Tag: gratitude journal

Happy Days – 19th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

A couple of quotes from Samuel Beckett’s ‘Happy Days’. As I was reading the bizarre scenario of the play I had, perhaps, a false reminiscence of seeing this play on TV when I was young, being intrigued and excited by it. Whether I did or not is beside the point. In my mind, it now happened. I found an old dodgy video online of the play and it is almost exactly as I imagined. I didn’t watch it all as I don’t want to spoil the idea of it in my head. I will watch his other plays that I found though – unless I end up finding the books first.

Can’t be helped, just one of those old things. Another of those old things.

Resigned

Sigh away all of your expectation
Lost in your thought of resignation
Accepting as a gift, a pleasure
Here is now, and made to measure

Ah yes, so little to say, so little to do, and the fear so great, certain days, of finding oneself.

There is so little one can say, one says it all, and no truth in it anywhere.

In My Hole

So little to say, so little to do
A mindless curiosity within
So afraid of being found out
Who am I? What do I bring?
Words were spoken that said it all
Tho’ not a single truth was divulged
Here, in my whole, with my bag
I am henceforth forever indulged

18th Oct 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – Happy days

We’re going up the staircase to our best work.

Billy Oppenheimer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the lip salve to help keep my lips moist. How many people are involved in making and distributing that? Thank you all!

Dark and stormy this morning, slept like a log and didn’t want to get up with my alarm as it was so dark and quiet outside. But I did. Pushed through a workout and felt good. Feel good now with just one class this morning. Hayden called and sounded chipper. He told me he’s off the weed again, which is good and definitely contributes positively to his communication skills. He is talking big ideas and I hope he can follow through and figure things out for himself.

Is there someone who is older than you who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Non-specifically, I would say anyone who I see or read about who is still doing whatever the hell they like without concern for whatever is regarded as appropriate. Artists, musicians, creators etc. Could be others just doing what they do, even if quite normal. Someone bound to their belief but not so much that their mind is closed.

Of course, specifically, I would have to say my mother. I watched her grow and change without realising it. Her mind never failed, even whilst her body did. I think I understand she went somewhat against the grain of external expectations and I love that about her. She rarely held me back from trying everything and I was never afraid to tell her about it.

I don’t have that many people around me who are older than me. I’m struggling to think of anyone who is particularly inspiring in their old age. I’m taking in all experiences all the time and moulding them as I see fit.

Memories Remain – 17th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A bloodied book lies open
On stained sheets
A laptop locked from prying eyes
A still-warm seat
The dank smell of cigarettes
Hangs on the curtains
A tumbler of gin spices the nose
A rusty brown-edged mirror
Reflects the world inside
No moving pictures
Memories remain quiet here
A silent overwhelming
A sharpened pencil
Two elastic bands and a comb
Knocked to the floor
A story happened here
That’s happening no more

If you yearn for power, quickly lay honesty aside, and train yourself in the art of concealing your intentions.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws List

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have Amy’s old iPhone to learn how to use. It’s been an interesting exercise to switch from Android.

A grey and miserable morning that reminded me of England so much that my eyes ached and an oppressive, ominous feeling came over me. Lots of students missing from my first class so I just played Hot Seat with them instead of starting my normal lesson. It was fun and enjoyable, perhaps showing the kids that their memories aren’t that great.

I still have a negative feeling about the future, school-related. I get the feeling that I won’t be recontracted and perhaps TLC will try to move me again. I don’t know how that would work out, if I’d be interested to go somewhere else now.

Amy was grumpy with me this weekend too and I’m thinking a little about how much money we will spend this year. We have lots and lots of money (relatively) but she is keeping an iron grip on it whilst also planning her time in Australia. These months will be a test for me and despite looking forward to lots of space, I’m not looking forward to having less time.

What has been your favourite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

From 27 years old on I changed my life dramatically and in different ways. My most exciting age was when I was 30-32, when I had some self-confidence and self-belief for a while. An amazing relationship with a smart young woman inspired me so much but didn’t work out in the end and from then I was up and until around the age of 40, when, perhaps, I became almost completely comfortable with myself (again, with some ups and downs). I think 40-45 may have been my favourite age so far then but I don’t want to discount anything from the future. These next five years could be the best ever?

Would I go back to that age? I don’t think so, I don’t think it was my age that had anything to do with it. It was maturity and circumstance. Going back to that age would not be able to replicate those things.

Army Of Snakes – 16th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We know it’s fire before walking into it
But we walk into it anyway
That sweet-talking tongue with those devil words
Are the mark of Satan at play

Whilst thinking we’re ready to join the game
We’re not ready, yesterday or today
Tomorrow is set aside for self-reflection
Then to get the hell out of the way

15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt – lithe

Plastic – the quintessential American material.

Jeanette Cooperman

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for another relaxing massage yesterday followed by a delicious lunch by a lake with Nut and Bruno

A weekend disappeared (even though it is only Sunday afternoon at this moment). Friday night, I stayed up reading articles and drank one of the bottles of homemade Baileys that Dylan made, which made me feel good without being drunk.

Despite getting home tired, I was just happily keeping myself occupied, my brain engaged and didn’t get into bed until after midnight, yet managed to read a comic or two and then by this time I was both tired and awake. Pretty sure it was around 2 am when I got to sleep and then surprisingly woke up with my alarm at 7.15 and despite trying to snooze on, got out of bed soon after, ready to take on the day!

Amy and I had booked another two-hour massage for 10 am – her taking advantage of it only costing 10 dollars an hour this month, whereas when she will be in Australia next month, it will be at least six times that price. My massage this time was not as painful as last week and I couldn’t tell if it was just that the lady was taking it easy on me or if I just had less tension.

I was also distracted with a thought about giving each of my students a written report for their parents. I’d like to do this but a little paranoid that some parents may take useful information in the wrong way. I’m very conscious of wanting to do everything I can to help the students but becoming more aware that many parents don’t care that much, or, at the opposite end, overreact. I would put everything in a positive light. I don’t need to do this and it would take a fair bit of time but I’m a little concerned that I may not get my contract renewed next semester and want to show the kids and their parents how much I’m trying. A bit of a selfish motivation, mixed with the best of intentions.

So, my massage sped by much quicker this week and then we were off to meet Bruno, Nut and To at a northern cuisine restaurant by a lake. Bruno was in fine form and it’s interesting to me to see him interact with Nut. They have a funny, rib-poking relationship and Nut has quite a reasonable head on her shoulders. Bruno smokes a fair amount of weed and it has the opposite effect on him than it does me, in some ways. I think we got get lost inside our heads but he is also buzzing and talking quickly, perhaps saying everything that comes into his head, whereas I might be just thinking it. Even though their joshing and joking is light-hearted, I do wonder if Nut does take some of these things seriously. I guess I don’t really know them well enough to make a judgment, just to know that I don’t think I talk to Amy in quite such a brisk way.

Anyway, the food was great and conversation flowed until it was time to go off to other things and Amy wanted to do some shopping at Central, which she did whilst I stayed in the car and read a book. The skies had darkened and even though it wasn’t yet five, it felt like nighttime closing in already. So, by the time we were home, I jumped in the shower and got into bed as it looked like nighttime already outside. I wasn’t tired but the feeling was one to snuggle up in.

So I read a ton of comics and it was awesome. I live reading comics. A good comic just takes you away from everything and in such a short time. I think I eventually went to sleep 5 hours later. And, in the night, the rain came. Hard and heavy, quite a surprise for this time of year. Good for the parched ground and the weeds. I had hoped to cut the grass this weekend but will have to delay.

I had to go to school for teachers’ day, which just means sitting around, reading on my phone whilst monks chant and people announce things in Thai. I would guess 90% of the Thais there were just looking at their phones and then taking pictures in places set up to take good pictures in. If there was anything of substance in this event, it escaped me and most everyone else, I’m sure.

The rain had stopped but the sun stayed elusive and I had planned to go dick about in my room but ended up snuggled here in front of the e TV and writing this.

Fatman report

The Nail – 15th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Outstanding achievement award
All goals met and all points scored
But being the best
Separates the rest
The nail gets hammered as reward
Punished for not playing along
Subscribe to strive to belong
It’s a constant battle
Fighting the cattle
A nail stuck is seen as wrong
Maintain a smile and never frown
No pinks and yellows, only brown
If you use your mind
You soon will find
A nail stood out gets hammered down

The laughter of fools cannot wound the wise.

Judge Death, 2000AD

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to feel pretty good on little sleep this morning. Last night I stayed up until past midnight, reading articles and comics. It felt good.

No List – 14th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I got a resolution for you
Do little, do less, do nothing
Unfocus, unwind, chase nought
See what results that will bring

Success is for the losers
Stuck forever within the grind
Missing out is my success
And gives me peace of mind

As you approach the same age as your parents when they had you, you gain great empathy for them, realising that like you, they were just kids trying to figure it all out along the way.

Cole Schafer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch my students mature and improve their learning. I’m grateful to be part of that journey with them.

Got a little frustrated yesterday afternoon as I ran around getting a blood test and photos taken. The blood test has to be certified by a doctor and only one specific doctor. I wanted to take it there straight away but it doesn’t open until 6.30 pm, by which time I’m usually already at home and far away. I wasn’t going to hang around.

TLC insist that I have everything done by today but only told me about doing this on Tuesday. Never mind being busy with teaching and having to get a slew of documents copied. I don’t know why they can’t be organised enough to advise one month ahead of time. It’s typical Thai style and irritating. If I don’t do it in time, it means I will be penalised and have to pay more for the work permit.

Anyway, last night I just went home and put it to the back of my mind and primed myself to stay in the city for an extra 2 and a half hours waiting for the doctor to open at 6.30.

Last night, I spent time with Ableton and Launchkey and played a bunch of guitar. That was fun and I felt good, watching some TV and reading for a bit. Got to get back to reading Infinite Jest – it’s sitting there like a lead weight. Every time I pick it up to read, I love it but it’s not an easy read and it can feel like a chore.

This morning I was feeling good but my first class didn’t go well. The kids were tired and distracted and I felt like giving up but I stared out of the window and talked myself out of the feeling. It wasn’t too bad by the end and the next class went well, though everyone was a bit subdued there too. One more class…..

I saw the boys of this class playing football in the playground so I decided to join them and bond with them a little more and we had a good ten minutes before class started. It put me in a more active mood and the boys, who are usually a handful, were still playful but did their work, mostly. I leave this class easy work for Friday afternoon because I know they just want to finish and go home or talk with their friends. TFIF, though often these students think the week finishes on Monday morning.

So anyway, a happy end to the day. Now sitting around reading and finishing off a lesson I want to teach about sexual abuse in Thailand. I also want to put together a few new lessons to break up the ones I have now, which are all following a method (which seems to be working) but also feels a little mechanical.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you ‘missed’ and might try to reach later, off schedule, according ot our culture and expectations.

The milestone I’m looking forward to is retirement. That doesn’t mean stopping working, but stopping working for money. It’s age-related but I don’t want to wait until I’m 65. I’d like to do it this year.

What other milestones are there? The decades? Age is just numbers and bodily deterioration! One thing I did hope to do at 50 was to have a big birthday concert with some of my favourite bands playing but as it turned out, I was working night shift in Adelaide and hadn’t been around the music scene for a few years already. It doesn’t matter – I’m not upset about it. At that time, I was working towards bigger things – moving to Thailand. That was what was important.

The big milestone of death I would like to put off as long as possible unless I go senile, though at that time I probably won’t really be thinking about it. I’d like to be fit and fifty-five, sixty with a six pack. I guess those milestones aren’t particularly in our culture though.

Eggs Of Evolution – 13th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We are mutating faster than ever
Elongated thumbs and extended necks
Are we becoming more stupid or clever
As we homogenise into a single sex?

Reversal has never been possible
The eggs have already been fried
So we must hold ourselves responsible
And measure all the things we’ve tried

Paradoxically or not, great ideas come more easily from people who are not paid to have them.

Iain McGilchrist

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that my body tells me when to slow down and that I am able to rest when I want.

Feeling pretty good again today. It’s definitely helped by the reaction I get from students. When they are disruptive and noisy, I guess maybe I’m taking it as a failure, although I do understand that all my students also have their own things going on in their young lives.

Anyway, this morning, I could feel quite a few students really getting to grips with understanding some of the things I’m doing with them. That absolutely improves my mood. So my task is to not take it too much to heart when the opposite occurs.

This afternoon we have our second club meeting and I need to prepare some things in the hope that it goes smoothly.

I put my Launchkey keyboard on my desk last night with a plan to study about it for a few minutes each night. Still thinking about the room arrangement at the moment.

Busy getting work permit stuff together so not sure how much free time I will have. Let’s see.

Never Give Up – 11th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I gave up smoking when my son arrived
And eventually, the drinking on which I thrived
Drugs were out and I never did the casino
One thing I’ll never give up – that’s my cappuccino

When you try to extend your reach outward, it’s much better and more appropriately directed inward.

Ryan Holiday

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I got my laptop working as I needed it at school yesterday after having many problems.

What Will It Take? – 10th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

The spiritual super-humans waiting
To breed out the lesser specimens
To what end these missions
With their hyperintelligent regimens

When the cities submerge under seas
Destroying the parasitic subspecies class
What will it take to live together
Before this disaster shall come to pass?

The things you do often create the things you believe.

Benjamin Franklin

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see the weird orange colour of the sunrise before seeing the sun in the morning. Soon the sun will be up again before me.

I tested myself this morning by telling Amy not to get up so I could see how long it took me to do everything when she is not here. It looks like I can do it if I get up at 6.15, though if I want to increase my workout, then will need to be 6 am.

Further tests came at school when I tried to use my new laptop in class and had all sorts of problems. The IT guy came and looked like he fixed the internet cable for me but the projector wouldn’t connect properly. I dashed down to get my old laptop and then that had problems too!

I restarted everything and suddenly my new laptop started working. Started the class late but we got everything done. Everyone was happy.

I came out to House to see a message that no one can leave school again – just like prison!

At least this time, I followed the supposed procedure and signed the book to leave. We are threatened with contract termination if we break these rules. Ho-hum-so-dumb. Anyway, all these things have the potential to wind me up or get me down but I’m feeling ok to deal with it. For now.

Looking Good – 9th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This shiny apple, so appetising
Fools your sense without realising
Inside, the maggots, breeding more
In fact, it is rotten to the core

We sold the apple, sold it well
From the outside, no one can tell
This analogy can be multiplied
Across your beautiful nation wide

Within is decay, or already dead
No matter all the pretty words said
A conspiracy in which we all take part
Only the truth can fix this heart

Fuck the fuck off back to where you fucked on from.

Ricky LeFleur, Trailer Park Boys

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to the lady that gave me a 2-hour massage yesterday. It was painful but awesome and I’m still in pain now, but awesome now!

I slept super well last night after a spoonful of kratom and feel great this morning, though I’m too early for Tha Sut and no cafes are open yet, so I’m back here writing.

Yesterday was relaxed but the time disappeared quickly. In the morning, Amy and I took Na up to the university cafe for her English lesson and it was good to go somewhere different. Na was very sweet when she said that she will miss Amy.

After lunch, I watched the Youth Brigade/Stern Brothers documentary, which was pretty inspiring and reminded me that I also wanted to start a Better Youth Organisation in Dorset. I didn’t know what I was doing, just as the Sterns admitted but I wonder turn my life would have been like if anyone had responded to my leaflet to do something more like that.

After that, it was time for a deliciously painful massage that loosened up a few places in my body and made me contemplate my future with my hips. Will I need some kind of operation at some point? What can I do now to delay that possibility?

I left Amy in the city to meet her friends and came back to watch some TV bits and pieces and chill out with kratom and before you know it, the day’s gone.

Today we’ll go shopping and hopefully not much else. Life is great.

I Am Nobody – 8th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Nobody, no one, stuck outside
Looking in, is not interesting
On the margin, in dark edges
Don’t force steps into the light
Nobody, no one, give no invite
Denied the dull-somebody life
Living in the corners and alleys
Where stories are made of air

You might have achieved what you wanted, but are you sure you learned the lesson?

Slash

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have coffee options around me. Art has closed Utopia for the weekend to go camping and I went to Black Smooth and had a nice coffee there and read some more. I feel good.