Every little while Comes surreptitious smile Whilst looking at a girl’s pretty toes A leaf whirls from the sky A bike goes whizzing by Towards the city’s night time neon glows
The matrix may be woken The nightmare briefly broken When the moonlit water shimmers A coffee cup of thoughts Sees a pumpkin on the porch And hopes to hold on to the glimmers
So tired. Only had about 5 or 6 hours sleep again but had to get up and go to meet Hayden and Bronwyn for breakfast and though I’m tired I still have energy reserves probably from all the food I’ve been eating.
Today I’m grateful for:
The guy from the AEC who helped us skip the hour-long queue because I told him we weren’t sure if we were registered. Neat trick. Got to the Yum Cha quicker for lunch.
The best thing about today was:
Walking around the park parts of Barangaroo and under the bridge, past the Rocks and to Circular Quay was pretty nice this morning. Even though the visage is familiar and I have many similar photos it’s pretty hard to resist taking new ones.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My sleep is still totally out of control. The funny thing is that when I woke up at 8 am Sydney time and sent a message to one of my students, where it was 4 am, they replied wondering why I was still awake. I asked them the same thing! I tried to nap at 4 pm but that was useless too. I’m just out of whack.
Something I learned today?
Our friends Mei and Haken were in a car crash last night though luckily neither were seriously hurt. Mei was supposed to be a bridesmaid at the wedding today but unfortunately was still a little sore and shaken up for those duties.
What is something I look forward to every day?
Coffee. I’ve gotten used to the coffee in Chiang Rai now though and these Aussie coffees are not so tastily satisfying for me anymore. I managed to stick with just two today though, which is good.
Bronwyn took this picture because she wanted another shot of Hayden and me together. We looked at each other laughing and shaking our heads at her. I like this picture a lot.
A complete genius or total wanker There’s no in-between A diamond geezer or a tosspot If you know what I mean?
Of course, it was a waste For those with good taste Lost in old England’s dream When the rhythm stick hit Championing the Brit Inspired by old sweet Gene A London vicar A treat or tricker And occasionally obscene With panties and boots From Edwardian roots Cloaked in a music hall theme
inspired by Will Burch’s Ian Dury biography
Today I’m feeling:
(1.30 am) I’m still awake again. I’m super tired but just can’t get to sleep.
(9 am) I reckon I got to sleep at around 3.30 after trying various different places around the house. It was so frustrating. My 8am alarm shook me awake and I did 100 star jumps to try and actually wake up. On the bus and in the city waiting to see Hayden.
(11.15 am) I’m starting to flag. Hayden’s flight was delayed an hour and I’m desperately trying to keep my eyes open.
Today I’m grateful for:
Ray Ahn at Utopia Records and Nic at Repressed Records for giving me information and updates on what’s happening around Sydney these days. I’m glad they still remembered me!
The best thing about today was:
Catching up with Hayden and his news and cruising around town in and out of various shops. Another day of more than ten thousand steps.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My brain was a little out of control there for a while as I got dizzy looking at all the books in Kinokunya.
Something I learned today?
Ray Ahn recommended three bands to me; fortuitously, one of them will play the show on Sunday.
What brings me the most fulfilment?
Teaching for sure. Since returning to Sydney for these few days I’m realising how much my life has changed since leaving Australia. My eyes opened to new ideas and pace of life. Whereas I may have found fulfilment with music before, organising and working with artists; that feels like a different life. That’s ok. It’s better not to just be stuck in one thing forever. I’ve worn many hats and maybe I’ll still have a chance to wear more.
Who has influenced my life in a profound way?
All the special women in my life. My mom, Emma, Cherry, Bronwyn, TLJ, Echo, Lorraine, Kyoko, Chise and Amy. Small parts and big, all these people I have loved and got me where I am right now, attending a wedding overlooking the beautiful waters of Sydney. It’s been an up-and-down journey that I’m proud to have travelled. Let’s keep going. Now the special women in my life are my students who I hope I can inspire to realise their dreams.
Hayden took this picture because we haven’t seen each other for four years and we’re both happy and healthy these days.
Like I’m heading towards exhaustion. After pushing through exercise this morning I felt a bit better but I can feel that the extra energy I had last week from exercising is not here this week. It could just be that there are no students here to help me maintain a little anxious tension in my thoughts and body but I also need to think beyond that. To feel inspired regardless of what the rest of the day holds ahead.
Today I’m grateful for:
The new Quizizz AI that makes it easy to take a text and generate questions from it. Life is getting easier but does that mean it is getting better?
The best thing about today was:
Feeling inspired. I got lots done writing-wise at House this morning and then figured out some good lessons for my grade 10 kids and as I mentioned above, using the new AI tool has made it easier.
And despite my comment this morning about nearing exhaustion, I was still going, adding work to those lessons at 9 pm after a couple of hours of enjoyable guitaring that I had earlier contemplated skipping.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I had accidentally closed a file on my computer that was a document of quotes that I wanted to write about but can no longer find the document now that it’s been closed! It’s easy to find books of quotes but I obviously had this one open because they meant something to me but I can’t even remember where it had come from. A minor frustration in the scheme of things.
Something I learned today?
I noticed Momo was a little quiet yesterday and messaged her to see how she was doing. Scrolling back at previous messages I saw that she hasn’t been very happy this semester and is struggling to make friends in her new class. She said she missed Porpieng and Baitong since they moved schools and what I hadn’t considered was when she said that they had been in the same class for nine years and that she never practised making new friends in that time so she thought she was lacking some social skills. I always thought of her as a friendly outgoing person and I think this feeling caught her by surprise.
What skill would I like to learn?
I hope I’m not at the point of learning old-man skills yet. I don’t think I want to play chess or bridge. I still feel like I want to learn to surf. I loved bodyboarding back in my 30s and I know the thrill. I never progressed to surfing though. That time may have passed.
I’m still developing skills in guitar, Thai language, and classroom management amongst other things so I have plenty to be getting on with.
Growing magic mushrooms might be a cool skill to learn!
What’s one thing you made this year?
I made a ton of poetry but that is not something new. I made plenty of messes, but again, nothing new. I made some happy students, a lot of lessons and new student friends.
I made mistakes, though hopefully they are reducing each year.
But what did I make that is something new?
I think it was this year that I made a booklet with all the blog entries from 1979 and sent one to Hayden and another to Sharon.
I also made a notebook with a quote for every day of the year in 2022 that I sent to Hayden.
I made a grave for Kim Chi and as I write this it brings tears but at her grave, I feel pleasant as I pick out the grass to allow the other things to grow there.
One thing I didn’t make is any food. Shoving meals into the microwave or shoving potatoes into the oven does not count.
I took this picture because I found these flowers pretty, standing out against the stark green and the deep blue of the sky.
I hope your day is grand Goes as you have planned It’s the thing to do But I still don’t love you
It’s a past we shared When once we cared But yesterday is through And I still don’t love you
I wrote a broken ode Broke the unspoken code I’m thinking of you But still don’t love you
inspired, but not connected, by part of this post at Spinning Visions
Today I’m feeling:
Happy again but a little tired now that I’m home and have eaten some food. I will try to sleep earlier tonight I think. I say that now but I often end up late again!
Today I’m grateful for:
The fruit-flavoured toffees that I can buy at Big C and no doubt fuck up my fillings. I will take a packet to Hayden so he can fuck up his fillings too.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today I found out that one of my students, Feije, has been expelled from school. I could sense that something was up with her recently and tried to reach out to her but she said everything was fine. I saw her falling asleep in other classes and she would often skip mine with excuses that her friends said weren’t true.
Her friends were sad that she has gone. They told me that she had posted pictures on IG of herself drinking beer. I told them that she was stupid for doing that. Her friends wanted to protect her but they also knew that I was right.
Amongst all the kids in her class, there were plenty of others that I would’ve expected to have discipline issues first.
Something I learned today?
I read about Gregory Sadler who has 377 videos on YouTube about his reading of Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit. He started in 2015 and finished this week. He is also considering reading it again!
What do I remember about a recent dream I had?
Dreams are evasive when trying to force them back into memory. I know that I woke up last night needing to pee but whatever I was dreaming about had given me an erection that made it extremely difficult to point downwards into the bowl. It was still dark and I wanted to get back to sleep as soon as I could but had to wait and then bend it as much as possible. I’m not sure what the dream was but I seem to remember thinking that it was something affectionate rather than sexual. I didn’t have any trouble getting back to sleep but also don’t recall any new dreams that I might’ve had.
I took this picture because Miyor was excited to show me this new trick she had learned. She then proceeded to get other students to try it too. I’m trying now whilst writing this and my old bones just don’t bend that way.
When the sweetest words are whispered With sincerity and connection Dreams inspire more dreams To bring light, hope and meaning A little sunshine that beams on the floor Not only warms the feet But comforts the heart with it To counter my own rainy days
Today I’m feeling:
Very positive and happy. By around midday, I was that kind of happy tired, a little delirious, meditative and relaxed. I am starting to feel the wind-down myself now though I still can’t really fathom that in a couple more weeks I’ll be heading to Australia.
Today I’m grateful for:
The guy at the market who sells puff pastries with durian cream. He hadn’t made any when I got there last week and I was hankering for it since then. I also saw the stall selling fish and rice that I wanted to try but had already bought salad for dinner. I have to remember to try it next week.
The best thing about today was:
All the good conversations with students in and out of my classes. One in particular with Jee about how poorly paid Thai government workers are and another with JubJib where she was riffing on this story that she was making up about all her classmates and what their characters would be like in her story. She asked me what her character should be like and I said she should be the opposite of how she is in real life so she should be tough and mean, wear leather jackets and like to fight. I could see her mind whirling with this idea, she seemed to like that.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy is getting more concerned about her mum who is shouldering all the responsibilities for all the sick people in the family and has lost five kilos in a week what with running around, stressing and not sleeping and eating properly. Dad goes into hospital for his operation tomorrow and hopefully that all goes smoothly but at the same time Grandmum is not speaking or eating at the moment and may deteriorate quickly. So even if our plans continue with me going to Australia, the feeling may not be of excitement and pleasure.
Something I learned today?
Today is Hayden’s birthday (27? Is that right!? Crazy!) and he went for Korean BBQ with his mum, friend and girlfriend. She sent me a couple of pictures so today I learned what my son’s girlfriend looks like. He hasn’t told me much about her but I hope she is a positive influence for him.
What went well today?
Despite having frustrating issues trying to get a projector working in my first class and all the students wanting free time (which I refused!) we slowly and deliberately did some listening exercises and even though it took them more than an hour to listen and write two minutes of conversation we did it with little stress and in a relaxed way and Jee, in particular, said she found this work difficult but enjoyed it and wanted to do it more because she knew that there are not many opportunities to practice like this.
I took this picture because yesterday there were posts on the university’s Facebook page from students asking about this friendly dog that turned up outside Lotus’s and the market along with pictures that I easily recognised as Tangmo. The posts were around 2 pm yesterday but I remembered that he came to see me when I got home at 4.30 so he had obviously found his way back home in the meantime. The biggest worry about it though is that the highway is usually very busy and Tangmo isn’t the smartest and most aware dog in the world but he had somehow managed to navigate his way to the other side and back. I took this picture to send to Amy to show that he was still ok but typically he can’t walk more than a few metres before stopping to scratch or munch on an itchy back as he’s doing here. I’ve also been teaching him to keep a snack on his nose before he’s allowed to eat it. I think he might be able to do it one day.
Tired from a long reasonable sleep. My body is aching from all the exercise this week so I’ll happily give it a little break. No plans in particular for today though I might watch the AFL replays as they should be good games. I’ll get some reading in today as I skipped it a lot this week, running out of time and energy. I need to pick up the guitar too. Suddenly I’m filling a relaxing day but at least there’s no real stress right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
A dreamy afternoon nap, spacing in and out of the jazz core podcast. Is that weird? I remember one time as a teenager Jez came around and he couldn’t believe I was sleeping and listening to Crass’s Yes Sir, I Will album cranked up and to be fair I wasn’t in a deep sleep but spacing in and out. I guess I’m well-practiced.
The best thing about today was:
Drinking late morning coffees and getting a super buzz off them. I contemplated a third but managed to restrain myself. I wish I could drink endless coffees without getting so jacked up on them.
What is it that makes you a weirdo in your space?
To answer this I might have to figure out what ‘my space’ means. In fact, I might be considered a weirdo in any space these days. But I’m projecting that onto other people. I don’t think of myself as weird at all.
My space as a teacher: not just as a teacher but as a teacher in Thailand. By being a foreigner, that immediately makes me an anomaly. We are treated differently by other teachers and students alike.
My style of interaction with the teachers is relatively normal but I am one of only two teachers I ever see engaging with kids outside of class. This could also contribute to how the students treat me differently too.
They don’t show the same respect but they are more interactive at least. I don’t see myself as being on some kind of untouchable pedestal that this status could afford. I’d rather connect on a more friendly level. That means also having to deal with all their emotional ups and downs and behavioural issues as they are navigating their teenage growth.
What the Thai teachers think about my style of interaction with the students I have no idea or particular interest. I’m doing the best I can with the little skills I have and if it improves my student’s lives in any way then I consider what I’m doing to be positive.
My space as a music supporter: as demonstrated with tenzenmen I have a broad range of musical interests and whilst this makes for an unsuccessful business model I don’t wish to be defined within a limited genre because that’s just boring to me. Some people get it.
As a person that was in the middle of a ‘scene’ in Sydney, I was also, somewhat purposefully, separate from the other people involved. In many ways, I just didn’t want to deal with all the personal bullshit going on in their lives or share any of mine. Our interactions were intentionally just involving music and getting that out there. I felt that about 80% of the people were my friends whom I could trust if I ever needed but always managed to keep myself in a situation where that need would never arise. This didn’t make me close friends in their eyes but it did for me.
My space as Amy’s partner: Amy may consider me a weirdo in many ways but she understands my aesthetic and ideals whether she understands my interests or not.
For other people outside our relationship, I don’t really know what they might think about me as an individual but they are often confused about our relationship. For Amy and I, it is not confusing at all.
Many of her friends do not understand how we can trust each other and maintain our relationship when we are not together but that is hardly a statement on us and says more about them.
My space as a father to Hayden: I guess I’m not particularly weird in this space. I have never been much of a hands-on controlling kind of father and therefore have not been particularly stressed about his growing pains and even when it has been frustrating to watch him make mistakes I have always trusted that he will find his way in the end and slowly he seems to be doing that. I may be wrong but I feel many fathers deal with their sons in the same way.
There are other spaces I fill too but these feel like the main.
What would make today great?
Well, the day is almost done and it was a standard good day without anything particularly great occurring. It was great that the rain that threatened all day managed to hold off until I had brought the washing in. Small wins.
Noey took this picture because I got up late and Utopia were wondering where I was. That’s nice to be appreciated as a customer or even as a friend.Fatman report
With a hammer in hand Chiselling at the stone Crafting at the life planned In one’s thoughts alone
Painting cloudless skies To fall down to this earth Daydream a new surprise Meaning defines its worth
An artist in every way Reflecting deep-held traits When words can never say The statue silently states
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good but in some pain. I fell asleep on my back last night which was pretty unusual for me but I soon woke up needing to pee. Back to side sleeping, my shoulders ached me awake again a few times so when my alarm went off I wanted to sleep a bit more but then I was feeling pain on the left side of my jaw as my rotten teeth decided it was time to tell me to go back the dentist. With needing to pee again it was time to get up. I still managed to motivate myself with a 100 star-jumps and out to have a day of coffee, reading and ironing.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to watch a funny podcast on YouTube that made ironing 17 shirts more pleasant than normal.
The best thing about today was:
I found out Hayden has a new girlfriend called Vashti and I was surprised to hear that she is Aboriginal. I’m not sure why I find that surprising. I only ever met his first girlfriend who was a stereotypical pretty blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. He sounded very happy today and looking forward to his new job doing support work which he is hoping to start in the next week or two.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
In general, the garden is out of my control or more specifically it is too big and I’m too lazy to get it under control fully. My priorities lay elsewhere. Handled by Amy asking if we needed the gardeners to come again to which I replied ‘Yes!’
Something I learned today?
Having removed a ton of YouTube subscriptions I returned to Little Chinese Everywhere and Yan’s journey from Europe to China. This time she was in a small Georgian village nestled in amongst rolling green mountains. One particular interaction stood out to me when the old lady owner brought breakfast and Yan said thank you in Georgian and the old lady gave her a hug and said thank you in Chinese. It reminded me of the goodness within most of humanity.
What mystery fascinates me?
Ultimately the mysteries of the truths of the world. Growing to be more aware of histories written by victors or manipulated by those in a position of strength I’m left contemplating what it is that I know that is true. So many lies are so often repeated these days and so much information and counter-information is available. What is it that I should believe?
Mysteries of origin, the universe, the planet, humanity. How can it not entertain the mind? The existential mystery of meaning.
The mystery of what I will eat tomorrow.
I took this picture because I found Tigger sitting here in the unkempt grass and though his colour is stark against the green in this picture he somehow blends in and would be difficult to spot for unsuspecting critters wandering by. Here he just seemed to be enjoying the sun after dinner and looking a little majesterial.
I’m a mafia, a ninja A beauty pageant queen A killer, a lover Not what I seem I’m a prisoner, running The drama in a dream A thriller, a horror Lived out on a screen I’m a wolf, a soldier All I want I’ve been A housewife, a salesman A life lived so clean I’m a target, a comedian Laugh until you scream Anything I ever wanted Is what I’ve always been
Coffee is the fuel this morning as I struggle to get going after feeling some pain in my left hip throughout the night.
But ‘get going’ is relative as today I plan to do little beyond watching the football.
And that was one intense game of football which has weirdly seen us through to the finals as opposed to Geelong, last year’s winners unable to make it. It’s been a great turnaround but I don’t see us being able to make the grand final this year.
Today I’m grateful for:
The shirt that I ordered for Hayden arrived here safe and sound. I’ll try it on for size and then order a couple for myself some time too.
It was weird that some of the shirts are in stock in Australia but the shipping to Thailand was cheaper than shipping within Australia!
The best thing about today was:
Catching up with some reading, books and comics. Choosing to read instead of watching TV. It’s not easy because there are lots of things I like to watch but I’m finding that I’m neglecting reading because of it. I usually get my ideas from things I read rather than things I watch.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Yesterday I hung out the washing even though dark clouds were brewing. I mistakenly trusted the weather forecast of no rain. An hour later a huge storm hit drenching everything. Oh well, they’ll dry today I thought, but today the sun barely broke through and whilst some of the lighter things managed to dry everything else was still wet or damp and will need to be washed again. There’s another ten days of rain due so I may actually have to go the laundry to use a dryer.
Something I learned today?
Things I haven’t thought about for a while are a little bit of a struggle to recall these days. I struggled to recall some manga artists’ names this evening, artists of which I paid lots of dollars for the work at one time in my life, so they had a deep enough meaning for me for a while. I did eventually figure out the names through a series of online searches but still, I worry about nonsense going into my head pushing out all the good stuff.
If I had to describe myself using only five words, what would they be?
Sometimes I think I’m ok. Sometimes I make mistakes too. Friends can be far away. I do what I do. No excuses for doing wrong. My life means nothing anyway. Always trying to understand myself. There’s often little to say.
I took this picture because although Tigger can fit into the shelf under the table, for some reason he felt more comfortable with his butt sticking out like this.
A harmony made with a push The string welcomes the bow Complimentary or alone Compensates for what we know
A combination of careful ears Sing along or start your own When no one hears the tree fall The counter remains unknown
Today I’m feeling:
Positive, perky, alive. Under that, I know I’m a little tired and could enjoy more of the good sleep that I had last night. A busy day has passed happily at school. Now for a chill evening.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Rocks soda water that can be left in the fridge opened and still be fizzy after 24 hours. It seems suspicious to me! How is it possible? It’s good though because it’s so fizzy I can’t drink a whole bottle in one go.
The best thing about today was:
Pushing myself through two exercise routines this morning (abs and chest) which got me going. I feel like I need to push a little bit extra at the moment as I put on a little weight recently.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I took everything in my stride With a confidence I couldn’t hide When things wrong I just played along Using the skills I’ve learned and applied
Something I learned today?
I saw one of my old students (Sun) today and barely recognised him. I hadn’t seen him around for about six months I guess but in that time his face went from a boy to a man. That’s scary. Some other students have barely changed in three years. It is a privilege to be able to watch them grow.
Which reminds me, yesterday I wrote about August’s birthday and today I saw her in a class and wished her a happy birthday. She was shocked and surprised that I knew. I think it made her happy.
How is my life different from how I thought it would turn out?
Holy shit, my life is totally different than I thought it might be.
Up until meeting Bronwyn, I didn’t really have any idea about what I might end up doing. I was looking forward to a life of dull drudgeful depression in the UK and had no vision to escape.
Thankfully, fortuitously, meeting Bronwyn helped me find a way out that even though was still rudderless, set me on a path of discovery.
I never wanted to get married and ended up marrying three times, though if it wasn’t for visa requirements, I likely wouldn’t have married at all.
I never wanted children but Hayden came along as a happy surprise.
These days I don’t feel quite the need to push my life in any particular direction as I’m content with where I’m at.
Jet took this picture because she took my phone to take selfies and asked me to join in. Jet and Fah are two of my favourite students. Though both have wildly different personalities they still also can’t help acting their age of 13 or 14. They are smart and funny.
Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour, enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.
The best thing about today was:
Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!
Something I learned today?
I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.
What are some of my favourite song lyrics?
All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.
I took this picture because I received a nice package from Reece in the USA containing the Flesh Narc compilation which I will release soon, along with a whole slew of bonuses that I will have to find time to enjoy.
1994ever 