Bare Hearts – 7th January 2024

Running barefoot along the beaches
A meditation and reflection unspoken
The past master no longer teaches
To prepare for the bare hearts broken

Knowing everything and nothing too
Knowing that something must be learned
As bare feet and bare hearts must do
The future must be earned

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions
21st Jun 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge


Today I’m feeling:

Tired, relaxed and lazy again.  Today is a repeat episode of yesterday pretty much.  Not excited, not unhappy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The cake that Amy came back with at lunchtime, presumably from Nong Oh who she was out with.  A light chiffon with cashews in a thick caramel topping.  It was nice in that it didn’t taste as sweet as it looked.

The best thing about today was:

Cleaning up the last pile of junk on the floor of my room.  There is stuff there that is inspiring me to think of new lesson plans so I hung on to quite a bit of it.  The floor is clear but I still need to go through the stuff on the shelves and that will mean more inspiration and ideas and then a concern about lack of time to execute all those ideas.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

In the scheme of things, I did very little today.  If there was anything out of my control then it had no lasting resonance with my memory.

Something I learned today?

From watching the interview with Nathan Rich I discovered that you can inject whisky into your veins and get drunk from it.  I mean, it makes sense but it seems like a stupid thing to do when you can just drink the stuff! 

That guy has certainly had an interesting life and we share a weird connection in that we both got into computing as a way to raise ourselves up in the world (and both into punk and then with interests in China).

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Today was all about Amy and being sympathetic to her situation with the unfolding drama therein.

Was the killing of hundreds of hairy worms on the avocado tree a good or vile act?

Tell about something you love doing that you’re terrible at. And tell about something you really do not like doing that you’re great at.

For the former, I guess it would be playing guitar, though I don’t really think that I am terrible.  I’m just not good.

For the latter maybe Maths, though again, I wouldn’t say that I was great at it either.  In fact, if I think about it I actually like learning about Maths but have an aversion to it because of a long-held hatred of my high school Maths teacher.

Even then, I’m over it (I should be because it was 40 years ago!) so I need to think of something else here.

It’s tough. I don’t consider myself particularly great at anything and at my age now I’m not really doing anything that I don’t like doing anymore.

I took this picture because this pup is cute and loves me.

This Word We Wield – 21st August 2023

In my darkest hours of despair
I was thankful that you were there
You magnified joy through your lens
You are one of my closest friends

I’m careful how I wield this word
Sometimes I’ve embraced the absurd
Finding that words can be deceiving
Learned all about sadness and grieving

But you were the pulsebeat beneath
My task of living and my belief
As time saw me leaving friends behind
I take the lessons from all I find

Recreating friendships to maintain my health
My bestest friend has been myself


Today I’m feeling:

Calm and relaxed after an ab and chest session on waking. Spent all morning uploading blog entries, drinking coffee and figured some new work for my one-hour classes these next couple of days. Feeling good and positive.

Today I’m grateful for:

Justin Pearson interviewed John Reis on the Cult and Culture podcast talking about his music and friendship with singer Rick Froberg who passed away recently. His death didn’t hit me particularly as now more and more people I admire are passing away. The scary thing is that he was the same age as me and it was sudden and unexpected.

The best thing about today was:

My one-hour class that was so easy. I feel like I haven’t been to work at all. No fuss no bother, the kids did what I asked, they did it reasonably quietly and in time. It didn’t require much thought on their part but it sets something up nicely for their class tomorrow which will require some thought.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I went to immigration and waited ten minutes until they were due back from lunch but then waited a further ten minutes before having to leave to go back to do my class. I’ll do it tomorrow after my first class. No wukkas.

Something I learned today?

I found out that after the half day that we have this coming Thursday, there will be another next Wednesday too, as it will be ‘art day’.  Also, it’s possible that students finish the semester on the 8th or 15th of September, which is only 3 or 4 more weeks! Awesome!

What have I learned from the passage of time?

I’ve learned much, remember less and as the quote today alludes to, also learned little. But that’s not going to stop me. I’m here to grow, I’m here to work, here to do my job of living.

Quote: The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. – Socrates

Relatively, of course. I mean, I know my name. 

I do dislike folks who talk as if they know everything, too sure of themselves that they only see what confirms their beliefs. It’s one of the reasons to ‘not read the comments’ – something I need to remind myself of more often.

So I am not one of these people who talks as if they know everything. Even of the things I know, I’m unsure. I was an ‘expert’ in IT for a bit, but now I am clueless. I used to make 100+ coffees a day as a barista, but now I don’t know if I could even make myself a half-decent cup. I was on top of the goings-on in the Chinese music scene and now I barely know anyone involved. 

Everything I knew before doesn’t matter now, meaning that in reality, it didn’t matter then either. 

It was just my interest. 

No one cares that I released the last two Trumans Water albums on CD because Trumans are not as well known as they were in the 90s and no one wants CDs these days. 

But I did that. That counts in my own tally of value at the end of the day.

I took this picture because Gui’s mum let Tokyo off her chain as she kept barking at the people in the garden who were cutting trees. When she got bored she came into the shop and lay down like this. Luckily no other customers came at this time.

Paycheck to paycheck, living for what? Every night I get drunk to get sunk – 11th February 2020

The continuum of Problem-solving:

You solve the visible problem.

You solve the problem that caused the visible problem.

You avoid the problem.

When solving visible problems, it’s easy to signal value creation to others. If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place. Instead, everyone thinks you’re indispensable because you’re so busy solving problems.

As you move toward avoiding problems before they happen, visibility decreases. Explaining what you do all day becomes harder and more subjective. Rewarding people for something that didn’t happen is very difficult. Thus, it becomes risky for the employee to avoid problems.

From Farnam Street’s Brain Food Newsletter

“If you work in a large organization with a regular paycheck, few people ask if the problems should exist in the first place.” Reading this took me right back to my old IT office job.

I really loved that job when I first started. It was overlooking Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. I worked my ass off to learn as quickly as I could. Years later I was rewarded with a technical administration position, which was better than it sounds.

It was a steep learning curve which involved a lot of testing, installations, maintenance, programming and 24 hour support. The product was a top of the range piece of software. It had just turned the year 2000 and money was flowing freely through the institutions that were supported. Work was interesting and fun.

Slowly, money started to dry up and upgrades were delayed. Often the users would demand it whilst their finance departments would not agree to pay for it. These battles went on consistently for about a decade. During that time all that I needed to do was to make sure the thing kept running. My typical work day could be over after 5 minutes of checking emails. So I made good use of the super fast internet, the office supplies and the printers.

Eventually they started replacing the product I was supporting with a cheaper alternative. Of course users complained because now their minor problems were turning into major problems. To save money, costed money. But it was more cost effective for my employer to pay penalties to the customer for fuckups than it was ensure the fuckups didn’t happen in the first place.

Eventually, after 13 years of arguing for better planning and products, sitting quietly doing my own things on company time, I was made redundant. It was an amazing relief to be honest, and it changed the course of my life. Much for the better, I like to think.

Now, wherever I am working, I can see the same redundant systems in place. The ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra hasn’t managed to infiltrate everywhere as yet.

It won’t work,
Won’t work no more….

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our beautiful house. It feels like a home.

I am so happy and grateful to make friends with these puppies, even though they ate my shoes.

To-do list

  • Reply to Kieran ½
  • Catch up with Stoa and Daily Stoic ✅
  • Search more about TOEFL for Bruce ✅
  • Write a blog entry ✅
  • Get more CD cases finished! All? ½

An easy two-lesson day that could have been easily disrupted when I was told I could no longer use the library so I had to think quickly about new lessons which wasn’t too stressful.

I was pretty quiet today, still a bit tired from the weekend. I even lost my wallet at one stage but that didn’t phase me and I figured where it may have fallen out of my pocket and sure enough they had found it in the cafe. That’s the first time I have ever lost my wallet or anything out of my pockets. That’s a pretty good record but hopefully not a sign of things to come.

Things I could have improved on would be to not join in when other teachers are complaining. I don’t do it too much but it’s easy to fall into it.

I feel like I got a lot done today but still like I have a lot to do. None of these things are essential but one I do have to start getting on top of is the WDS tour so I’ll get back on to that tomorrow. I also start teaching Bruce online again so that will be a bit of extra cash coming in too.

I got buckets full of time, I got nothing but time – 26th May 2018

“Time is such a deceiver.”

So, it’s been a while.  Who knows where the time goes? That was the original tagline but I got sucked in by the Leaving Trains instead.  In fact, there’s any number of songs that could be quoted for this post because… it’s been a while!

After the mad rush of Songkran, sobriety took hold out of necessity.  It wasn’t that I wouldn’t like to have had a drink it’s just that there wasn’t time.

I was secreted off to a rural location on the outskirts of Chiang Mai for a month of intense training in the arts of teaching English (CELTA – look it up).  Of course, being entirely ignorant of the subject, beyond speaking it for the past 49 years or so, I arrived early to get a little refresher on the witchery that is English grammar.  It was not nearly enough preparation.

I had been put to sleep many a time whilst opening a grammar book or watching videos on the subject.  Luckily we had a teacher who was a female version of my old pal back in Southampton, Rob Callen.  She was precise and accurate and even modelled some of the lessons that we would end up learning in the coming weeks, without realising it of course.

So, I said we.  I was joined by Tom, a recently retired American looking to support himself a little beyond what the pension there pays so he could spend six months living in his new house in Portugal.  Tom was also from an IT background so we bonded quickly enough around the bullshit that that involves.  We were both concerned about our abilities to be able to complete the course, knowing how intense we heard it would be.  Along with us was Victoria, from London, whose grammar knowledge shone in comparison.  Mid-30s, deciding on her future possibilities, whilst travelling to vacations and friends’ weddings around the world, she was a bright and bubbly counter to the two old blokes.

And so it was for the first 3 or 4 nights as we did a couple of days of grammar refreshing, in which I was mostly bewildered but also provoked.  English grammar does seem like the kind of thing I could get deep into and become the ‘grammar nazi’ amongst my friends.  Though considering we are about to learn how to teach English as a second language in a foreign country though, my relaxed attitude is more inclined to take precedence.

20180419_090056
Location, location…..

Our facility is structured like a resort hotel.   There are teaching rooms, a reception and a restaurant.  More importantly, our personal rooms are cleaned daily, there’s a laundry service and outside my balcony, there is a 50-metre swimming pool.  Oh yeah, there’s aircon too.  For some reason, the keycard in my room didn’t work properly so the aircon stayed on even when I wasn’t there.  What a blessing.

20180518_122242

With no pressure and performance ratings around the grammar refresher – we studied, we learned, we swam and we ate.  It was the calm before the storm.  Our little world was about to be shattered when all the other students would arrive.

And talking of storms.  One arrived about five minutes after I made it to my room on that first day.  There was a lot of damage to the surrounding gardens and it took the internet out for a while too.  Both storms and internet outages would become regular occurrences during my time there.

I guess the grammar refresher paid off a little as I can recognise myself switching in and out of different tenses as I write this but they seem to make more sense to me as I write them.

Anyway, the quiet was broken as other students started arriving, as well as our teachers too.  And this is where things sometimes got confusing as we were students, and we would be teachers so we had students as well.  On top of all the learning our brains were being jammed with, it was sometimes confusing to be calling home and talking about teachers (teaching us), teachers (us), teachers studying (many people on the course were already teachers), students (us) and students (who we were teaching)!

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Confused? You will be!  In the next episode of….. (Prizes for knowing where this quote comes from*)

* there are no prizes.

Who are you and why am I here? Adelaide – 7th January 2018

In the great British tradition of 2000AD, I’ll try and use song titles and lyrics for all post titles.  The previous post was from the Subhumans and this one is from Void.  I can hum them to you.  I often think about this lyric when I’m in situations deserving of its use.  One time I shouted it out whilst Huggy Bear were playing a show at the Joiners in Southampton, UK.  It was a little unfair and the band were excellent.  But they looked so angry and upset with everything that I began to question their screaming.  Better to hand out lyric sheets and/or talk to the audience in between songs.  Maybe they did this, I don’t recall.  I was more than likely drunk too.  It was quite common.

Through some twisting and plotting, I have found myself in Adelaide.  I have been here for 4 months now, with about 10 weeks to go before I exit.  It is unlikely that I will ever come back though I have grown accustomed to the quirks of this little city.  Occasionally I even enjoy it here.

The precarious nature of IT work has led me here.  I was re-employed by my old employer in Sydney, who will remain nameless, and I’m sure at some point soon will likely become nameless too.  When I was re-hired I spent about a month doing nothing whilst accesses were being requested and approved.  Soon after I quickly learned everything I needed to know, which was very little indeed.  The pervading atmosphere in the office was overwhelmingly negative due to constant re-structuring of offices and jobs moving overseas to cheaper countries.  I saw no reason to pursue any kind of career here again and, in fact when I had previously been retrenched from this company I had sworn off ever doing this type of work again.  I became a barista soon after that – an immensely rewarding job and proof that after 18 years in one industry, there were still other options available to me.  However, I got word of this new position and it made sense at the time to re-introduce myself to office life.  I’m sure in many jobs that work is rewarding and innovative but those two adjectives had long left this company in everything except their promotional literature.

So it was, my wife Amy and I worked hard and saved money and made a plan to move to Chiang Rai in Thailand – her hometown.  After having travelled extensively in Asia I have dreamed of living there and Chiang Rai is of a similar size to the small town I grew up in in England.  It also felt like time to leave the fresh high-rises and high rising rents of Sydney, where we had considered starting our own business but thought that the risk was too much.  It’s probable we would have been successful but the risk of failure would have meant losing everything.  With the money we had saved, we could build a house and start some small simple business in Thailand.  We even toyed with the idea of growing and selling our own fruit and vegetables and generally taking it easy.  That was the dream!  The simple life.  Let’s aim for it anyway.

After a year or so the restructuring at the company meant the job I was employed to do was going to move to Adelaide.  By this time we had worked out our plan of action and this sudden change threw a slight spanner in the works.  In August 2017 we had planned to relocate Amy and everything we owned, including our 2 cats, back to Chiang Rai.  I would continue working and saving as much as possible until it was deemed I had enough money to give us a comfortable cushion to survive on.  Amy and the cats would live with her parents whilst she employed someone to build our house.

With the sudden announcement of the restructure I thought, fuck it, I might as well leave now too and head to Thailand too.  Sometimes it’s better just to jump right in rather than think about things too much.  The other possibility, and the one we ended up doing, was if there was a chance for me to relocate to Adelaide and continue earning some precious Aussie dollars.  In the end, it was an easy sell.  I got a two week holiday of sorts in Thailand before returning to Sydney and driving myself across the map to Adelaide.

The new plan was to work until the house was built and then pack up and go.  Leaving Amy in Thailand wasn’t too much of an emotional problem until we had to say goodbye at the airport.  Luckily, just as her lip was starting to tremble and a tear was forming in my eye, she forced herself to turn around and walk away. I felt honoured and relieved.  To have such an impact on someone’s life is an honour.  The relief is that we are usually pragmatic people and that we would continue to be, knowing that we could survive this temporary adjustment.  So off I strode looking forward to reading books on the journey ‘home’.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, as the case may be, as I have gotten older I have found it possible to sleep on aeroplanes and not much reading was done.  Occasional pangs of grief struck me too.  Although extremely used to being alone and having gained much self-confidence, I found myself unsure of myself for brief moments.  The business of sorting things out soon distracted me further though.  The ease of communication these days also helps significantly.  Anyway, I was about to embark on an adventure.

After staying a couple of nights at a friend’s house I was taking my time driving across this part of Australia.  Four days for what can be done in one if you push it.  But what’s the hurry?  I enjoyed the journey although there was little to see for much of the way.  I guess that made it a little more special when there was something to see, such as a river or fields of flowering crops.  I blasted the stereo as I blasted the car not always realising I was hitting 140 km/h on the long straight roads everywhere.  I rarely needed a map as there were so few options for deviation.  I stayed in a couple of provincial towns along the way and they would likely be the option we choose should we return to Australia later in life.  Finally, I closed in on Adelaide.

I had never been to Adelaide before and hadn’t been given much idea of what to expect.  I had been told that I would love it and that there was much less traffic than Sydney.  That all sounded positive.

I had pre-booked a room at a caravan park near my new office.  Although the company would have paid for it, I didn’t need any fancy hotel to stay in when I got here.  The room was fine, though had no windows at all and just clean brick walls.  The upside of this was that it encouraged me to find a shared place to live as quickly as possible.  I headed to the office on the day after I arrived and got acquainted with my new work environment, which I quickly learned was the same as the old.  In fact, I later discovered that this new place was even more dysfunctional than my old one.  I was able to react positively to this though because I had nothing really invested.  They (the company) needed me more than I needed them.

The work I do is shift based.  Two days, then two nights, followed by four days off, which usually turns out to be 3 days off because the day after the last night shift is usually wandered through in a zombie-like daze.  Sleep is erratic and can last for one hour to 18 hours and by the time you are recovered it’s back to work.

Suburban Adelaide

The difference between Sydney and Adelaide is significant.  I was mystified to find shops closed in the evening and on Sundays or Mondays in Adelaide.  The lack of decent coffee was also a struggle.  Again, the situation actually benefits me well as I am trying to save as much money as possible and don’t want to be spending my time trying to make new acquaintances and using money that that can involve too.  I’ll just sit here, go to work, read books and save money.

Unbelievably, I have stopped drinking for now too.  Adding alcohol on top of shift work really messes you around so taking this opportunity to dry up for a while.  This will definitely not last once I’m in Thailand, though I’m hoping to at least minimize the caffeine addiction as a balance.

I lay in bed slipping in and out of consciousness and thrill to marvellous ideas I have to write about here.  Mostly forgotten by the time I am awake and sitting somewhere to write this.

 

Re: Memory – 15th February 1999

Email with TLJ

TLJ: : ok, so here’s what I think. I think that it is trying to read the files because I specified for it to auto detect the log file format.

S: So, if you turn that function off – is it OK?

TLJ: – once it detects it (say by running a report or if you specify log file format) then it seems ok. Also, if you select auto detect the log file format, then it takes 12 log files (4085Kb), but when i put in the 13th (4537Kb) it started using all the CPU.

S: Any ideas why – is it the number of files or the accumulated size?

TLJ: Proud of my research and troubleshooting skills?

S: Of course – I never doubted you babe. How are the others though – the ones who count.

Webtrends (again) – 12th February 1999

Email with TLJ:

S: Just a reminder about things to check today. Get the IP addresses and computer names of your machine, chris’s and the machine where you’ve installed WebTrends – oh and the intranet and internet servers would be good too. If you can find out which domains the machines are members of too (just NT), then cool. Also which domains they are actually logged on to. Check all the things that were in my last email. Check the size of the log files, do you still have the old log files you used on your machine – try using them on the one where you just installed WebTrends. Can you take the WT machine off the network? ie pull the cable out and log on locally – this might just rule out the machine doing some extra things on the network that is affecting the CPU. Try uninstalling the version of WT you have on your machine and install it again – see if it works – see if it still works OK on your machine. It does work on NT I guess? When you start Web Trends see which processes start at the same time in Task Manager. Hope you are feeling OK about work today. I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday – I bet everyone is really nice to you today. Just be confident that you are doing a good job. I believe in you – now, you start believing in you.

TLJ: I’m really upset – I tried to check out that awesome cyber card you sent me, cause i got the email about it on the 3rd feb, which said the cards are kept for 7 days – only now I can’t get it. It can’t find it. Please send me another one.
please?
oh, and i forgot to tell you that dad and kath were on a current affair last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell you about it later

Access – 9th February 1999

Email with TLJ:

S: Hey TLJ!!!
Wanted to talk more to you last night – I hope you went to bed after talking to me but I bet you stayed up longer, didn’t you????
I read some more of Kid Eternity – excellent read – I wonder if you will ever try and read a good story in the comic book form? A good story is a good story right?
Anyway – still not sure if I’m coming down today – I can’t get in touch with anyone – it doesn’t look good for today I’m afraid.
Hope you are having a fabulous time – I think I’ll call you soon…..
I may have to go back to the podiatrist again as my knee is hurting again…..oh well.
Love to you angel boy

T: Oi, I’m having trouble running WebTrends on our NT Servers – it uses up 100% CPU most of the time, and doesn’t respond.

S: What were you doing just before this? Does it run at 100% as soon as you open it or did you kick off some process first?

T: I don’t know what the problem is – I don’t know whether it has to load log files which are held on another machine

S: Which machine? The Intranet Web Server? Is the file in use? Does the user who is logged on have permission to access the log files? You are definitely pointing to the right place?

T: – I’ve mapped a drive to a zip drive somewhere else, but i don’t see why this should be a problem.

S: Is the zip drive doing any I/O that you can see – if it is then it’s a reasonable assumption you have access to the files and it could just be taking a long time. Why are the files on a zip disk? Why not on a hard drive somewhere?

T: Any ideas? Should I try troubleshooting?????????????????

S: Yes! that’s what you will be doing…

T: Just trying to use that term that you taught me.

S: Very good – remember computers is 20% knowledge 80% bullshit. You’ll hear a lot about the 80/20 rule.

T: Don’t know what I should do.

S: Go to lunch of course!

T: Help. Also, I want to know whether open toe shoes or boots will be in this season.

S: I think open toes was last season and boots will be back briefly until it’s back to the very casual flip flops!

T: And whether I should ask out this girl I like.

S: Of course not – homosexuality is against the will of God!

T: Confused.

S: and Gorgeous!

WebTrends – 4th February 1999

Email with TLJ:

S: Did you find out about the network setup of the servers today?

T: Yup, there is absolutely no connection between the internal and external servers – everything goes through a switch,

S: Do you know how this works? I don’t understand (cos I’m a dummy!). Diagram? Internal server=intranet? External=internet? Switch in-between?

S: I hope you are having a good afternoon and that the sun is shining in the windows somewhere.
” Take the sameness out of your days. Give each day a specific purpose. What do you want to accomplish at work that will bring you one day closer to your financial goals? How do you intend to keep yourself healthy? What fun things can you look forward to doing today? How can you make someone else’s day better than it might be?
For unsuccessful and unhappy people, there is often a boring sameness to their days. Is it Monday or Thursday? It doesn’t matter. Is it March or November? It doesn’t matter. Is it 3 o’clock in the afternoon or 10 o’clock in the morning? It doesn’t matter.
Everybody has the same amount of time each day. How are you going to spend your 24 hours today?”
Guo Nian!

T: Is this goodbye?

S: Celebrate the (New) Year!

T: was waiting for a call from the guy upstairs – need to show him some sample reports and go through what he wants, but he hasn’t called yet and I hope he doesn’t because I want to go home at 5, and I’d prefer to do it when I’m feeling a little less groggy.

S: Why you groggy? Hey – wanna go to Art Express after uni tomorrow?

T: I know you won’t get this til tomorrow anyway, but the news was filming in Martin Place today and I walked straight past the cameras without realising. I only realised when I saw the cameraman behind me. I think I was out of the shot anyway, cause I was walking along the left side of the path.
I was on TV when I was in 2nd grade (7) for this mini Olympics that our school held. Mike Willisee was hosting, and I was up-front carrying the banner for my team “Fantasia” – we were blue and gold. Then I was on TV because I had to pretend to be a reporter and interview this guy in my grade who had just won a race. His name was Dean and he was a really naughty boy. He had white hair and a husky, throaty voice and moles. Anyway, Aisan brought up the fact that she had the video the other night at the tour reunion video night, and I had fun reminiscing about it. We’ve got the
video somewhere, and I gotta say, I was cute in that video!!! I had long hair too.
Want to show you, but I don’t know where it is.

S: YES!!!! You have to show me – I wanna see you when you were cute!
Got in at 7.04 this morning – still no parking spot! Didn’t wanna get up this morning….
I’ll probably go to physio about 3.30 or 4.00 so I get out of there in a reasonable time – you wanna do something or wait til Thursday – or will you be out with your uni friends on Thursday?
Hope you are not feeling so groggy today baby.
Ciao-bella