Tag: experience

Ugly Duckling – 4th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I lied to myself for a long time
I always understood the truth
Under the twisted thoughts of mine
Born of the immaturity of youth

It’s always a struggle, always a fight
To keep the evil demons at bay
Complacency can be found in the light
And the beasts come out to play

Finally, I sought to reject these lies
Because I was slowly killing myself
I broke the bonds of the feeblest ties
And my mind rediscovered its health

Today I’m feeling:

Good and fairly positive. I woke up with a start as my alarm went off implying that I didn’t get enough sleep. I pushed through exercise knowing I was burning up some fat stores as I didn’t eat much at all yesterday, not feeling that hungry, and weighing in under 80kg again today. Throughout the day I was surprised at how well I was feeling and I put it down to the exercise I’ve been doing which inspired me to keep it up.

Today I’m grateful for:

The packet of Tong Garden jumbo raisin medley that I mix with a small packet of party snack mix to add some texture and flavour for a pre-dinner treat.

The best thing about today was:

Being greeted by so many different students, many of whom I didn’t even know, some talking to me about other students in my classes. Everywhere I walk around school students want to talk or at least communicate with me though they can sometimes get cheekily upset when I forget their name, though I might not have spoken to them for three months. I’m slowly starting to find where each little ‘gang’ hangs out at lunchtime so if I’m in the mood and have time I will happily wander around for an hour stopping for chats, play, and sometimes even learning.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In the morning I realised what I’d planned for my class today they had already done, so I quickly threw together a spelling test, 20 words open book and 20 words closed, along with a word search game for each.
I started the class with the word search but it soon became apparent that it was really difficult and was going to take longer than expected. As I wanted to do both word searches and tests in one hour I quickly jumped online and remade the second word search easier. Even with that though we didn’t manage to get everything done.
There are some poor students in the class who really struggle with spelling and a couple that didn’t write anything at all on the second one. I told them that it didn’t matter if they got everything wrong but they must at least try. One student did indeed get every word wrong but I could tell from what she’d written that she was at least listening and trying. That’s what I prefer, especially as opposed to some others who just copied from their friends.

Something I learned today?

I learned that two of my favourite students had a falling out a few weeks ago and I was a little surprised by it at first but on reflection it’s pretty normal for kids this age. I heard both their stories but couldn’t really get to the bottom of it and either way, I still love them both for who they are with me.

In the morning I had been updating blog entries from 1984 and was disparaging towards Rupert with whom I had been friends with just a week or two before and unfriendly a month or two before that. At that time I was a couple of years older than these two students today, which goes to show how immature I was at then despite hearing how mature I seemed from other people.

What do I hope to experience some day?

Sometimes I miss that feeling of excitement and discovery of new love but it’s been so long and I guess I’m somewhat jaded, just by my age, that if the situation ever arises again I doubt the feeling will be the same. Really, I prefer the feeling I have now anyway, of ongoing love, trust and satisfaction.

I’m avoiding the question. 

Have I had all my experiences already? I’m barely shocked or surprised at anything these days. I’m appreciative of being appreciated or rewarded with kind words or even awards but they don’t emotionally charge me at all. I feel like I’m just doing what I do. 

I guess I could do some thrill-seeking or travelling. But ultimately everything boils down to the same thing. Being in one place is much like being in another.

Okay, I hope to experience continuing happiness with my little Amy wherever we are in the world. I hope I can take my current feeling of contentment with me in whatever is next in my life.

I took this picture because this shy little cat often sleeps in the shade of my car whilst I’m drinking coffee at House. It’s too nervous for petting though.

Space Measurer – 7th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Born, as a city born
No random fluke
A memory made it all
Made an engine to get here
To travel through time
No spontaneous abundance
No existence without this

How does the arrow know
In which direction its time does flow?

Endless, insufficient, endless
Easy to discard, to waste
Measured up, down and sideways
Space inside a space

Today I’m feeling:

A little strange. But only because I won’t go to school until the afternoon. I’m envious of people who can wake up and do leisure activities before going to work. I’m a wake-up and work person. I like to get the difficult stuff done first and then fully relax. Right now I’m wound up and ready to go with nothing in particular to do. I’ll happily fill my time but in the back of my mind is that anticipation.

Today I’m grateful for:

A little conversation I had with my student Tonaor after school. She and another student missed my class cos she was off doing something so when I saw her I asked what they were doing. She said it was some training about dealing with depression. I was quite surprised to know that this was on the agenda at school and would like to find out more.
I also asked Tonaor if she thought she was depressed (which is something I wouldn’t have said was obvious with her) and she said sometimes and that the only time she is happy is when she is with her boyfriend. She understands that this feeling could lead to issues later in life and I’m glad she is a little self-aware though at 13 also understands she doesn’t have the skills yet. 
I like conversations like this (though it was mostly through translation), getting beyond superficial and playful talk. Some students feel very comfortable doing that with me which I take as a great compliment.

The best thing about today was:

A three-hour sleep-in with dreams about being on a bus or train. Perhaps a reminder that life is about the journey rather than the destination as I woke up before getting to the end. I was surrounded by people I knew but now can’t figure out who they were. It may have just been representations of people I was at school with or something like that.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy called whilst I was watching the football (see below) as she was just about to catch a ferry home and I would be accompanying her for the duration. Well, that’s fine, I can pause the game and carry on later. About 15 minutes in she realises she is on the wrong ferry, so to make use of the time I went out to the garden and picked some weeds whilst we were talking.
Eventually, she got back to dry land and had to dash off to the bathroom so she said she’d call back. I decided to stay out in the garden though. As the storm that was threatening got blown away, I started watering. Later Amy called back and I did accompany her home and about an hour and a half after starting our call I was able to get back to the football.
Despite leading for most of the game we lost in the last ten minutes and my superstitious mind tells me they lost because Amy interrupted my viewing of it! Of course, I know that’s ridiculous but is something that often crosses my mind. If this didn’t happen then that wouldn’t have happened. From there it goes in ever-decreasing circles. Now I’ve had this thought that also affects the outcome, and then that thought has done the same and on and on. Imagine if we could harness mind power purely for knowledge advancement rather than for ridiculousness.

Something I learned today?

The Swans game was last night and I didn’t even know. I can watch it on replay this evening – woohoo!

(not so much woohoo after watching it!)

What experiences have shaped me as a person?

Er…. all of them? My experience today, this evening, the last five minutes, are all accumulating second by second. Each shaped by the one before into a big mess that forms habits and thoughts that can be identified and hopefully reshaped over time.
I watched an interesting podcast yesterday where comedian Antony Jeselnik said that he was glad he didn’t have his life worked out when he was 17. Everyone he knew who did, ended up in a boring humdrum existence. He said if you’re happy and have everything figured out in your fifties then you can be certain you’ve lived a good life. I kinda feel like that’s me though I’m still uncertain if I have anything figured out. 
So when I see how my students are at school, having fun, playing and generally behaving like children, which is exactly what they are, I guess they will figure things out in their own time too. Who’s to say one form of education is better than another when it comes to the specific realities for these kid’s lives? Being top of the class doesn’t necessarily bring happiness.

I took these pictures because Amy messaged me if I was at school and I sent her these. Is this a school? Every day is playtime for them. They did the work I asked of them though what I ask of them each week diminishes more and more! It’s 2.30 Friday afternoon and the roof fans are just stirring up the hot air that saunters in from outside. It’s relentless and difficult to avoid, sapping energy quicker than a 5-cent battery. I’m fascinated to know where my students might end up in the future.

Alone – 13th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

On the other side of the mountain
Down the rivers run
Whether a lord or beggar
You are no one

A society must assume that it is stable, but the artist must know, and he must let us know, that there is nothing stable under heaven.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:
Happy but quiet
Today I’m grateful for:
The stacks of bricks and blocks we have strewn around. As I was cleaning up outside the kitchen area I moved the muddied-up blocks to make a shelf to put our recycling bags on. Perfect.
The best thing about today was:
A uni student saying hello to me as I entered Daytripper and then another smiling at me. I imagine I can still look likeable when I want to.
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
I suppose it is when I started teaching at my first school. CRPAO primary. I was nervous and thrown right on the deep end but I think that was the best way. That job worked out well in gaining experience at teaching and not so well at gaining experience with nasty vindictive people. It’s all for the best though, even though it was very stressful at the time. Now, because of those experiences, I think the risk has paid off immensely and I’m really enjoying what I’m doing.

I took this picture because Tigger can look so photogenic at times. Here he looks very handsome.

No, I’m not too late, it’s just these stupid kids – 22nd November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Sitting in my class annoyed at the boys who have almost all forgotten to do or give me the work they were supposed to do. Reading an interview about stoicism I’m reminded about things I can and can’t control.

How to motivate this class of lazy kids to remember that they have many things to do, and to manage my own emotional reaction when they don’t do it? Hmmm.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to experience things in this world that I never expected. I’m not a great fan of some of these animals but it’s very interesting compared to the simple critters I grew up with in England. Amazing to think about where I am in the world now. 15 or 25-year-old me would never have imagined this.