When the bottle was empty of pills There’s no time left to grow Amongst so many ills It’s the bitterest one to swallow
When the son takes the rope Believing there’s no place to go Those left now to cope Traverse the river of sorrow
When attention wasn’t sought And she suddenly became the show Life is no longer a thought Slipped into the undertow
So pass the many hours That survivors will never know And drift away the flowers Along the river of sorrow
Today I’m feeling:
Fuzzy and weird. After a delicious afternoon nap yesterday I got into reading comics so much in the evening that I was up just past midnight. I shoved down some medicine in the hope of waking up flu-free and slept reasonably well until 11. I do feel better but fuzzy around the edges, eyes unable to focus 100%.
Today I’m grateful for:
Matt for buying me a drink and giving me half a pack of tramadol after running across to Central.
The best thing about today was:
Seeing live music in Chiang Rai. Punk, hardcore, metal! Who’d’ve thought?
Something I learned today?
A Wall Street Journal report says Iran is having trouble reining in “Iran-backed militias” and offers one reason why: The US killed the guy who was good at reining them in!
I took this picture because this was the venue for the show before dark. The sound inside wasn’t fantastic due to the stage being shoved in the corner which is circular. This made for some wild and interesting sound distortions from the guitars though.
A little sick with a sore throat and lack of energy. I skipped my alarm and exercise for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I’m hoping not to have to do too much at school today. I could do with an afternoon nap and I’m saying that now before it’s even 8 am.
(10 am) And there we are, the tipping point. Lazily wandering from place to place and eventually being told there’s nothing for us to do today. So here I am back at House for coffee number two.
Today I’m grateful for:
Lots of free time in which I could read, write and learn whilst sipping coffee and then later spending a couple of hours reading comics in bed, where I did indeed, enjoy an awesome afternoon nap.
The best thing about today was:
Hanging out with Michael and David for a little while this morning and then lazily walking from school to where some of the kids were doing the zip-line and we watched for a few minutes, ducked away and walked back again. The temperature was ok for the most part and once off the highway, the walk was quite pleasant.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The typical dysfunction of Scout week activities at school used to bug me but now I listened to how they bugged David instead and accepted the advantages that we can get from it.
Something I learned today?
Andrew Huberman is into Rancid.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 13. Be Nice. I don’t mean you should be a pushover. You can be someone that doesn’t take shit and be nice about it. Just don’t insult people, think you’re better than them, or act like an idiot.
I’m a lot nicer than I used to be. I don’t insult people or think that I am better than others anymore but I probably am still prone to acting like an idiot every now and then. One would hope that we are all a lot nicer than we used to be but then you meet some people…..
I took this picture because these flowers have decided to grow, against the odds.
Like I haven’t slept enough. I could easily curl up and snooze for a bit but hopefully, this coffee will kick-start the morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Having things to read while sitting around doing nothing at school this afternoon whilst the Thai teachers were keeping the kids occupied. After an hour and a half though I snuck out and didn’t bother signing out either. Hopefully, that doesn’t come back to bite me but Scout week is one of those frustrating wastes of time for us foreign teachers.
The best thing about today was:
Amy’s dinner of fried rice with fish sausage, crunchy cabbage, carrot and topped off with a perfectly fried egg. Since I started just eating breakfast and skipping lunch I’ve been able to easily adapt to eating rice almost every day at dinner time.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite having to show groups of 8-10-year-olds over and over again how to tie knots this morning and itching to get out for more coffee it wasn’t actually too bad. David and I had fun with the kids, some of whom were hilarious.
It was interesting to notice how much better their English is than the kids we actually teach who are up to 5 years older. We finished up at around 11.30 and I was happy to get away by then.
Something I learned today?
From Stephen Fry’s SubStack he talked about how in a group of twenty people, for example, there will be a leader, a clown, a know-it-all, a shy one, a complainer, a rebel etc and then if you take all the leaders and put them into a group, all the rebels into a group and so on, within each group they will soon revert back to having a leader, a clown, a know-it-all etc
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
In the morning I met Waiz’s younger sister who always runs up to me for a fist bump. I had just been given a scout scarf and asked her to ‘do it’ for me because I wasn’t sure how. She then folded it up and put it on me as she had been taught to do. It didn’t look great but I kept wearing it because she had done it for me.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 12. Money Isn’t Important. It really isn’t. But you have to train yourself not to care about money. Don’t become too dependent on the stuff you own; otherwise, the stuff will own you.
Money is important when you want to do things. As I’ve aged I’m starting to want to do less.
As I write that I question myself whether that is true or not. Sure some things have dropped off but I still have stacks of music that I haven’t properly listened to yet. Years and years worth of books and comics that I wish to read.
So perhaps I should say that I refined some of the things that I want to do. I want to read more than travel but hell, I’d still like to travel. I guess I’m taking the easier path more often these days. But I also see doing less as more suitable to my age.
Damn, I’m conflicted with this because I’m always imploring people to do something, to do more! The dichotomy of life in Thailand is rubbing off on me!
I took this picture because our two boys often spend the afternoons dozing in the boxes on their cat castles, often swapping places depending on who gets there first.
Pretty good knowing that I have no classes this week though can expect a little boredom as I have to spend time hanging out with the primary kids doing Scout stuff.
The kids are fine but the waiting around with nothing to do is a bit annoying.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to sneak away for coffee and writing after a couple of hours with the scout boys.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out who the girl was in the picture that I took 4 years ago that I thought was Funfai but was a younger student called Sugus. I found her today when I was helping in the primary department and I showed her the picture and she gave a huge smile and said she remembered that time we took the picture together.
On top of that, about a year ago I saw a primary school student I recognised in the back lanes of our village and as I rode by on my motorbike I waved and she waved back. That was Sugus!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Last night I badly hurt my foot on the gate as I was closing it. I cleaned up the wound and it stung like crazy and I hoped that it would be ok in the morning. Unfortunately it wasn’t.
It’s ok to put pressure on the toes but not so much on the whole of my foot which is what I’m doing when standing or walking. It feels very tender and sore underneath the cut.
How am I handling it? Grin and bear it.
Something I learned today?
Teacher David is partially colourblind, or very good at pulling my leg.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I got two free bottles of water at the garage when I filled up the car this morning and so gave them to the gardener at school who tends the premises, making everything look nice, whilst spending lots of time out in the sun.
What am I thinking about right now?
The pain in my foot which is bruising up now. It’s very tender around the wound though it got easier to walk on throughout the day.
I took this picture because these tiny red berries stood out in the garden at House this morning.
Sore. My back and knees are complaining after stressing them yesterday whilst cleaning out the sink drain.
Today I’m grateful for:
The parking guys with their whistles at Makro. I don’t know why they are necessary or why they blow their whistles so much as it’s impossible to understand if it means anything. I almost ran the guy over because I had a clear reverse behind me and he was the only thing in the way!
The best thing about today was:
Spending a few hours in my room, catching up on reading, sorting music, downloading and listening and then practising guitar. I want to spend more time doing this but I still don’t really enjoy being in that room anymore.
Something I learned today?
The average age of a Ukrainian soldier right now is 43!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I followed up with Earn, asking her the same question as I did about six weeks ago – Tell me five things you like about yourself. Her answers are better than last time. Less focused on looks and more focused on feelings and emotions.
What is a happy memory from my childhood?
I’ve lots of snippets of memories that are not particularly happy or sad, just things that happened. Some may have felt ecstatic at the time such as playing football at school or tragic like the time I cracked my eyebrow open on the edge of a step but at this distance, they are just events. I consider my childhood to be memories until I was about halfway through middle school, pre-pubescent. After that, I consider myself a teenager until I was forty!
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 11. Lead the Way. When you find yourself in a situation where everyone looks at each other, it’s time for you to lead. You’re a leader when you decide to become one. There’s no initiation or a title. Just a decision.
Before going through teenage depression I thought that I could be a leader. After that though, I mostly wanted to keep my head down though I still had a selfish streak of arrogance which popped up from time to time.
Whilst doing DIY punk things in Sydney I never felt like a leader but did hope that I was an inspiration for others and I can think of two friends for sure who did take something from what I was doing and ran with it themselves.
Now, at school, in Thailand, I consider myself the same. Not as a leader but as an inspiration. I want to inspire my students to become the best of themselves. I don’t work for prizes and awards and I don’t want to be managing other adults. I don’t want to lead people in such a way as to tell them what to do. Rather than leading I just want to be doing something. Anything. Just do it.
I took this picture because this was one of the few super cute kittens that were jumping around, playing and sleeping on this spirit house at the Night Bazaar last night.
The orange sunrise Perfectly reflected on the blue sky sea Turning back inland It’s a destruction from the river to me
Still, I have my god That promises to set my children free The skies alight Where the others’ god wishes to be
The river run dry Across those borders, we must flee The honey glaze Shines so that’s all anyone may see *The honey glaze On a fine crust of tolerated misery*
My regular Saturday exhaustion though Amy didn’t give me the opportunity to wallow as she had me up and busy as soon as I got up. By the time I got to coffee at midday, I was dying for it.
Today I’m grateful for:
Time spent in the hammock reading about Britain’s colonisation of India. The sun is still a little low so that the remaining trees still give some shade though the ants, spiders and flies did get annoying.
The best thing about today was:
At the winter festival, Amy was shocked at the tiny crop tops at one of the stalls and said ‘Oh my god, who can wear a top like that?’ And as she said that she noticed a girl wearing a similar-sized top and finished off with ‘Oh, a girl like her.’ I looked and saw a small skinny girl looking cute in a tight crop top. And it was then that I noticed that she is one of the grade 11 students that I often talk to. And Amy was surprised to see me fist-bump the girl she was just talking about admiring.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy was cranky from the get-go this morning and I came close to losing my cool but took deep breaths and soldiered on through, knowing that at some point it would be over and things would be good again.
Something I learned today?
Word is that the local council want our road widened before the rainy season starts which is good news though it will be a little inconvenient for us for a while.
Though we’ve been waiting for this before Amy starts thinking about doing business on our land it has become apparent that since the end of COVID, most students have not returned to the habit of going out and staying out to eat drink and talk like they used to. Many businesses are selling up due to a lack of customers after 8pm.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Amy asked me to pick up some plumber’s tape to fix the joint under the sink. I was on my way to my first coffee but picked up the tape and took it straight home so that she can fix it quickly.
At times I was short in my replies to Amy as I was echoing her behaviour back to her but I shouldn’t do that.
I took this picture because here was another cat in the window above the eatery next to Utopia. That means at least five cats I’ve seen in this window and I know that there are also two dogs.
Positive and happy this morning. A little bit of that Friday feeling despite being a little tired due to a crazy pee dream that was trying to wake me up. I was so aware that in my dream I was even telling myself that this wasn’t just a pee dream but just that I was peeing in my dream. I was trying to convince myself to keep dreaming.
But eventually, it was too much as the bucket I was peeing into starting overflowing even after emptying it one time. I groggily got up to go to the bathroom hoping against hope that there were still many more hours to sleep but getting back to sleep was difficult because I kept thinking about the dream.
Predictably, it felt like as soon as I got back into a deep sleep my alarm went off.
Today I’m grateful for:
A few folks taking the time to comment on a couple of poems that I’ve written in connection to some prompts. I’m at the stage of looking for prompts in other new places for inspiration – though I’m rarely ever short of ideas to be honest. Just looking for a bit of variety and some more challenges. By taking part in the prompt challenges it is bringing new people to come and look at this blog, which I appreciate. I’m not particularly after clicks or likes.
The best thing about today was:
Four hours sitting, writing, thinking, drinking coffee.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Two students, Kwang and Pang, pushed me too far today. I wasn’t angry and not outwardly upset but they have both shown me a lot of attitude recently.
I like them both and I’ve tried to help them more than other students and I’m sad to feel disrespected by them after all the chances I’ve given them. We’re near the end of this semester now and I’ll tell them not to bother coming to my classes because I don’t want them disturbing everyone else.
I just told them to pack up their stuff and go. The class was much better after that.
Something I learned today?
Pigs can’t look up into the sky due to the anatomy of their neck muscles and spine.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Nomsen came to class this afternoon looking a bit frazzled and her friends told me that she’d been crying and she quickly covered her face as more tears came. Without making a fuss I left her to it with her friends.
I was asking students random questions about music and instruments and I came around to her when she had stopped crying but she was obviously thinking about something else. I was guessing it was about a boy. She soon asked to go to the bathroom with her friend and I didn’t question it like I might do at other times, thinking maybe she’ll feel better when she gets back.
They were gone for about 30 minutes I’m guessing, and when they got back they caught up with their work as quickly as they could. When Nomsen came to hand in her work she seemed better so I asked her what happened today.
She was quiet at first so I asked if it was about a boy and she shook her head and offered… ‘it’s my uncle…’ Oh no, I thought, maybe he’s in hospital or died, so I said ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ and gave her a hug.
On writing this I’m worried that she may have meant something else by her comment but I really hope not. I just messaged her to see if she was feeling better and she said she’s ok. I hope so.
I took this picture because two new pups were outside the gate this morning and were friendly. Tangmo came running over and lots of play fighting ensured and he got so happy he ran at full pace around the teaching room three times without stopping.
A little vague and blurry but positive. I feel like I could easily sleep if given the opportunity.
Despite being tired and hungry when I got home last night and then only a little to satisfy myself I found that I was still reading comics at 11.30 and then it took me a fair while to actually go to sleep.
The morning alarm was a bit of a shock and for a brief moment, I contemplated snoozing it but made it up instead.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finally being able to crack the last part of the song that I was struggling to complete on guitar.
The best thing about today was:
My small grade 10 class again today who were a pleasure to teach and just talk with in general as the topic was about relationships. My lesson was more focused on romantic relationships but many of the points cross over to any kind of relationship.
As the English level of most of the class is quite poor I depended on the two good speakers to help translate some points and I could see that they were all able to understand to one degree or another.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got a message today from Nancy about not signing out when leaving school, which I haven’t done for about 2 years now. She said ‘they’ would reduce my wages. If they reduce my wages anymore I’ll have to start paying them to work! She asked me to message Kru Tang, which I did and she asked me to sign out and I said that I would. She didn’t mention anything about reducing wages though. Let’s see what happens next month.
Something I learned today?
Last year the USA beat all previous records for sales of weapons to the rest of the world. When is the rest of the world going to wake up to the fact that the USA wants more war to make more money?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I was pleased to see a couple of my usually lazy students pushing themselves a little more today so I made sure to praise them with personal messages this evening.
I took these pictures, as I mentioned last week because Cap was sitting here but decided to get up as soon as I got down to take a picture of him, so I took this series as he walked towards me.
A little bit slow again but I was able to take it pretty easy with my classes today. I was still tired and hungry by the end of the work day though.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last bagel in the freezer that I ate for dinner. Thanks, Nut! It’s probably been in the freezer for more that six months already but, well, that’s what freezers are for, right!?
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that next week is Scout Week again. I initially cheered when David told me but then he reminded me that last year we ended up doing some silly useless tasks (that I decided to enjoy at the time).
Either way – it’s a whole week out of the classroom (again!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy called while I was at House saying that she would stay in the city as the new owners of the apartments that Mum sold were having a housewarming party. The plan was for me to pick her up after I finished work, we go home and then I bring her back to get the truck in the morning.
When I got there though Amy was still happily drinking and talking whilst I was tired and hungry and itching to get home. I stayed for a while but when Aun came back from work she offered to bring Amy home later and I quickly agreed that that was a good idea even though I would have to find my own food.
Of course, I could’ve just come straight home after work but I tried not to think about that.
Something I learned today?
Whilst watching Jerry Grey talking about the possibility of war between China and the USA he brought up a point that makes some sense, about who would fight for the USA in a conventional war.
This got me wondering about the fact that so many Americans are in debt and many are also homeless. Is this being done on purpose so that when a serious war might arise the military will be able to easily incentivise joining up as a way for citizens to get back into the black?
Could they be that cynical or is it my own cynical streak coming through?
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
With writing up old things into this blog I’ve been talking online a little more often with Rich Levine and will also drop an email to Rob again at some point. He still doesn’t use much of this new-fangled technological stuff and only has email.
I did wait fairly patiently for Amy this afternoon. Was it a vile deed to leave when it became convenient? Perhaps, but hunger and tiredness can do that to a man.
My student Nudee stayed back in class after everyone had left and I saw that she was doing some of her own self study with a Kumon workbook. It looked like a very useful study aid for her and she said she has been using them for about three years to improve herself. Later she sent me a message that she had received a certificate from them for being in the top 5% of around 3000 students in Thailand. She was ecstatic and I told her I was proud of her too.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 9. Take More Risks. Don’t be such a wimp.
I think this one would be more appropriate for me ten years ago than today. Though ten years ago I was still big into risks – such as moving to a non-English speaking country to live. These days I’m not so big on the risk taking.
As the body’s inevitable decline edges ever closer I’m not so keen on taking physical risks though I suppose I might get further beyond that at some point and just think ‘fuck it’ such as sky diving when I’m 90 or something.
I suppose I still take some risks with money as I’m still investing in releasing records that I’m not certain I can sell. Those are low-level financial risks balanced by spiritual rewards. I’m not going to sink all my money into trying to make a business out of it now.
Amy is still considering the risk of opening a restaurant in Australia which would easily see us use up all our money and probably go into debt. I’m not so keen on this idea though I will happily support her because I think she could do it well. Whatever happened financially though, the stress levels of pursuing that dream might be enough to make me very unhappy. My mindset would probably change though once this plan was executed.
I guess I’m just happy with my life where it is right now and thinking that I would miss this. Once getting into the maelstrom of something though my survival instincts would likely kick in.
I took these pictures on Sunday because this is where I drove to so that Amy’s mum and dad could leave gifts and give thanks because they had come here before to ask for good luck to sell the apartments and within a month they had sold. I don’t know the reason that they came here or even why these monuments are located here, directly opposite a T-junction.
Don’t tell the Yanks that they’re not free That’s when they start killing you and me What a different world we might be living in If we had chatted over a nice cup of tea!
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good. I’ve called in sick to work so that I can go to the hospital to get my medicine this morning so I’m enjoying some Utopian coffees first.
Today I’m grateful for:
A quick stroll through the local walking street market with Amy to get some dinner. I picked up some of my favourite salad that I always bought when Amy wasn’t here and I haven’t had it again in the three months since she’s back.
The best thing about today was:
Getting in to see the doctor without an appointment and whilst waiting I needed to go to the bathroom and by the time I got back it was my turn to see him.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
At one point I was watching something on TV and Amy decided to start calling people on her phone. It was impossible for me to hear whilst she was chatting away. Never mind – guitar time! I headed off to my room to play.
Something I learned today?
My old student August (she who used to love dancing) told me of her interest in playing guitar last year. Today she sent me a video of her and a couple of guitar classmates performing (singing too!) outside Central Plaza. I was quite surprised and also jealous!
I wish I was young and unafraid like her. Learning something is easier when you are young and getting up in front of people isn’t so nerve-racking unless you are really shy.
Of course, I did that too when I was young. I guess I just want to be young!
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 8. Don’t Care About What People Think. We all die in the end, do you really think it matters what people think of you?
Kinda connected to what I wrote above, in many ways I’ve never cared what people thought of me unless I knew I was doing something wrong. When I reached about 16 or 17, something changed in that I lost a lot of self-confidence, though still sometimes ran on bravado, which never served me well. And from there it was an ever-decreasing circle. Somewhere along the way and slowly but surely I got some confidence back, especially when I started doing music-related things in Australia.
I’m reminded of one occasion when I was at the front of the crowd at Frequency Lab videoing Limited Express (has gone?)’s set. As there was no space between the audience and the band and only a one-step stage it meant being in the way of things a little.
Later, Dave Harris asked me about being there and I said ‘I didn’t care’ to which he was rather taken aback but I clarified that I meant that I didn’t care if I got pushed and shoved out of the way by the raging mosh pit around us all. Of course, most people will take care not to smash into people filming or taking photos and I would too, to a certain extent but ultimately if I had missed some shots or worse still, something got smashed then I would have had only myself to blame.
If people are not happy about something then they can say something.
This reminds me of another occasion when I was at the Big Day Out one time and a girl in a bikini top was on the shoulders of her boyfriend. This annoyed a few boys who were standing behind them but instead of moving somewhere else, where there was still plenty of room they thought it would be a good idea to pull on the strings of the bikini top to try and undo and embarrass the girl. On their second attempt, I stepped in and told them to move if they weren’t happy and they soon got the message.
Anyway, back to not caring what people think. Most of us will reach an age where this will just naturally happen and we’ll no longer much care. We get settled in our ways and remain the way we are. Some of us (myself included) will remain firm and polite in most situations whilst others will be curmudgeonly and unbending. I guess that depends on one’s character.
If I’m completely honest, there will still be some occasions when I will care what certain people think about me.
I took this picture because if you squint at these leaves they look like they have tiny lights at their centres.
1994ever 