Tag: Hayden

Trouble At The Freezer – 2nd January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The ice cream
Was delicious
I ate it all
While you were out

Don’t be angry
Your loss is minor
And I know
You love my tummy

Despite your upset
We both know
It will
Happen again

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecendented in the history of the world, bu then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, relaxed and somewhat renewed energy. I’m wondering if that’s because Amy is leaving again this week? I’ve found it more difficult to do the things I usually do when she’s not here (playing guitar, reading, listening to music ) and maybe I slipped into some lethargy and laziness, instead just watching videos online. It does feel more physiological though but I guess it’s all connected.
Today I’m grateful for:
Anton Chekov’s short story ‘Ward No. 6’. I read it this morning after my coffee and it wowed me a lot and made me question certain things. One paragraph, in particular, resonated deeply as often happens when writing reminds you of your own life. I will reread this one again.

The best thing about today was:

The ease of showering Tigger. Amy and I were both surprised at how compliant he was to get covered in soapy water. He wasn’t happy but we didn’t get cut to bits as we thought might happen. Thankfully the vet had managed to cut his nails yesterday too. Tigger feels softer again and the rough skin is clearing up too. Of course, after showering and then drying him, which takes the most time, he went into the sun and started rolling around in the dirt again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy got a little grumpy with me today when I’d forgotten to give Tigger his medicine after dinner. I called him and he came in from outside. I gave him some more food but then Amy dropped something that crashed to the floor frightening him and he ran off before I could give the medicine. I chased after him but he ran outside and into the darkness where he is impossible to see. I came back in knowing that he’d come back in before I went to bed but Amy was still complaining – to herself, in Thai, thankfully – so I just ignored it and about 15 minutes later he came back in of his own accord and I was able to nab him and give him the pill.

Something I learned today?

I’d forgotten to search Antioch Arrow until now and can’t find any meaning behind the band name though I didn’t dig too deeply.
I did learn that Hayden has applied for another job, this time cleaning. I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s never been the cleanest person but, like myself, I’m sure he’d be more inclined to better clean for other people when getting paid for it.
I know I learned other bits and pieces today but it’s a struggle to recall things. I want to be more present when learning something so I can recall things better. Or perhaps it’s that most information is just useless knowledge and hence easy to forget.

What daily habit will help you feel healthier, fitter, and more alive?

I’m old enough to know these things by now. But knowing them is different to doing them. Back on the horse tomorrow, so to speak.

Art took this picture because every day he posts a picture to promote Utopia as being open. I end up in them about once every 6 weeks. This one is really nice though with the morning sun coming through the window.

Turning Wine Into Water – 23rd December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A filter for your fine wine
Clever ways to pass the time
Background noise, it overtakes
A price to pay for your mistakes
Filter out your reputation
Open to reinterpretation
A vessel holding temporary
A vintage wine exemplary

…people sell their freedom as a necessity for getting rid of the anxiety which is too great to bear…

Rollo May

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
My student’s relatively good moods. I can’t quite comprehend what Christmas means for these kids but, being what they are, they take full advantage of the generally relaxed atmosphere.
The best thing about today was:
Talking with Eing, Nicha, Nam and Dena outside class. They were in a friendly and curious mood and with our mixed language skills we managed to communicate together for a good ten minutes. This felt like the place where real learning, trying and experiencing, happens. In the classroom is just a setup, a prep.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’m actually writing this on Saturday morning as I fell asleep listening to music last night. Time ran out of my control.
I also got a message from Bronwyn that Hayden had to confront a potential burglar at home on Thursday night. I called him, he was a bit shaken by the experience but he seemed to handle everything well really. His covid symptoms aren’t so bad this time but he has to stay away from work for two weeks which is leaving him short of cash. Despite everything, and his voice being a little down, he seemed pretty positive. Being far away and being a dad to an adult means relinquishing control and letting your child deal with the good and the bad in the world. Watching personalities develop is an interesting experiment. I will do it with Hayden for the rest of my life. I will do it with my students for a year or two of theirs.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Martin Atkins has a post-punk museum in Chicago. He was talking about it on the Curious Creatures podcast. I communicated briefly with Martin a few years ago when getting hold of the Snapline album that he mixed. In interviews I’ve seen with him online he has a certain bravado, a barrier he constructs but his articulation with the hosts of the podcast was much more sincere and I liked him a lot more.
How are you celebrating the holidays this year?
As can be expected this app (Day One) is a western Christian-centric app, despite being available to people anywhere in the world and it expects you to be having holidays about now. And I’m not. So I’ll be working as these are just normal days here.

I took this picture because I started checking these new Ai image-making apps that are getting lots of press. AI writing and all sorts of apps can be generated easily and with speech too, it practically means webpages of information can be artificially built. What will be ‘real’ or considered real? This image was created by entering Gormenghast Lord Titus. The image is unique and interesting but did I make it? I want to take the image and draw my own version of it. Will it be mine then? Maybe.

Recognition Of Reality – 22nd December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Am I sitting down yet?
Are my feet touching the floor?
No recognition of reality
Is it worth existing anymore
Am I breathing air?
Is blood pumping through my veins?
No recognition of a life itself
No usefulness remains

*inspired by a story from Seneca

You determine the quality of your mind by the nature of your daily thoughts.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws

Today I’m feeling:
Happy but a little on edge
Today I’m grateful for:
Our air fryer which nicely cooked the Hainan ginger fake chicken I ate for dinner with rice and cucumber (to counter the hot chilli sauce dressing). Amy has made me 3 servings to freeze for when she has gone too. I suppose I could learn to use the fryer too but I just don’t bother cooking by myself.
The best thing about today was:
Undoubtedly, both my classes which I took a very relaxed attitude towards whilst still having the kids semi-engaged with activities. Even the kids that get annoyed with me did some work and seemed to enjoy what we were doing. Some days I love them all. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow should be too. One class making Christmas cards and another two just doing online quizzes and then it’s the weekend again (finally – last night I thought it would be Friday today until I realised it wouldn’t and felt the energy drain out of me!)
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy is grumpy today, maybe PMT, so I’m trying to not bite at her and let it pass. I’m not always successful and she got angry when I misheard her about something and reacted badly. I let it blow over and apologised for misunderstanding and just tried to carry on as if nothing happened. I don’t think we’ll have good communication for the rest of the night, so let it lie and wake up tomorrow to a brand new sunny day, or at least we get to start again.
Something I learned today?
Hayden has Covid again. Hopefully, it’s not as bad as the first time and he recovers soon. I messaged Ellen too, who I haven’t been in contact with for about six months and since China relaxed their lockdown policy a couple of weeks ago, she and many of her clients got Covid too. I think China’s tough covid policy was the best way to deal with it and hopefully, now the virus is weaker there will be fewer deaths from infections. It’s amazing to me that other countries didn’t take it as seriously.
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
The next tattoo I get will be some Cardiacs lyrics on my right calf. I also want to get a Boognish tattoo but not quite sure where yet. Still thinking about the weird Trumans Water Spasm Smash cover too.

I took this picture because there’s spiders living in the trees!

Famous For Less Than 15 Minutes – 19th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

His name is in the papers
Overcome with joy
Running around excited
As a little boy
There, upon a page
Was indeed his name
A minor accident
Bought a day of fame
It surely won’t last
As other events soon came
But it was still a source
Of pride just the same

inspired by an Anton Chekov short story

Coould be worse, think of all those poor people who have to answer emails in an office all day.

from Soaring Twenties Social Club newsletter

Today I’m feeling:
Exhausted
Today I’m grateful for:
Our old vacuum cleaner that still soldiers on despite all the cat hair and mummified lizards. The floor will look good for five minutes. As soon as the cats come in from outside bringing dust, dirt and grass with them it will be back to normal.
The best thing about today was:
Talking to Hayden for a good thirty minutes. He’d received the blog posts that I’d printed out for him and we chatted about those amongst other things. It was good to share with him and I think he appreciated my sending them.
Daily thought
What would you do with the ring of Gyges?
I’d like to think I would be a guiding hand for good. Stop cats and dogs from getting run over, and somehow help people make better decisions and not get stuck with problems. Perhaps I would be a little Robin Hood too though. Try to spread the wealth and happiness around further. It’s all perilous though. Maybe there’s a set balance in the world and for every good in one place something bad would still happen somewhere else. Maybe if just be a voyeur and trying to understand the ways people think about things.
Write about your favourite/worst haircut.
I liked my hair when it covered more of my head. I liked it when it was shaggy. I always like it messy too. I liked when it was blue too but that was only for one day as Amy refused to be seen with me with my hair that way. Haha.

I took this picture because Pi’ti was looking cute here and the only places I went today we’re here at Utopia and the car wash. Not many photo opportunities there.

Reaching The End Of The Internet – 31st October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We all live in a trivia submarine
Deeper into holes full of rabbits
From the Can I Haz Cheeseburger? meme
To fountains and mountains of shitty reddits
Diving through dark webs of extreme
Impossible to break these sad habits
Nothing is said but it may seem
As if everyone has already said it

That is what everyone’s work should be – a confession, a baring of your soul, your faults, those things you simply cannot or will not understand or accept. You stumble forward, confused, and you share. If you’re lucky, you learn something.

Arthur Miller

Today I’m feeling:
Half motivated half exhausted.
Today I’m grateful for:
There being little to do at school today so I spent some time drinking coffee and updating my blog. Time flew by and I could’ve stayed for longer but ended up coming home. It’s been more than a month since I spent a whole day at school!
The best thing about today was:
Riding my bike up to the post office and sending a package to Hayden with the printout from my 1979 blog entries. Picking up some fried rice on the way back and enjoying a laid-back afternoon reading, watching YouTube and playing the guitar.
What challenged you today?
Forcing myself to follow the mantra I wrote yesterday, to not be lazy and to do my best usual five minutes exercise. Then to not push myself further and go too hard too quickly. I have to remember that I built up to the stamina I had before and can’t just go straight back into it. With Amy coming soon I need to get this rolling again.

I took this picture because these little cartoons caught my attention as I was reading some blog and I think I can use them with my students in some way.

Both Worlds Paradox – 15th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Beauty fades as knowledge grows
And wisdom comes too late
To understand what the old one knows
As the acceptance of this fate

When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.

Viktor Frankl

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and chilled
Today I’m grateful for:
The lady in the print shop helping me to print out a few things I needed. Some for school but also printouts from my blog which I will send to Hayden.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing reading a couple of books. I love the anticipation of starting a new book, a new journey, new knowledge.
What movies do you need to watch?
This is easy. There are NO movies that I NEED to watch. I have a hard-drive full of movies that I’d like to watch along with many DVDs, Netflix and YouTube. And perhaps, hopefully, one day I will. I may even try it tomorrow, now that it is in my head.

I took this picture because as I was enjoying my walk home this morning I recalled when I did my first exploratory motorbike ride around the village and came down here, where the sign seems to indicate no entry. I sat on my bike undecided whether to go forward or turn back and as I looked around a lady outside the adjacent house called out and waved me through. I soon discovered that everyone used this shortcut and they just didn’t want cars coming through. Today though, I noticed that someone has taken the trouble to re-gravel the track so there are no more puddles and potholes. Wish this had been done before the rainy season.

So It Goes – 29th September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Moulded from broken sticks and mud
Bones wrapped in skin and filled with blood
Then lightning sparked man’s first feeling
And his survival seemed to be appealing

First, they fought over each other’s bread
Dashing rocks upon the head
Next, they fought over bits of dirt
The winners inflicting the most hurt

Then they fought over their beliefs
Despite the meetings of bigger chiefs
Fought and fought, spilt so much blood
Until the last was buried back in the mud

Not everything is something.

?

Today I’m feeling:
Tired but contented.
Today I’m grateful for:
My hammock, where I could enjoy a little cooling breeze as I did some school work and read a little before having a snooze.
The best thing about today was:
Sitting in the chair at the front of the house as the sun set and the sky darkened, as I drank a refreshing lemonade and enjoyed the neutral air on my skin. I sat and savoured this time as it may never happen again.
What three things did I accomplish today?
1. I finished adding attendance records for all my classes for the whole semester even though it was such short notice.
2. I finished reading A Portrait of Shunkin, a strange short story from Japan. It was evocative and provocative. I loved it.
3. I fixed up a little bit more in the garden. I’m too slow to keep it under control but I like to do a little bit here and there.

I took this picture because Anchan wanted more selfies but the main point here is that I was telling my students here about Hayden, as they asked me questions about my family. Yok is the boy sitting opposite me at the back and he was especially curious. He asked when I last saw Hayden and I said it was 3 years ago. Yok wrote (all this was using translation) that he was sorry and that he was rooting for me) and then he asked if I loved Hayden (presumably because it had been so long since seeing him) and I said ‘yes of course.’ Sadly, Yok then told me that his parents don’t care about him at all. I replied in translation ‘your teacher is rooting for you.’

The Diary That Was – 31st December 1979

Perfect Image – 16th May 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Caught in my first impression
Trapped by a spider’s smile
The tail-wagging dog bites
The hand after a while

Escape at the realisation
Is never a pretty sight to behold
Be better to live with the mess
If the truth be told

From Eric Barker’s newsletter:

How do we make love last? A lot of people fear that if they raise issues with their partner it can lead to arguing and that will end the relationship. So they stay silent…

But it is doubleplusungood wrongthink to believe that complaining is a problem. The research shows bottling up actually ends more marriages than arguing. Complaining, in the big picture, is actually a positive – it gets issues out in the open where they can be resolved. What leads to divorce isn’t complaining; it’s criticism.

From Plays Well With Others:

Complaining is actually healthy for a marriage. It’s criticism that predicts divorce. Complaining is when I say you did not take the trash out. Criticism is when I say you did not take the trash out because you’re a horrible person. The first is about an event, the second is about your fundamental personality. To keep your relationship solid, turn your criticisms into complaints. Address the event, not the person.

To say that criticism is bad for a relationship is like saying “The Grand Canyon is kinda big.” True but insufficient. Researcher John Gottman found it was one of four things that predicted divorce 83.3% of the time.

So don’t be afraid to raise that issue — but don’t make it personal. Address the problem, not their character. This leads to conversations that actually make your relationship stronger.

Whilst I’m inclined to agree with the above sentiment, I thought about how this has played out in my life. Another factor that came into play for me was low self-esteem. So that when my partner may have been complaining, I took it personally as criticism. This is particularly what ended my marriage with Bronwyn, along with a whole bunch of other factors that added up to become too much for me to deal with.

I’m much better with this these days but it can still rear its ugly head from time to time, though I’m usually aware of it even if I can’t put my finger on it.

He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.

John Stuart Mill

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see Hayden starting to do some rewarding work this week. I hope it makes him feel fulfilled and happy.

Fatman report

That’s Saying Nothing – 27th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You used a lot of words
To say nothing at all
Asking for some clarity
You raised a higher wall

Fake it until you make it
The megalomaniacal king
The rebels at the ramparts
Protest the hate you bring

The castle you’re living in
Contains a bloodied throne
Surrounded by your leeches
And afraid to be alone

There’s no way to be equal
In the games that you play
If you can’t explain yourself
Then there’s nothing left to say

Most people seek to avoid tedium, pain and any form of adversity. You must choose to move in the opposite direction.

Robert Greene

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to see Amy’s grandmum on her 90th birthday yesterday. She’s going good.

My pen broke yesterday, leaving me penless. I brought one from home today but it doesn’t flow as well. I love a good pen.

After school yesterday, I took Amy to the skin doctor, who gave her a bunch of pills and creams that have previously worked for her, so hopefully will clear her up by Saturday when she leaves.

While I was waiting, I gave Hayden a call and he told me he got his first tattoo, which came as a bit of surprise, though perhaps more surprising that it took him so long. Anyway, it looks cool. Three 5’s on his wrist, which has a special meaning for him and made more so when I told him its meaning of laughing in Thailand. I’d forgotten that it was Australia Day today and he was out with his friends, so we didn’t talk for long.

Got home dog-tired and didn’t make it into my room and tonight we have to attack the termite problem again with more things to try and kill them off.

My Wife’s Performance Review – 18th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday I reviewed the dog
Today I review my wife
I feel her performance
Doesn’t meet the standard for my life

She’s got some goals to reach
And I will keep on poking
Look out, here she comes
No honey, I’m joking! I’m joking!

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the adjustable bracket I bought for my iPad so that I can read laying down flat and looking straight up. I hope this helps a little with my sore neck.

Well, turned up today to find only 4 students come to my first class and none to my second! I guess I would’ve done the same after getting a vaccine and being told you may get sick afterwards. I would definitely be sick!

But, I haven’t let the kids off – I sent them the work I had planned. I expect the good ones to do it. It will help them with their work for next week.

It means I have another full day mooching around so at the moment I’m in 22 Grams as I had to come and collect Amy’s vaccine passport. I will apply for one too next week, now that I know where to go and what to do.

Hayden called me yesterday and seemed pretty upbeat. He’s getting involved in some disability care training, which could be really good for him. Doing good things for other people will definitely improve your own self-worth and esteem.

Amy’s student, Nong Na, will come on Saturday and I will teach/talk with her for half an hour or so. I’ve been thinking about what to do and as I’m writing this, the idea has come forth for her to interview me. Sometimes the act of writing provides the inspiration.

I’m waiting for Central to open in 15 minutes (11 am) to go and double-check the price of the MacBook Air. I’d like to buy it before Amy goes away. My laptop is starting to get very slow and finicky, especially the trackpad. As I mentioned before – it still works though. 12 years use for a laptop is pretty good going!

I already prepared all of next week’s work for classes yesterday, so I can start on 2/9’s future classes with the subjects they’ve chosen. I could probably finish that all this afternoon and, who knows, maybe even tomorrow, students will still be ‘sick’. Then next week I can just sit in cafes and read, write, caffeinate.

Here I am again in another job where there’s hardly any work to do. I’ll motivate myself to improve the quality of my work. Put effort into the common good.

(Later) I made a good decision to go and get a massage. I feel great! Now, I’m back at House for afternoon coffee and I’ll go back to school around 3 pm, as I did yesterday, and eat lunch!