Tag: John Coyote

Walking In Darkness – 26th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Without the light, it’s easy to submit
Wild and brave men no longer thrive
Those empty spaces are full of it
Desperate hands grasping to survive

These men bleed, kept in silence
There’s no longer a world to save
Tired of all the endless violence
In darkness rot the men so brave

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog
17th Dec 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – darkness

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more awake this morning after struggling to get up.  I really wanted to sleep more.  I noticed that my stomach has lost a little more excess flab so I’m happy about that.  Keep going.

Today I’m grateful for:

The receptionist at the dental clinic who happily changed my dental appointment from next week to mid-February because, and I told her this, I don’t have any money to pay until I paid again.  We both talked in a mixture of English and Thai and could understand each other clearly and I wai’d her my thanks as I left.

The best thing about today was:

…well, it seems strange to call this the best thing but it is certainly something that stands out. 

For my last grade 7 class of the day, I asked the kids to log in to the Quiz on their phones.  Aomsin, who was sitting right in front of me in the front row, said she couldn’t because she had no battery.  I explained to her in English that I told the class many times that for my class they must always have enough battery and good internet access. 

Aomsin’s English is not that good yet though and whilst she could tell that I was being serious she clearly did not understand the details.  This was Friday afternoon, the last hours of the day and I was feeling laid back and playful.  The other kids could sense that.  I told her that I take away 5 points in the system if they are not prepared. I was smiling and had no intention to do that but wanted her to know that she should always be prepared.

Anyway, I translated into Thai for her so she could understand and she nodded and looked down at her phone.  Gunn, sitting next to her, looked at me, looked at her and then looked at me again.  Aomsin then started talking in Thai, sounding like complaining-explaining and looked back up to me, with a slightly pleading face and then I saw a tear fall down each of her cheeks. 

I couldn’t believe it.  I wiped away each tear and said ‘Hey, come on, it’s not that serious.’ Again, she didn’t quite get it.  I comforted her and told her in Thai that I was only playing with her. 

Gunn cracked up laughing at her but I wanted her to feel better.  Then she started really balling her eyes out but also laughing at the same time.  Laughing and crying at herself and her friends.  It was like she really wanted to feel an emotion deeply but also realised how absurd it was.  She was smiling and laughing but couldn’t stop herself from crying. 

Other kids started paying attention and couldn’t understand why everyone looked happy and smiling but Aomsin was crying.  Gunn quickly offered a solution with his charger (why didn’t she just ask him to borrow it in the first place!) and even that couldn’t settle her down.  Gunn talked some more to her and I went and attended a couple of other students before coming back after a few minutes. 

She had settled herself by this time but when I asked her to do the quiz she said she couldn’t yet.  I got down on my knees and wai’d her my apologies many times over and both she and Gunn cracked up laughing again.

I guess it’s a good lesson for me that not everyone gets the vibe or feeling of the class and whilst I can be quite strict about what I want I’m not so often angry about anything. I can sense Aomsin is sensitive, not just in my class but in general and I should be aware of that and make sure that she understands when something is playful or serious.  I could be wrong but I don’t think she was really upset with what happened and maybe there were other things going on for her and she was having a bad day and this just tipped her over the edge.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After picking up my coffee and making sure to be back in school for first class I was wondering why the building was so quiet.  No kids!  What’s going on? You can read more below.  How did I handle it?  By taking the free time opportunity to write here.

Something I learned today?

This morning my first class was delayed as there was something going on.  As I was in the classroom ready to teach I decided to go and find out what it was all about.  It was about the upcoming election for a student to the school board. 

I walked around and ended up talking with Jet and asked her who she would vote for and why.  I then asked if she would want to run for election when she was in grade 11 and she said ‘Why would I want to do that!?’ 

Ok, I said, who do you think in your class would be suitable and she thought Anchan.  She said Anchan is a little older than the rest of the class and can control them quite well.  I wasn’t too surprised at this as I could see last year that she had some leadership qualities if she chose to go in that direction.  It was interesting to hear this from another student though.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I sent Anchan a positive message based on what Jet had said above, to show my support and pride in her.  I told her to keep going. (Just as I told myself this morning – keep going!)

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 6. Keep a Journal. No, keeping a journal is not for children. It helps you to become a better thinker and writer. “I don’t want to be a writer” you might think. Well, how many emails and texts do you send a day? Everybody is a writer.

Journaling has only become a habit since moving to Thailand and somewhat inspired by starting 1994ever to document my year in 1994.  Because I have ended up with fewer external things to do I have had more time to develop this habit and it doesn’t feel like a chore like when I was a teenager trying to keep up a diary.  As the idea states you become a better thinker and that is what I want to be.  Yesterday’s idea was about strengthening the body through exercise, today is about strengthening the brain through journaling.

I took this picture because we had to cut our three big trees down as the roots would fuck up the buildings. It looks so strange and we’re a little sad because they were big healthy trees that gave a lot of shade.

Love Is For The Lucky – 14th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

Peggy asked me to come over
She said she was alone and scared
I remember when we were kids
Dancing like no one cared

Fearless, the world was ours
We thought there was nothing to lose
Great dreams lost in the wrong turns
Sorrows drowned in booze

In her eyes, she cast the blame
Yet knew it was her fault
Slowly learned that accepting less
Could still return a result

Is she only flesh and bones
Waiting for death and forgotten?
Always a need to be needed
Made her miserable and rotten

I held her hand to lead her back
And we did that for a week
But a war was going on
And there was a wider world to seek

Peggy now, did you find your way
Did you see direction through your tears
Did we both realise true love
In the aftermath of those years?

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog

Today I’m feeling:

Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.

It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.

Today I’m grateful for:

A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.

The best thing about today was:

Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.

A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.

Another minute later and she’s gone.  

I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.

I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.

Something I learned today?

It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.

I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.

A Glass To The Gods – 11th June 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Never admit that the gods will win
Even if you know it true
It’s your dream you’re murdering
If such you are admitting to
Accept the contradiction
So that the greatest art is created
It’s a long line of tradition
In which the battle is clearly stated
Children born with great dreams
Eyes turn cold when they learn
Nothing is ever what it seems
And for that, the heart must yearn
The lovers and kings will dance and drink
Until they can masquerade no more
Because there comes a time to stop and think
What was all that dancing for?

inspired by this post by John Coyote

Today I’m feeling:

I slept so badly last night maybe because I had that nap that left me exhausted but also not helped by the humid air that even with the window open and the fan sucking in air did little to help. Woke up before my alarm and bumbled around before riding my pushbike to Utopia. Still not sure how I feel yet.
(Later) I managed to get going and keep going until now, late afternoon, shopping and vacuuming and just now playing guitar and reading but my body is feeling like it will enjoy sleep again. Let’s just hope it is better than last night.

Today I’m grateful for:

Haagen and Mei for getting a very drunk Amy safely home tonight. I don’t like to see Amy like that, it looks like it has gone beyond happiness and towards oblivion. I’ll never ask her to stop drinking because I know she enjoys it so much but I would like her to moderate better. As I’m not drinking these days it is difficult for me to share her feeling and I find myself frustrated. I generally don’t like hanging around people when they have had too much to drink unless I feel compelled to take care of them. Of course, I will take care of Amy and I hope that sometime she will start to feel like me in that the hangovers counter the pleasure to a negative degree.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling better than yesterday though I am wondering if I may be sick with something. Last week there were free covid test kits in the teacher’s room as many people supposedly have had it recently. Also, a couple of my students have looked sick in my classes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I asked Art to come with me to the aircon repair shop next door to Utopia and see if he could convince them to come and fix mine. This time the lady said that the mechanic was too busy. So it seems like he’s not sick anymore. Well, too bad for them. They did mention another aircon shop and Art sent little Art out to see if they could help but he soon came back and said that they close on Sundays. I really appreciate all the help they gave me and makes me feel that I have at least some friendly local acquaintances here.
I will drop by that shop tomorrow afternoon and see if they can help me. I’d like to get it fixed before Amy comes back which we realised is only 4 weeks away now!

Something I learned today?

I watched a video of a mosh-style hardcore band (Speed) touring South East Asia and it reminded me of the documentary I took part in about ten years ago. Watching the reactions of the band members to the quirks of South East Asian life and the enthusiasm took me back to my own experiences and made me miss Kimi and the thought that I will find it hard to travel there again without him being around. Writing this also reminded me to contact Asikin, Kimi’s widow, which I just did.

How can I improve this moment?

Damn, I’m in bed, about to do some Thai study and a bit of reading before sleeping. The aircon seems to be working again (fan only) and I’m prepared for a good sleep. This moment may only be improved by actually being asleep.
I will try to improve with some positive reflections to take into my dreams.

I took this picture because a couple of these mushrooms suddenly appeared overnight. No idea if they are edible and I’m not going to try.