Tag: gratitude journal

Don’t Date The Drummer – 21st July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 6 Comments

The funk of the mosh pit in July
Stuck in a van with your mates
Driving up the highway of life
There’s a rule that clearly states

Never date the drummer
Especially in a heavy metal band
The bass player is a no-no too
The back is the place to stand

It’s not a rhythm section
If it cannot keep the beat
And if time cannot be kept
Then sit alone to eat

Staring at the sweaty walls each night
Whilst arms flail along with hair
The drummer’s away in another world
And you may as well not be there

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions blog

1st Jun 2024 – submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

Like it’s a happy Friday. I’m pretty tired but knowing I have two reasonably easy classes to finish the week I came to work feeling comfortable. This time last week Amy was still in the air and I was watching the kids enjoy Japan Day. We both agree that it has gone quickly. Last night I blamed Amy for this as she rushed straight into cleaning up the house and running around to get things done. That’s good though. She still has energy!

Today I’m grateful for:

The Spinning Visions blog, which is written by an early twenties American girl. She has a great way with words and I’m finding so much inspiration within them to write poems all the time. She possesses a wisdom, and others who comment on her posts seem to agree, I find myself wishing I had at that age. I guess I also associate her words with what must be going through my student’s heads here in my high school and the reminder of my own memories of those times.

The best thing about today was:

Amy’s seafood dinner of salmon sashimi in green chilli sauce, air-fried battered squid and air-fried fish with garlic and Chinese celery. I sat watching TV for about 30 minutes after getting home and was then surprised by these three dishes appearing. Amazingly, I’m losing weight. I guess my microwave meals followed by junk snacks don’t help when I’m by myself.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’m out of energy and not excited about running around here and there tomorrow too. It’s 8.30 pm and I just want to fall asleep listening to jazzcore.

Something I learned today?

I watched highlights of the recent men’s tennis final at Wimbledon and was happy to see a new face on the scene. A handsome youth from I don’t know where called Alcaraz, I think. I saw another video of his top twenty shots and he’s quite a talent. I never enjoyed the last two decades of men’s tennis champions because they were boring to watch. This kid seems to have some magic that I’m quite happy to get behind.

What colour best reflects my personality? Why?

When I was young my favourite colour was blue. I do not know why. I felt like I chose this without even considering why I liked it.

In my teenage years and twenties, I was stereotypically all about black as I reflected my inner feelings. 

As I moved to warmer climes, black became a bad choice to stay cool even if it looked cool. 

After succeeding in an office job, I rejected regular white shirts and chose to stand out with beautifully ornate flowery shirts.

Over time I felt like red and purple reflected my personality in some ways. Sometimes subdued but also able to stand out in a sea of mediocrity.

I took this picture because this was the amazing dinner my amazing wife served up this afternoon. Did I ever tell of my amazing wife and her amazing food skills?

The Sad Birthdays Start – 20th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Not too young, not too old
Have a happy birthday today
Comfortable in this solid, good age
Time moves only one way
While all around are obsessed
With things that matter not
How can these golden years
Be the only gold we’ve got?

inspired by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Similar to yesterday. Heavy eyes but body set to go. Waiting for my brain to catch up. Coffee and kids will do the trick. 

The kids will be disappointed this morning as the playground is closed as another one of the sails covering the roof has ripped and fallen down in the storm yesterday afternoon. I wonder when they will decide to give up on this design and put in something more practical instead.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to watch Seven Kings Must Die via a dodgy Thai gambling website on our big TV tonight. It took me a while to get back into the story from the TV series (The Last Kingdom) but I enjoyed it a lot. 

The best thing about today was:

Getting home, hungry as hell and Amy said ‘ok, I’ll cook now’ and the smells from the kitchen that I haven’t smelled for a long time. It’s the best! My microwave TV dinners are no comparison.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It took me about half an hour to watch a five-minute video this afternoon because Amy kept talking to me, asking questions that required attention. When I felt confident that she’d finished I jokingly asked her if it was possible that I might be able to finish watching this five-minute video that I started watching thirty minutes ago? Thankfully she was in a good mood!

Something I learned today?

The phrase ‘taking the mick’ came from cockney rhyming slang. Mick is Mickey Bliss hence ‘taking the piss’. But now I’m wondering who was Mickey Bliss and where did ‘taking the piss’ even come from?

I was actually conscious of learning this while reading it hence writing it here. I love language play.

What is a cause or issue that is important to me?

Increasingly it is education as this is my field of employment. 

Over the long term, it is animal welfare and food use. Slowly the world is changing and the abuse of animals for food consumption will hopefully keep decreasing and instead of wasting crops to feed animals, we can just remove that part of the chain and use those crops to feed other humans. 

Increasing production and consumption will bring down prices of vegetarian products and drive up meat prices so they become less affordable and desirable. There are still lots of things holding back this change but it feels to me to be the most virtuous way.

Whilst this issue is important to me, I’m not evangelical about it. I do what I can by myself. Other people’s choices are out of my control.

I took this picture because this is how I found my students when I came to the classroom. I woke them up with my phone alarm and greeted them good morning. I’m curious what schools are like in other countries now. South America, the Middle East, and other parts of Asia. 

Donation Pile – 19th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Tears of heartache spilt on her dress
The memory held must no longer impress
“This was me, but this was me then”
And she will never be that person again
She can’t carry all the ghosts of time
All the lives lived already left behind
She cannot hold on to the warm evening air
And this dress no longer takes her there

inspired by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Woke up feeling okay after a good sleep, shoving the fan against the open window again as the temperature actually rose during the evening. But as I was driving to work I suddenly felt a wave of tiredness come over my brain. My body still felt ok but my brain wanted to switch off. Unfortunately, that’s not an option but I wonder if this is my regular run out of energy that I will need a big sleep to catch up on?

(Later) I managed to pick up my energy throughout the day though I was looking forward to relaxing at home until Amy reminded me we have a plan to meet Nong Na.

It ended up raining so hard that when we got home everyone agreed to change plans to meet another day instead.

Today I’m grateful for:

My student Pin, who didn’t complain when I tracked her down in the canteen at lunchtime and made her try to read the work she should have done yesterday. I know she struggles to read so I wanted her to see that I am there to help her and push her forward even if the progress is only marginal. She did her best and I was grateful that she tried.

The best thing about today was:

Whilst I was standing amongst a group of students talking with Jet and Noah, Nicha stood beside me and started massaging my wrist and forearm. 

I’m not sure why or what was in her thoughts but I appreciated the massage as my wrists were sore from doing some push-ups this morning. 

I don’t feel uncomfortable when teenage students (boys or girls) do odd things like that. I think maybe they are testing boundaries or testing themselves in a safe environment. 

I know other teachers’ own boundaries may be pushed in that situation but I would never let anything become inappropriate. 

I play with my students as if they were my own children and would never hurt them physically or emotionally. I want them to grow, unafraid of criticism and to develop their own self-esteem and confidence in their own actions and emotions.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy dropped me at school today so I had no car to zip out for coffee, not that I have much time on Wednesdays to do that. I embraced being in the school for the whole day and filled the time with helping, talking and playing with students and teachers alike.

Something I learned today?

The guy most of the country voted for in the recent election has been disallowed to be prime minister on a technical issue because that is what certain people in power want. When these people don’t get what they want through the systems in place, they can always find another way. The tide is turning but it’s too slow for many.

What am I feeling right now?

8 pm – Ready for bed but not quite out of energy in my limbs. 

My eyelids are heavy, my ankles are aching, my wrists are sore.

My mind is still humming though with the idea that I have to prepare some more lessons soon. I don’t think I have enough for some of my classes. I also know that I won’t have much free time in October to prepare for the second semester. This anxiety is sitting quietly in the back of my head.

I took this picture because this critter was sitting happily on the wall outside the classroom.

Old New York – 18th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Feel the ghosts and hear the stories
Factories become a millionaire’s abode
A generation of magnificent glories
Along pitiful streets where immigrants strode

Indifference poisons with its toxic fumes
Yet the awe of history inspires
For all the city night consumes
Comes the morning a coffee and bagel requires

The rattle and hum of the train tracks
Hints at the golden age of old
Before beastie boys were graffiti rats
Running away from the winter’s cold

Before the mob, before the game
Hotel rooms rented for a buck
Wishing the old times back again
Now the towers ran out of luck

The lady lights us on the way
Whether it’s another coming or going
Now just a symbol of a better day
One that was worth knowing

inspired by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

I had to sleep early last night to catch up a little. This morning I did my warmup but no exercise. Because Amy was coming with me I knew I would need to leave a little earlier to get her to her mum’s before I go to school. Amy was not in a good mood but warmed up after a while and I was feeling pretty armed and ready for the day. It’s stinky hot already.

Today I’m grateful for:

A change of routine for me. Going out with Amy and her family for lunch.  It was a little different to the normal Thai food we might get and certainly different to what I usually just get for myself. Despite not being terribly spicy it had my tummy doing somersaults in the afternoon.

The best thing about today was:

My last class of the day, which caused me so much grief last week must have been feeling a little contrite as they all came and started doing work for me. I changed things up and put the class in the canteen where it doesn’t matter how much noise they make and I didn’t really teach as such but set them some writing, reading and dictionary look-up tasks. When it came to reading though I did have to coach some of them and it was good to feel that at least a couple of these kids were learning something, in particular Gam, who really showed her appreciation for the help I gave her. I think I will keep this format of lessons for this class for a little while. They will learn that the quicker they get down to work and finish then the quicker they can leave without causing any disruption to others or frustration to me. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy surprised me with a gift and as I unwrapped and unboxed it I had no idea what to expect. She had found someone in Bangkok that makes 3D portraits of cats and inside the box was a portrait of our lovely little Kim Chi. I appreciated the thought but at the moment I’m not ready for this. Amy burst into tears as soon as she saw it too and I wasn’t far behind. Like old photos of Steve being the lasting memories of him, I don’t want this portrait to replace my memories of Kim. Whilst the likeness is good, it’s not her. 

I know in time it will be ok. I can imagine this portrait being on display in the house somewhere and it will serve its purpose as a reminder. I asked Amy if we could keep it away until the anniversary of her passing and perhaps it will feel more comfortable then.

Slightly shell-shocked I walked outside to close the gate and then spent some time pulling up grass and weeds from around Kim’s memorial plant which is growing where she is buried. 

I love/d that cat so much. 

Something I learned today?

Amy and I went to the drive-thru vehicle tax stop and got new tax discs for our bike and car. For the car though I had to pay for whatever speeding and red light infringements I’d incurred during the year, of which I know there were at least two because I just threw them away when I eventually found them in the letterbox which I only check every six or eight months. At 1500 baht it wasn’t too bad really. Less than the cost of some parking tickets in Australia.

Slightly amusing was having to go round again to get the second disc, we couldn’t just do them both at the same time. 

Amy thinks this is because sometimes just one person from a village will rock up with everyone’s paperwork from the village to get done at once. I kinda like this stupid flexibility where what seems like a strict rule should be enforced, i.e. making the owner of the vehicle pick up and pay in person, can be replaced by a simple rule of only processing one payment per vehicle at a time, allowing for a comedic drive around a 100m square to queue again. The motorbike tax cost 101 baht. About 4 Aussie dollars!

What are some of my favourite things about this time of year?

Usually, it would be the cooler air but that is not happening this year due to the El Nino effect. It’s 30 degrees in the bedroom and the two fans are just stirring around treacle air. 

The cycle of the seasons still confuses me a little here. This time of year doesn’t hold the same kind of meaning as it did in the UK or Australia. I don’t have any romantic connections with any of the seasons here. Last year’s bike rides around September and October are perhaps the first deep connections I have made in connection with the seasons here. It was the end of a longer rainy season and the temperatures had become more reasonable, all the dust had gone and the mud was hardening on the dirt roads again, before they were turned back to dust.

But July? It’s rainy season. I don’t go out much. Summer – it’s too hot to go out much. Winter? Winter is nice.

What is in my control today?

Me. I think I managed to keep myself in control quite well today. From a grumpy Amy in the morning to classrooms full of excitable kids caring less about learning, to running around shopping, eating with family and running out of time and energy at home, I was able to stay calm and collected (at least until I saw the portrait of Kim – but I know that wound will heal in time.)

I took this picture at lunch because I wanted to try the dessert which was a green mango ice cream with deep-fried crispy shallots, fine chilli and tamarind. That’s a pretty wild mix and something I would never have thought I would experience when I was eating 99s as a kid.

Blesses These – 10th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Princesses, such sweet peas
No stresses, eager to please
Impresses, hungry honey bees
Caresses, eyes of hes and shes

These princesses turned a lot of heads of their fellow students as they dressed up. It’s one of the arguments for having school uniforms instead of letting the kids dress how they would like.

Today I’m feeling:

Good so far, probably because I went through my usual work morning routine. Drove to work, clocked in and came back already as I have no classes today. It’s 8.15 and I’m here sitting in Utopia. Can I keep up this positive feeling? I have a couple of tasks to complete, cleaning and visa application forms, which I put off over the weekend. I know I’m going to have to force myself to do them. Do it you lazy prick!

(Later): I did it.

Today I’m grateful for:

The little pieces of gym equipment I have. I use some stretching bands with handles to do a little leg, neck and shoulder routine some days and I recently bought some rings which I can hang from and which I hope that one day I may even be able to do a pull-up. Just one. That would be enough for me.

The best thing about today was:

Trying to learn to play Bolero on guitar. I can play each part correctly after a few attempts but can’t nail it all the way through yet. I like it to play though – it has a good feel to it. In the app I use it is a level 7 song, a little above where I’m currently at. 
Yesterday I also managed to scrape through a level 11 rendition of the metal version of Asturias. That’s a fun song to play but level 11 is way out of my league. I can’t hit the strings that fast.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It is slightly annoying that I still have to go to school and sign in even if I have no class but at the same time, I’m glad I did because going through that morning routine has kept my energy boosted throughout the day.
I really should organise myself to have things to do on the weekend otherwise my lethargy takes over.
Amy is back on Friday for about three weeks and I’m sure she will keep me busy somehow or other!

Something I learned today?

It’s a new year of freshers at the university and the first day sees clean bright white shirts and pressed skirts. Weirdly I didn’t notice many boys as I was walking around the market. Do they start on different days to the girls?

How does the weather impact my mood and daily activities?

Everything impacts my mood. I noticed today that I felt disappointed that the kids weren’t very chatty and playful. I wonder if I depend on them too much to spur on my own happiness. It was only a brief thought but even those small thoughts impact my mood.
As I was driving back I could see the soft wispy clouds on the peaks and in the valleys of the mountains. It was beautiful and inspiring despite the general grey of the skies. It reminded me a little of the Lake District. It’s weird to feel down in Thailand when the skies are grey. I think it’s a trigger to my memories of England. Even when it is grey here the temperature is still high. It’s almost the opposite here in that the heat and humidity are so over the top and oppressive. That becomes annoying when you feel as if there is no escape.

I took this picture because big dumb Tangmo comes for rubs but smells so bad I rub him with my feet.

Space Measurer – 7th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Born, as a city born
No random fluke
A memory made it all
Made an engine to get here
To travel through time
No spontaneous abundance
No existence without this

How does the arrow know
In which direction its time does flow?

Endless, insufficient, endless
Easy to discard, to waste
Measured up, down and sideways
Space inside a space

Today I’m feeling:

A little strange. But only because I won’t go to school until the afternoon. I’m envious of people who can wake up and do leisure activities before going to work. I’m a wake-up and work person. I like to get the difficult stuff done first and then fully relax. Right now I’m wound up and ready to go with nothing in particular to do. I’ll happily fill my time but in the back of my mind is that anticipation.

Today I’m grateful for:

A little conversation I had with my student Tonaor after school. She and another student missed my class cos she was off doing something so when I saw her I asked what they were doing. She said it was some training about dealing with depression. I was quite surprised to know that this was on the agenda at school and would like to find out more.
I also asked Tonaor if she thought she was depressed (which is something I wouldn’t have said was obvious with her) and she said sometimes and that the only time she is happy is when she is with her boyfriend. She understands that this feeling could lead to issues later in life and I’m glad she is a little self-aware though at 13 also understands she doesn’t have the skills yet. 
I like conversations like this (though it was mostly through translation), getting beyond superficial and playful talk. Some students feel very comfortable doing that with me which I take as a great compliment.

The best thing about today was:

A three-hour sleep-in with dreams about being on a bus or train. Perhaps a reminder that life is about the journey rather than the destination as I woke up before getting to the end. I was surrounded by people I knew but now can’t figure out who they were. It may have just been representations of people I was at school with or something like that.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy called whilst I was watching the football (see below) as she was just about to catch a ferry home and I would be accompanying her for the duration. Well, that’s fine, I can pause the game and carry on later. About 15 minutes in she realises she is on the wrong ferry, so to make use of the time I went out to the garden and picked some weeds whilst we were talking.
Eventually, she got back to dry land and had to dash off to the bathroom so she said she’d call back. I decided to stay out in the garden though. As the storm that was threatening got blown away, I started watering. Later Amy called back and I did accompany her home and about an hour and a half after starting our call I was able to get back to the football.
Despite leading for most of the game we lost in the last ten minutes and my superstitious mind tells me they lost because Amy interrupted my viewing of it! Of course, I know that’s ridiculous but is something that often crosses my mind. If this didn’t happen then that wouldn’t have happened. From there it goes in ever-decreasing circles. Now I’ve had this thought that also affects the outcome, and then that thought has done the same and on and on. Imagine if we could harness mind power purely for knowledge advancement rather than for ridiculousness.

Something I learned today?

The Swans game was last night and I didn’t even know. I can watch it on replay this evening – woohoo!

(not so much woohoo after watching it!)

What experiences have shaped me as a person?

Er…. all of them? My experience today, this evening, the last five minutes, are all accumulating second by second. Each shaped by the one before into a big mess that forms habits and thoughts that can be identified and hopefully reshaped over time.
I watched an interesting podcast yesterday where comedian Antony Jeselnik said that he was glad he didn’t have his life worked out when he was 17. Everyone he knew who did, ended up in a boring humdrum existence. He said if you’re happy and have everything figured out in your fifties then you can be certain you’ve lived a good life. I kinda feel like that’s me though I’m still uncertain if I have anything figured out. 
So when I see how my students are at school, having fun, playing and generally behaving like children, which is exactly what they are, I guess they will figure things out in their own time too. Who’s to say one form of education is better than another when it comes to the specific realities for these kid’s lives? Being top of the class doesn’t necessarily bring happiness.

I took these pictures because Amy messaged me if I was at school and I sent her these. Is this a school? Every day is playtime for them. They did the work I asked of them though what I ask of them each week diminishes more and more! It’s 2.30 Friday afternoon and the roof fans are just stirring up the hot air that saunters in from outside. It’s relentless and difficult to avoid, sapping energy quicker than a 5-cent battery. I’m fascinated to know where my students might end up in the future.

With Open Arms – 6th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The immigrant children complain of immigration
They think they own the land
Never taught their history, or easily forgotten
They offer no helping hand

The suburbs are full of lawnmowers and cars
This happy life must not be disturbed
New arrivals collect glasses in the downtown bars
Where lines of demarcation become blurred

A drink to our new friends here to find a way
To live a long-forgotten dream once told
To all who struggled in an effort to stay
To seek the world their movies sold

20th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – downtown

Today I’m feeling:

I had to talk myself into exercising this morning but I pushed through with my mini ab workout. I’m glad I did because it got me awake and settled into a reasonable mood. I know I’m tired but also not craving rest. My left eye is aching still and whilst meditating this morning wondered if I’d had a stroke. I looked in the mirror and there were no obvious changes to my face. I should perhaps go to the local optometrist and get them to have a closer look inside.

Today I’m grateful for:

Our crazy school schedule that means I only have one class tomorrow afternoon at 2.30 so I’ve made the decision to sleep in and not sign in tomorrow and head to school around 1.30. Great!

The best thing about today was:

Watching some reluctant students stand up and speak in English and overcome some of their fears and hesitations. I made sure to commend them after class to lift their confidence further.

Before my last class of the day, I was playing volleyball and saw some of my students heading to class that included the three ‘bad’ boys, including the porn kid from yesterday. I roped them in to come and play and we bonded a little further. Enough so that we had a comfortable lesson without incident. I was happy with that result.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Things are humming along smoothly as of now.

Something I learned today?

Some folks in the West are railing against the Taliban because they have once again made opium production illegal and reduced it by 80% just as they did before the US invaded twenty years ago, when they made it legal again. Somehow drug production is okay in other countries but not in their own. The West is doomsaying all the negative outcomes that will arise from a country’s government implementing their own law. Hmmm… Hypocritical much?

How am I different than I was a year ago?

Differences year to year feel more slight than in my youth. If there’s anything that I can really feel it’s just a general improvement in well-being and contentment. My health has also improved though I can also feel my age as more time passes.

I took this picture because this simple little plant is growing in the parking space at the back of House and as I was walking by the sunlight was hitting at an angle that made the leaf shapes jump out at me.

Sexy Halloween Dress – 5th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The house is empty, the lights are off
Yesterday’s glitter stuck to my shoes
Spending time alone in a crowded home
Are reminders there’s no time to lose

Is this now and is this our future?
The illusions around me would shatter
All those other sexy Halloween dresses
Illuminated the things that really matter

Figured it out but was unable to act
Here I am figuring it out again
Trying to rescue ice cream on a sidewalk
Is it even necessary to explain?

inspired by musings on Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Surprisingly good. My classes have been okay and I haven’t been too serious with my lazy kids. I’m doing what I can to motivate them. If they don’t catch on at least I know I’ve tried.

Today I’m grateful for:

All the preparation work that I did during the holidays so that now I can walk into class and know that there is something ready to go, even if I can’t remember exactly how it goes, it will fall into place.   I think I will run out of lessons though and have to prepare a lot more during the next holiday when I already know I will have less spare time. But I can start getting my act together sooner too.

The best thing about today was:

It being a smooth and steady, enjoyable day. Lots of points in my short-term memory without anything standing out as the best. To add one thing though that I hope will be able to bring to mind in ten years’ time perhaps….

Yesterday one of the grade 7 boys was showing off some pornographic pictures on his phone. I just happened to catch a glimpse as he was doing it. I took his phone and put it in the teacher’s room and carried on teaching. He already felt regretful, particularly as I hadn’t talked to him about it or got angry about it. When I had assigned some work and the class settled into it I asked him to come with me to the teacher’s room. The only other teacher there was Ren who I think may also seem a little intimidating and he was overhearing me ask what the pictures were and why he was so interested in showing other students. He tried making excuses but he knew it wasn’t working and as he got more uncomfortable I used translation to tell him that now is not the time for playing but for studying. I also showed him that I knew how to mark down his behaviour in the school app and deduct points that his homeroom teacher and parents can see. He went back to class with his tail between his legs and messaged me later apologising and begging me not to tell his teacher. Today his behaviour was much improved though as a typical 12-year-old, he still struggles with self-control. I hope he stays onside because he is definitely capable if he chooses.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Today was the first time that I assigned work in Quizizz to the class whilst trying to teach it step by step. Despite telling the kids not to rush ahead some of the smarter ones still did and I’m not sure quite how to go ahead with these lessons. But I’ll give it a little more time because maybe a bright idea will come out of it.

One of the technological setbacks is students not being allowed access to the microphone to record themselves speaking. I know how to fix this most times but found it almost impossible to do when the phone’s language is set to Thai!

I’ll work my way through slowly fixing this I hope!

Something I learned today?

The notoriously bad weather department of Thailand forecast drought well into 2024. It’s definitely been hot again and drier than the last two years but I’m hopeful that up here in the mountains we will be ok.

What am I looking forward to tomorrow?

I got the good news today that one of my classes tomorrow and Friday will be off doing something which makes my days much easier. I’m looking forward to that!

I took this picture on the weekend because Bruno and I came across this bullpen as we were walking around the university botanical garden. The bulls were separated from the mum and calf, the photo of which I posted before.

Idea Of Heaven – 4th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We still have to teach the Gods to be human
They should bend to our will, not us to theirs
First, we have to understand ourselves
And an idea of heaven that everyone shares

Today I’m feeling:

I didn’t sleep well but felt ok at my alarm. Two hours into the day though and I’m feeling a little low and flat. My eyes are sore again and the cloudy grey skies feel depressing.

Last night Paen (Baitoey) contacted me again feeling depressed and suicidal. I don’t know how much more I can give her. I know she doesn’t have the skills but it seems like she doesn’t want to do the hard work and is always looking for the easy way out. She needs some guidance to turn her thinking around and I’m not the best person for that.

Her struggles weigh me down too.

Today I’m grateful for:

Payment coming through today as I was just about to run out of money. It meant I could pay the gardener who came today and can also order some more cat food now too. I still have money put aside for the aircon fix and hopefully enough spare for the plumbing fixes. Not sure if there will be enough for the guttering though.

The best thing about today was:

Many interesting conversations with my students outside of class.  They usually remind me about things I went through when I was their age.

Also, Champ was back from Australia for a quick visit and he was telling me that he had to do some part-time work to be able to afford to stay there whilst studying. He’s working at a school teaching grade 5 kids. He was comparing the difference between the education systems in Oz and in Thailand and that he now has a clearer understanding of us farang teachers when we work here and get frustrated at the way things work. I’ve adapted myself now but it does feel like a little vindication.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I got home I could see that the gardeners had been. I’m thankful to them for tidying up our home but also can’t help noticing what a bad job they are doing. After asking them to clear the weeds properly along the driveway last time, this time they made no attempt at all. Worse still was that they cut the avocado tree that Bruno gave me last year, cut at the trunk! It was just starting to grow well and looked like it would develop into a nice-looking young tree. Fucking careless.

Something I learned today?

The great Chinese spy balloon incident is over. The US admitted that they found no evidence of anything beyond the weather instrumentation that the Chinese told them it was. The US is in the hands of adults acting like 5-year-olds.

How did I practice kindness?

Today I sat down with Paen and listened to her grievances about her life and what help she would like me to give her. She actually didn’t say much, I did most of the talking. I challenged her a lot because I can see that she is just running away from the real issue which is her own self-esteem, insecurities and problems at home. I can see that the things she wants me to help her with are not long-term solutions. 

I have shown her a lot of kindness and tried to help her many times. I can’t fix what happens in her head but I will support her as best I can.

I also ran into Preawa during the day and she was having some kind of problem with her boyfriend who was following her around forlornly. I messaged her this evening to see if she was ok and she said she was and appreciated my concern.

I think one of the reasons that the kids like me is that the can feel my empathy towards them even as I might be berating them for being lazy. I may not be the best teacher in the world but I think I’m a pretty good human.

What do I want to focus on today?

It looks like I will have to focus some time on helping Paen to see if she can change programs back to English. I see this as a band-aid solution for her because the problems are coming from within herself. I’ll try and find her the school counsellor and also find out why she stopped taking her meds. She seemed to be doing well in the first couple of weeks of the new semester.

I took this picture at the weekend because I’m loving seeing the freshly planted rice paddies. Is this a Thai spring?

Aspirations – 2nd July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We invented the Joneses
Something to aspire
Keep on the treadmill
Tweaking on desire

Bold, beautiful and rich
A mansion in the hills
Chasing after a life
Defined by constant thrills

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday I felt like I was on a bit of a high but today feels the opposite. I can’t quite figure out why. I slept well enough but perhaps not long enough as I ended up back in a deep sleep from 11:30 until 2 pm. Since then I’ve not been enthused about anything and passed an hour or so pulling up weeds.

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey’s coffee. Now she is capable of making a perfect cappuccino for me. I like to think that I contributed to her improvement by always allowing her to make my coffee so that she can get more practice, though in reality there is obviously more to it than that.

The best thing about today was:

It’s almost 6pm and there is nothing of any real highlight except for Noey showing off her belly button with the clothes she was wearing. Or the satisfaction of a square metre of the garden weed free for a week or two. It’s not been a bad day either. Just not much of anything.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been getting an aching pain in my eyes. Also a vague toothache around my jaw. Maybe I’ve got some sinus problem or perhaps even just a bad tooth that is causing pain elsewhere in my face. It could also just be looking at too many screens. I should probably go get my eyes tested at some point again. I don’t feel like my vision has gotten worse but a new pair of glasses might help. 

When I look at my glasses I always see a speck on the left lens from when they dropped on the floor in Kimi’s bathroom not long after I first got them. 

Something I learned today?

Watching Little Chinese Everywhere as she(Yan?) travels to Tibet and the second-highest hotel in the world. The highest being in Peru. The scenery in Tibet is quite amazing.

What is a fear that I would like to overcome?

I suppose I still have plenty of fears but not sure I feel the need to overcome them. For example, my fear of spiders is not particularly life-threatening or would be life-changing if I overcame it.

I was chatting with Ellen yesterday and she had just been tandem skydiving in Sichuan province. I’ve thought about doing that before but feel afraid. The fear is not of the height or hitting the ground, the fear is about losing control, fearing fainting or heart attack or something like that.

Still though, it’s not like a fear of skydiving is holding back my dreams in any way.

I took this picture yesterday because I’ve never been on this side of the dam at the university before. The whole university grounds environment is exceptional but doesn’t seem to get much use. It’s too hot or wet most of the time and you need a motorbike to get around. The only thought I did have is that there are many places you could go for a romantic walk, talk or view. I don’t know how much of that happens here though.