Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment
Today I’m grateful for: The cookie I ate at House with my lunchtime coffee. It wasn’t particularly tasty or big but somehow it staved off any afternoon hunger so I ended up only needing yoghurt for dinner. The best thing about today was: Being able to talk to different students on a more personal level about more serious topics such as behaviour and respect. Even with the difficulties we have in communicating I feel as if I have their confidence in some ways.
I took this picture because I’d never seen the light on the lower mountains like this before. The sun was only just over the horizon to the east.
On the eve of Valentine’s Day When she woke from a comfortable sleep She had dreamed a dream of killing him An ex that had never gone deep
Then she started to question herself As this feeling disturbed her so What was the meaning of this dream? Was what she wanted to know
Why are my insides twisted into knots? Am I in control here or is my anxiety?
Who is in control here? What principles are guiding me?
Ryan Holiday, Daily Stoic
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my house where I can have guests here without any real problems. Everything is here for them.
Busy and lazy days since last writing. Yesterday I took the day off work, calling in sick and I actually was sick on Sunday night after eating the last of my potato bake that had obviously gone off! I threw it up and felt much better but went to sleep very soon after.
Monday, Valentine’s Day, was graduation day for Fern, Aing, Gus, Nu and Mink. I met Mink in the early afternoon and remember how much I like him because he is always thoughtful. I asked him what he’d been doing in Bangkok and he said he had just quit his first job because every day he would go to work and end up asking himself ‘what am I doing here?’ I told that will probably happen many times in his life. At least he’s smart enough to figure out how to make changes.
I bumped into Fern at Utopia but we didn’t get chance to meet again and she flew home to Hat Yai in the evening. I spent most of the time with Aing’s brother and friend and then the rest of the family arrived with Now. Aing showed up after about an hour and many photographs were taken.
I could feel the general celebration in the air though it still confuses me a little. The student’s courses had all finished over a year ago – that to me is the time to celebrate – and I’m sure they all did at that time too. But for this event, families travel all over the country just to be here for a couple of hours as their kids receive their pieces of paper. Someone in Aing’s family had made matching T-shirts for everyone to wear. They had a picture of Aing’s face and then some text along the lines of ‘tuition fees = 25,000 – what she told her parents = 37,000’. Well played!
At school today, hence writing here in my down time. I’m definitely not as motivated to write here when I’m at home, which tells me where I would rather be! This morning, I taught 2/9 the lesson I put together about sexual abuse and they all understood the message but the girls were more thoughtful and mature about the topic, whilst the boys were still a little embarrassed about anything to do with sex.
It was interesting that afterwards some of the students talked about others who had committed suicide after being shamed and another who, just that weekend, had been asked by a friend to send nude pics and then sent her an unwanted dick pic. She asked me for advice about what to do. I told her that she could tell him that it is not the type of behaviour that a friend would do, especially unsolicited.
I found out that sports day is this Thursday and Friday and at lunch time I found out that tomorrow is a holiday. So – no more teaching for the week! It also seems to be only three weeks until the kids finish and there’s also a couple of days with no classes in there somewhere too.
I’m curious if I will be recontracted here next semester. I hope so but I can also see that the class sizes are making it difficult to keep everyone engaged. I might have to do some research on how to keep classes like that busy somehow. Or just submit myself to teaching little in each class.
For things that tremble as if they were mad For suckling pigs and mermaids that emperors had Any grunt and squeal from a secret dictionary Must define the world in words less ordinary
I am so happy and grateful for this island in our dining room where I’m now sitting. I can remember when it was being built – I can remember when it didn’t exist and now we use it all the time for eating, writing and preparing food.
I am so happy and grateful that I was able to watch the football on my iPad while swinging in a hammock under the shade of our trees yesterday. I’m also grateful Kim Chi was looking around cautiously and as I followed her eyes saw she was looking at a 2-metre cobra just a couple of feet away from where I was hanging. I chased it away.
After one day back at school on Friday – which I felt good about – we have Monday off for some public holiday or other. Thailand sure has a lot of holidays – can’t complain.
I’ve been busy working on this blog – where this hand-written entry will end up one day in the future (today is 3rd March 2025 as I transfer this from book to blog).
I’ve chatted briefly with other friends on chat apps and that has helped keep me a little grounded. Although nothing much in depth, it seems to help somewhat – just in knowing that there are people out there vaguely interested in my life.
I’m still a little unsettled at the moment, about the long term future and it’s effected me and my man cave – somehow, I don’t feel quite comfortable in here at the moment and I’m always wondering about moving things around to make them more like my teenage room – make it more like a pigsty – the pit, as such. Seems a stupid thing to be writing about, but it’s in my mind for some reason.
I think maybe I don’t feel quite relaxed – I’d like to be able to leave things outside, on the terrace, but the roof is still prone to leaks, and the wildlife here invades everything. We still have an idea to build a house in the city, next to Amy’s mum’s. I’m not that keen on the location, but it may solve some of these issues.
Haha – damn! Build a house to solve a trivial problem!
We all have to start somewhere. I was always interested in art at school because it appealed to the part of my brain that could utilise imagination rather than drier subjects that required adherence to some sort of order. Weirdly I did well enough in those subjects though. Anyway, art just felt like the easy pass.
Of course, painting wine bottles and flowers didn’t really appeal and I wasn’t mature enough or my imagination broad enough to conjure anything worthwhile. I think I actually ended up doing more artistic things at home more than in class. Two pieces particularly stick in my mind and I don’t recall doing either at school. My most prominent memory of my three years of art class was finishing off a bottle of vodka and leaving the bottle in the classroom for other people to draw in the future. That was first year of high school – we were 13 years old. 1980 or 1981.
Like the other times I’ve had to draw on my education, such as Maths and English tests when applying to University, I’ve been able to dig deep into my memory and apply myself somehow. So, now I’m sketching when I have the chance and I’m digging into those art lessons I honestly don’t remember anything. What I learned about perspective I got when studying photography back about 12 years ago and watching YouTube videos about pavement artists and force perspectives.
Now, what I really learned, and learned from punk rock and my mother, is about just doing it. Getting on and doing it. When I look at these sketches again I can see the imperfections, the incorrect spacing etc. But when I look with kindness I think, wow, that’s pretty good (for me!).
Rather than set my expectation too high and demand perfection or failure, I choose the middle ground. Do it, finish, move on.
These sketches are from my morning coffee spot, House. My enjoyment with these was due to the very strong perspective of all the straight lines in the room.
First sketch
After making each drawing I gave them to Guey, the owner, and, if working from a photo I took, deleted the photo so all I end up with is a digital file of my sketch. I will do the sketch within 30 minutes, not as a rule but more that I have found the feel and if I went any further I would be getting down into detail that would take it beyond a sketch. Through these 3 sketches (over 3 or 4 days) I could feel improvement each time and they made me really happy and gave me a small sense of achievement.
Second sketch
When I find some more free time and inspiration I will do more but I think I’m done with House now, though they have a cute dog and a challenging garden that would be fun to draw. Hmm….ok – tomorrow!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I have been able to continue this gratitude journal app every day for more than a year now. I will switch to writing in a diary from now. I am so happy and grateful for the unusual big rain today and the fact that our roof holes that I plugged have held up fairly well – just a few leaks. Our plants will be happy for some water.
The best thing that happened today was being able to read whilst eating my lunch. I was late to eat so there was no one else around.
Other little nice things included many students being smiley and happy with me and trying to communicate as much as they could.
There’s a big storm hanging around today and there’s been a lot of rain. It’s funny – the dull drabness of the sky reminds me of England. Here it is a nice interlude to sunny warm days. In England, it would feel much more oppressive as those days would last for weeks on end.
I am so happy and grateful for all the future dreams I have ever had and achieved. I am hopeful for the future now, for myself and the people around me. I hope that the people within my sphere of influence can learn something from me and my story.
No electricity or water at school today so that was a bit of a challenge. In some ways it meant taking pressure off – because it was a different working space to usual, I relaxed and adopted and luckily the students were willing to enjoy this freedom without exploiting it.
I sat and helped Dew a lot in his class – the work was easy for the others so it meant I could try and help him more – rather than getting upset with him for disrupting the class.
The best thing about today was drinking four fantastic cups of coffee, whilst reading Dostoevsky and thinking about sketching. I’m enjoying sketching at House and just giving the sketch to them. I take a photo first.
These past two days I have been reading more and ignoring my phone.
Week off morning routine – get back into it. Heavy breathing – work, tired body. Looking good – but not where I want to be yet. Turn fat into muscle. Little by little – as I taught the kids.
Sleep easy – alarm surprised. What dreams – I don’t know.
Today today today – easy day, so fill it. Get ready for Ellen’s students again. Have no desire to do it – so I will do it – push through. But do it well. I know the hardest step is just starting again – and I’m not afraid.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my full free day yesterday. I enjoyed it so much. Running around the garden with Baimon, listening to Alice Donut whilst looking through old photos, writing in my journal, reading comics and playing Xbox. Lazy and fun day which has made me feel very happy.
I pulled myself out of bed and forced myself back into my morning routine, including 10 burpees, which I was contemplating skipping. I also had time to write morning pages though they still couldn’t quiet my brain during meditation. Maybe tomorrow I will switch back to sitting up to meditate.
The result of this effort was a day of weird happiness and joy that I couldn’t help feeling. So, the best thing that happened?
On several occasions when I was communicating with students I felt a better understanding despite difficulties in verbal communication – a more common bond – it made me feel good.
I did a sketch of House and will try to do some more. I read some Dostoevsky which was very meaningful and marked certain parts – something I’ve always forgotten to do before! I’ve bounced back from my cold – and now Amy has it instead.
I also did a quick video call with a new student that I will start teaching online tomorrow.
I am so happy and grateful for all the lovely plants we have growing in our house. Plants help make a house into a home and I feel like this is home.
To-do list
Awards awards awards ½
Push yourself to workout on weekends
Compliment everything
A random act of kindness
Draw something again in the next few days
Well, that was not very successful with this list. After a picnic and party with George, Bee and Dylan (and Amy, of course) on Monday, I was too hungover on Tuesday to do anything that required much thinking. So I’m back on it today (Wednesday).
I realise how much drinking takes it out of me – interrupts my plans. It’s fun to be drunk sometimes but I’m finding it worth less and less. I prefer the happy high of life and living. I’m still pushing myself but finding myself more focused now.
I spent a good 6-8 months reading and researching many different ideas about thinking and being. I’ve trimmed this down a lot now – having understood much of the content and advice. Now I’m doing less thinking about thinking and slowly turning this into action and habit. Still working towards a better life for myself.
Happily, I was successfully accepted for the CELTA course in Chiang Mai, though I need to brush up on my grammar skills considerably! The interviewer made me feel very comfortable despite my lack of knowledge and I actually felt that, yes, I could do this!
Also got word of a position available at the university close to our house (Mae Fah Luang) which I will apply for, though the timing may not be right as applications close at the end of March and I won’t have a certificate (assuming I pass) until the end of May. Will apply anyway, it is Amy’s old University colleague who manages the English department there so that may be a benefit at least. He said if it doesn’t work out he will direct students to me for private tuition in the meantime.
Last night my housemates took me out for a farewell dinner. Bram drove the Volvo and Katrina and I made fun of him because he couldn’t hear his brakes screeching because he has lost hearing in that range. I thought he was just pulling our leg at first but seems he was telling the truth. I hope my hearing holds out a while longer – there’s still too much music in the world to enjoy.
We went to a dinky Chinese diner in Chinatown and ordered a big stack of food, including my favourite fish in boiling chilli oil with Sichuan pepper. Not quite enough chilli and pepper for my taste but still a fantastic eat and half the price of some other places.
I noticed the staff putting flowers in the bags for Uber Eats deliveries so at the end of the meal I asked one of the staff if we could have one and I gave it to Katrina who was suitably embarrassed and happy to receive. Bram laughed too and said I was showing him up. I like this couple and hope they can achieve their dreams for the future.
For Bram that involves a 3-month motorcycle trip through India (and possibly Thailand, Myanmar, Malaysia and Singapore – though it’s looking like he may not be able to afford that now). For Katrina, it means getting her permanent residency in Australia and then saving to build a couple of container style apartments on her grandmother’s land near Shengzhou (with Bram’s help). Apparently famous for it bamboo forests, as seen in popular Chinese dramatic cinema in the west, pictures look especially magical when it snows in winter.
We both invited each other to visit what will be our new homes.
After a few days lull, our house is going gangbusters today with the perimeter fence going in, the electricity being hooked up, ceilings being primed and pond being finished off concreted. Things seem to be coming together very well.
Today, though, I woke up in a slight funk. Possibly from the two beers I had with dinner last night, the first since the end of September last year. Last night’s chilli has also assisted in processing the last few days codeine constipation. Codeine is nice – I can see why it becomes addictive.
After today updates will become a little less often though I’ll still try for daily. I’ve lined up a few entries from 1994 (until the end of March) and want to try and get ahead with those if I can – they are a pain in the ass to re-write and it was a perfect situation to be able to do that at my job.
It’s stinking hot here in Adelaide and super dry today. Tomorrow I fly to Brisbane to meet with my son. His mum has booked us an apartment in Fortitude Valley for the weekend for which we are both very thankful. It’s been about six months since I’ve seen Hayden and probably will be another six before I see him again, assuming he’ll have time to come visit me in Thailand.
I’ll go and finish off that big book that will be too heavy to take with me. Already threw out jeans and dinner jacket and some other stuff I wanted to take. So maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze in a box of Australian wine to bring to Amy.
4th Nov 2023 – Malt Whisky is about the only alcoholic drink I might still enjoy these days. The problem is that it’s just too hot all the time in Thailand. Gui at House was playing an ASMR video of Scotland whilst I was there yesterday and my taste buds were whetted by a drone flyover of the Glenfiddich Distillery, which looked cold, green and wet. The perfect environment for a single malt.
1994ever 