How to make something happen, how To meet what’s left for me head-on It’s a long road travelled upon So what dreams of the future now?
I ran so fast to get ahead After all the rushing around I’ve found my feet stuck to the ground How to make something happen, how
Can I learn from my past mistakes Blindly followed the loudest voices Crossroads offer too many choices So what dreams of the future now?
How to make something happen, how To reconcile the debris of all that’s gone? So what dreams of the future now?
A reflection on getting older and wondering what might be next. I’m reasonably happy with my life and feel a little lack of ambition. This could be the folly of comfort but I’m tired too. Shared with dVerse Poetry Form: Villonnet and Poets and Storytellers United – dreams and also for a course at AllPoetry.com 17th Dec 2024 – Published at Edge of Humanity
Child, let me take you by the hand Angel, let me walk you home* The future, waiting to be planned You don’t need to walk alone
The coming is with each step Sun rising over dusty hills The past taught not to forget The truth each lesson instils
Praise each day’s hidden delight Adhere to the wisdom of the word Now let the sunset each night Angel, your prayers have been heard
*paraphrasing Unrest’s ‘Angel, I Will Walk You Home’. It could be argued that the first line paraphrases Ralph McTell’s Streets of London too. Title is a line from Gallucci’s ‘You-Wrecker’. Submitted to No Theme Thursday
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and dizzy because of an evening coffee and then many trips to the bathroom during the night along with Cap wanting to be let in and out of the bedroom a couple of times. Hopefully I don’t sleep in the cinema this afternoon!
Today I’m grateful for:
Going out to see a movie for a change. I’m grateful that even here in North Thailand I’m not far away from a movie theatre that shows movies in English.
The best thing about today was:
Nothing stands out today in particular. Everything has been pretty good.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was expecting to leave at around 2pm today but Amy was hungry and said we will leave at 12. Well, ok then.
My yearly subscription renewal for Quizizz was automatically deducted today which took out a much-needed 800 baht from my account.
Not much I can do about that as I need the subscription so that I can continue teaching with this tool next semester.
I am grateful that they didn’t put the price up which is what normally happens.
Something I learned today?
Okinawa used to be called Ryukyu up until the 1870s and was a tributary state to China before Japan invaded on a murderous conquest.
What made me laugh out loud today?
I don’t tend to laugh out loud much these days unless I’m playing with my students at school – they certainly make me laugh a lot. In day-to-day life though I am…subdued…. Is that the correct word?
I like to think that I am more emotionally stable these days, as I’ve mentioned before, and not so affected by the ups and downs of my mood.
In today’s thoughts about the best thing about today, the whole day has been pleasant and relaxing without any real highlights and definitely no lows. This is preferable for me these days.
Perhaps I do need to laugh more (outside of school) and be a bit more playful, maybe.
Sarah took this picture on Thursday because I wanted a photo with Apple, Baipad and Jan to remember them and Iphone snuck in on the right too.
I recently received a letter from PastMe which I had written one year previously. In that letter, it was scout week and Aing and Now were here for Aing’s graduation. And so it is this time, scout week and Aing and Now are visiting again for their friend’s graduation.
Yesterday we went on a walk up to Khun Korn waterfall where I couldn’t help myself and stripped down and jumped into the freezing waters and felt the breath pushed out of my body by the water dropping the ten metres or so onto my head. It felt amazing. I feel revitalised but also tired today.
It was a funny coincidence that for scout week the M3 students were also at Khun Korn so I dropped by and saw them all getting cold, wet and dirty. They looked like they were having begrudging fun.
The future is not clear so I’ll just keep going until I receive this letter and can reflect back on what happened. Amy and I have discussed possibilities such as my going to Australia for a little break and then coming back together. This would be around the end of the year. She is also considering going to work with Mai for a while if she gets pregnant again. She is definitely going to Athens and Santorini in July before coming back to help me with my visa again. We also discussed her return here to maybe teach a little again and think about opening a small cafe/restaurant here. I still hope she decides to do that because that was one of our original plans when moving here. I wonder what the situation will be by the time of reading this!?
The world is open to many possibilities for us, which is a good place to be.
Will I remember the struggle this year of dealing with my troublesome classes? Will it have been any better with my new classes? I hope I have found some strategies for better dealing with it.
I’m also busy being lazy. Reading, watching TV, listening to music. But also spending a lot of time updating 1994ever.com. Not that it will ever be finished but I hope I’m closer to having all the pre-2000s information completed by now. There’s still a lot of stuff to go through.
I’m enjoying life though not quite as much as last year. Right now, I feel a little stuck in an anticipatory wait. Maybe I need to make something happen next. Or maybe it’s just a feeling and not my reality. How am I feeling now?
These letters to myself are not as easy to write as they are to other people! So with that I’ll be off for now!
Today I’m feeling:
Sick with a cold. My sore throat was hurting through the night and I woke up with a head full of snot. I think I’ll not hang out for too long this morning before heading home and finding some medicine, rest and sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The pharmacy that was open in the village where I bought medicine for fever, sore throat and itchy nose. KhaoTang’s mum’s shop was closed today as were a few other places, possibly due to the Chinese New Year.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling very relaxed despite my sickness. I had nowhere to be and nothing to do beyond whatever I wanted. I wrote to Rob and caught him up on some of my news. I’ll try to keep that communication going again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite being hungry, eating was a bit of a struggle. I didn’t really have an appetite and even though I knew the food was tasty my receptors weren’t getting the message. I forced myself to eat it all though.
Something I learned today?
China made a microchip that uses light rather than electrons. It is said to be three thousand times faster than its electron equivalent and uses so little energy in comparison that it could last for 500 years before needing a recharge.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 15. Rest Before You Are Tired. Even if you love your job, and every day seems like a holiday, you need to take time to rest. You’re a human and not an android, never forget that.
I love rest but I also hate it. I lay down too much and spend many hours reading in that position. I love reading. It feels like resting. I like to get things done. I always like to be lazy. I push myself too much and my body forces me to stop. I’m still working on getting the balance right. Another decade or two and I should be good to go!
I took this picture because I thought these tiny little flowers were cute when I walked around Mum’s garden last week. My mind has been focused on words rather than pictures this week.
Loyal bones are buried everywhere in the green hills* It’s not the revolutions that make our end For the good of all may be the bitterest of pills But is just a moment of the life you’ll spend
The mountains green, the never-ending seas They belong to us, all of our humanity They can be divided in any way we please For the good of everyone’s sanity
Your loyal bones will be all too soon forgotten But the paths you made will be followed Each generation new bones become rotten After those bitter pills have been swallowed
*This line is from Xi Jinping
Today I’m feeling:
Very good and relaxed again. Even though I’m not excited about having to take Tigger to the vet again after work I feel like I have the energy to get me through. Today was the second day doing double exercise and though it’s tough I’m feeling better for it.
Today I’m grateful for:
Meeting my grade 10 students by chance in the library and having good meaningful conversations with them. Outside the classroom, there is more space to relax and chat and they were very keen and didn’t want me to leave. We struggled by with their poor English, my poor Thai and translation. It was nice, though I had planned to do some printing and ran out of time.
The best thing about today was:
As this semester nears its end I feel like all my classes clearly understand what I require of them. This was exemplified today with my grade 8 class whom I gave work to do before my class and they understood that if they did the work beforehand they could just show me, fix any errors and then they were free to go at class time.
Along with the conscientious kids, all the usually lazy ones are the first to get it done because they want to be finished for the day as soon as they can. There’s about half the class that don’t worry either way but I can see them working together to do the work quickly during class time.
They are learning the benefits of getting the job done at least and don’t complain at me any more!
At the same time, I have made my life easier too!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Taking Tigger to the vet and I’m stuck on the highway in a non-moving traffic jam. I can’t even see ahead to what is causing it and I’m imagining that some workers are stupidly doing something at rush hour because that happens here often.
(later) It was. Laying drains to stop flooding. Why do it in the rainy season! Why do it during the day and at rush hour?
Something I learned today?
Sinead O’Connor has died. I never really got into her music but I did respect her in some ways. She seemed to be an outsider, stuck inside the music industry. In my old one-sheet giveaway fanzine Fuck Around each issue I dedicated a section to a picture of her titled Sinead O’Corner and left it without any context. I just thought she was attractive with her tomboy hair. As I perceived her as an underdog I rooted for her. Ripping up a picture of the Pope on live TV gained my deepest respect.
Do I spend more time thinking about the future or the past?
The past of course! That’s what this whole bloggedy business is all about.
I don’t really remember thinking much about the future before 1994. To be honest I had no ideas before that. Now that 30 more years have passed there’s more of my life gone by than I can expect to come. Whatever the future brings is ok.
I took these pictures because I went in to see my old students and found many of them in deep sleep. What a crazy country. I like it. School here is just totally unlike what I experienced. This is where culture starts.
A society of no use, no one else wanted to play Inspired to produce new anthems for today From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes
Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking Many more infected by songs the kids were making Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades Better run for cover, here come the renegades
Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.
Today I’m feeling:
Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.
Today I’m grateful for:
The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing.
In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.
The best thing about today was:
Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.
Something I learned today?
Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.
What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?
These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.
(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)
I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.
You don’t need to worry about the future If you made your foundations solid today Soon this day is done, there’s only looking back And reflecting on how you got along this way Say to yourself that you work and you exist And it’s some kind of history you’re making What’s done is done and all is set That’s the future that you’ve been creating
Today I’m feeling:
Struggled to get up as sleep was interrupted a little by being too hot but once I settled in to exercise my body started to feel good and ready to go. My mind followed suit. I’m writing this as I’m stuck up on stage waiting for this ceremony to finish but I’m not resentful or bothered about being here. Rather than feeling like a waste of time I can read or write in relative peace. The two quick coffees I downed before getting here probably helped a lot too.
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Karn dragging me up onto the stage for the ceremony today. Although I didn’t understand anything it was nice to watch the traditional Thai dance and the beautiful song that was sung. And then Kru Karn asked if I wanted to leave as she said she had class so I managed to escape before it got too boring. A nice way to start the morning.
The best thing about today was:
In the morning, my body feeling good after exercise and my brain feeling good after coffee. Hearing the song the children sang and chatting with Kru Karn, meeting many of my students in a slightly different setting than normal outside the classroom. In the afternoon, enjoying dealing with my last class for the day and at least making it a little enjoyable for those that are still struggling to understand. Even the students I mildly punish left smiling. Chatting with Kru Fluke and Kru Fang and then gossiping with some of the students before enjoying the drive home listening to a podcast about Killing Joke’s first album. In the evening, before running out of energy, I enjoyed revisiting the rest of the day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got home around 4 pm I dashed out to go and get the fried fish from the walking street that I usually enjoy but they either weren’t there today or I was too early so I came home empty-handed and had a quick microwave spaghetti meal which wasn’t really enough so I had some pomelo and then some raisins with rice crackers. Even then I didn’t feel sated. Around 7 pm I suddenly ran out of energy and feel exhausted and spent. There are a few things I’d like to be doing but feel like I may have to just go to bed. I don’t feel sleepy, I kinda don’t feel anything.
Something I learned today?
I learned that some states in the USA are suing Hyundai and Kia (I think) for their cars being too easy to steal! Now those companies have to keep some hundreds of millions of dollars in reserve for possible compensation claims. Totally ridiculous!
Where did I make progress?
I made a little progress with my Thai learning and also with my classes. A little progress with working my abs and hanging for 15 seconds a couple of times a day. This progress is slow and steady and is the best type of progress.
How has my personality changed or evolved over time?
I would say I have followed a fairly traditional evolution of personality, gaining wisdom through reflection and not being in such a hurry as in my youth. I’ve learned better control of my emotions, though that has been a long hard road to navigate.
I took this picture because today is ‘respect the teachers’ day and although I was going to skip out I ended up getting dragged up on stage with everyone. I watched the beautiful dance but better still was a choir who sang a really nice Thai song. It made me think about learning some Thai songs to help with language learning.
Cheering on the cheerleaders We’re practising our cheer It’s our team’s turn to rule We are the leaders clear
Inspiring on to further heights We’re living our best days Until complacency at the top Sees a change of ways
No longer on your side You’re slipping down the ladder Only winners get our support There’s no time for being sadder
Who was that team we knew? They’ve disappeared somehow Forgotten heroes of the past Are left to linger now
Today I’m feeling:
I’m happy and looking forward to teaching again. Meeting my students was fun and brought me happiness but I still feel I’m missing something deep down.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the class homeroom teachers who will take care of my students. I know all of them so I think we can work well together to mould the students to my wishes in class. It gives me a bit more confidence at least.
The best thing about today was:
Hanging out with my students again. A lot of them are disappointed that I’m not teaching them much or at all this semester. That was nice to hear but I know they will adjust quickly. I enjoyed being around them so much that I stayed until 2 pm even though I could’ve just gone home at 9 am if I’d wanted to. I met some of my new students too. They mostly seem shy so far. I’m sure that won’t take long to change though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got my timetable for the semester which threw a few curveballs. Just one one-hour class on Monday which would be great but it starts at 1.30 pm so I have to go to school at 8 am and then hang around for five hours before teaching. I don’t really mind this. It gives me time to read or write or prepare… I can fill the time, no problem.
Something I learned today?
There are rumours that US NGOs paid voters for pro-democracy candidates in this weekend’s election in an effort to influence Thailand away from China and towards the US. Whilst I think this is probably likely I would still hope that a new, younger government will be able to improve the situation for the majority of people in Thailand. There still seems to be a feeling of hope for the future. No doubt there will still be some form of finagling for the military-backed establishment to make sure they maintain power so it could all go to shit in a second so we’ll just have to wait and see. Thai people in general seem quite positive and accepting of their lot. Of course, they all wish it was better. It would be nice to get a sense of optimism for the future here though.
What is a book, movie, or song that has deeply affected me?
Too many to mention but off the top of my head Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man and Notes From Underground, Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina for books. Movies – movies seem to have a less deep impact though I enjoy many. There is one in particular though that I wish I could forget. That is certainly one that affected me and not in a good way. As for music, I think that is all about nostalgia. There are many songs that give me goosebumps.
I took this picture because Tigger was looking cute and relaxed on the chair under the table but he sat up before I could get the picture I wanted. I got this instead. What a life for a fat cat! Cap and Tig have been through so much and seem as happy as they’ve ever been.
Bandaged eyes for a holiday treat A walking cough on coal-black feet Animals and humans linger in shit The bray and the neigh, murmurs the pit
Air to breathe, relaxed underground There echoes the ever-tapping sound Fathers tell sons to break the chain Close the gates on working man’s shame
Time has turned the tide around A union broken and unknown freedom found Damocles laughs and makes some bank The pit ponies nostalgic for the sulphur stank
Today I’m feeling:
Not too bad today but not particularly inspired either. Enjoyed starting to read the Brix Smith book whilst at Utopia. I didn’t want to stop so ended up drinking 3 coffees instead of my usual two. Amy’s brother called to come here so I’m waiting for him now but I can’t drink more coffee!
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy getting home safely last night and then for her flatmate who consoled her today when she cried over our lovely Kim Chi. I still miss her terribly but I’m getting more used to her not being around. Amy told me she was excited to come back in July to see all our cats but now her trip is tinged with sadness too.
The best thing about today was:
I really enjoyed reading today with the Brix Smith book at Utopia and approaching the end of Death’s End at home. I will miss this sci-fi series but have many other cool books to get into next.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There are times I feel fatalistic about the future but I also know that making uncomfortable changes usually brings about a renewed sense of accomplishment. I have been happy with the way things had been going until the shock of Kim’s death rattled me. At this point, I don’t know what’s coming. Amy is pretty unhappy to be leaving Australia and has such a negative attitude to being in Thailand again that I’m not sure how long it will last. I know she wants us all to be together but prefers it not to be here. Going back to Australia together in the future feels really up in the air to me. I have no idea what I can do there for work. Amy is keen on the idea of opening a restaurant which I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to attempt. A lot of time, money and stress will be ahead of that. Can I submit to that to make Amy happy?
Something I learned today?
I watched a magic video that showed how to make small objects float using a very fine thread. It’s a neat trick that maybe I’ll practice one day and show my students.
What are the details of my daily routine?
Right now, in the holidays: get up around 8.30, feed the cats, shower, ride to Utopia, drink coffees and read, go home and read (different book), watch YouTube videos, eat (depending on how hungry I am), video call Amy when feeding the cats, water the garden, sometimes play guitar, watch more YouTube, read more, watch Netflix, shower, get in bed, read books and comics on iPad, sleep. I’m not spending much time listening to music since Kim died; I’m not quite in the mood for it yet.
I took this picture because the ceramic figure reminds me of Amy and this is one of her cactuses that I haven’t managed to kill yet. I had to force myself out to find something to take a picture of today.
I met a salesman from an orange land Who said “Two fat and chubby legs of stone Stand on the golf course…In the bunker, on the sand Buried in broken promises, whose botox smooth Unwrinkled lip, and sneer of old demand Tell that it’s maker well understood Lifeless things will always be lifeless things This hand mocks him, there is no good And on the pedestal, these words appear My name is Trump, you’re fired! Look at my face, losers, and despair No trace remains of policies of decay A colossal trainwreck of heartless hot air Blows across the bunkers and far away.”
The charging cable that I always borrow from Kru Mai so I can use the speaker in the classroom. I’m charging now so I can use it for class tomorrow.
The best thing about today was:
In my morning class finding 100 baht that someone had dropped but no one claimed. I kept it and waited to see if anyone would come back to claim it though no one did.
In my second class, it was Anchan’s birthday and we sang her happy birthday. Often the kids ask me for money and I’ll give them one baht and tell them to share. Anchan cheekily asked for 100 baht and as I was up for the day I gave her the money I’d found.
Something I learned today?
In 2010 the US Supreme Court made a ruling in Citizens United versus Federal Election Commission that companies are people and money is speech, therefore allowing companies to use money to influence the political process, effectively turning the US into a plutocracy.
What is my favourite photo of the past month?
I think this must be the pictures Aing took of me at the waterfall. The experience itself was fantastic and freezing and then to see myself, a flabby middle-aged man in his underwear dwarfed by the torrents of water falling from the rocks yet laughing with joy, stupid mad joy still motivates me to live my life any way I can and want.
I took this picture because, in the messy garden of House which is full of green everything, this red flower overhanging the path screams ‘take my picture’!
A lazy weekend spent trying to keep my brain in control. It wasn’t too bad but it meant not being in the mood to do anything much.
There’s a bunch of chores I was hoping to complete but ended up doing only the essentials so another huge pile of shirts awaits as well as all Amy’s indoor plants that need some topping up with water.
At the the start of the week I’m somehow filled with energy but by the end I’m knackered. This weekend was a catch-up with myself.
To push myself a little I’ve messaged Bruno to go for a little ride which also forces me to get my bike a quick service and a wash too. By committing to some things I’ll get pushed along.
I did spend the weekend chatting in LINE with some students about their futures and that was a good little exercise in communication, not just for them but for me too.
Back in the classroom, this morning was fun as I’m relaxing into the end of the semester, as the students have been doing for the last six weeks or so already.
Sometimes I question whether pushing the kids harder is the right thing to do. Their lives are so much easier compared to my own experience and what I understand for many other students around the world. In my mind that leads to laziness and lack of innovation or critical thinking.
I look at myself and realise how I, myself, hidden away from people, generally ignorant of the dramas of the world, feel much happier that way. Maybe there’s just no right and wrong, or good or bad way. I can feel that I’ve bonded with this group of M1 (grade 7) students – I guess as we’ve had at-school classes for the whole year instead of the lockdown interruptions of the last two years.
I’ll miss these kids as I won’t teach them so much next year if class arrangements stay the same
The bathroom at House. I had to go into the city after drinking coffees and water at House and in the time from leaving to heading back school I was busting. I didn’t think I’d make it to school so quickly ducked back to use the bathroom at House – just in time!
The best thing about today was:
Eating the bread that Nut made and brought round yesterday along with the smoked salmon and cream cheese Amy left here. I’m so happy to have people around me to feed me!
Also talking with Amy on video call. Though she’s far away it feels like she’s right here. Conversation and communication hasn’t changed since she left, just the method.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I think it’s good that it’s getting harder to think of things that were out of my control. I don’t recognise those things so easily now as they don’t affect me, I’ve let go. Sure, there was lots that was out of my control today but it was all inconsequential. Can I say they were handled without even thinking?
Something I learned today?
Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken was written as a jest to his friend but has been turned, rightfully I think, into a call for individualism and taking chances. I like Frost’s quip ‘I’m never more serious than when I’m joking.’ Truth is often told in jest.
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
Physically I’m relatively uncluttered these days. As I’ve gotten older, the spaces I’ve lived in have gotten bigger whilst I’ve been buying less. So the stuff I do have is just more spread out. Digitally I’m trying to reduce the clutter of my photos and music library. This has involved me doing nothing so far but knowing that this is where I can reduce clutter in my life.
I took this picture on Saturday because it’s all about the edges. Where the water meets the land, dividing it, where stories are made and bridges built. The mountains and the sky, clear division.
First full school day with no Amy. Back to business as usual.
Running around a little today getting together things for my work permit. So much paper waste in Thailand. 7 copies of every stamped passport page! Once this paper is filed it will never be seen again.
Good classes today, kids happy enough, teacher happy enough. I’m starting to sit back a little and can see some self-motivation from some of the students now.
Mum and Dad’s plumbing guy came and fixed up my pipe and it looks ok except for the hole in the concrete. I’ll have to figure out how to take care of it at some point I guess. Maybe just fill it with sand. Anyway, only around 600 baht to sort out. Happy with that.
Tangmo rolled around the grass as I caught up on watering.
Talked to Amy about the coming year and how things might work out. I think the seed has been planted to do something here but there are another 6-12 months for new ideas to pop up.
1994ever 