Like I’m heading towards exhaustion. After pushing through exercise this morning I felt a bit better but I can feel that the extra energy I had last week from exercising is not here this week. It could just be that there are no students here to help me maintain a little anxious tension in my thoughts and body but I also need to think beyond that. To feel inspired regardless of what the rest of the day holds ahead.
Today I’m grateful for:
The new Quizizz AI that makes it easy to take a text and generate questions from it. Life is getting easier but does that mean it is getting better?
The best thing about today was:
Feeling inspired. I got lots done writing-wise at House this morning and then figured out some good lessons for my grade 10 kids and as I mentioned above, using the new AI tool has made it easier.
And despite my comment this morning about nearing exhaustion, I was still going, adding work to those lessons at 9 pm after a couple of hours of enjoyable guitaring that I had earlier contemplated skipping.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had accidentally closed a file on my computer that was a document of quotes that I wanted to write about but can no longer find the document now that it’s been closed! It’s easy to find books of quotes but I obviously had this one open because they meant something to me but I can’t even remember where it had come from. A minor frustration in the scheme of things.
Something I learned today?
I noticed Momo was a little quiet yesterday and messaged her to see how she was doing. Scrolling back at previous messages I saw that she hasn’t been very happy this semester and is struggling to make friends in her new class. She said she missed Porpieng and Baitong since they moved schools and what I hadn’t considered was when she said that they had been in the same class for nine years and that she never practised making new friends in that time so she thought she was lacking some social skills. I always thought of her as a friendly outgoing person and I think this feeling caught her by surprise.
What skill would I like to learn?
I hope I’m not at the point of learning old-man skills yet. I don’t think I want to play chess or bridge. I still feel like I want to learn to surf. I loved bodyboarding back in my 30s and I know the thrill. I never progressed to surfing though. That time may have passed.
I’m still developing skills in guitar, Thai language, and classroom management amongst other things so I have plenty to be getting on with.
Growing magic mushrooms might be a cool skill to learn!
What’s one thing you made this year?
I made a ton of poetry but that is not something new. I made plenty of messes, but again, nothing new. I made some happy students, a lot of lessons and new student friends.
I made mistakes, though hopefully they are reducing each year.
But what did I make that is something new?
I think it was this year that I made a booklet with all the blog entries from 1979 and sent one to Hayden and another to Sharon.
I also made a notebook with a quote for every day of the year in 2022 that I sent to Hayden.
I made a grave for Kim Chi and as I write this it brings tears but at her grave, I feel pleasant as I pick out the grass to allow the other things to grow there.
One thing I didn’t make is any food. Shoving meals into the microwave or shoving potatoes into the oven does not count.
I took this picture because I found these flowers pretty, standing out against the stark green and the deep blue of the sky.
The tale of the incompetent teenager That can dig himself out of a hole Because this moment will last forever And it’s slowly eating away his soul The book is only at the first chapter And it could easily be snatched away The pleasure is in anticipation For the years, the months, tomorrow and today
Today I’m feeling:
I slept so much last night that my body was stiff when I finally got up. After 13 hours or so of rest I thought I’d be rested enough but I couldn’t muster the energy to even do my usual jumping jacks warm-up or ride my push bike to Utopia. My two coffees also didn’t have the impact I was hoping for perhaps spoiled by the remnants of last night’s beers though the aftertaste was pretty good. By 11.30 I had started to do some reading but found myself nodding off quickly and despite hoping to avoid an afternoon nap I couldn’t resist and started it early. Waking at 1.30 I dashed out for a big plate of lardna before the forecast heavy rain was due still feeling hungry picked up a bunch of ice creams on the way back. Again hoping these foods would turn into energy I sat at home dazed not knowing what to do so put on some music and dosed again. Finally, after talking to Amy and feeding the cats I felt my energy return and picked up the guitar for an hour and a half and read some more. It’s weird how zonked I am on Saturdays now.
Today I’m grateful for:
My energy finally returning as I was finding myself feeling depressed and useless. I’m thinking I need to eat a little more again, especially when I’m working out a little harder than before and even though I’m trying to lose this excess fat. Maybe my balance isn’t quite right yet. I wonder how much of my teenage depression was aggravated by bad eating and sleeping habits.
The best thing about today was:
Reading an inspirational Facebook post from Champ who has been in Melbourne for six months already now. I knew he would post something like this at some point. He is highly motivated and pushes himself and he is a great example for our students to not give up and that if you want to achieve anything you have to keep going, getting back up each time you’re knocked down and working through the tough times. I linked all my students to his post in the hopes of inspiring them.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Yesterday we got a schedule for next week’s scout week. I was hoping to avoid having to get too involved but it looks like I’ve been pencilled in to do a couple of things. It’s a bit annoying and I feel resentful but I reminded myself what I tell my students sometimes, in that sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do and that they even turn out to be fun. I’m talking myself into it slowly though I’d still prefer to be able to do my own thing.
Something I learned today?
Earlier this week Amy was talking about the Titanic and I didn’t know why and she asked if I’d heard the news? What news? She talked about a submersible that takes tourists down to view the wreck had lost contact and they only had two days of oxygen. Amy was incredulous that I knew nothing about this but I was quite happy not knowing about it and wondered what I didn’t know. Anyway, today I did come across a video talking about the fact that the submersible has since been found and that it had imploded killing the five people on board. They played an animation of an implosion and even at a slow speed it lasted less than a second, the water pressure is so strong. Anyone in that situation wouldn’t have had time to suffer. It seems though that discussions before locating the submersible were more morbidly centred around the fact that one person could have survived for twenty days with the available air and how the people might choose who should die so the rest could live. What the fuck is wrong with people?
What is my favourite photo of the week?
I didn’t take many after my ride on Sunday and I already put those here so back to Sunday I came across this big temple in a comparatively tiny village. Someone in the village must be in the money!
I took this picture because Piti was looking majestic and relaxed when I arrived at Utopia.
A starving cycle, a luxury trap The fight for food for generations These are anxious times to live Constantly making preparations Adapted gut, adopted aches Too late to repair our mistakes
Today I’m feeling:
Fairly positive and upbeat. I enjoyed being around the students this morning though still left at 10am as there was nothing specific for me to do. But everyone is in a fairly good and relaxed mood, teachers and students both.
Today I’m grateful for:
The second 20 baht shop I went to that had some cheap nasty leather gloves that I want to use to pull up the grass around the cactuses as the gardeners will just smash all the little hidden ones with the cutter. I don’t feel comfortable asking them to pull out the grass first even though that’s kinda what I’m paying them for. It’s a little annoying task I can do to help the cactuses grow and make me feel good. The gloves are badly made and uncomfortable on the pinky finger but they’ll stop me from getting spiked I hope!
The best thing about today was:
Pretty much everything was enjoyable today. I feel quite happy. I’m still a little guarded when I write that as I still feel that I have no right to be happy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
In our teacher’s room today we were introduced to Ren, a new university student teacher on placement. Kru Mai said he likes to cross-dress and cosplay. George started saying why do we get these strange or ugly student teachers and why not get some hotties instead and then Kru Mai talked about another one (female) starting this week that was cute. I bit my tongue and left. I know it’s just gossipy shit talk but George is often saying things like that. I used to play along and I’m not averse to working with attractive people but it’s usually the weird and unattractive ones who have the best personalities and are more enjoyable to work with. It’s not nice to complain about the lack of beauty in our co-workers and if it’s not sincere then it’s a bad joke.
Something I learned today?
I watched a short documentary about kids speed-cubing, solving Rubic cubes as quickly as possible. Not life-changing but a little interesting. I’m still more impressed by the young Chinese boy who solved 3 cubes whilst juggling them, in under six minutes. When I see crazy feats like that I wonder what more meaningful achievements lie ahead for people like that, or if they expended all their brain power on this inconsequential feat.
What is a decision I need to make?
I can’t decide what to write. Right now, it’s a decision about whether to read a little or just go to sleep.
I took these pictures because this is about as close as these decade-old companions ever get to each other. Still putting my Kim Chi love into these two so taking lots of pictures of them.
You just finished your work orientation and I just started back at school. We’re both moving forward with this next step and who knows where will be by the time we read this. It’s exciting.
I don’t know too much about the kind of work you will be doing but it does sound as if it will be rewarding and fulfilling, along with frustrating and difficult as all work can be. I hope you are enjoying it and getting back some of the good karma that you are putting out there. I don’t believe in karma as an external thing, in that it actually comes back to you from outside yourself. I think it is internal. Helping other people just makes you feel good and more positive about all the things going on around you. What do you think?
When we receive this letter it gives us chance to look back and reflect on the last 12 months. For better or worse, here we are.
Keep blowing, the wind Blow away the aches Blow away the pain Of all of my mistakes
Keep blowing and skronking Blow in the chance To fill the empty spaces With a feverful dance
Today I’m feeling:
Better today but still flat and unenthused. I was able to write out some words, write a lesson plan and bash about on guitar. This all helped a little.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut bringing me a bag of food for which I’m very appreciative. Check the picture for one item plus bagels, yoghurt and dried mango. I also felt a little better after our brief interaction so I’m glad she came to visit.
The best thing about today was:
Just feeling a little better in general. Little Kim is still on my mind particularly as it was this time last week I took her to the vet. Though I miss her I’m starting to feel happy when I think about her now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tigger sat his fat body in amongst the stacks of flashcards that I’d been sorting through. Miraculously he was delicate enough getting up again that he didn’t disturb them. I have to finish sorting them out and packed away before he sits on them again or worse still, sprays on them.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video summarising The Infinite Jest and it reminded me how awesome it was to read and made me feel like reading it again but…. there are a couple of hundred other books begging me not to!
What are three qualities I appreciate about myself?
Perseverance, ability to be alone, caring.
Perseverance because I have learned to just keep going. I’ve learned the things that I am unable to do but if there is something I do but do not do well or easily then I will keep trying. Some of these things I get better at and others I just keep doing them. I used to give up a lot when I was young. Somehow along the way, I learned to enjoy the big challenges. I’m thinking about my first job working at an electrical wholesaler and we always had large quantities of different types of cable. Sometimes the reels would break and the cable would get into a terrible tangle. Everyone hated dealing with this, including me. But I would take the time and set myself the task to do the impossible and untangle it all, measure it and tidy it up. I got pleasure from the end result of this.
My ability to be alone is surely learned from being an only child to a single mum (after my father died before even knowing him). Even though there were always many people around in the places that I lived I knew I was alone and kept myself amused and entertained. Yes, I still don’t play well with others and never enjoy suffering their dramas but I’m at peace with myself this way. Sometimes I watch TV or videos and think how fun it would be to do this and that, to be surrounded by family, part of a gang, hanging with work colleagues etc but then I realise that that is not who I am. And that’s ok. I still feel all those things are possibilities that I may one day entertain and enjoy.
And caring. I know my personality has at times shown extremely uncaring attitudes but I have always felt an existential care for the disadvantaged and underdog. I tend to care more about those who are truly suffering than those who are complaining (knowing I can be just as much of a complainer). I am a utopian dreamer and believe it is a government’s role and duty to provide care for all its citizens. I am only marginally philanthropic. I donate money where I can but don’t often donate my time. I often think about it but never take it further. I care about my close family immensely and I care about my student’s welfare, some would say more than I should.
I took this picture because Nut made this food for me and it was tasty and much appreciated. Middle Eastern and/or Indian inspired.
I have a window to the world If you wish to bother me Ask me for a prayer And I’ll give it to you for free Otherwise, I’ll be here by myself Just my thoughts and me Freedom is in my mind I consider myself to be free
Today I’m feeling:
Tired with headaches and irritated sinuses and eyes, sometimes short of breath.
Today I’m grateful for:
Having gone shopping a couple of days ago and having food to cook in the fridge. I’d thought about getting food outside but really didn’t want to go out again.
The best thing about today was:
When I got home from morning coffee I put on Blondie’s Plastic Letters and blasted it loud as I hung out washing, cleaned up all the cat spray around and then vacuumed everywhere. It’s a great album, my favourite era Blondie.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
With low visibility due to the smoke, I couldn’t help thinking poorly about the situation. I understand I have no control over it but it seems unfair to be subjected to it.
However, I talked myself around by thinking about all the positives of being here, particularly after Amy sent me a picture from a restaurant of her small plate of pasta which looked like something I made (ie. not aesthetically pleasing) and cost her 27 dollars! Unbelievable!
Whilst looking at AQI data I saw that Chiang Mai was the number 1 worst place in the world at over 300 and Sydney was about 98th worst with just 4! I’d pay 27 dollars for clear sky right now.
Something I learned today?
After deleting my poker app because it was just taking up too much time I still watch some videos of games and came across a cheating scandal yesterday and I’ve been hooked on the story since watching lots of videos of interviews and opinions. The poker world is a bit of a crazy place.
What is something that I have been putting off and why?
Yesterday I put off updating this journal because I was engrossed in watching a TV show and when I sat down to write it was past midnight and the question prompt had already, appropriately, changed to this one.
Yesterday’s prompt was ‘What experience do I need to write about’ and my answer, as detailed in this blog, is all of them.
Am I reliving my life because I am no longer living? I like to set myself ridiculous challenges so here I am.
Art took this picture because about once a month I’m his promotion model.
The leaves turned brown since you left I sweep them away across the floor Piled up along with my memories As we said goodbye once more
On your return, the flowers will bloom And the bees buzz with more steel The ground spurts flowers where you step The unreal, once again, real
Today I’m feeling:
Satisfied and relaxed.
Today I’m grateful for:
The friendly people in the Lahu village, who gave Bruno and me a plate of fruit to eat whilst we curiously watched them playing a traditional spinning tops sport.
The best thing about today was:
Several moments of complete satisfaction seeing things on the ride today. Just the simple thing of seeing a couple of puppies follow their human mum across a dirt yard in a traditional wooden shack village surrounded by green and under a bright blue sky was the first in a series of sublime moments. Wonderful.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing springs to mind as being out of my control today. Is that because I just accept everything for what it is or because I was in control of everything? I think the former is more likely than the latter.
Something I learned today?
I guessed I learned the route along the Mae Kok to the west of Chiang Rai and that it can be pretty and with reasonable roads when it’s dry. I’d do this ride again I think. I must’ve learned some minor bits and pieces from Bruno as we were riding and chatting but nothing that jumps out. I learned that Amy can fly from Bangkok to Sydney in the time it takes me to ride to Tha Ton and back!
What’s in the news today?
I have no real idea. I don’t watch any news much but may find out about certain things through YouTube videos and most of what I watch there is not about news but is sometimes commentary on certain current events. I don’t know what’s happening in Australia, the UK and particularly little in Thailand. Almost all news is irrelevant to my life.
I took this picture because these are the happy Lahu kids Bruno and I met next to the river somewhere between here and Tha Ton. They were so happy and surprised to see us.
Nice big long ride today as Amy was in the air back to Australia. Bruno and I left at around 9am and it was still cold to be riding but it wasn’t so unbearable.
As we got beyond our familiar tails, the sun was high and filling the valleys from edge to edge. Bamboo-lined dirt tracks ran parallel to the river, sometimes rising up to form a gorge and then down back towards water’s edge.
Roads were a mix of dirt, concrete, gravel and dust. We had to stop at one point and wait for a concrete pourer to finish pouring a new section of the randomly concreted road onto the regular dirt track. Villagers in this remote area bemusedly staring at the two farang visitors.
Even deeper into the valley we came across a Lahu village and gifted candy to the local kids, dressed in their traditional clothes as some event was going on. Women seemed to be up in a house on the hill whilst the men were playing a spinning top game on the playing field. These were big fist-sized tops, spun with a whipping rope. One spun an initial top and another tried to hit it with their own and then keep them spinning. We couldn’t quite make out the rules but it was fascinating to watch.
We continued on, following the road as it ran mostly next to the river and the concept of time vanished.
By the time we got to our destination – a border checkpoint with Myanmar – we’d been riding for three hours yet barely felt like 30 minutes.
The rare clear skies and clean air deepened all the colours and around every corner was a view, either majestic or curious and interesting.
At the checkpoint, which was way off the beaten track, we laughingly joked that we were likely to get shot, a friendly soldier (out of uniform, because it’s Saturday!) invited us in so long as we didn’t take pictures and besides some bunkers and fences, there wasn’t much going on. He said no one tries to come across here and all they are really charged with doing is fence maintenance. We noticed an awful lot of beer bottles around, which may be a clue to how chilled they were here.
After leaving we charged up on a coffee, which wasn’t tasty but the caffeine hit was superb. We motored on back along the highway, concerned to make it back before it got cold and dark again.
Once home it took me about an hour to get my hearing back and to warm up. Then I was faced with the food dilemma – back to taking care of myself again. What to eat? Luckily, Amy prepared many different dishes, waiting for me in the freezer.
Tonight is also cold enough to consider some shots of Glenmorangie. Ironic that now Amy is not here, I fancy a drink!
The dream was to own two Kept in a suburban home Now you’re lucky to have one And live in it alone
Man’s never-ending greed Entitled to go too far Is a dream slipping away As you’re living in your car
“Blending experimental and post-punk moods with distorted, feedback-laden guitar riffs, both bands arrive in with frenetic energy, driving their songs forward with a pounding intensity and almost eerie atmosphere. The vocals are raw, aching, and powerful, delivering the lyrics with a sense of urgency and emotion characteristic for screamo bands, building to a climax with layers of abrasive noise and a wall of sound that is both chaotic and exhilarating.” – idioteq.com
Happy, busy, winding down. It’s been a busy week and has culminated in an empty house again as Amy left this morning. Now I’m listening to music and thinking about how to motivate myself back into a solo routine again.
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Champ and my boss Nancy, who, separately, both told me I was a great teacher. I appreciate hearing that as sometimes I doubt myself.
The best thing about today was:
Playing Takraw with some students for a little while. We were all equally terrible at it but we were laughing every few seconds.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It’s been a very busy but unstressful day and nothing is coming to mind that was out of my control. Days like this are very nice though a little disturbing as I could slip into an orgasmic coma. Good days are a drug, always looking for it, chasing it, in its grip.
Something I learned today?
Amy showed me the online seller that has better prices on cat food than the ones I found. It’s gotten really expensive recently and everywhere has run out of stock. Amy was able to order and see that it was packed and on its way almost immediately. I’ll believe it when it turns up!
What’s your favourite Mexican food?
I think just vegetarian nachos. I find the Mexican food I’ve tried all tastes similar but just with a variety of textures. You can’t go wrong with vegetarian – cheese, beans, guacamole, sour cream, spicy sauce. There’s a Mexican restaurant here in Chiang Rai and thinking about this has got me hungry to go again!
I took this picture because this poor old smelly lovely dog just loves our house! The auntie who owns him says he sits on their porch always looking at our house, sometimes too impatient to know what’s going on and coming over to sit on our porch. Today he even barked at his own family as they were in the field next to our house.
Relaxed enough and happy. Still a little tired from lack of sleep but not enough to get me grumpy.
Today I’m grateful for: My late students who I locked out of class. Without them the room was quieter and more manageable and I could tell the students who were there were happier too. I’m also grateful to Anchan, who seems to have become the head of the class (which she deserves as she is more mature than the others and also more outgoing), when she confirmed to their homeroom teacher that those kids were very late and always disturbed the class.
The best thing about today was:
Not sure if was the best thing but it was funny. AimAem wasn’t in class on Tuesday and today I asked her where she was and she said she was in Bangkok. I gave her an incredulous look and jokingly asked why she didn’t invite me. She talked into her phone to translate but all her friends heard her and burst out laughing. She showed me the translation which said ‘unimportant person’ I cracked up too and pretended to be upset. Everyone was happy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
About 8 students were late for my afternoon class and when they came I’d already started the class and I told them they were too late and to leave. One of them messaged me later asking if I was upset with them as I told them I wasn’t. I told them it was their choice when to come to my class but if they are late they may miss out and the choice was theirs.
Something I learned today?
In Lithuania people don’t usually say hello to each other. I’m not sure I will ever need this information but it did stand out in a blog post I read. The thing is that they then said that they themselves did usually say hello to people. I think people in general aren’t going to say hello to everyone they pass. Nods of acknowledgement happen over time and can develop into greetings. In general I think Australians have been the friendliest people I’ve met.
What are your family’s top 3 favorite meals?
We really don’t have favourite meals as a family. Beyond Amy and I we rarely eat with the extended family and for us both we often end up eating different dishes. One thing we do like to have together though is Sichuan hotpot. Homemade is best in Chiang Rai but Sydney had many good options and obviously China and Sichuan we’re the absolute peak but I haven’t been there with Amy yet.
I took this picture because these are Amy’s famous cinnamon scrolls. She made three batches for Utopia and each time our house filled with delicious perfume. Finally she made a batch for me and her friends to eat too!
Princess Amy, she’s so lazy She will never become the queen Made her teacher really crazy Because she lives inside a dream
Princess Amy still never learns But all her friends are growing They are all taking their turns Off to bright futures going
Will the princess ever see The wisdom of work instead? Will the princess ever be Able to get out of her bed?
a poem for one of my students
The laws that govern circumstances are abolished by new circumstances.
Napoleon
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s parents bringing me food again. I was out at the time, at Daytripper, doing more lesson preparation and dropped by the market to pick up some dinner. A stall was selling pla duk foo which I hadn’t seen there before so I grabbed that and some bananas. When I got home I saw that Amy’s parents had left some food and when I checked the bag it was pla duk foo and bananas! I’ve got a lot of eating to do! The best thing about today was: Reading some random text from a teaching English book and being able to add an idea to make my lessons more interesting for my students next semester. Doesn’t sound too exciting I know but I was inspired enough to update all my lessons immediately. Another thing was coming across a KLS video from 2016 that was fantastic to see and got my little brain running again about organising a tour for them here. I think it would go really well. I need to start looking into this more. If you started a sports team, what would the colours and mascot be? I suppose I might pick blue after my childhood soccer passion for Ipswich Town and Italy. The red and white of Sydney Swans would perhaps remind too much of Arsenal. As for a mascot, I don’t know. I must admit I would not be a good person to make these decisions as I consider them to be irrelevant though I understand their purpose, it’s just not something I’m interested in.
I took this picture because I was surprised to find Kim here on Amy’s pillow. I also find it cute to see cats sleep in this position. In fact it makes me envious. Unfortunately, rockets from the funeral next door sent her off hiding behind the bed again soon after I took this.
1994ever 