Tag: gratitude journal

New Coffee – 31st January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Close my eyes and count to three
Sit up as straight as I can be
Breathe in deep, expand my chest
Slow it down to do it best
Racing thoughts, I let them go
Race on down that river so
Five minutes later and I’m done
So now the day has just begun
I can face everything I’m thrown
I can count each day I’ve grown
Even more wicked witches come
I can carry on until I’m done

Successful people do things that they don’t like to do because they can accomplish the things that they want to accomplish.

paraphrase Albert Gray

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have made a good plan to get everything ready for my first work day without Amy.

Did a double exercise this morning so ended up rushing a little but managed to get everything done, though Kim Chi looked upset that she couldn’t come out today.

I didn’t sleep too well and will put the mattress back to the soft side tonight. When I woke up I just found myself worrying about food and what I was going to eat. Hope to sleep better tonight. Will try to get into bed later, reading comics in the living room instead of in bed.

If I – 30th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If I was guarding the prisoner
I’d loosen their chains
If I was lost in a dark wood
I’d look where light remains
If I was walking home late
I’d shortcut through the park
If I found your magic idol
I’d goof around in the dark
If I could be young again
I’d test myself further still
If I found the point of no return
I’d climb the nearest hill
If I was caught in this rip
I’d flail against the tide
If I found all the answers
I’d find somewhere safe to hide
If I saw all the warning signs
I’d still struggle to react
If I heard you telling lies
I’d tell you what is fact
Me, you and everyone else
Like cats fighting over a fish
Me, you and everyone else
We’ll fight for what we wish

My poetry is, or should be, useful to me for one reason. It is the record of my struggle from darkness toward some measure of light.

Dylan Thomas

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to listen to music in my house whilst doing housework-type things.

Slept a lot last night and had good dreams but also kept waking up, what felt like all the time. Weird and nice not to have Amy here and somehow I felt more responsible and happy to feel that way.

Sorted the cats with breakfast, noticing Tangmo was already waiting for me at the gate. Cute.

I’m reading a Jim Morrison biography with my weekend coffees at Utopia and it’s well written and interesting to learn more about this guy. Never really enjoyed the Doors much but a well-written book put some music in better perspective and I may give them a go again at some point though I’m not short of things I want to listen to, having watched a Black Sabbath documentary the other day and hearing Pink Floyd at Utopia.

When I got back I still felt like I had many things to be responsible for, so I figured out what food to order later online, testing my Thai reading ability, watered the garden before it got too hot and as it was still, I decided to clean the leaves off the roofs of the teaching room and spare rooms, getting myself covered in dust and water. I did all this whilst listening to 400 Blows on the outdoor stereo.

Currently blasting random tunes on the kitchen stereo whilst I’m here in the living room and feel like all this strange music is my constant companion. I think I would go mad without music.

Showered and then marvelled at the speed and efficiency of the Grab Food order and delivery service, eating while watching The Twilight Zone, an episode from 1987. It’s odd to think that I was alive at the time – already 20 years old. The clothes, acting, and styles all feel like they were from an era before I was alive.

That’s Saying Nothing – 27th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You used a lot of words
To say nothing at all
Asking for some clarity
You raised a higher wall

Fake it until you make it
The megalomaniacal king
The rebels at the ramparts
Protest the hate you bring

The castle you’re living in
Contains a bloodied throne
Surrounded by your leeches
And afraid to be alone

There’s no way to be equal
In the games that you play
If you can’t explain yourself
Then there’s nothing left to say

Most people seek to avoid tedium, pain and any form of adversity. You must choose to move in the opposite direction.

Robert Greene

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see Amy’s grandmum on her 90th birthday yesterday. She’s going good.

My pen broke yesterday, leaving me penless. I brought one from home today but it doesn’t flow as well. I love a good pen.

After school yesterday, I took Amy to the skin doctor, who gave her a bunch of pills and creams that have previously worked for her, so hopefully will clear her up by Saturday when she leaves.

While I was waiting, I gave Hayden a call and he told me he got his first tattoo, which came as a bit of surprise, though perhaps more surprising that it took him so long. Anyway, it looks cool. Three 5’s on his wrist, which has a special meaning for him and made more so when I told him its meaning of laughing in Thailand. I’d forgotten that it was Australia Day today and he was out with his friends, so we didn’t talk for long.

Got home dog-tired and didn’t make it into my room and tonight we have to attack the termite problem again with more things to try and kill them off.

A Magic Trick – 26th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

A theatre in which to participate
A groupthink in which to integrate
Share no thoughts, share no feeling
Just a picture of instant appealing

A fantasy completely documented
A world that you yourself invented
Within that mirror, behind the screen
A hamster wheel forever unseen

A like or love with each clickety-click
Buying more will do the trick
The magic hat, a rabbit appears
A wave of the wand to dry your tears

Ocean sunsets with glorious wives
A time to remember for all your lives
Yet forgotten as you endlessly feed
And try to satisfy your doom-scrolling need

13 Aug 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Mislead

The meaning of life is nested within the set terms of our own mortality.

Nick Cave

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Nancy for giving me a nice scarf as a gift yesterday. It was a nice surprise.

I’m glad today is an easy teaching day as I’m pretty exhausted. My body is OK after exercise but my head just feels laggy.

Last night, Amy had a really allergic reaction to her dreaded enemy, the hairy worm. It affected her face and around her butt and thighs. Her skin came up in welts. It’s amazing how badly it affects her and yet I don’t have any problem with them at all. She took some medicine which knocked her out and I also had a deep sleep from which I didn’t want to wake this morning.

Today is Amy’s grandmum’s 90th birthday party. She’s starting to show her age these days, though I think her brain is still going strong. It must be annoying to not have total control over your body. It’s what we’re headed for.

What’s an ageing-related adjustment you refuse to make and why?

Right now, I feel like I’m constantly trying to fight my own narrow-mindedness. I don’t want to be that grumpy old man who complains about ‘things these days’. As a result, I don’t want to stop learning new things. Health-wise, there’s nothing much needed at the moment. I definitely don’t want to be in the brown and grey parade, so I try to keep my clothes young and fresh-looking. I think this could be a question for ten and twenty years time.

Grandmum’s 90th birthday lunch was yummy, after which I dashed off to an ATM to get cash for my work permit, as last year I didn’t bring any and they didn’t accept cards or QR payments. Well prepared this time……except! Except now they don’t accept cash but only cards and QR payments, which I now no longer had enough funds left in the bank! Argh! Expect the unexpected!

This is so typical of Thailand that it is not worth getting stressed about. Just like last year, I knew that they would sort it out and they did. Someone there who was also applying for their permit paid for me and I gave her the cash.

Shut Up And Shout – 25th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Letting others speak, even some nasty words
Tells you almost everything you need to know
Rather they, than you, put a foot in it
It’s a wonderful lesson for truth to grow

You can’t change what happened but what happens from here is up to you.

owner of Cerro Gordo

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to change up my first lesson today to start outside – give the kids and me something different to do.

After 3 busy, fun classes today, I can say that the kids are inspiring. In the morning, we did running dictation outside, which was a nice break from being in the classroom. Funny how some days the vibe is not quite right and other times everyone has a good time. So, it’s good to take it day by day and not stress when the bad ones happen.

After school yesterday, I went to Bruno’s and we went for our usual two circuit walk, to take me over 10,000 steps for the day. We talked about what happened with George last week and I feel OK with it and that it has told me more about him than he tried to imply about me. I also read about how some of us just prefer to be alone and are often criticised by those who are more social. I can accept George for the way he is – I can’t control it and it’s not my place to. It feels like he cannot do the same. So, whatever, as they say.

When I got home, I had a shower and a spoonful of kratom and felt awesome again, though I didn’t make it to my room to practice keyboard and guitar. Hopefully tonight.

What age-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

The most obvious adjustment for me is health-wise, with cutting down on alcohol almost completely and doing more regular exercise. As a slow learner, I finally figured out to start small and build on the habit. Many of us are like that.

Beauty and style-wise, there’s not much of anything since bleaching my hair, giving up on trying to make my pepper hair black. I think I’ve been like this for 5 or more years already. It’s cool to have bleached hair in Thailand, as dark hair is pretty much the norm.

Maybe learning keyboard and guitar can be considered age-related adjustments; some things I now consider possible for me to learn, whereas I didn’t really have the opportunity before.

Top Of The World – 24th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What was here in the week before existence?
Were those seven days, days at all?
Were you alive yet somewhere else?
Hidden behind some divine wall?
What meaning has a simple atom?
The planning, random, still put us here
Must I make my own definition
Atop the world, this spinning sphere?

You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But, that’s why they have coffee.

Cole Schafer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I didn’t kill our grasscutter by putting the wrong oil in it. I poured it out after realising and everything was ok.

Did not sleep easily last night but feeling ok this morning. Just a little chest workout to get going this morning. Been trying mini 3-minute meditations but even those, I’m not able to keep focus. Will persevere.

Amy spent most of the day at the Cafe With No Name and I cut the grass and tinkered in my room a while.

Preparing myself for next weekend when Amy will be away. Need to find an ironing routine! Ugh! Will try to do some tonight.

Have to do a little more lesson planning and prep too. I want to add some variety to my lessons again. Try and keep students interested. After enjoying the weekend at home, I know where I would prefer to be, really. The kids will keep me inspired, hopefully.

Not Wank – 23rd January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank
I’m not voting for you
‘Not wank’ gets my vote
My ballot paper is true

Inspired by this true election story
5th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – ballot

People aren’t looking for something to read – they’re looking for something they can share with their friends to make it seem like they really care about what’s happening in the world around them.

Nathaniel Malt

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful for our grass-cutting machine which destroys our long grass and my small plants when I’m not careful! If I do a little cutting each day/week, then I can save money on getting a gardener to do it.

15th Aug 2023 – I have become lazy and just let the gardener do it unless it is really out of control and they can’t come for a few days. I’ll cut for about 20 minutes and then give up exhausted!

Amy and I went for a great meal last night at a new Japanese izakaya near the clock tower. The food was yummy, though it made me wish to go to Japan again. I drank a bottle of expensive sake, which had me dizzy after almost the first sip.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 1.3kg up on yesterday! Back to exercise in the morning again tomorrow!

Trying to push the chattering thoughts about what was said to me on Friday out of my head as I try to defend myself internally from harm. Not easy to submit and let go. I liken George to a fire – warm and comforting yet easy to get burned if you get too close. I wonder about his being Lebanese, which he is always keen to hide, about being raised Christian yet unable to forgive or even understand others, and wonder about being from the Middle East and why it is so fucked up there.

And ultimately wonder about my own prejudices and faults. They are the only things I can change. The only things I can try and change. Stop killing myself.

Haunted Eye – 22nd January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My left eye only sees the truth
My right eye only sees lies
Blinded by some realities
Caught out by surprise

I spy with my haunted eye
Ghostly memories floating past
A single blink lasts an hour
Whilst perceiving this life so fast

31st Mar 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Haunt

It cannot be stressed enough that we do not all struggle equally.

David Bauer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that George finally got off his chest what his problem is with me. It was hurtful but meaningful. It helped me understand more about him as a person.

Been writing so much that all my pens are running out.

Arrived home yesterday feeling good and positive. Unfortunately, Amy wasn’t happy about what happened at school (see yesterday) and blamed it all on me. She thought that I liked hurting myself by continuing to try to talk with George. Perhaps there’s a subconscious element to that but I didn’t feel hurt after reflecting on it. What did not feel good was seeing how it made her feel. I learn slowly and deeply – Amy put doubt back in my mind, whereas I felt strength before. I feel that I can accept that everyone is different but that that feeling is not reciprocated by some. That’s ok too – we can’t expect to get along with everyone. What I must do is go back to basics and consider what I can control and what I can’t. Simple as that.

The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of my mum and her strength and resolve. Amy asked me if I’m ok without many friends and I am. My friends may not be right here, or be few in number, and I am fine with that. Others are not good with a situation like that, I know. But, like my mum, I am.

The Struggle – 21st January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Heartbreak is an old friend
Let the constant struggle kill you
Advice you don’t want to hear
Will make your life’s meaning clear

This is a process, not an event
Never gain what you wish for
Make it clear in your mind
There’s no thing for you to find

The poverty that I should be concerned and is the hardest for me, is that of giving up my own plans, ideas, opinions and dreams.

Vivian Warren

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find the catch for my wallet. It was in the pocket of my purple pants.

We changed our beds around last night – another attempt to try and sleep without fucking up our necks. We flipped the mattresses to the hard side and my neck is pretty good but I woke up often having to switch sides as my down side armlost feeling. I switched a lot, though slept deeply in between.

Got up quickly and worked my legs – which was a little tougher than expected. Felt good afterwards though and threw in a quick meditation which I want to try and do every day again (school days anyway) but may mean getting up at 6 am and not 6.10 am.

Drove to school feeling good and grabbed coffee, listening to the No Means Nothing podcast where hosts analyse Nomeansno songs and it made me realise that they haven’t released an album in almost 20 years and that makes me consider what great music they have made as I still listen to it very often. I can feel more now that they don’t make me as depressed and negative as they used to, so perhaps it was the attitude that I was bringing to it. It made me think about how I have changed.

When I got back to school, George was by himself and I said good morning, to which he mumbled a reply. So I asked him why he doesn’t say good morning to me that set him off. Finally, he’s spat out his feelings, that he wasted his time with a friendship with me and that he has no need to be polite and communicate with me in anyway. He thinks I should be old enough to understand that no one likes me here and I should behave differently. He said he will not be polite with me as it would be fake and he is not fake. I almost choked when I heard that!

To be honest, I mostly just let him talk and just asked him to be polite to me but he continued to refuse. I said he can be polite with everyone else, so why not me? He believes that other teachers’ ‘good morning’s are somehow completely genuine with him. I can see his point of view but I won’t be rude to people, even if I don’t like them – that’s just disrespect.

He is arrogant (towards me at least) and I can feel that it wouldn’t take much for others to get on his wrong side. He’s not happy when people don’t do what he wants. It’s a conditional friendship in his favour, always. It really just confirms what his girlfriend, Bee, told us about him, and how he treated other people before too.

I’m thinking to move up to the Chinese teacher’s room if I’m welcome there – maybe no one likes me there too?

It was pretty exciting at the time all this happened but I didn’t feel upset and went off and had two great classes. Now, I’m in House, drinking coffee and just wanted to get this down. The dreaded Friday afternoon class with 2/10 looms – not sure what I will do with them today, yet. Hooray for the weekend!

Freedom Trap – 20th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Build a wall to keep out the sea
And a roof to keep out the rain
Stop the sun from getting in
And never see the weather again

Freedom means nothing to the agoraphobe
We’re either trapped within big or small
The measure exists inside our minds
And we help to build that wall

The misery that oppresses you lies not in your profession but in yourself!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful for our big palm trees that provide hours of entertainment as Tangmo loves to play with the old fallen fronds. I don’t know why!

Classes went well this morning, with 2/9 again proving they are awesome and I’m wondering if that is due to the fact that Bruno taught them for 2 or 3 years when they were in primary school. I hope this class continues to get pushed because they are very capable. Whilst there are some bright sparks in the other classes, the dynamic within them is not conducive to learning. It’s a shame for them.

Anyway, I’m feeling good again today. Forced myself out of bed and did a back and shoulder workout in the hope of strengthening support for my neck. I know I shouldn’t lie down to watch TV or lie in bed reading but can’t help myself. Fixing those two things could be all I need. I’ll attempt them when Amy is not here.

Yesterday I got stuck into the termites behind (and in) the washing machine. Their nest is a pain in the ass to clean – basically mud, both dry and wet. As I was cleaning up, it occurred to me that this may be like an iceberg, with a nest much bigger behind the tiny hole in the wall. We ended up pouring a whole bottle of anti-termite powder down that hole – who knows how big it is down there?

Amy suggested we pour some kind of liquid killer down there next and maybe 4 litres won’t be enough. What are the predators of termites – and where are they? I thought the lizards would be enjoying snacking on them but maybe they get through the mud to them. Nature is wonderful. I just wish it wasn’t in my kitchen.