Tag: frustration

Break Down The Wall – 22nd October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 15 Comments

Disappointment with humanity
And the reality we conceed
To American dreams of freedom
From which we’ll never be freed

Misinformed and kept indebted
To slave away for all we need
Uneducated and ignorant
Of other points of view or creed

But the towers of empire crumble
As revolutions rise from seed
And the writing is on the wall
But only for those who read

23rd Aug 2024 – Submitted to Poets and Storytellers United – break free

Today I’m feeling:

(Early) Anxious and wound up. I went to sleep easily but woke up cold because of the intense aircon that I couldn’t figure out how to temper. Both Amy and I feel like we have colds and that could quite easily be true after being on a plane and then into the crazy humidity here. My shoulders are stiff from not moving much on this hard bed and I’m awake well before I’d like to be.

(Late) Calm and contemplative after a 2-hour massage, good food and even a reasonable enough temperature to do the short walk back to the hotel from the shopping centre. Back home tomorrow. Happy.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Fai for picking us up at the airport last night when we were dog-tired after a long day.

The funny taxi driver who picked us up from the train station this afternoon and then the Auntie who massaged me into pain for two hours at the hotel. Bless them all for their small parts in my story.

The best thing about today was:

Finding new work pants at Monotone and then some cheap soaps at Bath and Body Works after a train and MRT ride into the city. No rush today, everything will be ok.

Also sending a couple of boxes of things back home via a courier service so that our bags will make the weight limit for our final flight. Only 430 baht. Bargain (so long as it arrives!)

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I got caught out yet again with my visa, this time not having a re-entry permit so now I just have a 30-day visa on arrival until I go to immigration again on Tuesday.

I have a visa to stay and I can leave any time but I’m not allowed to leave without permission and not allowed back in with the visa! Frustrating.

Something I learned today?

I found the Monotone stores in BKK again today and was advised to use LINE to contact them in future rather than use Shopee as there are fake stores on there! Weird to think that people would imitate this rather small independent brand.

I took this picture because I like the message for my kids and am curious if any of them will tell me that it is grammatically incorrect. 

The Facade – 15th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Growing up being told a mystery
Was the most interesting thing to be
A facade, facing out
Where I can keep and claim the real me
Trying to make sense of the times
Dizzy with the fumes of youth
The facade falls down
At the telling of a vulnerable truth

Vaguely inspired by (and first two lines borrowed from) Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

It’s started already. I turned off my 8 a.m. alarm and enjoyed dreams of hanging with my students when the pleasure was broken with the scream of ‘AUOOON! Fix this for me please’ Well, good morning! It’s an hour later now, on my second coffee after a cold shower and still I feel not awake.

Today I’m grateful for:

The plumber who came to fix up a few things around our house this morning. He nearly got away without fixing the main issue because Amy told me it was done but when I checked it wasn’t. Back to the frustrations of miscommunications!

The best thing about today was:

Amy making me busy. If she’s not here I will relax the day away, enjoying it but not getting most of the things done that we did today. Most of it is cleaning and tidying which I’m motivated to do in a different time frame to her. 

When I went to Utopia I joked with Art about Amy being back, shaking my head and looking up to the heavens. Art said, ‘You prefer to be alone?’ I said ’No, both are ok. It’s just the change that is difficult.’

Besides the plumber coming, the electrician also came and fixed the electric shocks coming from our oven as well as fixing some issues with our cameras. Our home feels slightly less dilapidated now.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Almost everything was out of my control as I submitted myself to Amy’s whims and direction. I did lose my temper in frustration this morning when I couldn’t use my mobile banking app on this new phone and setting it up proved to be impossible without going to an ATM. Frustrating at the time but easily resolved in the end. 

Something I learned today?

I watched a few iPhone videos before for tips and tricks to set it up the way I want but stopped watching when I realised my old iPhone 8 couldn’t do a lot of them. Today I was able to catch up.

I took this picture because Amy is back but doesn’t want her picture taken!

Secret Stairwell Reader – 12th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A library for escape
Away from toxic adolescence
Give me a book, a cure
Ten-minute convalescence
A silent conversation
With Kurt, Leo or Tim
Sudden shock discovery
Stirs something within
Where I fell in love
Every day, every page turned
Caught like a naughty child
A secret found, unearned
This secret isn’t yours to share
Find your own stairs to sit
Fall in your own love
And be satisfied with it

inspired by the story here on the Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from lack of sleep. Slept well but just not long enough. Hopefully coffee gets me going.

I was having a very nice dream this morning but it was suddenly interrupted by what seemed to be a handsome TV presenter with a gleaming smile. He looked at me sideways and then gave me a wink and a knowing smirk. And my alarm went off!

Did I almost cross over into the Matrix? A glimpse behind the curtain? I actually laughed as I turned my alarm off. It felt like some sort of comfort.

Today I’m grateful for:

Teaching the grade 10 kids first this morning. Even though their English isn’t good, their maturity at least makes them more manageable to teach. They still have concentration issues when it comes to phone management issues. I can’t help but feel that letting them have their phones in class is going to affect them badly in the future unless our societies turn into 5-second functions where they might be ahead of the game. 

I think these kids will be in for a rude awakening or have already accepted their fates.

The best thing about today was:

A big beautiful rainstorm from low black clouds as I was driving home. Our poor rusted guttering couldn’t cope with the deluge and I may need to make another venture up onto the roof to see if there is anything blocking it. If there’s not it just means there’s too much rain too quickly to even take care of.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As a follow-on from yesterday’s annoying class, I spent much of the day chasing up lazy kids, offering them help several times and making myself available, all to little avail. Less than half the students bothered to do anything. When the online quiz deadline passed I advised their homeroom teacher again asking what she could do about it and she just said she’d tell them again. She doesn’t get it either. The work for my class is no longer the issue. My two-hour lesson shouldn’t end up as a twenty-four-hour helpline. I asked again what she is going to do to stop them from wasting everyone’s time. I’m not expecting any answer.

Something I learned today?

Chatting with David, he is also frustrated with his classes and the student’s lack of understanding. I do take it as a challenge for me to find better ways to engage the kids but it is exhausting when they are just not interested in developing themselves at all. I think David will quit soon.

When was the last time I felt at ease?

I feel at ease most of the time if I consider it carefully. Sure I can let my classes wind me up but I’m mostly wound down again the following day even if I’m still thinking about it. By that point, I’m thinking up solutions and not getting emotionally caught up in it anymore. I’m not letting things overwhelm me like might have happened in the past.
It is still a rollercoaster of being totally on during the semester and then totally off during the holiday. That transition does feel weird.

My student, Wipping, took this picture because she asked me to smile but I pretended to be upset that she wasn’t working. This picture captures my internal feelings in class sometimes. 99% of the time it remains internal and I have also never hit anyone with that stick. It is actually my remote control for the projector on the ceiling.

Unmotivational Speech – 19th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Brain dead, no energy
Why bother? What’s the point?
A six-month-old funky floor
So, let’s clean up this joint

Asleep awake, uninspired
Dullest days in sepia greys
Waste not this time with fun
Let’s get these dull things done

Bored and tired, zombie walk
A total lack of motivation
Washing, ironing, the shitty work
Once achieved provides inspiration

20th Mar 2024 – Submitted to RDP – Anodyne
11th May 2024 – Submitted to RDP – Funky

Today I’m feeling:

A bit wired as I struggled to get to sleep last night after a late afternoon coffee (in a coconut smoothie – delicious!) at Panor whilst out riding around. It was a hot day yesterday and I’m still thirsty from it.

Today I’m grateful for:

The three or four students who understood (in English) what gratitude is and how to apply it. Most of the class were confused though I plan on slowly building their knowledge about gratitude by repeating the exercise every few weeks.

The best thing about today was:

Playing volleyball with some students as a light rain came and cooled us all down. Some students enjoyed it so much that they wanted to get soaked in it. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Trying to get my students to review their work outside of class is very frustrating as they mostly try to ignore messages and make excuses. I don’t know everyone’s situation outside school but I’m sure they mostly spend time playing games or looking at social media. I spent a lot of effort today trying to get everyone to finish the work for me and I was about 90% successful. I’ll take that as a win.

Something I learned today?

I’m learning a few things from reading Sapiens for example how certain mindsets in the past made for dramatic changes around the world. The thought that there was more knowledge out there in the world led to imperialism, capitalism and science. Those who believed that there was nothing outside their own realm worth bothering about were soon in for a surprise. In some ways, it would be nice if we were all just happy in our little spaces and just getting along with those near to us but if that was the case I probably wouldn’t own this phone that I’m currently writing on.

What is something I’ve been procrastinating on that I need to tackle?

Not procrastinating so much as just not having enough free time or dropping something else but I still haven’t got going with Ableton Live and my keyboard. The enthusiasm I had for experimenting and figuring out how to do things with music software is countered by the overwhelming options and possibilities. Well, it’s still there, waiting for when I’m ready.

Where did I show self-discipline?

There was definitely a point in my one class today where it felt like frustration might take over. This usually happens when students are not paying attention and I have to repeat myself several times. 
Somehow I managed to push the emotion back down as ultimately I knew it would be counterproductive to getting anywhere near the result I wanted.

I took this picture because we may have our first-ever dragonfruit this year.

Throwing Sparks – 7th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A world motivated by boredom
The deviants and perverts are tired
Laughing at their injustices meted
Their dreadful work so admired

Routine pleasures are not enough
To satisfy their indulgent lust
Sex and death, games of the rich
Where money can buy your trust

Inspired by a sample of Throwing Sparks by Abdo Khal

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to buy new jackets for just 80 baht at the local markets.

I got annoyed again on Saturday after talking with Nancy about parent complaints about my class being too difficult for their kids. It got me thinking over the weekend and I decided that I will try harder to communicate with the struggling students. I really don’t want to dumb down the work if I can help it.

As these complaining parents haven’t talked directly to me, I thought I should send out a positive message to them to show that I appreciated the work of the students and that their effort is rewarded. I worded it generally so that the complaining parents can see that other students are capable of doing my work and that it is not so difficult.

On Saturday, I felt like quitting again, or just giving up and going back to teaching ‘days of the week. But with some time to think less emotionally, I feel much better. I’m nervous to send messages to the parents as they will twist them in anyway that they can to suit themselves.

I know I’m not assimilating into the ‘Thai way’ but I feel compelled to give my students every chance to assimilate themselves into the world.

Take My Word – 20th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Do I have time to read every written word?
Don’t look at me as if it’s so absurd
Absorbed in stories that taught me much
Each one holding a teacher’s touch

The words to learn from times to burn
Find the right words for your concern
If it hits you hard then read it twice
Take my word, that’s my advice

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can read books wherever I go. One for Utopia, one for school/House, one for evenings, one for bedtime.

Well, the weekend passed by quickly, with going to Amy’s aunties’ memorial on Friday and Saturday night and then her cremation on Sunday morning. I was happy to have a phone with me and felt less conscious of using it on these occasions, as I’ve gotten used to Thais doing it. Even one of the monks took a call whilst his leader was chanting.

At times when I looked up and around, I still could not feel what comforts these odd rituals provide. They seem a nonsense and can be adapted in any way anyone should please. If we got rid of all religions, would we just make new rituals to comfort ourselves? Perhaps not. It’s not so obvious in those who have no faith. They (we) accept the fact that we live and die and not much else.

Recently, I’ve been reading much about the USA’s foreign policy and interference in other countries, and it reinforces the fact for me that all of it is beyond meaningless. People left to themselves are generally ok and without any implanted biases, get on with everyone.

I’m thinking that China’s approach to world affairs is a more powerful way to share the world. From an outside perspective, it looks to me as if they are aware that helping people to help themselves benefits everyone in the long run. Trying to force your way of life on other people has continually shown in history to not be successful. Every country, group, philosophy, and government will have its share of bad apples, and the current media obsession with focusing on them forces a bias that is not conducive to love.

Religions have also failed at a mass level, of teaching to love everyone, even though it is a major tenet of them all.

Whilst these situations remain, frustrated people, like me, want to give up, see no hope. Even in our own happy lives. We can’t ignore the suffering of others. These people are humans, and we play this game of life together.

You Bring Out The English In Me – 21st June 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’m sorry to say, it’s your fault
It’s all the stupid things I see
Sarcasm is the default result
You bring out the English in me

“That’s just great, that’s amazing!”
While I wonder what the fuck you’re doing
What I mean and say are not the same thing
Over the horizon, trouble is brewing

It’s a culture clash, war with words
I see things I should never see
Slower than thirty-three and a thirds
You bring out the English in me

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to work from home today. Finally, someone at the school made the right decision for teachers to work from home due to the Covid case at school. It is the sensible decision!

Well, the students came back to school last Monday on a treacherous day of torrential rain, and it was good to see them all again. By Friday, the school was closed again due to a case of Covid that the school knew about on that first day but kept to themselves in the hope that it wouldn’t be a big deal. So typical of the Thai style. It’s very frustrating.

On Monday, Nancy was also constantly hassling me to cash her cheque and transfer her money. I was unable to get to a bank, but Amy offered to transfer it if I put some money into her account. I transferred from my account without realising it took me below the threshold needed for my visa application, which was summarily rejected on Tuesday! Now, I have to change to a 60-day visitor visa and re-apply again. I was so annoyed that it became funny.

Thailand has not endeared itself to me this week. I started wondering about leaving. We are only made to feel welcome here if we spend money. We will never be accepted as equals – sometimes it feels like a punishment for the luck of being born in a ‘better’ society. Revenge jealousy.

Anyway, I can play with my cats and the dog from next door. I still have books to read. Fuck frustration!

We got that attitude! – 13th May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for the heat. I was sitting at home last night with no air con and really feeling the hot air against my body. It’s very hot, but it’s ok. It could be even hotter. It could be so cold that I would need lots of clothes. I think I prefer less clothes.

What can man do more? That is what seemed to me important to know. Is what man has hitherto said all that he could say? Is there nothing in himself he has overlooked? Can he do nothing but repeat himself?

from The Immoralist, André Gide

To-do list

  • Practice compliments to everyone/anyone ½
  • Gift for teachers ✅
  • Start considering next set of lessons

Ah, I need to remind myself about so many things. Today was thrown out first thing in the morning with some instructions to make a two-hour video by the end of the day (with no direction about purpose, reason or detail given).

We mulled it over and considered the idea and as the Thai teachers didn’t really have any more information they too were struggling with exactly what to do.

Later, we were given some topics and I was told I would film the next day. This meant having to figure something out that afternoon as we have training in the morning tomorrow. So I had to get on with it.

After a couple of hours, I had the outline and main ideas in place – though we couldn’t imagine how we could make it stretch to two hours – two hours in which we’re expected to be talking the whole time!?

At the end of the day, the Thai teachers returned and said that now the ideas had changed and it could be an hour or so and include breaks where you would expect the students to talk.

I certainly had the feeling that I had done that two hours of preparation under false pretences and now there was a new (and much easier) direction that my time could have been better used. However, I didn’t really feel that bothered or upset by it. But my mouth engaged before my brain and I complained about all the work I’d done and how I wouldn’t have time to re-do it.

The Thai teachers were somewhat sympathetic and George thought what I’d done could still be used anyway, so no harm done. I agreed and didn’t really think much about how I reacted might have been perceived differently by the Thai teachers (or even George and Dylan) because internally I wasn’t really passionate either way.

George told me as we were leaving that I shouldn’t say things like that and I realised how much more serious it must have seemed to them. I knew George was right and even though I had a chip on my shoulder fighting to protect my fragile ego, I also had an angel telling me I had made a mistake but that it was OK.

I thought about it on and off during the evening and eventually ended up sending a thank you message to George. Looking back I realise that I was just wanting to show my own superiority over them by making them feel bad about changing plans all the time. I’m sure they know already that it is annoying to foreigners and was there anything that I said that improved the situation? No – keeping my mouth shut would have been the best option. The sun will still come up tomorrow – so I don’t need to go to sleep in anger.

Today has been a valuable lesson – but will I remember it?

30th Jul 2024 – Thankfully I did remember it and I’m much better able to cope with situations like this. I’ve even become familiar with the Thai way of working and thinking that I can predict these kinds of things and at times just don’t bother with first instructions, knowing that they will change a little later. It was, indeed, a valuable lesson and I’m grateful to everyone who helped me grow through this time.

Take a swipe at it with a single feather – 2nd April 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that we will go out today to take our cats to the vet.

Krishna descends to this planet every 8.6 billion years and this purpose is stated in Bhagarad-gita and we have to accept it as is; otherwise there is no point in trying to understand it!

Swami

To-do list

  • Finish one more lesson
  • Start that course – now is a good opportunity ½

I taught Bruce today though actually, I didn’t really teach him anything. We ended up talking about Chinese history and how things repeat themselves. I should try and talk to more people – though I don’t really need a high quota to be happy, I have to be aware that I don’t cut everyone off.

I talked with Hayden for a little while today too. He seems to be doing okay under the conditions of the lockdown in Australia.

I watched some of Joe Rogan’s interview with Andrew Yang about Universal Basic Income and I’m starting to consider Hayden’s attitude to work may serve him well in the future, maybe at least not wasting his time and energy on a career that leads nowhere or is made redundant by technology and automation. He still needs to master himself in self-motivation and hard work for himself though.

I’m still confused about my own direction in continuing teaching at the moment. If we move to online teaching it will remove one of the things that I enjoy about teaching and that is the connection I have with the students.

And why waste time working hard when this virus could just stop me dead at any time? If we have only a year left, do I want to spend it in the frustrations of this teaching system? But I guess I shouldn’t be thinking like that (and I am still, very slowly, preparing lessons).

We got that attitude! – 15th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’m so happy and grateful I was aware enough to spot this snake before getting bitten. I didn’t feel scared and managed to get it away from our house. It wasn’t till later that I realised how dangerous it could be. It was very beautiful though.

Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

American saying

To-do list

  • Continue with Coursera (seems useful) ½
  • Sort out Busy Teacher files ✅
  • Read more on classroom management ½
  • Exercise after work
  • Keep practising with RekordBox

Circumstances meant I didn’t achieve so many goals today as I had forgotten I had to go to the dentist after work.

Today, Jimmy sent me a message again that he saw me touch one of the female students on the cheek and that I could get the school into big trouble. I was a little taken aback as I have no recollection of the event and this is because it means nothing to me, not something that I would even think about. I racked my brain for ages and the only thing I can think of is that it may have been KhawTang who ran up to me to say hello at the assembly.

It seems a big overreaction to such innocent gestures. It bothered me though because I feel a little like I’m being singled out. I talked with Kru Noon about it and she ended up venting her own frustrations about the school too. This cheered me up in a weird way!

Anyway, it seems impossible to me to never touch the students as they always jump all over me wanting to play. We both lack each other’s language skills and body language is another easy form of communication between teacher and student. This innocent action feels turned into something sordid and crude but that is in the minds of the adults. My prime concern though is that Jimmy will use this to cause me trouble in the future.

Tomorrow we have a day off school and I will take the opportunity to get the things together for my work permit. Whilst we have to go into the city for this Amy and I will also take the opportunity to grab lunch there. I’m looking forward to a little sleep-in.