Every time I ever cried for fear was just a mistake that I made – 25th November 2019

What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of not having time to do all the things I would like to do – reading, writing, playing, travelling, talking, learning, growing. I should fill my time with these things as much as I can.

I’m afraid of letting people down. I don’t do it very often because I have learned how to not do it.

I’m afraid I’ll never talk to TLJ again and discuss just what happened between us when I was a stupid arrogant man and she was a naive young girl. I still dream about reconciling with her sometimes, imagining that we are still the same age but I have the wisdom gained over time to do the right thing. That was a time I let someone down badly.

I’m afraid of not being a good enough teacher. I don’t feel this often but sometimes others have made comments to give me doubts. I know I’m a good enough teacher (and of course, can always get better) so I don’t need to pay too much attention to what others might say.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that Amy takes care of my lunch and dinner even when she’s not staying at our house. Today she brought me my lunch at school. I’m so happy to have her in my life.

We got that attitude! – 24th November 2019

I have approximately 10,000 days more to live. What are two or three principles you want to live by over these days?

3 principles I would like to live by for the rest of my days? What principles do I live by now?

One principle I have always tried to maintain is to try and be open-minded and understanding of other points of view. At the same time, I would like to be confident enough in my ability to be able to clearly express any point of view I may have.

I have often been contentious before, sometimes just to play devil’s advocate. I should be more understanding of other people’s beliefs and ideas, maybe learning where they come from, rather than rejecting them.

I find I have a fascination with Islam due to not understanding it enough or having the familiarity with it. An exotic religion if you like. Having grown up in a Christian country I can see how dull and rigid its dogma is. I have no doubt about Islam’s dogma but still find it fascinating.

So, #1 – the principle of an open mind.

#2 – Related to #1 is to never stop learning and growing. Doing the opposite leads to a closed mind. Thankfully I’ve grown to enjoy learning more about how the world works as it helps me learn about myself.

#3 – This one is a tough one. To not take offence and get and get angry when someone makes a personal attack on me of my work. Let it do. Don’t let it bother you. This means they have won.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful today for the clouds! Taking the edge off the insane heat. I’ve been standing in the sun a lot this past week as the kids had sports every afternoon. It was such a lot of fun to play with them that I accepted getting burned as part of the deal. Maybe time to invest in skin whitening cream!

No, I’m not too late, it’s just these stupid kids – 22nd November 2019

Sitting in my class annoyed at the boys who have almost all forgotten to do or give me the work they were supposed to do. Reading an interview about stoicism I’m reminded about things I can and can’t control.

How to motivate this class of lazy kids to remember that they have many things to do, and to manage my own emotional reaction when they don’t do it? Hmmm.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to experience things in this world that I never expected. I’m not a great fan of some of these animals but it’s very interesting compared to the simple critters I grew up with in England. Amazing to think about where I am in the world now. 15 or 25-year-old me would never have imagined this.

You outcun the most cunning – 21st November 2019

Last night I was sitting at home, alone in my house (Amy was at her parents) and I had a sudden feeling of blissful contentment. I felt that I could do anything in that moment.

Of course, many of the things that I want to do take a long time and it was too close to bedtime so I ended up going to bed and doing the usual reading. But the feeling was great. It really struck despite its brevity.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to myself because I have slowly learned how to improve myself, to feel contented most of the time and to enjoy the little things in life. I’m grateful I have continued to grow and learn. I have had to change the way I think and behave over the years so that I have been able to find some peace. I can’t imagine being alive if I hadn’t made those changes.

You do it once and you don’t like it and you do it twice and then you’re insulted – 20th November 2019

4th June 2022 – I was making these notes as I was studying in my classroom, as classes were going on and 10-year-olds were jumping around, screaming and playing. It looks like I was doing some free online course from Donald Robertson’s website and Laurie Santos’ course at Coursera. Writing this out again now is a good reminder. Things I know but forget to practice or implement. How to bring these reminders into my thinking more often? I must find a way.

ataraxia – a state of serenity that comes with always acting properly in the world
pathé – negative, disruptive emotions
eupatheiai – positive, constructive emotions

pathé
Negative emotions/bad judgements
Good/present – pleasure (hēdonē)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good but isn’t
Good/future – appetite (epithumia)
– an impulse toward something in the future that is considered good but isn’t
Bad/present – distress (lupé)
– an impulse away from something present now that is considered bad but isn’t
Bad/future – fear (phobos)
– an impulse away from something in the future that is considered bad but isn’t

4th June 2022 – curious about the origins of the word pathé and its connection to Pathé News, which is where I first knew the word, I see that the Greek is actually pathē. It looks like the origin of the news name is from the surname of Charles Pathé so I wonder where his name came from and if it got bastardised over time for this minor change.

eupatheiai
Positive emotions
Good/present – joy (khara)
– an impulse toward something present now that is considered good and is, in fact, good
Good/future – reasonable wishing (boulēsis)
– an impulse toward some future thing regarded as good which is, in fact, good
Bad/present – n/a
Bad/future – caution(eulabeia)
– an impulse away from some future thing regarded as bad which is, in fact, bad

joy is opposite pleasure
reasonable wishing opposite appetite
caution opposite fear

within our power:
opinion
motivation
desire
aversion


not within our power:
our body
our property
our reputation
our workplace

impressions (phantasiai)
– judgements from previous experiences or subconscious thinking (cats are nice or cats are selfish)

assent(sunkatathesis)
– confirmation of the initial impression (cats are indeed selfish)

impulse (orgē)
– a movement of the will toward action that we feel because of having assented to a given impression
all emotions are impulses

4th June 2022 – it’s a kind of historical reassurance to see roots of English words such as fantasy and orgy and that their meanings have perservered. The meanings have persevered but us humans are still struggling to put these things into action.

impressions > assent > impulse
– impression is involuntary
– assent is the result of reflection
– impulse is voluntary

Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover the contrary power of self-restraint.
Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance.
If you are insulted, you discover patience.
In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate. (Enchiridion 10)

incorrect analysis:
impression – someone is insulting me
assent – it is awful to be insulted
impulse – I experience distress (lupē)

Don’t be angry. it’s pointless.

correct analysis:
impression – someone is opening their mouth and moving air
deny assent – movement of air cannot hurt me
impulse – none, just walk away

If you didn’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice, what did you learn them for? (Discourses 1, 29.35)

Social connection
People with close social ties
– less vulnerable to early death
– more likely to survive fatal illness
– less likely to fall prey to stressful events
– appear to be happier

Trying to connect with strangers will make you happier and we mispredict this fact.
Shared experiences make us happier
– eye contact
– smiling
simple ways to practice

Time affluence vs $$
using time for something fulfilling is more important than spending that time to make $$
Wanting better stuff that we don’t want yet
– are there things that we should be wanting that we don’t realise?
– seek out opportunities for doing kind things
– random
– do extra/more

Mind wandering
The objective conditions of our lives have improved dramatically yet we haven’t gotten any happier.
Mind wandering appears to decrease happiness.
Practice moment-to-moment experiences.
As we’ve said for the last 30 years ‘Live in the now!’
Meditation should assist. Be more aware. Practice more.

Flow
You are in such an ecstatic state to such a point that you feel as though you almost don’t exist.
You have to enjoy what you are doing. You won’t be very good at it if you don’t.
You also have to feel you are contributing something worthwhile.
High skill + high challenge
Control Arousal
Flow

Mind control
Why do our minds wander?
Our default network is fast – it thinks outside the here and now
Meditation – turn your attention away from distracting thoughts and focus on a single point

Event + response = experience
“The last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance” – Victor Krankl
How?
– Realise you have the power
– Practice the responses
Mindfulness:
Attention – present moment
Attitude – acceptance

Meditate
1. Notice your breath
2. Mind wanders
– memories
– planning
– judging
3. Notice and accept
4. Go to 1

Attend to and accept any sensation you experience in response to the event, without making any judgement of the goodness/badness of the event.
Ask yourself – can I be ok with this feeling?

Stratagies for creating better habits
Put yourself in situations that benefit those habits (situation support)
– fix bad environments
– promote healthy environments and connect with people doing the same things
Set goals
– be specific – how to achieve your goal (who what why when where)
– good visualisation – especially the obstacles
– mental contrast against the acheivement
– if-then plan can lead to better goal attainment, implementation, intention

WOOP
Wish – think about your wish (goal)
Outcome – the best outcome
Obstacles – things that may stop you
Plan – if-then plan

Wish – to better control my emotions
Outcome – to be able to better deal with stressful and difficult situations without reacting to my initial emotions
Obstacles – I still want to be right. I still want to be better than everyone else. My ego gets in the way.
Plan – If I start to feel out of control then recognise this and pause, try to pause the conversation and make a decision later.

4th June 2022 – I think I have gotten better at this but not really sure if it is through practice. I feel like my attitude has developed, a little into a ‘ah, whatever’ apathy. I suppose each time I haven’t reacted I’ve been learning and then those situations just don’t arise in the first place. Am I trying to deny myself credit here? Ah, whatever!

Resistance never sleeps. It never slackens. It never goes away. The dragon must be slain anew every morning.

Steven Pressfield

virtue – bahviour showing high moral standard
moral – principles of right and wrong behaviour, the code of behaviour that is considered right and acceptable in a particular society
ethics – moral principles that govern a person’s behaviour
principles – a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief
truth/true – in accordance with fact or reality
wisdom – the quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgement
values – one’s judgment of what is important in life

It is the privilege of the gods to want nothing and of godlike men to want little.

Diogenes

The forging of human love and human work is the labour of life.

Charles Tart (?)

Death is neither a good nor an evil; it delivers no category of fortune.

Seneca

What are the pros and cons of holding these beliefs?

  1. Dying doesn’t frighten me much
  2. It’s more important to have lived a good life than a long life
  3. Life and death are not intrinsically good or bad; it depends how we use them

Death
Perhaps you think it superfluous to learn something that can only be implemented once – this is the very reason we have to practice.
Picture your own death several times a day. Think of it in slightly different ways, at different times.
Going to bed be grateful for our lives so far.
Plan your day as if it were last chance to really live.
Contemplate the transience of all living things.

Death comes knocking at the poor man’s shack and the king’s palace alike.

Horace

Contemplate a good death.
Read Trial and Death of Socrates, Plato’s Apology or Crito or any short story about a Stoic death
1. Imagine you are in their shoes
2. What would you do? How would you feel?
3. Compare your actions to theirs.
What lessons can you draw from this exercise?

Tell yourself that death is inevitable and necessary.
Contemplate objectively, consider your death from a scientific perspective, a natural event.
Imagine what is under your control and exercise wisdom and virtue in the face of death.
How would a Stoic respond to the death I imagine facing?
Imagine your own funeral.

Golden pins are stuck into people out of boredom. The golden pins will be welcomed.

Dostoevsky

4th June 2022 – These exercises about death I haven’t gotten around to though my impending decline is often thought about in various abstract ways. I don’t feel like my life is over but that I have probably lived the best parts of it already. That’s not a sad or bad thing. The remaining years are more content and happy. I don’t feel the need to fight for things as I used to.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Sharon who took care of my mum so well before she passed away. Sharon did everything she could for her and went to great lengths to make sure my mum was as happy as she could be. I miss my mum a lot.

We got that attitude! – 19th November 2019

Imagine your 10-year ‘future self’ has just been asked the previous task. He comes back and talks to you. What’d do you think he’d say?

I couldn’t quite answer this question until I asked these two questions of George and for this one he replied “Keep up the good work.” He asked me why I was struggling to answer and suggested the first thing that came into my head.

And that was to stay strong in my convictions because they often turn out for the best. Stay positive even through the tough times. Keep that confidence that I mostly feel because it has proved to work well for me. Remember also to live day by day as if it may be your last. Make it count. Try your best in everything you do. Give your sincere smile to everyone. Appreciate the time you have and make the best use of it. I’d like to think I can say the same thing as George – to keep up the good work.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I was able to sleep early yesterday and that Amy takes care of cooking, cleaning and washing up for me. I was starting to feel a little under the weather after a day of shouting in class and after coming home and dealing with a gecko I also had time to read a couple of chapters of my book. This made me quite sleepy though and I didn’t last much longer after dinner. I am grateful that I feel better this morning so far!

Catch my eye a new slogan – 18th November 2019

I had a nice though busy weekend and managed to cross a few things off my to-do list.

Time does seem to go too fast though and I often try to recall that feeling of being bored and struggling to think of things to do – but then using my creative mind to start something. I still have some remnants of this and now never struggle to find new ideas and activities to pursue.

We have so many more options now – not just for entertainment and relaxation but for everything. Everything is at your fingertips – when life has no struggle it can be difficult to give it meaning.

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful to have the chance to travel around South East Asia whilst helping other people with their music. If all goes to plan I’ll be able to again in April and finally make it to Kota Kinabalu and Yogyakarta. I’m really excited and looking forward to new adventures.

14th Apr 2021 – Covid 19 pandemic spoiled these plans.

He’s the rebel on the underground – 17th November 2019

If you could travel back 5 years what would you tell yourself? What lessons have you learned that you would like to pass on?

I think about 5 years ago I had just embarked on working at Woolworths after helping May with Doodee in Sydney. Working at Woolworths was a weird change of pace for me that ultimately didn’t work out for me. I put my heart and soul into new work and I do that for myself. That internal reward drives me but I guess, looking back now I would have to tell myself that that reward is good and should be enough.

I also needed the positive reinforcement from other people such as the manager who behaved in a very undermining manner towards my work. I needed to be able to accept that rather than go through all the difficult times I did. I tried to make the best of a difficult situation in the end until a better opportunity arose. I think I could have jumped ship a lot quicker if I had been that confident in my abilities.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to sit this morning as the sun rose and pick off the grass seeds from my trousers. The countryside was quiet except for birds and critters making their morning noises. The sun was warm against the cool air and the somewhat arduous task became easy.

*Yes, no, you can’t, but you can if you know why – 15th November 2019

12 Questions

Who do you spend your time with?
Is this in my control?
What does your ideal day look like?
To be or to do?
If I am not for me, who is? If I am only for me, who am I?
What am I missing by choosing to worry or be afraid?
Am I doing my job?
What is the most important thing?
Who is this for?
Does this actually matter?
Will this be alive time or dead time?
Is this who I want to be?

21st Aug 2021 – As yet, still unanswered, although probably considered and written about since. I’ll get back to this.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to meet George and Bee yesterday even though I will meet them again tonight. They are interesting and offer stimulating conversation. I can smile a lot around them.

We got that attitude! – 14th November 2019

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful today for meeting all the kids at the school gate this morning. The happy ones, the tired ones, the shy ones. They all make me smile. I was grateful for the opportunity to talk with Said this morning too as we haven’t had a chance to talk much yet. I was also happy and grateful to stand in front of the school assembly and make the kids laugh and have fun. I was happy and grateful to see a small smile on Puifai’s face when I helped her with some difficult work. It’s very gratifying to see the kids thinking hard and then suddenly getting it!