Slowly sipping on iced lemon teas Savouring the freshness of the breeze – Who will prepare the food to bring? – Who will push and pull the swing?
Feet put up and nestled with a read Imagining there’s nothing else to need – Who will make sure the dog is fed? – Who is gonna bake the daily bread?
When the body is settled in for rest And doing nothing then becomes a test – Who will ensure the grass is mown? – And cut the trees that are overgrown?
Dreaming of more of these lazy days Wondering what the bee to the flower says – Who’s gonna counter the middle-aged spread? – The time to sleep is when you’re dead
Tired, dizzy and upset. I slept very badly, waking at 4 am thinking about Amy and how I haven’t been supportive enough of her.
I was remembering that I had written that when Amy returned from Australia it would be good for her to get some business going and every time we have talked about it it has just felt impossible, in that it feels like it would be too much work for too little return.
Along with the many events since she got back, Grandmum passing, her brother’s wedding (and various issues that that has raised) and friends visiting, it hasn’t really but been easy for her to focus on starting a business too.
But now I feel that this may be able to focus her attention away from sitting around at home and brewing and stewing about things going on.
I started to wonder if one of the reasons that I am generally happier is because I am busy all the time. I don’t have time to think about the little annoying things that bother me. Maybe Amy needs that distraction.
I wanted to talk to her this morning about this but she is very grumpy and short with me. When I asked what was wrong she just said that it was her problem and no one else could help her. She said it’s nothing about me, that I do everything right, I’m a good husband and she needs to be by herself.
Of course, that could mean anything. Will she leave again? Will she leave for good?
I’m really upset about all this but still have to keep my head for work at school. I’d rather be sleeping and not having to think about all this. Wild scenarios are playing out in my head and none of them are particularly good.
Today I’m grateful for:
My umbrella. For my last class (grade 10s) I gave a brief overview of two pieces of work that I wanted them to do, whilst at the same time we would go to the gym to watch one of the students playing volleyball. Just as we arrived there though the game finished.
I sent the work to our chat group and most of them started doing it whilst a few seemingly slipped away (but I will catch them!). As they started working though, a huge storm came and flooded the school and also trapped us in the gym on the other side of the football pitch. We were stuck there for about an hour and I helped everyone who was having difficulty (and I’m chasing those who got away now this evening).
Having planned ahead and bringing my umbrella I made my way back across the field and into the flood! Some kids were trying their best to stay dry whilst others took advantage of the slippery playground and dived headlong across the basketball court.
The best thing about today was:
A poem that I wrote today. Somewhat inspired by events as written here, it was a challenge to write using lots of metaphors and I feel like I did it well.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Not being in the best of moods I struggled with my first class (grade 8s) this morning as they were unfocussed and doing their very best to wind me up. I ended up choosing a group of about ten boys, some of who were messing around and I asked them to leave. Things were a bit easier after that though still a struggle.
I sent a message to their homeroom teacher and deducted 5 points from everyone for their disrespect and then tried to forget about it.
Looking back at old entries here I can see that I have said before that it seems that each year’s students seem to be less and less able (generally speaking) and so it seems this year. I am teaching out of a book that I used with grade 7s a couple of years ago and many of these grade 8s just look at me bewildered!
I had texted a message to Amy earlier with what I wrote above in the What I’m Feeling section and when I got home she was very upset at what she perceived as an attack on her. Whilst that was not my intention at all I listened as she finally started to open up and get things off her chest.
(Reading back what I wrote I don’t really see an attack on her (of course we all perceive things differently) and I was really just thinking out loud because there was no communication at all last night)
As she was talking I thought perhaps I have misunderstood some things – particularly when it comes to her happiness. She tells me that she is happy with things at home, with us but not with the things that she can’t control such as the family issue and dealing with the bullshit builder.
I said that I thought that she was unhappy because of all these things and always talking about returning to Australia. So perhaps I misread some of this and so she took affront at me trying to find ways to keep her busy.
She is a very good homemaker, a great cook and takes care of most everything around the house and I certainly appreciate that about her. I do not want her to leave me here again for a long period of time if it’s possible. Yes, we can both survive by ourselves but I was only happy doing that knowing that we were still together, talking every day and supporting each other.
Amy says that I am very involved with my work and students and perhaps that is something that I need to pull back from somewhat. I know that whilst Amy was away I put all my love into little Kim Chi and all my heart into my work. Now that she’s here again I need to shift my focus back to her.
We are both still upset and ruminating but at least some talking has happened and we both understand each other a little better.
Something I learned today?
I was chatting with Lin and though she was frustrated that she couldn’t say everything that she wanted in English she did very well. I suggested that next year she change to the English Program but then she told me that her parents want her to be a doctor.
I asked her what she wanted to be and she semi-seriously said a K-pop idol. I asked if she could sing and she sang me a little song. I then asked her about dancing and she said she could but she was too shy to demonstrate.
When I suggested that being shy won’t help her to be an idol she changed her mind to be a gangster’s wife!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I chide myself for my selfishness and lack of understanding of the person closest to me in my life.
I chide myself for a lack of imagination and taking things for granted when it comes to taking care of our relationship.
This project is almost over Say your farewells and let me go I’m tired of these waking hours It’s time I slept Don’t shed tears, it’s not failure But a circuit complete I dream one day to be an eagle Or a happy fat cat But now we must let it be
You’re welcome to say a prayer But save it for yourself Whisper it to your own ear And listen to that breath
Today I’m feeling:
Well enough to exercise again but I’m coughing up lots of phlegm and although my throat isn’t too sore from coughing its giving me a headache.
I’m pretty tired after my first class and could easily sleep. At least I finish at 2.30 and can get home and relax for a while.
Today I’m grateful for:
My grade 8 class students slowly maturing, advancing their skills and understanding what I require of them. I’m starting to like them again, despite loving and loathing them!
The best thing about today was:
Finishing writing up two books to blog posts. Now there’s a bit of space in my bag again though there’s plenty more books to go yet.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My broken tooth is starting to get sensitive and its fricking painful to drink anything cold. My other dodgy teeth seem to also be coming out in sympathy pain too.
I go to the dentist in a couple of days but I don’t think that they will fix it there and then (unless they have a go at pulling it out, which maybe the best option in the end)
Something I learned today?
There’s a lot of volcanic activity in the world at the moment so it seems though perhaps it is just that I’m seeing more of that type of information presented to me. In the same manner it seems to be flooding everywhere that is usually a desert.
Our perceptions are so easily manipulated.
Hey, all is quiet down our street.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I tried to get over my dislike of one of my students by involving him in the class a little more and trying to be firm and consistent when he acts up.
In another class I supported a couple of the struggling readers with some one-on-one time and also tried to broker peace in a quarrel that they were having.
Amy ordered a new shoe rack which I duly put together with little complaint even though there were other things I wanted to do.
I believe there were no vile deeds today (as per most days now).
What are some of the sources of stress in my life right now?
Not having a visa currently us a little stressful, though in the process of getting sorted out.
The possibility of not getting paid next month is also stressful especially as I have a few things that require some extra cash, such as getting my teeth fixed again.
Busy turning humans into robots Learning to love the monotony Building robots to resemble humans Forming a ridiculous dichotomy
It has always been hard for me to understand myself, to know why I work and love and live. Yet it is fortunate that such matters find a way of caring for themselves.
Rockwell Kent
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the workers that helped clear the streams a few years ago so that it is not so easy to flood the land around us during the rainy season. I wonder where they all are now.
Now is the time of change. After a long sticky summer and apparent death to all plant life suddenly the rains come. Despite the cooler temperature the humidity rockets making one wish for the drier heat of summer. After a week or so of the rains, those apparently dead plants now threaten to destroy everything built by humans, house swallowed up by jungle. Thankfully, the snakes go and hide from the rain; somewhere…they are always hiding. We call the gardeners, they do their work but it looks like they need to come back again the following week, the week after and so it goes.
And soon the rain deluges. Not much thought seems to be given to drainage. Perhaps it’s just an inconvenience for a month or two and not worth the investment but a lot of shoes get wet or you may choose to stay at school until the water has eventually seeped away.
Some creatures have little care for the foibles of the weather. They always find the right spot.
At the tail end of the season we head to a hot spring where we can soak our legs for free at varying degrees of insane heat. Kids play and splash in the 30 degree water while we suffer in the 45. No one is even close to the 85 degree water – who would be!? Predictably, whilst we are there, it starts raining. Later, at a restaurant, I can’t feel my legs. They are either relaxed or in shock. Either way, the no-feeling is good.
As if to signal the end of the rainy season (after a brief 6 to 8 weeks, though thankfully much more rain than last year) critters emerge.
Weird hairy caterpillars bumble about and the snakes make a reappearance. One morning as I’m leaving for work I’m surprised to find a couple of small crabs standing guard in the driveway. Amy says they usually live in the rice fields but to me it seems so weird to see crabs about 500kms away from any coast.
And so it seems the rain has ended until next July. We get out and pay a visit to the border market town of Mae Sai and shop for more socks and underwear and visit our favourite cafe/bar/restaurant.
This parrot announces our arrival like a door chime fog horn and I jump out of my skin. Other birds step out but thankfully don’t squawk.
The cafe is hidden away in a market, down a hallway that then opens out into this fantastic courtyard of artwork and decorations. All sorts of obscura adorn every space. In a shed area the owner keeps his batches of homemade hootch though he tells us that he was recently fined one hundred thousand baht and forced to pour it all away.
However, he disappears off somewhere for a few minutes and re-appears with a couple of bottles of plum shoju which are duly purchased. He remembers us from our last visit back in October and doesn’t seem to phased about his fine and lose of illegal merchandise. In fact the cafe is only open for 4 hours a day and I’m not sure anyone goes there to eat.
He potters around rearranging things, happy to chat about life but also happy to be alone by himself. He owns the whole market area and can easily survive of the income from rent. Nice life.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the toilet paper at DeLanna. Sometimes I forget to take paper to the bathroom at school and have to sit and wait for my bum to dry. Luckily, today the timing was right and I could use the facilities at DeLanna.
To-do list
Compliment someone ✅
7-minute workout again ✅
Write a blog post during the day ✅
It’s now the 21st! I have gotten busy with my normal routine things but also added some yoga practice to my day. As well as home workouts, meditations and Thai practice getting a bit longer as I get better at them.
I’ve made myself busy again but I am also mostly happy these days. Writing here has gone by the way for now. I’ve even committed to some Thai lessons on Tuesday afternoons.
There are still some feelings and emotions that I would like to explore further but I’ll not push myself with them much at the moment. I will try to write here more often – maybe focus on particular things.
This is certainly not the rain of England. The snitty spitty in-your-face cold annoying dull grey wet of Atlantic weather. This is the joyous cooling rain of the tropics, life bringing to our plants – flood bringing to the roads and fields.
The fisherman was still paddling his boat around the river and I wished I was him.
Are you someone or no one? Are you alive or dead? – Subhumans, ‘Rain’
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the rain today. It’s cool and refreshing and feeding our plants.
Brain dump
Bad weekend full of negative thoughts – still now struggling with it. Hayden and I are the same – I can see now. When I look at his life there seems to be a key event that has caused him problems – i.e. when he got bashed.
I got punched a couple of times in my youth too but I didn’t put much significance into those events – but maybe they did leave some effect. I know I was dark for some time after both of them and when I look at them now I can conceive that I deserved to be punched both times. But does anyone deserve that? Am I selling myself short?
Stopped painkillers for now and double sertraline again – see if I can get some stability back. Feel like I’m too serious and not enough fun.
Talked with Amy last night. She pointed out that I don’t know enough about Hayden and his life. He always gets a little defensive about any questions about what he is doing though so usually I just wait for him to offer up information. This time I guess both me and his mum waited too long. Yes, I blame myself. But at least now is a chance to do something about it I guess.
I’ll try to talk to him about this today. Hope I can keep my own head clear.
Now it’s Monday and my head is on straighter. I woke up more inspired despite having to go back to work – where we are doing nothing. Somehow I was motivated – perhaps my doubling my sertraline. Perhaps by Amy putting things clearly for me before sleeping last night.
I was fortunate to be able to talk with Hayden this afternoon and he sounds so much more hopeful too. We agreed to talk to each other more often and in more depth in the future. I felt so much better to hear him talk more clearly and deeply. I told him that he is very much like me – I can understand the way he thinks and all the negative self-talk he puts on himself. I do that plenty too – usually, I can get over it well enough and I’m glad to say I’m over that little dip from the weekend. Let’s see if I can continue.
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