Woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good. Perhaps due to the bowl of veggies and potatoes I ate for lunch yesterday? I should be trying to fill up on veggies whenever I can. A lot of food shops here skimp on them.
Hayden woke me this morning to wish me a happy birthday and he seems in a pretty good state of mind too. There’s hope for the Hemsleys yet!
For lunch, we’ll go to Amy’s parents and I may even indulge in a little alcohol and be prepared to write off tomorrow and maybe even Friday too! I still don’t have the taste for it, though a whiskey for these cooler nights might be OK.
Tag: Hayden
Long Live The King – 21st September 2021
Nicky, you were right
When you said you couldn’t do it
You made so many mistakes
Took your chances and blew it
You knew what was right
But still chose to do what was wrong
Now your houses are burning
And the peasants hail rousing song
Consigned yourself to history
The last of the clan to fall
Your future will be repeated
At the revolution’s final call
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that all our cats are happy and well. Usually, there is one that is sick but let’s hope we can stay like this for a while.
Seems to be some problems with electricity around the city today but I managed to get some amazing coffees in before that. It’s fantastically and eerily quiet – no low hum – just the expected noises of cars going by, people talking and birds cooing.
Ah! It’s back – that low hum from the fans is good, now I’m getting that cool air.
I spoke to Hayden yesterday, he sounded neutral – no real negativity or enthusiasm. I think it’s tough for him during these lockdowns and I hope he doesn’t self-lockdown when things open up again. Like what happened to me when meeting Bronwyn, I hope he one day meets someone who can change his life and move him forward.
Amy and I started watching The Last Czar yesterday and it is impossible not to make comparisons with Thailand. Will there be a similar conclusion one day?
Thoughts Of Mine – 8th September 2021
I spent a lot of time not thinking
And at the time that was OK
Sometimes I fall back into it
Although I’d rather not be that way
The more I know, the less I know
Is what I think all the time
Never ignorant and not much blissful
I question these thoughts of mine
The eternal search for answers
In the minutiae of each minute
No longer wanting to be out of it
I’d rather spend my time within it
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the 2 guys who cleaned my car yesterday. They did a good job and I was happy to pay and tip them.
New pen – 0.4, maybe a little too fine for this book. Perhaps I look forward to another pen shopping expedition. Pen lovers will know the feeling.
I’ve managed to get myself up and out of bed on time successfully for the past three days and do a little exercise in the morning, and it has paid off today with a fantastic feeling of bodily relief. Not quite the feeling of youth but at least some extra flexibility that seems to make it even easier to breathe. Let’s see if I can force myself up tomorrow morning!
I savoured my coffee after my first class this morning. It’s fucking hot and humid bu there was a light refreshing breeze of cool air as I sat outside House stroking Tokyo’s soft furry head as she dozed. A few minutes studying Thai, a couple of quick poems dashed off and then an hour-long drive into the lives of an Afghan girl in the book I’m reading – A Thousand Splendid Suns. It’s a very spacious novel, perhaps enjoyable for me as I can fill in the gaps with my own knowledge. A lot can happen in a short few pages and it feels immense. Especially when I think back to the mundanities of my own youth, a million of those mundanities would happen in just one day. With age, everything seems to take so long!
I bought a MIDI keyboard more than six months ago and I enjoyed fiddling with it for a while but I know that I need to set aside a serious amount of time to really get further with it. Last night I also felt like I’d hit a wall with playing guitar, but that one I feel I can overcome.
I also chatted online with Mungo a little yesterday, too and I talked to him about how he manages being so far away from his oldest kids. His kids seem a bit more settled than Hayden at the moment, so he’s not so concerned with how they are doing.
Anyway, Mungo highlighted to me not to project myself or my feelings onto Hayden, which sometimes is difficult, as he isn’t very open about what is going on with him a lot of the time. But it’s a point well said – I shouldn’t fill in the gaps.
Mungo also offered Hayden a job for a while if he could get himself to the UK. That would be an awesome opportunity for him and I want to sound him out about it. I would help him get there too if he needed.
Yeah – I’m not digging this pen – will pick up a 0.7 tomorrow.
On It’s Way – 6th September 2021
Dragonflies litter my driveway
Drowned in torrential rain
Once happily fluttering about
But never to fly again
Snails are stuck in my driveway
Sudden sun drying all around
Some crushed under my tyres
Their bodies smushed into the ground
As I drive to work this morning
Black clouds are moving away
The roads in front are empty
And the future is on its way
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Hayden for calling me out of the blue yesterday. He sounded in good spirits.
Looking back through my 1979 diary and watching videos of popular songs at that time is really stirring up my memory. I didn’t write much of any importance back at that time and I’m conscious that sometimes writing and photos become the only remaining memories.
With all this looking back though, random memories do keep popping into my mind – soon pushed back in the brain, but there somewhere. Big chunks of time seem to be missing but it’s in there somewhere – going to extract it out like a science fiction comic book operation. Excellent. All the events, all the pieces, mundane or exciting, make me the person writing today.
I’m not putting this together for posterity – will anyone care? Perhaps some sociology student of the future? This is my own exercise in understanding, my own investigation into now by investigating the past.
I was pleasantly surprised by a call from Hayden yesterday evening and he sounded quite bright and chirpy, more so than me; I was still tired, perhaps from the vaccine. Anyway, I hope we can talk more often and I can encourage him to think a bit more and talk to him without any judgement.
Mo No Syll A Bic Man – 31st August 2021
I don’t know what to say
A voice that sounds so dull
I sound like a wet rag
I speak with one syll-a-ble
Dead mouth and dead brain
Down and out, glass not full
Old man, though still young
Speaks in mo-no-syll-a-ble
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for these rice biscuits that the locals make. I can add them to my muesli to give it a sweeter taste.
Cap woke me up in the middle of the night as he wanted to get out of the bedroom. It was difficult for me to get back to sleep properly, instead having wild dreams but also a deep sense of love for Amy. I am ever grateful to be with her.
Hayden is on my mind too. Any discussions we have online just receive a monosyllabic reply from him, often with ‘I don’t know’ as a response. I feel sorrow for him. I hope that under the weed fog, he does know and understand some things but it’s difficult to see him this way.
And after talking with Sharon about her struggles with Kim, I’m starting to think that there’s nothing much I can do. It has to come from himself. I will keep trying to push him in the direction where he can come to those conclusions.
I sometimes feel guilty about how much effort I put into teaching my students compared with the effort I put in with Hayden. I know they are different times but it still rubs. Am I trying to compensate by taking more care with my students? At their age, they are still malleable but Hayden is, unbelievably, 25 now.
My lower back is sore from too much sitting. Need to exercise more but due to a lack of sleep and a dark, grey, cloudy morning, I couldn’t motivate myself to do it. Motivation, motivation. It’s the same for everyone, old and young.
Today will be a good day. Cannot get that Smart Went Crazy song out of my head, which was something else that kept me awake last night!
Bad Neck – 23rd August 2021
Can’t turn my head unless I move my body
Years of abuse made the muscles shoddy
I need a year of massage, it’s so sore
I shouldn’t read books laying down anymore
Tried stretching, exercise, even alt-med
Nothing stops the pain when I get out of bed
More than a hundred doctors to whom I’ve spoken
Won’t tell me the truth, my neck is broken
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the trials of my visa application. It vexes me every year and teaches me again about patience and understanding. It takes me a couple of days to get over the annoyance. That’s today.
Another Monday here again. I’m happy to get back to my classes after missing Friday and enjoy making my students think hard. I feel a little in limbo with 4 or 5 weeks left of term and then dealing with all the usual end of term paperwork nonsense.
Despite enjoying being stuck at home (or school) constantly, I’m starting to feel a little cabin fever. Sometimes going somewhere else makes you appreciate home so much more. I have to learn to have that appreciation all the time, regardless.
We watched an amazing moon rise last night – the halo visible before the moon appearing.
I sent a provocative question to Hayden this morning – ‘six months from now, what will you wish you had spent time on today?’ I answered that I’m thinking that I should help Amy more around the house. Just the simple things that we can do together. Now I am a little lazy about these things and just do them when I feel like it and so I need to make myself feel like it.
I’m guessing Hayden won’t answer this question though. He isn’t comfortable dealing with things in the present and looking to the future. Let’s see – sometimes he surprises me.
Remembered – 18th August 2021
Dull light, half awake, in lucid dreams
Words arose to poem make, remembered as
‘An intimate melody to my ears reached
Through downy feathers, softened so
Was the tune of my fucking alarm clock!’
26th Aug 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge – remember
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to all the people who help keep our electricity supply constant. It is something I had always taken for granted but now that I live in a place where it can be unstable I must remember all those who made it happen and continue to make it happen.
Struggling to savour, I notice. Maybe forgetting how good everything is, or the constant good feeling I seem to have these days, is becoming too normal.
Spent a lazy morning filling in the visa forms and reading, while drinking coffee. Arranged for my morning class to do work ahead of time so that they could skip my class if they wished, which freed me up!
Re-connected with Big Tom, who is still living in Adelaide, though no longer working at DXC – made redundant due to offshoring. Good to chat with him even if only through Twitter messages.
Trying to nail Scarborough Fair on guitar so I can complete the level in Yousician is driving me crazy and torturing my fingers. But never give up! It’s cool to think that by moving some fingers on some strings that nice sounds can emanate.
Looking forward to more Louis XIV tonight and comparing it to our current situation in Thailand. Also, reading about being a ‘good’ Dad and considering how I have lived my life has affected Hayden. He is struggling with addiction and depression, and I can’t help but consider my role in that. He is going to have a difficult time ahead.
Hit The Reward – 23rd July 2021
Hit the dog, hit him hard, make him pay
That’s the lesson every dogging day
Hit the boy, hit him hard, he never learns
The lesson for him is that anger burns
Hit the bottle, hit it hard, that’s your sword
But understanding is based around reward
Hit the road, hit it hard, there’s no return
You lost them all, none shall learn
1st Jun 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for 20 minutes of extra sleep this morning. Usually, I’m awake before my alarm but not today. After resetting it for an extra 20 minutes I went straight back into deep sleep.
I talked with Hayden briefly yesterday. He sounds pretty down with life – not articulating it into words but just in his tone and choice of words. He had nothing to say really as he hasn’t been doing anything except playing video games for the last two months.
Bronwyn is staying at his place in Newcastle at the moment, actually, her house, where I’m guessing he is living rent-free. He says he’s annoyed with her because she doesn’t give him enough space. When I asked him ‘space to do what?’ he just answered ‘space to be himself’. I translate this as ‘space to do nothing.’ Being 25 years old already it shocks me how little he can do for himself.
Bronwyn is a control freak and does everything for him because she can see that every time he tries to do something and fails, he just gives up. Now it seems like he doesn’t even want to try.
I’ve been telling her for several years to cut him off (financially) and let him fend for himself but she can’t bring herself to do it. And now it is super easy to get caught in online loan shark debt too. That boy is going to fall hard one day and I blame myself as much as anyone.
Can I have the key? – 17th July 2020
Wake up at night and clench my jaw when I stretch – stupid. Brain jukebox – Volcano Suns – Medicine Cabinet. What a brain! Five days habit morning – losing a little weight – now steadily under 80 kg – happy with that.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my long-running laptop. It keeps on chugging along.
To-do list
- Awards game all the time – play it!
- Turn the awards game into compliments
- Smile, talk less, listen more
I did play the awards game and turned a couple into compliments (on Friday) but forgot after that – why don’t I remember? Will try again.
Went out with Amy on Friday night and whilst she and everyone else were drinking, I decided not to – knowing what I would feel like on Saturday. Everyone was having a good time but I was super tired and went to the car to rest and listen to music. Despite being uncomfortable in the car I was in a positive mood and turned it into ‘getting to listen to my music’ instead of ‘having to wait for Amy’.
Needless to say, I felt good on Saturday morning and Amy struggled through the day! I even managed to get up early on Sunday and do my 5-minute exercise routine which made me feel great for the rest of the day until about 6 pm when I got tired and went to bed (to read).
I also didn’t eat much this weekend and got back under 79kg again. I want to keep going and burn off the rest of this belly fat.
I spoke to Hayden over the weekend and he sounded much better than before. His speech was clear and his ideas had more clarity too. He said he hasn’t smoked pot for 30 days now. That’s great to hear. I’m so happy to hear him sound more positive at last.
Classes have been going well. The kids are working me out and they make me laugh. I’m not taking things too seriously now – just try to enjoy our time with each other in the class.
It’s nice… it’s my mind that’s off guard – 1st July 2020
Kids come back to school. See how it goes.
Tigger sprays on the floor. No tissue to clean.
Good five-minute warmup workout better than yesterday. Happy – feeling happy a little tired and sleepy but awake if not alert. Some aches from drilling on the weekend. Hurt hurt. Yawn. Did things and doing things – keep going – want to do more. Have things to do at school. No problem.
Enjoying life – reading, music, TV – looking at the stars – the rain – not so much the heat! I can’t stay happy. Amy is happy most of the time. We have our world – we only let the right people in.
Weight: 79.3kg
Resting heart rate: 44
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to do any work this morning even though the kids are back at school. I offered to do something but was told it was ok.
To-do list
- Compliment – savour – positive wishes ✅
- Post more TCRAH to blog ✅
- Finish and audio and video ✅
- Record more blog entries to catch up ✅
It was weird to have students around the school again but it was good to see some of my old students and they seemed happy to see me again. Lots of students showed their love for George and were very happy.
We ended up not doing anything again today and George thought we could get out for coffee if we really wanted to but I didn’t think that was such a good idea. I also offered myself to help with Teacher Champ but he said not to worry.
Anyway – I managed to cross off all my tasks today – reminding myself about complimenting people – JJ and Sheena.
I savoured my lunch as usual – but I put more effort into it. I also offered private best wishes to everyone though I could have thought to do that whilst stuck in traffic trying to get out of school. It took me an hour to get home today whereas it normally takes 20 minutes.
So, first day is done and we can relax into whatever it is that we end up doing. It’s good that there doesn’t seem to be much pressure on us even when we will have to teach. The environment here is very good so far.
I have been doing very short workouts in the morning, along with meditating, writing and language learning – all before going to work. It feels good to have achieved those things early in the day and it seems like they are having a beneficial effect on my thoughts.
Bronwyn told me that Hayden isn’t doing too well today. I didn’t have chance to call him during the day and he didn’t pick up when I tried when I got home. I hope he’s ok and pulls through all this.
Tomorrow, I have to renew my visa and not expecting any problems this time. It should be another simple enough day and anyway, I think I’m prepared for anything else that comes my way.
1994ever 