After a busy and tiring Sunday, I’ve been struggling this week. I’ve just started to get my energy back but not quite there mentally. If I look at the last couple of days properly I can probably realise that everything has been going along as normal. Perhaps I’ve reached a kind of plateau at the moment and the next steps will require perseverance as the improvements in my life will be smaller. Who needs action when you’ve got words?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have friends all around the world. Thankful for technology that makes it easy for us to communicate.
To-do list
Go to CRPAO – be courteous if see Kru Paew.
Write week 15 lesson.
Do not complain!
Stay calm.
Next Thai video
Did it list
Three good fun classes today.
Visit CRPAO and meet old students and teachers.
30 squats and 30 weightless shoulder presses.
I don’t recall myself complaining today.
Complimented some students on good thinking.
Only one coffee today.
Watched another Thai study video and Drops (study).
I think I stayed calm all day today.
Joined some online courses.
Streamlined my email/web browsing.
Read 3 chapters.
Went from tired and a little down to happy and enthused.
Showed people around Auntie’s house for rent.
In my regular class today we played a team game and people reacted differently when losing – it was a perfect opportunity to introduce kids to the growth mindset. I started out today feeling a little tired and flat but thankfully I had three good lessons in a row, with a quick lunch in-between. Then going back to CRPAO and getting an overwhelming response from the kids was very gratifying. I’m starting to get a good bonding feeling with the kids at Anuban now though and really enjoying it there. Time is getting more precious now and I have to squeeze things in anywhere I can – some non-essential tasks will have to be removed.
I’m happy and grateful to have people who care about me all over the world.
7th Mar 2021 – Today I added the post for 23rd October 1994 where I called back to my friends in England that I was missing very much. My collection of friends and acquaintances around the world has increased substantially since then and I am grateful to them all, no matter how minor our connections may have been.
Yesterday I showed some resilience. Small things upset me in the morning and everything felt overwhelming again. After school, I went to the dentist. I think sitting under the drill settled me down again. At home, Amy was quite negative about being here in Thailand but I was the one telling her things aren’t that bad. I realised I had some strength and resilience I need to draw on more.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that other people have shown an interest in working with me. It shows me that I am valued for my contributions.
Gratitude Journal
Today I’m looking forward to a job interview with another school. I’m looking forward to Hayden coming to visit in a couple of weeks’ time. My friend, Ellen, will also visit from China with lots of yummy Sichuan sauce. I’m looking forward to getting away from some people in this school where I work. I’m looking forward to time hanging around at home with Amy and our friends. I’m looking forward to the cooler weather of winter. Damn! I’m looking forward to a lot of things.
23rd Feb 2021 – Looking back on this looking forward is interesting. Some of the things I was looking forward to, didn’t necessarily turn out for the best but it was definitely the right way to approach all those things. I know some folks who anticipate the worst of the future and then feel pleasantly surprised when things turn out better than expected. I think I used to be like that but not these days. I’m much more of the thinking that even difficult tasks, events and situations are just occurrences and they will be over after a certain period of time regardless of what my thoughts are about them.
A fond farewell to Hayden in Brisbane as we lugged luggage again, two coffees down before boarding the plane. It was nice to fly in over Sydney (yet again) and if Brisbane was 10 times busier than Adelaide then Sydney repeated the feat over Brisbane especially as I struggled with my bags at two stations that didn’t have lifts. My dodgy elbows are extremely upset with me but what can a poor boy do.
Tonight I would stay with my friend Billie, her husband Jade and their daughter, Nexis, in the upmarket suburb of Killara on the North Shore of Sydney. They live in a house far too big for them, boxes still not unpacked from moving in 9 months ago. It did mean they could offer a spare room for this temporarily homeless wanderer for which I was grateful.
I met Billie about 10 or 11 years ago when I was part of a dragon boat racing team, representing Australia (somehow!), in a dirty bay on Hong Kong Island. Billie’s family head the institute of dragon boat racing in HK and Billie and her sister, Mandy, were the compere’s for the races. Both girls were and are extremely attractive and, Billie especially, bright and outgoing positive personalities.
Needless to say, they attracted the attention of the white boys at the races and at the drunken awards dinner on our last night there. Myself and another racer went out later for supper with Billie and we decided to stay in touch through email just in case our paths crossed again, under the pretence of sharing our photos of the week’s events with one another.
A few years later our paths did cross again as Billie became an air hostess with Cathay Pacific airlines. This, of course, took her all over the world, and eventually to Sydney. She got in touch and we met up one night for dinner. At the end of that night, she quietly invited me up to her room for coffee. I didn’t want to presume anything and I have no idea of her intention at the time but something in me decided not to take her up on the offer.
I’ve not really been one for one-night stands and I definitely didn’t want to do that with someone I felt that if I had then that might just be all our relationship might have been. I liked Billie, a lot, not because she was pretty but because we got on so well and had a lot of fun together. A friendship was more fulfilling than the possibility of brief exciting encounter and that’s the way I wanted to keep it.
We met a couple more times when she flew to Sydney. The final time with another of her crew, Kit, also a beautifully attractive girl. By then I had already met Amy and it was with some pride that we all headed to Amy’s favourite nightclub after dinner, I got to walk up to the dance floor with three amazingly attractive women.
Of course, I didn’t want to embarrass myself by actually dancing so I left them to it. Immediately they were swamped with guys wanting to dance with them, to which Billie and Amy crossed their arms in big X’s indicating for the guys to go away. After 15 minutes of this though they became exasperated and we decided to leave. On our way out a guy near the stairs grabbed Kit’s arm and yanked her towards him at which point I had to intervene and got to tell him that these three girls were all with me. It made me chuckle to bruise the poor guy’s ego (and radically inflate my own, briefly) as we left the club.
A few more years of staying in touch and Billie told she had met someone from Australia, Adelaide, in fact. I knew she met a million guys around the world and that she could pick anyone she wanted but this one she met in a bar in Hong Kong. She said he was not handsome, a bit fat even but had a generous and family-oriented personality. This was what she was looking for in her ideal partner more than a troublesome good looker.
Then a couple of years later they decided to relocate from Hong Kong to Sydney and ended up living a couple of blocks away from Amy and myself in Chatswood. We got to hang out a bit more but also were leading busy lives. A case of when living near the beach you never go for a swim.
Billie and Jade now had a baby on their hands and Billie could become the dragon mum she always dreamed of. I caught up with her sister Mandy during this time too and she soon was married with a couple of kids of her own.
Anyways, Billie rushed to pick up from the station in her new 4WD, on the phone to her friend, as we rushed to pick up Nexis from school, now in Year One. Nexis and I always get on like a house on fire, like I do with most kids, and we were soon making fun of her mum and I was getting her into trouble so we were both getting told off.
Nexis and I played some more, with their water hose – more trouble – and with their French Bulldog Dunstan, short name Dunny. Billie cooked up a nice veggie dinner for us all, Nexis went to bed and Jade overruled Billie to watch a movie instead of Billie’s favourite Aussie trash TV, Married at First Sight, thank heavens!
Next morning, Billie dropped me in Chatswood, with all my bags and we wished each other well, hoping they can come and visit Amy and me in Thailand sometime in the future. I spent the morning running around getting coffees and trying to arrange to meet people but everyone was busy. Never mind – I know you’ll always be there, somewhere.
A train to the city and more coffee as I met up with one of Amy’s best friends Jess as I was staying at her place right in the centre of the city. We went out for a big seafood dinner to celebrate another friend’s, Grace, birthday, joined by Muoy and Hakan. Amy had already prepped me to pay for the meal tonight as her gift to everyone and for Grace’s celebration. Grace kindly reciprocated by offering to take me to the airport a couple of days later.
Next day was a big run around and I’d been hitting my ten thousand steps easily for a few days now. In the morning I met Jess at the cafe where she works and got my first free coffee. We were heading to Chippendale to meet one of my friends who had opened her own cafe recently. Jess is thinking to do the same in Adelaide sometime in the future so Amy thought it would be a good idea to introduce them and for Jess to get some tips.
On the way there I ducked into another small cafe another Chatswood friend was working at and was offered another free coffee, gladly accepted as always.
In Chippendale, we found my friend’s cafe, the Bean Brewers. Jenny runs it with her husband and has managed to build up a good little business. They spent a long time looking for this place and are working hard, seven days a week, to make it a success. I met Jenny when she was just 16, ten years before, when she was working at my favourite cafe in Chatswood. She had moved to Australia from Vietnam to study and wanted to stay. Similar to my own story with Amy, a customer had taken a fancy to her and eventually they got married.
Once again, we all wished each other well and went on our way. Jess went back home whilst I went to my next appointment, this time at UTS, to see Bronwyn, Hayden’s mum, my ex-wife, the partner of all the 1994 diary entries you can find here. Twenty four years is a long time and things change and things stay the same. Bronwyn told me of some photos she had found of our time back in the UK and when I saw them later it was odd to look at the person in the photo that was me. I didn’t recognise them as me, though I knew it was obviously me.
After lunch and during another coffee stop my 3pm appointment cancelled which I was actually a little grateful for as the temperature was soaring and I was starting to get sweaty. I headed back to Jess’ for a quick shower and recovery before heading out again to meet Jochen, at a pub just down the street.
Jochen arrived with his friend, from a meeting that they had just attended. Jochen works for the Goethe Institute and moved to Sydney with his wife, Sabina and kids, both of whom are a similar age to Hayden. They actually moved back and forth a couple of times before finally settling on Australia as the place to stay.
I first met Jochen, about 15 years ago I’m guessing, through a band he was playing in with a mutual friend. Although being from different countries within Europe, which becomes a little competitive, here we were suddenly comrades on foreign turf. I’m over dramatising but in some ways bonds are made through mutual conditions such as these.
The other thing that drew us together though was our musical interests and our roles within our own DIY music scenes. The connection was instant, an unspoken understanding of the way things had been, the way we were doing things now and the way we wanted to continue doing those things. I value Jochen’s friendship above most others – one of those friendships where you may not see each other for a couple of years and you can sit down and continue the conversation as if only a day had passed.
And of course, this was pretty much the situation we were in, having not been in much contact for the previous six months since leaving Sydney. I expected to be out for a couple of hours, perhaps drop by another friend working in a shop that night too.
Kicked off with interesting conversations with Jochen’s friend, a filmmaker, again about mutual musical interests, particularly the Dutch band The Ex (crazy thoughts arising about how to tour them through South East Asia and Australia), moving on to discussions about working with Japanese musicians for live film scores.
After he left we decided on another beer, and another, conversation free flowing, about our lives, our kids, our futures, about continuing to work together in one way or another and just about generally staying connected. Something that is so much easier to do now than it was in 1994.
All these thoughts could lead to longer stories that I will have to leave for now. But that night, my last in Sydney, the beers continued along with the stories and topics and we eventually stumbled out around 1.30am, I think, and on our respective ways.
In a blink, I was asleep and awake again, still drunk and almost voiceless as Grace whisked me to the airport and I jumped on the plane, last time for a while in Australia, hoping for more sleep, which didn’t come. But I was too drunk to care, too drunk to think. The perfect exit.
What is wrong with my body? Does my sick mind hurt my body too? I get sick a lot – I don’t know why. But this feels different – could just be some weird virus – hopefully nothing more. But what if….?
I feel dizzy or weird when I move my eyes or head and feel sensitive to noise sometimes. The thing is I don’t feel sick – not ill or anything – but it seems my body wants to shut down – I don’t feel like doing anything in particular – just resting or the things I normally do at home. I don’t have the energy to get out really. It’s been like this for about two weeks.
23 Apr 2022 – In 2009 or 2010 I got glandular fever which knocked me around for about 3 months and ever since then whenever I’ve had the symptoms described above, I always put it down to a reoccurrence or triggering of it again. As I was writing this in 2003, it seems like it must be something else that has been causing these symptoms which still bother me even now.
It may be connected with my sertraline medication, which I started taking in 1999 and still take now. I could try and get off it but it’s such a small dose one doctor suggested it may just be a placebo for me. Every time I’ve tried weaning myself from it though, after a while a situation would get me down so much that I would end up taking it again. It’s always worked so I’m a little reticent to stop taking it. I have very little stress in my life now though, so it could be worth thinking about again.
Sometime around 2000 or 2001, I went to an allergy specialist to see if it might an allergy issue but they didn’t find anything in particular, just a pretty general allergy to dust and which I doubted anyway. A highlight of going to this specialist though was the beautiful and friendly Burmese receptionist that worked there. At the end of the day, I would’ve preferred a resolution to my problem but I took what I could get and tried to make the best of the situation.
I often wonder about people that I’ve had brief connections with and what they ended up doing with their lives. These people were usually serving staff in favourite food shops. Mami at the coffee shop next to where I worked in Help Street, Chatswood. Emma, at my favourite Chinese takeaway (Shanghai Gourmet) in the Mandarin Centre, who taught me how to order my favourite dish in Chinese. That may even be Emma in the attached picture. Eun Bi at the Sushi shop. Mikiyo at another coffee shop. Sue from another coffee shop who I was close enough to to hang out with occasionally. After Sue went back to South Korea I became friends with Jenny too. I would meet these friendly people at least once or twice a week for many years in some cases and it certainly paid off to be nice to them as I would often end up with freebies and extras.
And then there was also Jenny, Peter, his wife Nancy and Nisha who all worked at the sandwich shop I would frequent whenever I could. I watched Jenny grow from a quiet 18 year old, unsure of her future to a business owner and now mother. She even asked me for advice about the guys who chatted her up in the shop, eventually asking for more advice about one in particular who she ended up happily marrying. After moving to Thailand she was the only one of my friends who called me to see how I was doing. I remain very grateful for her thoughtfulness and we still stay in touch.
S: I thought you’d be really into this. What do you suggest we could do instead?
T: I hope you’re not mad, sad or upset that i thought we should do something else. It was really sweet of you to think of. I just thought we may be able to get more excitement for longer at the same price – maybe we could shop around.
S: I really wanted to surprise you with it. I’m not mad, sad or upset (I just miss you baby!!!). So you would like me to spend the same amount of money on us then, but do something else!! How could life get any more exciting than when we are around each other anyway! That is priceless and cost-effective.
T: I’m wearing an olive top today – it’s Sandie’s. I really, really love the colour.
S: Come show me. Where you going after work?
T: Anyway, di and them want to take a day off work so we can get away for 3 days sometime in March – but I’m not going to take the day off I told them. Proud of me?
S: Always. What did you say to them though?
T: anyway, seems they’ve been planning this for quite a while – and the bridge walk – totally without me, and they take it that I’m coming along even if I haven’t heard anything about it yet (well, that’s the impression that I get).
S: That’s because you are one of THEM (in their eyes)! It’s nice that they include you but I guess it would be nicer if they asked you. Actually, you’ve snubbed them a few times – maybe they’ll get pissed off with asking you? Anyway – come do something more exciting with me.
T: your groupie, tlj
S: Your zucchini shaun PS thanks for being my groupie!
S: I think I’m getting fatter again! “People who live in glass houses Should not throw their spouses!” Please forgive me for being a miserable bastard this weekend. Let’s go do something (cheap) one night this week. Even just meet somewhere and go somewhere nice – just look at something – maybe the beach at Manly or something like that. What do you think? Have a fantastic day and hope all is well with the study.
T: i forgot the library book that’s due in today. it’s a three-day loan, so the fine is $5 a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i’m not coming in tomorrow. i was thinking of going home and coming back to return it, then maybe seeing you tonight. are you going to physio and massage???
S: Just physio – you can meet me there or I’ll meet you at home. Would love to see you OK? Watch the rest of the Maxx (and leave at least an hour before taking you home!!)
T: anyway, got the outline done but i think it’s all wrong. had to come in just to hand it in, but waiting around to see di, sue and tu, cause i think they’re in today.
S: I hope you catch up with them – I love the way you love your friends
T: think di had a great time at mso ball (everyone knew everyone – you know how it is).
S: Young Asian girls make friends everywhere?
T: hopefully, josh, mel and I can meet for SDD
S: Get any nasty emails?
T: cause i want to leave some free days to go out with laura, mich, and jo, and you of course.
S: You’re a sweety.
T: anyway, mail me with what you’re doing. love ya babe, tlj
S: I did that didn’t I. I watched a little bit of Red Sorghum last night but fell dead asleep after about ten minutes. Love ya 2 BABE!
S: Hey sweety I’m missing you and wanna make things good with you. Wanna know you’re all right with everything. Want you to know that I think you’re great, happy and full of life. (We all have our bad days – me particularly) Love to you
T: you know what? whatever. No only kidding – just knew that would piss you off.
S: Hang on – I’ve put my sense of humour down here somewhere….
T: Planning on going shopping with sue, di, and tu in about 1/2 an hour.
S: Window shopping I hope. Or a present for me of course.
T: josh asked if that guy on friday night was anything special,
S: Tell me the truth – is he?
T: and made a reference to Jack (whom he has heard a bit about from nat) – i think I said something bitchy though to cover up. anyway, he’s moving out with jay and joe to Newtown tomorrow. sue, di and tu asked if i wanted to go white water rafting in october – i’ll think about it, though it’s 90 dollars + you have to find transport (can get a lift with sue and di, or you wanna drop me? i think it’s at Shoalhaven or something).
S: You know I can drop you – can I come too – or is that a girl thing too (or a uni thing). I think I’d like to be in a dingy with three beautiful teenage girls (hang on I’m just going to the toilet).
T: Shaun also offered to pay for josh’s skydiving ticket!
S: OK – will he pay for me too? (and I’ll promise to be his friend)
T: no, things are good with me, i only wanted to spend the night together and really have fun – no worries or anything.
S: We’ll have a long hot bath – I’ll massage you and you can fall asleep in my arms.
T: di can’t make tomorrow girlie thing, so i may be able to see you.
S: Oh, but I’m seeing Di…oops! No no that would be cool. I look forward to it.
T: As well, i may try dropping around to marty’s party, or maybe even newtown to see triple J’s (get it) new house.
S: I can always drop you there too sweety.
T: Sunday’s out though, cause i may be getting together with di to work on IS & OD. and monday night, we may be having our girlie night (if mum lets me).
S: Oh well. If you can you can if you can’t you can’t – no sweat. You know I’ll be waiting for you.
T: anyway, what are your plans?
S: I might try and get a swim in this weekend actually – otherwise more work on the equipment and some noise plus comic reading and taking it easy.
T: love tlj ps – i’m wearing his pants for her………….
S: Can I wear your pants… Hope you get this – our mail server is fucked today
T: ok, so we didn’t get to go shopping but i’ll be going after the marketing lecture til 5, and then i’ll come see you at about 6pm at the physio. we were talking instead and boy have i got some juicy goss to tell you! the best! catch ya babe
S: Sweety, can you give me Ren’s number sometime so she can come over and have a look at this video equipment. When do you think I might get to meet Tom again too. He was gonna lend me Grateful Dead. Hope yr having a beautiful day. It would be much sweeter if you were here.
T: so you’re going to call her – or me? i’m sure she’ll wonder if you call her – and all my friends already think you’re a weirdo for mailing/icquing/ringing them out of the blue. you leave my friends out of this. joking babe. good sleepy-pies to you, love and kisses, your fan Tracky-Dacks
S: You gonna explain about Saturday to me? I’ll call you anytime sweetheart. Do you think she will think it strange that I call her – do you wanna speak to her first? Have you spoken to Di – I haven’t heard from her since (whenever it was). Oh, I’m still a weirdo I suppose. Look’s like the lab job may not happen – Damn. Pash me baby
T: I’m really sorry about the lab job – truly. keep a look out though, cause i’m sure something will come up. sorry babe, hope i can make you feel better – and i really do love you – 200% truthful.
S: It may still happen it’s just that Joe thinks they may be forced to take on two particular people – but it’s possible they may not want to take the job. We’ll have to wait and see. Something will come up – just gotta think positive. How’s Nat today? You do make me feel better – always. thanks
S: My masseur said she went to see that guitarist you went to see (I can’t remember his name – gregorian or something) She said she couldn’t enjoy it because he was trying too hard and didn’t look like he was enjoying himself – not until the encore did he relax. Come massage me babe. I’m missing your tender hands.
T: i don’t know how hard it would be to relax playing as fast and as hard as he did – but i suppose a masseur would really notice those things. mail me babe, tlj
S: It was probably more that she couldn’t relax because she could feel that he wasn’t enjoying it because he had to work so hard? I’m missing you loads sweety. You still haven’t told me what’s happening Saturday. Are you going to Marty’s or to the girls? Explain me please – you gorgeous young filly!!! We gotta catch up soon I’m dying for a hug!