Tag: emotions

Walking In Darkness – 26th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Without the light, it’s easy to submit
Wild and brave men no longer thrive
Those empty spaces are full of it
Desperate hands grasping to survive

These men bleed, kept in silence
There’s no longer a world to save
Tired of all the endless violence
In darkness rot the men so brave

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog
17th Dec 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – darkness

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more awake this morning after struggling to get up.  I really wanted to sleep more.  I noticed that my stomach has lost a little more excess flab so I’m happy about that.  Keep going.

Today I’m grateful for:

The receptionist at the dental clinic who happily changed my dental appointment from next week to mid-February because, and I told her this, I don’t have any money to pay until I paid again.  We both talked in a mixture of English and Thai and could understand each other clearly and I wai’d her my thanks as I left.

The best thing about today was:

…well, it seems strange to call this the best thing but it is certainly something that stands out. 

For my last grade 7 class of the day, I asked the kids to log in to the Quiz on their phones.  Aomsin, who was sitting right in front of me in the front row, said she couldn’t because she had no battery.  I explained to her in English that I told the class many times that for my class they must always have enough battery and good internet access. 

Aomsin’s English is not that good yet though and whilst she could tell that I was being serious she clearly did not understand the details.  This was Friday afternoon, the last hours of the day and I was feeling laid back and playful.  The other kids could sense that.  I told her that I take away 5 points in the system if they are not prepared. I was smiling and had no intention to do that but wanted her to know that she should always be prepared.

Anyway, I translated into Thai for her so she could understand and she nodded and looked down at her phone.  Gunn, sitting next to her, looked at me, looked at her and then looked at me again.  Aomsin then started talking in Thai, sounding like complaining-explaining and looked back up to me, with a slightly pleading face and then I saw a tear fall down each of her cheeks. 

I couldn’t believe it.  I wiped away each tear and said ‘Hey, come on, it’s not that serious.’ Again, she didn’t quite get it.  I comforted her and told her in Thai that I was only playing with her. 

Gunn cracked up laughing at her but I wanted her to feel better.  Then she started really balling her eyes out but also laughing at the same time.  Laughing and crying at herself and her friends.  It was like she really wanted to feel an emotion deeply but also realised how absurd it was.  She was smiling and laughing but couldn’t stop herself from crying. 

Other kids started paying attention and couldn’t understand why everyone looked happy and smiling but Aomsin was crying.  Gunn quickly offered a solution with his charger (why didn’t she just ask him to borrow it in the first place!) and even that couldn’t settle her down.  Gunn talked some more to her and I went and attended a couple of other students before coming back after a few minutes. 

She had settled herself by this time but when I asked her to do the quiz she said she couldn’t yet.  I got down on my knees and wai’d her my apologies many times over and both she and Gunn cracked up laughing again.

I guess it’s a good lesson for me that not everyone gets the vibe or feeling of the class and whilst I can be quite strict about what I want I’m not so often angry about anything. I can sense Aomsin is sensitive, not just in my class but in general and I should be aware of that and make sure that she understands when something is playful or serious.  I could be wrong but I don’t think she was really upset with what happened and maybe there were other things going on for her and she was having a bad day and this just tipped her over the edge.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After picking up my coffee and making sure to be back in school for first class I was wondering why the building was so quiet.  No kids!  What’s going on? You can read more below.  How did I handle it?  By taking the free time opportunity to write here.

Something I learned today?

This morning my first class was delayed as there was something going on.  As I was in the classroom ready to teach I decided to go and find out what it was all about.  It was about the upcoming election for a student to the school board. 

I walked around and ended up talking with Jet and asked her who she would vote for and why.  I then asked if she would want to run for election when she was in grade 11 and she said ‘Why would I want to do that!?’ 

Ok, I said, who do you think in your class would be suitable and she thought Anchan.  She said Anchan is a little older than the rest of the class and can control them quite well.  I wasn’t too surprised at this as I could see last year that she had some leadership qualities if she chose to go in that direction.  It was interesting to hear this from another student though.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I sent Anchan a positive message based on what Jet had said above, to show my support and pride in her.  I told her to keep going. (Just as I told myself this morning – keep going!)

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 6. Keep a Journal. No, keeping a journal is not for children. It helps you to become a better thinker and writer. “I don’t want to be a writer” you might think. Well, how many emails and texts do you send a day? Everybody is a writer.

Journaling has only become a habit since moving to Thailand and somewhat inspired by starting 1994ever to document my year in 1994.  Because I have ended up with fewer external things to do I have had more time to develop this habit and it doesn’t feel like a chore like when I was a teenager trying to keep up a diary.  As the idea states you become a better thinker and that is what I want to be.  Yesterday’s idea was about strengthening the body through exercise, today is about strengthening the brain through journaling.

I took this picture because we had to cut our three big trees down as the roots would fuck up the buildings. It looks so strange and we’re a little sad because they were big healthy trees that gave a lot of shade.

No Chef – 28th November 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I know I know nothing
You tell me, how much cheese?
I’m no chef, I’m just eating
Transfer the knowledge, please!

A poem for this Existential Comic

Today I’m feeling:

A little tense as there is a lot of running around today. First to the city to walk Leo, then Mae Sai immigration where we have just home from. Right now I’m ready to scoff some lunch before dashing back to school for my afternoon classes.

Today I’m grateful for:

Officer Oh at Mae Sai immigration. This was my first visit there and all the staff seemed far more friendly than in Chiang Rai. It’s a bit of a long way to go each time but hopefully the experience will be better.

The best thing about today was:

Getting my visa application in and hopefully having that finalised within the next three weeks.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Being out of my class this morning was a little difficult as I tried to monitor everything from the work they were sending me in their messages.

About ten students didn’t submit anything and later in the day I deducted points in the system.

It was then found that I had gotten two students mixed up and needed to add their points back but then finding that I can only deduct points and not add them! I want to get that fixed because I want to reward students too.

Something I learned today?

More than 87% of Palestinian deaths caused by Israel in the last 51 days are civilian. The highest ratio of civilian to combatant deaths in any war ever and by a long way.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Last night I made the choice to get up early and go with Amy to walk Leo but when we arrived this morning we found that her dad had already taken him. Everyone has been telling him to take it easy and he only finished his second round of chemo yesterday but he is obviously frustrated at not being able to do all the things he wants to do. As the brief thought went through my mind of wasted time and wasted petrol, I pushed it aside and prepared for the next step of driving us to Mae Sai.

I messaged Manow hoping that she recovers from her cold soon.

I apologised to Pin and Gam as I accidentally deducted points from them in the SchoolBright system. They were both gracious in return.

As a few of my final class wanted to go off early to sports practice I made a deal with them to help them get through the work quicker.

After going to Immigration in Mae Sai Amy wanted to go to the markets. I didn’t really want to buy anything myself but happily went along with her as it felt like we had enough time. We bought some roasted chestnuts and noodles for her mum and dad and I was tasked with delivering them before getting back to school. It was a bit of a rush but I got it done.

What emotions do I feel most often?

I’ve become much more emotionally stable over the last couple of years and the emotion I notice more often these days is joy. There are times when I just have a feeling of inner peace and happiness.

Other emotions such as stress, tension and anxiety seem to occur often enough but register less. Depression is almost gone completely.

I took this picture last night because I wanted to capture what we had setup for Loy Kratong in the driveway. No new pictures today.

Influence – 8th November 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Shoving in doughnuts
Pooping out rocks
Here lies the slovenly
Unable to put on socks

Ten gallons of soda
Living life liver-free
Stuck on the sofa
In front of the TV

Making friends with strangers
Fat thumbs on the phone
Influencing the influencers
Relatively unknown

Shopping in comfort
From the living room
Like a faulty product
Due to expire soon

Today I’m feeling:

Tired but improved in general. I could’ve slept more but got going with exercise and breakfast. My morning class I decided to cancel as students are preparing for an Open House event over the coming two days. Not what I had planned but I’m much more accepting and able to adapt more easily these days. I quickly planned a separate lesson for my afternoon class that they could easily do in the canteen and it went well compared to yesterday and everyone seemed to enjoy it, perhaps because it mostly involved drawing rather than writing.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to find the nozzle for the high-pressure hose that I borrowed from Bruno on Lazada. It arrived today and now the hose works incredibly well, even cutting through the concrete if set too fine!

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying having fun with students all day long even as they were preparing things, studying, learning, chatting or playing. Everyone was in a good mood it seemed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The whole day at school was out of control as kids were busy everywhere doing things and making a mess. In classrooms, in hallways, in the canteen, library and playground. I went with it and had a great time. I met some of my grade 8 students in the canteen whilst I was taking care of the grade 7 class there in the afternoon and they told me that Teacher David was sad. I’m not quite sure what they meant but I can imagine that he is a bit frustrated with not being able to teach in the way that he’s used to.

Something I learned today?

Kru Fluke is leaving our team to go and take her turn working up in the mountains. It’s a shame as she is one of the teachers who actually makes an effort to engage despite having poor English herself.

How do I usually handle my emotions and feelings?

In some ways, I have managed to suppress strong emotions much of the time so that I am able to deal with events more reflectively. I am still afraid that I could overreact at some point. I don’t repress my emotions or feelings but let them play out with less stress and anxiety. In general, I have fewer cares and fewer worries. I guess I always had fewer cares and worries but exaggerated their importance before.

I took this picture because I walked around the corner to find my old class of students sitting here like this. They were waiting for a teacher to give them some items to help make decorations for tomorrow. They weren’t particularly enthused to do this but were excited not to be studying!

8th Feb 2024 – These kids are grade 9 – mostly 14-15 years old. Can I remember their names? I only taught them for one semester and that was last year now.
?, Piano, August (the dancing, singing…), Art (I taught him occasionally in Primary), Fill (whom I taught in Primary), Chompoo (likewise occasionally taught in Primary), Stang, Phoom, NongNong (formerly Sunwa), Pat, Gear, Levi, Beena, Proud, Mangkron (who wants to be a farmer), Nice (taught in Primary), Leo, (? – this kid rarely came to class), Pon, Chokun (taught in Primary), Baitoey, (? – I should know her name as I talk with her almost every morning) and Earn. Missing are Yok, Ice and another boy whom I can picture but can’t name!

Red Skies – 19th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

As the book opens, princesses are yawning
Dead-eyed dogs trudge homeward
Bamboo whistles in the wind
Lulling all with the promise of reprieve
Here at the edges of time
The world diverges for those to clash
Mad deviations keep the wheels greased
For those dogs forever fighting
The red sky denied, turns blue
Filled with the joyful and forlorn
Intermissions inspire reflection
About the dogs that stalk the dark

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and better than yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Thai teachers around me who were helpful and also amusing. Despite having to ‘work’ all weekend it was interesting enough and time passed by quickly thanks to the pleasant atmosphere.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out about some cool features of some of the tools we were learning today, enough to make me consider paying the small fee to access them. They would help enhance my classes a little.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Not having enough time at home to get all the chores that should have been completed on time. How did I handle it? By doing them, but not on time. It’s not the biggest issue but it means leaving wet washing outside overnight.

Also, I wasn’t able to shampoo Tigger again and he really needs it. I hope to do that on Tuesday afternoon if nothing else comes up.

Although these things are not really in my control I don’t consider them to be that important that they are giving me too much stress. There was a time when I would’ve let these things bother me more.

Something I learned today?

From reading an online post I found out that perhaps Hanoi is comparable to Chiang Mai and HCMC to Bangkok. Armed with that information I think I would prefer northern Vietnam to the south. Not that I wouldn’t want to check it all out for myself.

The writer described Hanoi as more of a collection of villages that have become joined and it is still quick and easy to get out into the mountains and jungles.

How do my thoughts and emotions impact my daily life?

My thoughts need to counter my emotions so I can stay in control. I get better at this though that may be due to avoiding people rather than actual improvement in control!

I took this picture because I knew there weren’t going to be many other chances to take photos today. I dropped into Utopia for my coffee, drinking it quickly but enjoying it immensely. Art gave me a new blend today that was light but zingy.

Together We Rise – 9th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

Once again, I was told I was free
That I could be whatever I wanted to be
So I told of the things inside my head
That had filled me full of existential dread

Then I found that so many people didn’t agree
I was called out and threatened constantly
I never thought just because of words I said
Made people so upset they’d want me dead

I realised freedom does not mean free
What’s freedom to you is not so for me
A common line must be towed instead
If you wish to lie in a settled bed

But is it possible for us to agree
That opposition is the end of you and me
We don’t need to succumb to lies we’re fed
Together we can travel the road ahead

2nd Jun 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt

Today I’m feeling:

Productive if only for household chores. Not sure I’ll be able to stay awake this afternoon.

Today I’m grateful for:

An afternoon cappuccino to keep me awake through the day but hopefully not so much that I can’t sleep tonight. I went out to Daytripper to enjoy it and watch the Kishore Mahbubani online course videos about US-China relations.

The best thing about today was:

A sense of achievement from sweeping up leaves, cutting back some climbing vines, preparing for cleaning off the roof, washing bedclothes, cleaning Kim’s room and getting everything ready for her to spend her nights in here again. I enjoyed doing it all.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’m here in Kim’s room writing this and I can see that the fuckin’ ants are out of control. I wonder if this is why the doesn’t like to sit directly on the floor. I sprayed ant killer in one corner of the room where I could see them coming and going but there must be many different colonies here all vying for their pieces of territory and the pull of Kim’s food bowl.

Kim is sitting watching me and wondering what the hell is going on.

Something I learned today?

The US voted no at the UN to make food a human right. They voted no to the Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities. No to the Convention on the Rights of the Child and against the resolution ‘combatting Nazism and contemporary forms of racism.’ The US sure likes to be different.

What emotion am I feeling right now?

Lethargy as my body winds down from the activities of the day. My mind though is still busy but that will soon wind down too. I also have a feeling of anticipation looking forward to jumping into bed with fresh clean sheets. My body is already experiencing the sensation, I’m looking forward to it that much.

I took this picture because new sheets, new sleeps. Almost summer.

Has the world gone mad or is it me? – 18th March 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can remain calm today despite the stupidity surrounding me. I have been asked to control myself emotionally and not get too worked up.

For everyone is pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen, into an indifferent universe, and because of that everyone wants, while there is still time, to turn himself into a universe of words.

Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

To-do list

  • Pictures for Fern and Chinese teacher
  • AirAsia refunds and Agoda
  • Fill out topic overview for Champ
  • Read some Pocket articles ✅
  • Just Dance!

What an interesting and fun day today was in the end. So, after thinking I had completed everything yesterday I went to school to clock in and Amy and I went around the city doing some shopping. At about 10 am I started getting messages that I am supposed to be at school even though there is nothing to do. So I head back and apparently, there were things that needed to be fixed in the grading files – even though I had followed all their instructions and they OK’d it the day before.

So, while I’m helping them fix these I get a message from TLC saying I won’t be getting paid. I was quite proud of my fairly calm reaction and luckily kept my mouth shut long enough, and to talk with Amy. We thought it best to offer TLC that I finish with the school and forget about the money. I found the whole stupid situation quite amusing and a sad reflection on these poor people.

I helped Kru Noon and did everything she asked of me. I like her – she has been very sympathetic and she lamented and apologised for what she knows is a terrible school. She’s stuck there so I consider myself quite lucky. I came home and forgot about my tasks and challenges today as I felt like I had lost my focus due to these events. Not to worry. I’ll get back onto it tomorrow, though do feel like I am on holiday now.

Your emotions make you a monster – 20th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the opportunity to apply to a new school today. I’m hopeful I can make a good impression

Within that head of yours is all the reason and intelligence you need. Make sure your mind is in charge, not your emotions.

Daily Stoic Journal

To-do list

  • Print out the InFocus lesson plan content ✅
  • Listen and take notes at the interview ✅
  • Better prepare for Bruce’s lesson (30 mins) ✅
  • Check stoicism units on FB ✅
  • Write a blog post

I felt pretty good going into today and even getting thrown an extra class suddenly didn’t bother me too much.

The morning flew by enjoyably enough and the interview at CRPAO went well and then chatted with George for a couple of hours so by the time I got home I was feeling pretty good.

I still occasionally think about Kimi and it almost brings a tear to my eye (even as I write this now) but I understand that there is nothing I can do about this. I can acknowledge the feeling and carry on.

Whilst my mind has been a bit less scattered these last two days I still feel a little less clear and focussed. I think the possibilities of a new workplace can help me refocus and brush out some cobwebs.

I really want to pursue the meditation practice more fully as I believe that could have the biggest benefit for me. My mind is always full of things – I’d like there to be a little less going on in there.

Tomorrow, I think I will be happy and positive and looking forward to the weekend – as busy as it might be.

I lost my membership card to the human race – 17th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.

I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.

I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.

Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.

I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.

I love you Kimi.

I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.

To-do list

  • Passwords for Amy ✅
  • Investigate emotional control ½
  • Be nice to people you don’t like
  • Go to gym after work
  • Look at G’s lesson plans ✅

I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.

I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.

Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.

I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.

The time is so little, the time belongs to us – 28th June 1994

The Chase
~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What a sad affair yesterday’s entry was but now it is written the emotion has passed. If you’d like to know, writing things down helps you to sort things out, makes things clear – hell, you probably know all this already.

But now let me tell you about the sky. Oh sweet sky, sapphire desire. Last night I happen to glimpse the sky at what must’ve been a quintessential moment in time, just as Saturn went through Jupiter (or some such nonsense). I could see miles onto the horizon where the blue was hazy, light and white, like a faded blue, sunbleached by time. And up, slowly becoming substantial, deepening, a brief flurry of fluffy white and on and up til oh, so deep the colour, like eyes, big, deep pools of the vivescense (if there is no such word – imagine it, goddamn) and my breath was taken away. I looked and looked and loved and my attitude changed. I filled up on good feelings and daydreamt about Australia and blue and water and life. Soon these dreams will turn into reality – easy!

Well, besides these things I can tell you the following that destiny threw at me and I faced proud and strong (god, Shaun, you are dramatic). Here’s some tiny things I did!

Munched out at the Thai restaurant with both the women in my life, my sweetheart and my mum! Being the only customers, we were waited on hand and foot by the whole staff (could have been the whole family) and served up delicious delicacies, beers and dessert. But remember to speak slowly and in sign language or better still, learn their language. They were sweet and willing though.

Of course, there’s been fucking tons of football on and I’ve been watching as much as possible. Too much to tell you about here – buy the video!

Broni fell off her bike in the middle-of-the-road – luckily not the busy one but I watched in despair as she keeled over unable to put her foot down, her laces being wrapped ’round the pedal and so sweet, her baby crying face as she sat, dumped on her back, on the tarmac. A couple of bruises to show now. You know, she bruises so easily – I have to be very careful when I pick her up and turn her upside down.

I was thinking anyway, about us, and fuck, there’s magic between us. I think some of the more cynical of you out there might think we’re like soppy sloppy teenagers but I reckon you just haven’t come across this feeling before (and fuck I love this feeling, I just want to suck it all up, more more more). But you know, you’re all okay too. You can guess we’re both still madly, badly in love with each other. If that makes you sick, you make me sad. I still have faith in the human spirit. Some of my friends out there give me that faith.

Hell, went to see ‘The Chase’ too, with Henry Rollins playing some meathead cop (total fucking irony – who said Americans don’t understand irony!), with a soundtrack featuring NOFX, Bad Religion, Down by Law, Rancid and a ton more. You know it’s punk to go to the cinema, don’t you! Yes, it’s true – everything you do with your life is punk.

You know me, I probably did a million other things though now I’m not in such a fucking hurry. Taking it easy up until launch date – no stress for me and my baby. As always will keep you informed.