We got that attitude! – 11th June 2020

Hayden in hospital – far away can’t see. Drama in his life. Girls – damn, was that always my problem too? Glad I found a couple of good ones in my time. What to do – what to say? Talk to him later I guess.

Head not too clear – last night say goodbye to Nu as he heads home. Couple of beers – no drunk feeling but slight blurry feeling this morning. Head with thoughts but not clear.

Cracking creaking neck. Stretch it better. Bleugh, alcohol. Fat belly breathing up and down. Try to clear.

Teach tonight. Talk more. Am I good at talking– good at listening?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that my son was smart enough to seek help when he really needed it. I hope he can work through his problems and lead a happy life.

To-do list

  • Mini-zine for Nu – check his Facebook ½
  • Positive – smile- compliment – wish ½
  • Prepare for meeting Mike tomorrow ✅
  • More Thai practice – this is a great opportunity ✅
  • Try to talk with Hayden more ½

As Hayden had had his phone taken off him it was hard to talk with him today but he called me at lunchtime and he sounded much better today. He thinks he’ll be there for a few more days and I hope they can get him on the right path. I think he knows about this but is finding it difficult to get away from what he is familiar with. He has also struggled with the idea of change but could give himself more credit for how well he has actually dealt with it in the past.

I was a little quiet today but actually quite happy, just wanted to listen more than speaking today.

I tried to do the mini-zine in the morning and I put all the ideas together but the execution was awful. I’ll work on a proper version and send it to him. It was fun to put together though and I’d like to do it for more people.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #17 – 21st December 2019

Music from Captain Beefheart, MIA, Danielson, Screaming Maldini, The Crowd, Lovely Little Girls, Bruno Nicholai, GISM, Sajjanu, Mason, Don Cabellero, Caroliner, Thingy, Thinking Fellers Union Local 282, Family Fodder, Teenage PHDs, The Girls, Soul Junk, Naked Raygun, Discharge.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have developed my friendly personality. I never used to be like this but have practiced hard and now have the self-confidence to talk to people openly.

To-do list

  • Talk to a stranger.
  • Compliment as many people as you can (sincerely).
  • Record new TCRAH.
  • Upload latest TCRAH.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Study some more Thai.
  • Sort some more CDs.

Did it list

  • Managed to do everything on my to do list today.
  • Talked with a stranger.
  • Complimented as many people as I could – Fern, Khawthang, Phuli, Sea, Prang, Amy.
  • Recorded new TCRAH.
  • Uploaded and shared latest TCRAH.
  • Read 4 chapters of Anna Karenina.
  • Studied a little more Thai.
  • Sorted CDs and music files.
  • Helped Amy prepare for tomorrow.
  • Got up before 8am.
  • Started looking at old writing etc.

I didn’t think I’d completed my to do list today but realised I did talk to a stranger, JaJa. She was sitting with her cat outside the copy shop. 
I complimented a few people today but realise I could compliment even more. It was good that it was in my mind though. 
Recording TCRAH felt a little rushed today because we are quite busy with other things – this meant that I didn’t get to experiment as much as I would’ve liked. 
Studying Thai at my own pace seems to suit me a little – if I can form that habit continually it will make me feel good.

Gob On You (Shenzhen) – 28th April 2001

Surviving on my wits! Finally got some money! Otherwise was in trouble! Forgot my PIN number for my card – idiot. Luckily Bank of China let me withdraw over the counter – feel much better now. Met a nice lady on the train who looked after me and got me on a bus close to my hostel. Vivian came to meet me in her lunch hour. She will be very busy so not sure will see much of her. Not sure whether to stay in SZ or go to Beijing early to meet Yuan Yuan – call her later. SZ is better than GZ and where I’m staying is well developed. Food is good – seems reasonably priced and I found coffee – thank god! China has a strange smell – kinda cross between soy and dirt and old incense – and that is when it doesn’t stink like shit – if China wants to attract more foreigners it should figure out what the hell that smell is – could be raw sewerage…. There’s people everywhere of course – and girls – beautiful girls – everywhere! Slept a lot so far. It’s about 30 degrees here. Too hot. But will venture into the city later, it looked very trendy.

5th August 2021 – I’m enjoying looking on Maps to try and remember more about Shenzhen. I can see there are lots of interesting places around the area I was staying now. This is around Shennan Avenue. This highway was relatively new at the time and a lot of landscaping was being completed. There were a few high rises but not as many as I can see now. Although I didn’t go and look, it felt like the development hadn’t gone out much further yet but I can see that has all changed.

The nice lady (and her friends) on the train worked for Amway, which I found surprising. I knew of Amway when I lived in the UK but never came across it in Australia and yet here they were in China. I felt a bit guarded that she might try to sell me stuff but she didn’t and she kindly got me from the train station to the bus station (right next door I think) and explained to the driver where I was trying to get to.

I knew only a little about Shenzhen at the time. I’d heard it was developing quickly from its original farmland and that it was next to the Hong Kong border. In fact, at that time there were so few skyscrapers that it was obvious that those I could see in the distance were in Hong Kong. It’s only looking on the map now I realise how close to the sea I was. There was definitely no salty sea breeze going around. I can also see that there is a metro or train line now, where a bus was the only option before. There was also not many cars on the roads.

Vivian was a smart young lady around my age but it soon became apparent to me that she was looking for a husband and a way to progress her life outside China. This would become a common theme amongst almost every female who approached me on this trip. Looking back, I think I jumped to many conclusions at the time without understanding much about the nuances.

Anyway, Vivian was nice, kind and helpful and we went sightseeing together a few times over the next few days even though, as I mention, I was already thinking about getting up to Beijing more quickly.

I compare Shenzhen with Guangzhou but I really only got a superficial look at both places. I think it was just that there were fewer people in Shenzhen and as everything was newly built it seemed a lot cleaner and modern.

I was staying in a hostel which was pretty big, maybe 6 or 8 floors and many rooms per floor. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting from a hostel and I found that many people were migrant workers and students living there semi-permanently. I was in a small room of eight that was pretty much 4 bunk beds in one room and a shower/toilet in another. This was also my first time coming across squat toilets which was a real test of my skinny thighs.

Luggage was just kept on the floor or your own bunk. Despite the room being fully occupied I barely saw anyone else whilst I was there. There was an older Portuguese guy on the bottom of my bunk and he was making connections for production, import and export of furniture. I made friends in the evening with a happy-go-lucky Chinese student who took me to the restaurants next door where he helped me find food for my pescatarian diet. This involved some finger-sized fish that I would spend ages trying to take the bones out of before realising that it was easier just to crunch them up and swallow them! I was on a steep learning curve but revelling in it.

It was stupidly hot and humid for me, not like the dry heat I had grown accustomed to in Australia. This necessitated finding beer which was a successful endeavour with one caveat. Despite beer being ridiculously cheap and available, it was almost never cold! On that first night returning to the hostel I asked if there was a fridge anywhere but I was out of luck. Seeing my disappointment (and disgust at having to drink warm beer – oh, how I have changed since leaving England!) they quickly offered a solution. Grabbing a set of keys they took me to the Coke vending machine, opened it up and stored my beers inside. Anytime I wanted one I just had to come and ask them to open the machine. I found this delightful and caring, though I think they weren’t quite prepared on how fast I would drink and keep asking them to open the machine up for me. The beers weren’t strong and due to the humidity, it was easy to drink quickly. This also required navigating toilets more often than I would have liked too but that problem becomes less a stress the more you drink anyway.

The coffee I found was probably just the 3-in-1 sachets but at least it was caffeine. The struggle to find coffee when travelling was real then!

New countries have new smells, as I had discovered on arrival in Australia. The smell in China may just have been people, the close proximity of everyone, their flasks of tea….I don’t know. The stink of shit was probably the reality – at a point where it wasn’t a stench that made you gag but like the sweet aroma of your own farts. Though sometimes it could veer dangerously close to inducing vomiting. Anyone Chinese person I mentioned this to had no idea what I was talking about. Not only for them was it the normal smell of fresh air but I later learned through experiences with durian and stinky tofu that many did not view smells as either good or bad, but that the smell was just the smell. This realisation was quite dramatic and made me understand, or at least view, things a little differently.

The girls, the pretty girls….well I have no particular memories about girls in Shenzhen and I’m sure there were far more plain, ordinary girls around that I did not pay particular attention to. But, there was one afternoon when I was walking to get some food along the completely quiet pavement next to the highway and a beautiful girl in a tight black dress was approaching from the opposite direction. She didn’t notice me at all and as she was about 20 feet away she hocked up a huge gob of spit and deposited it on the sidewalk. My first real spitting experience shattered illusions.

Ice skating – 21st September 1985

Went ice skating – it was shit.

29th Feb 2024 – Sometimes I made an effort to try and fit in. I really did. This would also have been prompted by the fact that lots of girls went ice skating too. The reason I wouldn’t have enjoyed this is that I was too cool for school and making a fool of myself was a no-no. It would take me a long, long while to lighten up.

12th Mar 2025 – It’s weird that I only have a memory of the feeling of this event. I have no idea where this happened. I can’t think of any ice rinks at all but I’m guessing it was in Poole or Bournemouth (maybe Ferndown?)

*The Week That Was – 8th April 1985

Record of the week: VA – Unsafe At Any Speed, Husker Du – Zen Arcade

8th April 1985
Day off. Decided we’d have a piss-up. It was quite a laugh. Went to Houldey’s til midnight. Dean broke my nose!!

9th April 1985
Got up ok. Didn’t feel too bad. Chopped some trees. Put fungicide on this posh bungalow. Did Mr Ashby’s bedroom. Mr Ashby told me about 2CR competition.

10th April 1985
Didn’t go to see Josh and John last night. 3 girls up the road invited people to go round so we did.

11th April 1985
Saw those girls again I expect.

12th April 1985
Bought two bottles of Scotsmac. Drank one but didn’t get pissed. Went to YC.

13th April 1985
Mum goes to London. Husker Du and Die Kreuzen LPs came. Got fuckin’ ratted tonight. Emma, Kirsty and Sam came round. Graeme got off with Emma and I sort of got off with Kirsty.

14th April 1985
Graeme said Emma’s got a big mouth. Haha.

*Angels – 28th January 1985

Diana is divine
Katie is so clean
Claire is my sweet
Julie is so keen
Lovely angels, broken wings
No one told me of these things
Angela is my angel
Susan is my dream
Lisa is so lovely
But Jane just makes me scream
They’re my lovely angels, broken wings
Now I know of these things


The Week That Was

Record of the week: Husker Du – Metal Circus, Manitou – 7″, Manitou – Live (Waiting For My Girl, Something Happened, Nervous Breakdown)

28th January 1985
M: Went to work. Went to Careers at 9. Drew £70 from Building Society. Paid £5 fine. Went back to work. Rest of the morning went fairly quick.
A: Afternoon went as quick as morning. Me and Ian are swapping over next Monday. Ian’s joining Navy in March.
E: Did Postal Course stuff. Continuing doing the Void art – I hope they use it. Manitou on Thursday.
7

9th Feb 2024 – An image of Ian jumped into my memory as I was writing this today. Yesterday I wasn’t even sure who he was! He was a Weebly-looking kid, a round body and round head, no neck and freckles. He certainly had the look of someone in the Navy.

29th January 1985
M: Feeling fucking tired. This morning took a long time to get over with – especially having to count Key Terrain.
A: Afternoon was OK. Only 4 tickets to book which can’t be bad – for me at least. Got back – rung Paul up. Atrox 16th Feb. Prac. on Sunday.
E: Went to Matt’s. He said that my lyrics were good. Got records back.
5

30th January 1985
M: Got on bus.Chucked till roll out of back. Went down college. Got bored during plumbing.
A: Acid rain!? Carpentry – oh wow. Wayne wasn’t on bus. Got school bus back again.
E: Went to YC. Went to Wimborne YC. Ulterior Motive played very well. Matt passed his test.
7

31st January 1985
M: Went to work. Can’t remember what I did but it went quick anyway.
A: Afternoon went ok. Looking forward to tonight. Fuck all to do at work really.
E: Went to see Manitou – they were absolutely fucking brilliant.
8

1st February 1985
M: Decided not to go to work.
A: Woke up about 12. Stayed in just resting.
E: Went to YC. Had plenty of free games of pool. Took Lee home
6

2nd February 1985
M: Went to Wimborne. Couldn’t get DM’s. Came back. Pissed around Gaunts for a while. Sharon came down so we got on her nerves.
A: Went to gravel pits on the heath. Fucked around there for a while. Came back.
E: Went to Muz’s. Played computer til about 1.30. Left at 2.30
8

3rd February 1985
M: Went to Paul’s. Got train to Dorchester.
A: Atrox practice was pretty boring but their demo sounds quite good. Got in at 7. Had a bath.
E: Don’t feel too good. Bad back, legs, arms, chest and got a cold.
5

Open Up – 7th November 1984

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss
Chance to good to miss
Give me a kiss, give me a kiss
Chance to good to miss
Open up, open up
Out of luck, out of luck
Open up, open up
Out of luck, out of luck
You wouldn’t open up to me
I was so disappointed you see
Show me love, show me love
Open up, open up
Biting tongue, caressing tongue
Something wrong? Something wrong?

23rd July 2023 – Trying to figure out girls, before trying to figure out myself.

Two Litre Virgins – 3rd November 1984

Those two-litre girls
Fighting men of the real world
Coax them back to bed
And slap them in the head
They’ll go all around the world
Those two-litre girls
Boasting how loose they are
Snogging in the back of the car
Get back to your flat
She’ll show you where she’s at
‘You’re not touching that!’
Freeze

Two-litre virgins standing at the pump
Telling you when to jump
Boasting they’re as wide as a bucket
You know what to do – if it moves
Fuck it

21st Jan 1998 – I guess I must’ve got teased a lot in school! Didn’t like the way girls could lead you on and then drop you. I remember having a huge crush on a girl when I was about 12 or 13 and couldn’t believe it when she asked me out – only to find next day her and her friends laughing at me for believing it could’ve happened. Hmmm – deep emotional scars. I still love girls though, better than boys if you know what I mean – I got more shit from boys in the end.

*The Week That Was – 28th May 1984

Record of the week: Black Flag – My War

28th May 1984
Got to sleep at 4am. Woke up at 11. Watched telly. I got a bad back. Took Ben home. I was in bed most of the day. My back was killing me. Got better so went to Houldey’s. They were watching some pop shit. Beki and Dandy kept fucking going ‘Cor, he’s beautiful’ and all that shit. Came back. Watched Scully, Private Benjamin and Hill Street Blues.

29th May 1984
Woke up. Went to Wimborne. Absolutely no one there. Went to Houldey’s. Came back. Started more on the Beast. Went back to Houldey’s to get a rubber. Dandy wasn’t wearing much and I was trying not to stare. Came back. Did a bit of painting. The night has little in store. Got on with more painting – top Beast is nearly complete. Can’t remember anything else. Went to sleep.

30th May 1984
Got up 11. Decided to go to Wimborne in the hope of seeing Kathryn. Saw Liz, Wayne, Dodds. Wimborne is a shithole. So came back. Did more painting. Watched European Cup Final Liverpool vs AS Roma 1-1. Liverpool won on penalties. Andy rang, said Anti-Sect was off as the place got smashed up so they aren’t having gigs there. Watched Force 10 From Navarone. Sleep.

31st May 1984
Got up 12. Went down the track but came back. Did painting. Stewart rang and gave me a number to ring about a job. I rang – bloke wasn’t there – said he’d ring back – waited. Decided to go out. Went down track. Then up to Houldey’s. Beat Jamie at pool. Found out Kathryn’s number is the one I’ve got. Came back. Did more on painting. It’s now 1.30ish. Night night.

1st June 1984
Couldn’t sleep – was doing Rubik’s Cube at 3 in the morning. Got to sleep at 4. Woke up at 10.30 – feel knackered. Did more painting for a while. Went down track. It’s in a bit of a state after the rain. Went to Houldey’s – didn’t stay long. Running out of petrol. Came back. Rang about job again – he wasn’t there. Rang Kathyrn – she said Jamie was lying about her wanting to go out with me. Pissed off – so went out on common. Watched film.

2nd June 1984
Mum woke me up at 8.50. Went to get bus but the fucker didn’t come. Came back and did more painting. Got bus in the afternoon – met Sam Church – had a game of telephone numbers with her. Finally managed to get Black Flag LP at last. Fuck all to do in Poole. Plenty of nice girls though – but there’s no chance. Came back. (?) kids were following Sam on a moped. Dandy got on bus – cor. Came back. Black Flag LP is not as good as expected. Watched telly all night. Found some books to read.

3rd June 1984
Woke up 12. Finally finished painting. Thinking of a background to do for it. Took dog. Pissed around for a while. Went to Houldey’s. Went down track. Went up dump with Jasp and Muz. Me and Jasp started a fire – Muz bricked it home. We went back. I came back. Watched Spitting Image and (?). Pretty good. It’s 12 now so it’s tomorrow.