Tag: flowers

My Own Despair – 5th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I just want to feel numb today
Don’t need the good things you say
Just want to sleep and fail to care
Just want to wallow in my own despair

I want nothing that can be had
I just want to be happy being sad
I want to punch and scream and yell
Let me remain in my personal hell

I want to sink into a deep depression
I want to be familiar with this obsession
I want to be alone, I want to be there
Just let me wallow in my own despair

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, a little uninspired but forcing myself through a to-do list I made last night. It’s distracting me as much as it can but little Kim is everywhere in my mind. Thinking about doing some meditation but think I will be unable to clear my mind and all I will end up thinking about is Kim. I’m tired but slept well and eight hours. I’m looking forward to watching the last two episodes of Top Boy and trying to save them for tonight. I’m at Utopia again this afternoon, enjoying this four-coffee high but wondering if I can get back to crossing something off my list or just falling into watching tv or reading. I need to eat too so that should give me a little brain boost as well.

Today I’m grateful for:

The farmers burning in the mountains behind our house. Why?  Well, it looked like they did it when the wind was taking the smoke over the mountain rather than down into the valley. Sorry for the folks that live up there. I wanted to turn into a giant and pour a glass of water over it all and blow away the smoke like I was the Monkey King or something. Despite my comforts I am a victim of poverty too. Tonight, ash is rain.

The best thing about today was:

I dosed and lucid-dreamed, a coffee coma, whilst listening to an interview with David Foster Wallace and a review of The Infinite Jest. Makes me want to read it again. As the conversation phased in and out I felt inspired but when I got up my thoughts turned blank. Or more accurately, they returned to the vacuum in my life once filled by a lovely little cat. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The fires were out of my control but as I mention above I try to make the best of it by imagining they were trying to do the right thing whilst doing the wrong thing.

Something I learned today?

I took a little ride around on the way home from Utopia this afternoon and discovered new roads and paths further into the mountain jungle, where fires have already burned out. There’s lots more building and activity going on. Land being cleared may be for new crops or new houses.
Sometimes I don’t recognise places that I rode through only a year ago.

Who has made a difference in my life lately?

This may be one of the usual suspects. Amy and Hayden. My circle is small, I’m fine with that even though I know it can leave me vulnerable in the future. So for people who have made a difference perhaps I might say Bruno for his friendship or David as a work colleague. Maybe the staff at my favourite coffee shops or customers that I have made friends with. Just their small contributions to my life make a difference.


I took this picture because I thought these flowers had all gone already. These are on the corner of the pond below Lake Hill Resort. The pond has now been landscaped for fishing and lots of jungle cleared to transform the area.

Done – 21st March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In the time it took to read this line
A million things could’ve been done
I’m feeling fine, searching for the perfect rhyme
Though perhaps this isn’t the one

Did you do the things you always wanted to?
Or just work away the days
I guess it’s true we never think things through
And time is the crime that never pays

Today I’m feeling:

Good but a little tired due to sleeping late. Walked to Utopia as a counter to having an afternoon nap, coming to try their new Affagato which has got my heart racing. Contemplating what to do if I go home or to walk on to Daytripper but then what to do there…

Today I’m grateful for:

My crappy old earphones that allowed me to listen to a podcast as I walked around in the heat. Am I the old man that prefers to listen to people talking about music rather than listening to music?

The best thing about today was:

In the afternoon, after walking back home and having a shower I felt inspired to read and got hungry so ate my salad before calling Amy at cat feeding time.

Still with some energy, I did a bit of watering as dusk settled in.

As I went to close the gate I was still not satisfied and decided to pull up the vines that grow behind our driveway’s tall grass. Pulling them out is a great feeling and I didn’t really notice the humidity, the grass cuts on my fingers and my itchy skin until Tangmo came along and distracted me and we played with his rope which he happily brought back each time I threw it.

In total darkness now I got back inside and had my third shower for the day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

A message came through for teachers to spend the next week or so crammed in the big hall doing lesson plans. I reckon we’ll be able to drift out pretty quickly but still, it’s not a thrilling prospect, especially as I’m already doing lots of work around my lessons.

Oh well, I have a plan to do the flashcard glueing whilst I’m there rather than do it at home. That’s a good use of the time for me at least. I’ll get my head around everything else and it will be ok.

Something I learned today?

A study produced by Ipsos in Paris found that the Chinese are overwhelmingly the happiest people of the 32 countries questioned. Of course, it’s just one study and people are quick to bring up other studies as counterarguments but there seem to be more and more of these kinds of positive happiness studies of China appearing.

What is the most beautiful place I’ve ever visited?

I’ve seen some beautiful places in Australia, China, Japan, Thailand, Malaysia and pretty much most places I’ve been.

But sometimes there are simple places that stand out not just because of their beauty, which may be seen at any time of year or over the years and decades; places that brought a euphoria with them that might never be repeated, the smells and sounds nostalgic indicators, the people those moments may have been shared with.

Riding a pushbike through Branksome Chine, a hidden pond in the English countryside discovered one summer evening, the rocks off the path in the bush down to Middle Harbour discovered during a lunch break with TLJ, in an artists warehouse anticipating bands to perform.

I took this picture because I’d noticed these flowers on the weekend as I rode home. As I was walking today I had time to stop and grab this shot.

New Maps – 22nd February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I have the sky, you make the borders
I have a foot on the ground to stand
Watching those with their marching orders

I saw the trains roll by a-rattling
And engineers mapping new land
Over which young men were battling

As history changed it still stayed the same
New lines were drawn as planned
To remind us all of a deeper shame

Where you sit now is where you’re at
It was never special or even grand
But tall tales told will make it that

15th Sep 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt – map

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and mellow

Today I’m grateful for:

Baking soda which seems to have reduced the smell of cat pee in my mattress considerably. I may need another 10 kilos to completely fix it but hopefully, the mattress will start smelling of me and my sweat again soon.

The best thing about today was:

Was talking with a lady I often see at House who usually says hello in English but we never talked beyond that. I could tell she was quite chatty by the way she talks with Gui and today we started talking as we waited for Gui to get out of the shower (as we were technically there before he was open). Her name is Poy and she has pretty good English skills.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My students blatantly copying work and just laughing when I point it out to them. What can I do? I just laughed with them too.

Something I learned today?

The New York Times ran an anti-China piece about how a top Chinese banker has been detained by police in China, trying to show that bad things happen there.

However, people from all around the world commented that it’s good to see a country not afraid to detain high-level officials especially if they actually have done something wrong because that rarely happens in so-called free societies as are believed to be in ‘the West’.

How have I experienced wonder or awe lately?

My life and feeling these days is quite steady and stable without the highs and lows that come with awe or negative thoughts. I was quite in awe as I did my bike ride last month as I found myself exploring new hills and valleys secreted away aroundabouts. A little bit of that was enhanced by a hit of acid but still, I was feeling awe and wonder.

I took this picture because the colour of the numerous flowers on this tree forced me to pull over as I was driving by. This is an acceptable drive-by shooting.

Not Succumb – 13th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Do not succumb, my little friend
Little girl, let’s see the end
Together, hold my hand
By my bed you’ll stand

You must say goodbye to me
This is as these things should be
It’s far too soon for you to leave
Whilst there’s still air for us to breathe

The pain of living is our guide
To put our suffering to one side
To share our dreams and our mistakes
To laugh at all our mischief makes

So stay with me, my little friend
Even though we can’t depend
On each other to fix our pain
We’ll walk ourselves beyond this rain

Today I’m feeling:

Ok, though a little out of sorts

Today I’m grateful for:

All the staff at the hospital that pointed me in the right direction to find Mee. Despite language barriers, we could work things out with some words and pointing.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing today was watching Nong Fah helping Nong Ninja with his reading. She comforted him and helped him with some words. It was so sweet to watch and I was very impressed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Getting a message from Mee from the hospital that she tried to kill herself last night was a bit of a shock. She had talked about her problems with me before but I was hoping she wouldn’t go this far. I think it was a cry for better attention from her family but it’s difficult for me to fully understand her situation.

I went to the hospital to see her and was happy to see her friend Petch there with her. I didn’t really know what to say though. It is hard to express the knowledge that life is long and can easily change for the better in the future. She really needs professional counselling but I’m not sure how easy that is for her to access.

Something I learned today?

It’s not ‘feed a cold, starve a fever’ but ‘feed a cold and a fever’ and whatever, drink lots of water.

What do I enjoy about keeping a journal?

It’s good to get stuff out of one’s head by getting it down on paper. The main thing I enjoy though is looking back at things that were going through my head previously and noticing if I’ve managed to grow and move on since.

I took this picture because as I was walking down the street these blooms stood out against the smoky grey skies.

I received a photo from Mee this morning showing her in hospital and when I asked her what happened she said she tried to kill herself by taking an overdose of pills. I’m not sure how seriously she wanted to die though she’s talked about it before, or if she really just wants to wake her family up to her mental health problems.
From what she told me before, the medicine she is taking isn’t working and I had advised her to talk with her psychiatrist about changing it.
Anyway, after my class I went on a search of the hospital and found her. Her aunt was sitting with her and Petch was also there comforting her in bed. Mee was still groggy and in pain and obviously, we have difficulty talking because of our language skills but I wanted her to know that I cared about her and to see that other people care about her. I asked her not to leave us and hoped she’d feel better soon. There wasn’t much else to say so I left, hoping she appreciates my visit.
I messaged her later telling her I would visit again tomorrow and let me know if she wanted anything.

Weil, Weil, Weil – 28th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There’s a moral obligation to provide
The more power, the more the obligation
Punish those with their authority
Cheating at a higher level of corruption

Yet these moral rules never applied
As they’d level the field for all to play
Perhaps we do not have moral principles
As Simone was want to say

inspired by an Existential Comics page about Simone Weil

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and dizzy, swaying between depression and happiness

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy’s mum and dad again, bringing me food and watering the garden when I had no enthusiasm for cooking/eating or any kind of effort. I need to water daily now as the ground is getting so parched but I haven’t had the energy for 3 or 4 days.

The best thing about today was:

Reading a lot – it was the only thing that felt satisfying. I played guitar for a while but got frustrated easily. I almost finished updating one book of writing into the blog and started preparing my old poems and lyrics so that felt like I achieved something today. For the afternoon I savoured a few more Anton Chekov short stories, a couple of chapters of Affluenza and a couple of issues of Touch and Go. I was reading to get inspiration to write some poems but my brain is still muddled from medicines though I did finally manage to squeeze out four lines.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I video-called with Amy a couple of times during the day. She had been out drinking with her flatmate and was in a happy mood. Unfortunately, I wasn’t but I told myself that I was happy to see her so happy and she did look attractive to me with her big laugh and bright eyes.

Something I learned today?

Through reading today I must have learned lots of things but perhaps they are not particularly significant as they reinforce things that I already know or believe.

What am I looking forward to in the coming year?

This is not something I’ve really thought about. I expect this year to be similar to last and that would be fine for me, I really enjoyed last year. I do look forward to Amy coming back and trying her hand at running a business here and that would entail some changes with the house and that would be an exciting development. But if that doesn’t happen I know everything will still be fine.

I took this picture because this weird plant that seems to grow easily around our cactuses (it may even be a cactus) sported some flowers I found today. The root of the plant grows at crazy angles, sometimes even turning a full 180. I’ve stuck them against some fencing to hopefully encourage them to go straight for a while!

Tall Poppy – 10th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

At first, we like a winner
Until boots are filled too high
The smell of musk becomes too much
And needs to be demoted to ordinary guy

Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else.

Baltasar Gracián

Today I’m feeling:
Lethargic
Today I’m grateful for:
Samuel Beckett (again). I watched about half of Endgame with Michael Gambon and though was enjoying it very much it just made me think that reading it would be a better experience. Its absurdity is very English and reminds me of Vivian Stanshall, Gormenghast and Cacophony-era Rudimentary Peni. Philosophically dark and disturbed, tinged with my favourite laughless humour. I’m grateful to be English!
The best thing about today was:
Reading Anton Chekhov’s short story called A Happy Man. A simple text with a very obvious ending but the set-up was nice and satisfying. I think I felt comfortable knowing what was going to happen and enjoying the happiness of the happy man in question. It’s a reminder for us to be happy in our times of distress and discomfort.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I woke up tired and though could have spent the day productively resigned myself to a three-hour afternoon nap. It was a nice day to have been doing something but I found myself absorbed in nice dreams. I wondered if it was possible to just keep dreaming after you die.
Something I learned today?
I learned about a friend and their story (though told to me second-hand) and can empathise with their behaviours which I dislike. They are in a situation which is a little similar to one I have experienced a couple of times in the past and was difficult for me to deal with but I know now how to avoid arriving there. It’s not really my place to offer advice though I will try to help by perhaps directing their thoughts to other things instead. Distraction can be a good use of time as things may sort themselves out without any action necessary.
What’s the weather like?
This rather dull small talk topic I mention often when writing perhaps because it is still curious to me. Growing up in England the weather was strangely important, maybe it is everywhere. I’m nostalgic for the extremes of English days as they would bring excitement to the mostly dreary bitter days. Now I’m living in opposite-land though more often comfortable at a lack of having to consider what clothes to wear. This morning though I was slightly bleary-eyed, sitting in the sunrise and considering how perfect this day was. I felt awesome.

I took this picture because sometimes the things I plant are out of control. I like this tree at the front, I’ve never seen anything like it and have no idea what it is. Its branches grow in weird directions and its flowers are bright red. Amy wants to cut it back but I’m interested to just let it be and seeing how it develops. I know we’ll probably have to cut it down completely at some point if we build more. Behind are the trees Amy’s mum planted before we built anything, now tall and wide and the tallest is now completely overwhelmed by a climbing plant that has a smallish beginning down by the entertainment area. Again, I’ve let it go wild and enjoy the excellent shade it gives and the gorgeous fat buzzing bees its flowers bring but there’s a chance it will stop the tree from getting enough sun. I figure I will cut it soon though it will undoubtedly make a return.

The Reveal – 29th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Let the sunshine in
But don’t let it burn your eyes
Sometimes you’ve got to win
For time to reveal the prize
This puzzle piece
Is much smaller than it may feel
Take a deep breath
Let time spice the reveal

One must always maintain one’s connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it.

Gaston Bachelard

Today I’m feeling:
Satisfied though a little rundown.
Today I’m grateful for:
My resolve to actually sit and play guitar even though I had been telling myself that I didn’t want to after not really enjoying it for the last couple of days. I ended up playing for about 50 minutes and felt good afterwards.
The best thing about today was:
Finally doing the vacuuming around the whole house and enjoying the result. I can let things get a little dusty and dirty but there’s a point where it’s just too much and has to be done. I don’t have the same resolve to mop the floors though!
If your house was on fire and your family were safe, what would you grab?
I think I’d grab things like diaries, writing, and photos. Things which aren’t replaceable. Most everything else can be replaced or reconsidered whether it was actually needed. When I was younger I would have tried to protect all my records, or maybe my favourites. Since they are mostly all gone now since twice moving countries the fact that I once owned them still carries meaning. I sold all my comics before moving to Australia and then bought many many more in Australia and finally sold all those again before moving to Thailand. Digitisation of all these things at least makes them easily available without having to physically own them. This is slightly saddening to me but I can understand it too. The kids growing up now are hopefully being overawed by things I’m too old to understand.

I took this picture because this weird tree that Jessica’s auntie gave us a few years ago is starting to flower. I should try to find out more about this tree. It’s certainly doing very well.

The Bull Remains – 30th September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

The rain makes the dragonflies dance
Across the green rice field sea
Stalks quivering under droplets weight
Bent to the breeze in a quiet tango
Four rainbows beam from the mountain
Tin rooves announcing progress
Animals seek out shelter
Yet the bull remains, unamused

4th Sep 2024 – Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt

In recent seasons of being, I have had occasion to reflect on the utterly improbable trajectory of my life, plotted not by planning, but by living.

Carl Jung

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and relaxed.
Today I’m grateful for:
The coconut shop that makes delicious iced coconut water drinks. They are delicious but disappear too quickly like good things are supposed to.
The best thing about today was:
As I was walking to the coconut shop a school van pulled up, the door opened and I heard ‘teacher!’ and it was my student Baipad, who I found out lives next door but one to Black Smooth cafe. I think there are a couple of other students in my village but Baipad is the first I’ve actually seen around and all because I decided to walk instead of going by motorbike.

I took this picture because it was only by chance that I saw these strange star-shaped flowers on this cactus. Pretty and pretty interesting.

Next Enemy – 22nd July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Is manufacturing an enemy
The right way to finding peace?
Other powers must be countered
As their influences increase
Not content to share the riches
Unprepared to let release
There’s always money in warfare
So the war must never cease

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful light purple flowers on our climbing plant.

Just looking back at an entry a year ago on 21st July 2020, I note I was not writing as much as before and I can see from this (physical book that I’m writing in) book that I have not been so diligent in the last 12 months. But I’m ok with that.

I still do lots of writing and have changed the focus of entries in this journal a little. I also feel that writing here was a lot more necessary last year than today. I’m feeling more stable in general and ok with everything. I do have to remember though that if I fall down at some point, that the journaling habit is most useful in those times.

I also noted back in that entry from a year ago that I talked about converting all my old DVDs. That task is still ongoing, though almost complete, at least for all the old movies I downloaded and burned to disc. I still have 100s more store-bought DVDs.

Again, I will never have enough time to watch them but I do enjoy the fact that I can and that I can share them for others too. Much like the books on my shelves waiting to be read. I won’t let them be a burden for me. It’s not a task I must try to complete. Collecting, cataloguing, it’s just part of who I am.

Everything had a name and everything had a place – 2nd January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Get people to like you

1. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Ask questions. Listen. Do not judge.
2. Do not correct someone. Do not one-up with a clever story.
3. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying now. Tell yourself ‘I’m not going to say it!’
4. Ask about what challenges people have. Ask for advice.
5. To make strangers feel at ease tell them you only have a minute.
6. Body language – smile slower.
7. If you feel someone is using you just ask them what it is they want and what they hope to achieve. Are you there for me or there for you?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful smelling flowers in my garden. When I walk to my car in the morning they smell so delicious. I am grateful to Amy’s mum for planting them for us.

To-do list

  • Sort lessons for KT for the weekend.
  • Clear emails.
  • Compliment another teacher.
  • Positive feedback for kids always.
  • Do not complain!
  • Organise Chiang Mai trip – where is the office?
  • Add to things to write about list.
  • Buy new pens.

Did it list

  • 30 squats and weightless shoulder presses.
  • Found lessons suitable for Khawthang.
  • Did gate duty and smiled at all the kids.
  • Had to speak at assembly.
  • Got given an exam lesson to cover as Kevin was absent. Dealt with calmly and went ok.
  • Went to city to pick up books and pens.
  • Printed sheets for Prang/Sea and for Khawthang.
  • Read about 7 tips for good conversation.
  • Let people talk, ask questions, do not judge, ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’ etc – sincerely.

I ran out of time quickly today after having to fill in an extra lesson for Kevin’s class. His class had good kids though with good levels of English – so it was quite fun to teach them. I only got told about having to do the class during the assembly. I also had to speak at the assembly as Said wasn’t there either. I’m quite happy with the way I handled my emotions with this. It would have been easy to get upset and complain.
I don’t think I complained today – not out loud anyway!
I didn’t get as much done (reading articles!) as I would have liked but that’s ok.
I need to get some other backup games and lessons up my sleeve in case I’m called on again.
I’m not sure about doing an MEP class next semester. I think it could be more fulfilling but also a lot more work.