how to do this and watch some instructional videos.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to have a small sleep-in this morning as it is teachers’ day. I’m writing this from my bed and can look out of the bedroom window at the blue sky and jungle mountains in the distance.
It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; as soon as we are sober again we see that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion.
Leo Tolstoy, My Confessions
To-do list
Practice RekordBox ✅
Record new TCRAH ✅
If any appropriate time arises, tell Amy about what happened with Jimmy
Finish work permit tasks ½
Exercise at gym
Amy and I spent a long day around the city sorting things for my work permit, getting my laptop fixed and buying bits and pieces for teaching. We had a nice long lunch of sushi and I felt very happy.
I was hoping to go to the gym but it was already 4pm by the time we got home and I wanted to do some other things. Amy had a couple of drinks at lunch and was starting to get a little loud. Most of the time it was fun and funny but occasionally I got a bit annoyed (internally).
I know Amy is a little lonely here in Chiang Rai because her friends are not quite in the same position and way of thinking. We know we are lucky to be where we are and with everything that we have got and there is always some sort of trade-off.
Tomorrow, it’s back to school and I have to try and remember not to touch the students. I’m pretty sure that I will get told off again sometime.
I’m considering the option of going back to CRPAO next semester as I may be able to work with George and Tang. George keeps trying to sell the option to me but I’m a little conscious of working with someone that I consider a good friend and also about my ability to work in any school system.
15th Mar 2024 – Time certainly tells the tale. I was right to be concerned about working with a close friend though I ended up extremely happy.
Where I am now is quite easy in many ways and if it were a similar situation next semester then that seems like a good option. We never know what we’re going to end up with – all options could turn bad. I definitely don’t want to be working harder for other people.
1994ever 