Our fear of death is negated by our fear of living Buried underground with our fear of breathing Miracles abound and they never stop giving But our closed doors of perception have stopped receiving
Imagining differences is part of the madness of groups.
Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling: Happy but then lethargic after two cocktails with late lunch Today I’m grateful for: Having spare pots around to transfer a cactus that kept falling over. I’m quite proud I’ve managed to keep some of them alive since Amy has been away. This one is a hardy one that had got too tall and unwieldy. The best thing about today was: Talking, playing and having fun with all different students. It’s starting to feel familiar for all of us now. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Another class today straggled in late but this time I just went with the flow, knowing that these kids wouldn’t react so maturely as the ones yesterday. It got them in the right mood to do my work and to be happily pushed along What cities do you want to visit? All of them. Why not!? I’m trying to think of a city I wouldn’t want to visit…
I took this picture because Goya was in a lively and artistic mood and apparently this is a drawing of me… She captured my shirt well! Goya is a smart kid but also a bit of a handful.
My fear of life is necessary to me, as is my illness. Without anxiety and illness, I am a ship without a rudder. My art is grounded in reflections over being different from others. My sufferings are part of my self and my art. They are indistinguishable from me, and their destruction would destroy my art. I want to keep those sufferings.
Edvard Munch
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our wheelbarrow and shovel. They helped me move rocks around Amy’s cactus garden. Sometimes I can’t believe I own a wheelbarrow. All the other components of being grown up seem minor in comparison. A wheelbarrow!
It’s amazing how one emotional event can soon be overshadowed by a larger one therefore putting the first into more perspective. On Friday I fought for what I believed and ended up in a cloud of destructive self doubt. On Saturday it all became irrelevant.
I try to clear my mind. Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it. Thoughts come charging, running across my imagination. Focus. Re-focus. But they come too quickly, from all sides. Emotions rising from my belly, adding to the darkness inside.
I started writing a diary in 1994 after my best friend Steve Burgess passed away aged only 23. I kept that up for the year that saw me move from England to Australia. I continued writing bits and pieces over the years and then in 2018 I decided to start this blog and document another transition moving from Australia to Thailand. The final move date was decided by my mother’s passing in February 2019.
Now I have to write again about another best friend passing away, this time not significant of anything. Just another Saturday. He was 36 years old.
I’m shocked and devastated. I don’t have many people I would consider as close friends and now another has gone. Rationally I know it happens, it happens to everyone. Everyone you know will be gone. Everyone you love. But I’m not feeling rational again yet. Just let me be like this for a while. I’ll be ok.
I love you Kimi.
I’m starting to see why people find comfort in religion. Their faith counters our natural fear of death. If it all boils down, that is all it is. And that’s fine. I have to learn to deal with my fear of death by living now. The fear of death should make us happy.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have the chance to make another day count.
To-do list
Passwords for Amy ✅
Investigate emotional control ½
Be nice to people you don’t like
Go to gym after work
Look at G’s lesson plans ✅
I got through school today in a bit of a blur but it was OK. Asikin messaged me and told me how Kimi died and I decided to go and visit in a couple of weeks time.
I’m thinking a little differently about teaching now and trying not to let the kids bother me. If they don’t want to learn, then forget about it. I’ll try my best but I will try not to let them affect me.
Tomorrow I will try to read more about emotional control – what I read today was OK but a bit superficial. My self-control was tested with the kids but I didn’t lose it, even though I sometimes had to raise my voice to be heard.
I learned today that bad feelings don’t have to last a long time and I can make the choice about it.
1994ever 