Tag: journaling

Walking In Darkness – 26th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Without the light, it’s easy to submit
Wild and brave men no longer thrive
Those empty spaces are full of it
Desperate hands grasping to survive

These men bleed, kept in silence
There’s no longer a world to save
Tired of all the endless violence
In darkness rot the men so brave

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog
17th Dec 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – darkness

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more awake this morning after struggling to get up.  I really wanted to sleep more.  I noticed that my stomach has lost a little more excess flab so I’m happy about that.  Keep going.

Today I’m grateful for:

The receptionist at the dental clinic who happily changed my dental appointment from next week to mid-February because, and I told her this, I don’t have any money to pay until I paid again.  We both talked in a mixture of English and Thai and could understand each other clearly and I wai’d her my thanks as I left.

The best thing about today was:

…well, it seems strange to call this the best thing but it is certainly something that stands out. 

For my last grade 7 class of the day, I asked the kids to log in to the Quiz on their phones.  Aomsin, who was sitting right in front of me in the front row, said she couldn’t because she had no battery.  I explained to her in English that I told the class many times that for my class they must always have enough battery and good internet access. 

Aomsin’s English is not that good yet though and whilst she could tell that I was being serious she clearly did not understand the details.  This was Friday afternoon, the last hours of the day and I was feeling laid back and playful.  The other kids could sense that.  I told her that I take away 5 points in the system if they are not prepared. I was smiling and had no intention to do that but wanted her to know that she should always be prepared.

Anyway, I translated into Thai for her so she could understand and she nodded and looked down at her phone.  Gunn, sitting next to her, looked at me, looked at her and then looked at me again.  Aomsin then started talking in Thai, sounding like complaining-explaining and looked back up to me, with a slightly pleading face and then I saw a tear fall down each of her cheeks. 

I couldn’t believe it.  I wiped away each tear and said ‘Hey, come on, it’s not that serious.’ Again, she didn’t quite get it.  I comforted her and told her in Thai that I was only playing with her. 

Gunn cracked up laughing at her but I wanted her to feel better.  Then she started really balling her eyes out but also laughing at the same time.  Laughing and crying at herself and her friends.  It was like she really wanted to feel an emotion deeply but also realised how absurd it was.  She was smiling and laughing but couldn’t stop herself from crying. 

Other kids started paying attention and couldn’t understand why everyone looked happy and smiling but Aomsin was crying.  Gunn quickly offered a solution with his charger (why didn’t she just ask him to borrow it in the first place!) and even that couldn’t settle her down.  Gunn talked some more to her and I went and attended a couple of other students before coming back after a few minutes. 

She had settled herself by this time but when I asked her to do the quiz she said she couldn’t yet.  I got down on my knees and wai’d her my apologies many times over and both she and Gunn cracked up laughing again.

I guess it’s a good lesson for me that not everyone gets the vibe or feeling of the class and whilst I can be quite strict about what I want I’m not so often angry about anything. I can sense Aomsin is sensitive, not just in my class but in general and I should be aware of that and make sure that she understands when something is playful or serious.  I could be wrong but I don’t think she was really upset with what happened and maybe there were other things going on for her and she was having a bad day and this just tipped her over the edge.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After picking up my coffee and making sure to be back in school for first class I was wondering why the building was so quiet.  No kids!  What’s going on? You can read more below.  How did I handle it?  By taking the free time opportunity to write here.

Something I learned today?

This morning my first class was delayed as there was something going on.  As I was in the classroom ready to teach I decided to go and find out what it was all about.  It was about the upcoming election for a student to the school board. 

I walked around and ended up talking with Jet and asked her who she would vote for and why.  I then asked if she would want to run for election when she was in grade 11 and she said ‘Why would I want to do that!?’ 

Ok, I said, who do you think in your class would be suitable and she thought Anchan.  She said Anchan is a little older than the rest of the class and can control them quite well.  I wasn’t too surprised at this as I could see last year that she had some leadership qualities if she chose to go in that direction.  It was interesting to hear this from another student though.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I sent Anchan a positive message based on what Jet had said above, to show my support and pride in her.  I told her to keep going. (Just as I told myself this morning – keep going!)

25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 6. Keep a Journal. No, keeping a journal is not for children. It helps you to become a better thinker and writer. “I don’t want to be a writer” you might think. Well, how many emails and texts do you send a day? Everybody is a writer.

Journaling has only become a habit since moving to Thailand and somewhat inspired by starting 1994ever to document my year in 1994.  Because I have ended up with fewer external things to do I have had more time to develop this habit and it doesn’t feel like a chore like when I was a teenager trying to keep up a diary.  As the idea states you become a better thinker and that is what I want to be.  Yesterday’s idea was about strengthening the body through exercise, today is about strengthening the brain through journaling.

I took this picture because we had to cut our three big trees down as the roots would fuck up the buildings. It looks so strange and we’re a little sad because they were big healthy trees that gave a lot of shade.

We Are The Hedons – 22nd September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Goodbye temperance, born in America
Though you’ll never see its shores again
Your virtue was traded for a case of beer
But I’ll never forget it
Falling over rotten fruits
Stumbling and staring like zombies
Yielding to hordes of defiant
Adrift from a safe port

We are the addled, the overfed
Eyes wide at the pornography on show
We are the sexed, we ritualised
Our own descent into vice
We are the Hedons
Second-rate human beings
Grab your beers and a handful of pills
The Hedons have won again!

The theme inspired by a post from the Stoa Letter and words adapted and morphed from The Van Pelt’s ‘We Are The Heathens’

20th Sep 2024 – Submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge – answer

Today I’m feeling:

Positive and also feeling like my energy is depleting quickly. At least Fridays are relatively easy days for me. Annoyingly I woke up about an hour before my alarm with my brain already active and my alarm went off just as I got back to sleep. I got up with a ‘fuuuuck’. The morning sun is enjoyable though, although without the shade over the playground at school, all the short kids want to stand in my shadow.

Today I’m grateful for:

The doctors and nurses who took care of Amy’s dad in hospital and in the operating theatre. The good news is that as far as they could tell the cancer hadn’t spread beyond the bowel so hopefully after recovery, maybe he’s good to go again.

The best thing about today was:

Another successful spelling test with my grade 7s. After the better students finished and left I really enjoyed helping the stragglers to figure out the words using mime and drawing, just trying to lead them in the direction of the answers. It was interesting to see how some students used their phones to help themselves. They also motivated themselves to improve their scores with second and third attempts. It feels like the culmination of the semester’s work has come together pretty well.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As I went to leave House this afternoon a truck was blocking me in. There is a building being constructed next door and the workers there asked me to pull forward so the truck could get in. I assumed that they just wanted to quickly unload something and wouldn’t take long. They obviously didn’t understand that I wanted to leave but finally came to clarify when I was still sitting in my car with the engine running. I wasn’t upset or rude to them and they quickly let me out. A minor frustration, surely for both of us, but no need to get wound up.

Something I learned today?

I discovered that the new iOS has added a State of Mind log to the Health app. Now I want to figure out the shortcut to take me straight to it.

What do I want to remember about this time of my life?

As I’ve been fairly fastidiously writing this time of my life down here I’m hoping to remember a lot. Also to be able to review the gradual changes and see the challenges I have overcome.

Looking back at my old diaries has shown how little of what I wrote was meaningful and only serves as tiny memory joggers. Most of it is ‘got up, went here, went there, went home, went to sleep’! Even when I wrote that I was pissed off I couldn’t really articulate why.

Even though my life is a lot less exciting now I’m hoping to get down to more of the detail.

What I want to remember is how I turned myself around to feeling good and healthier and I don’t see any reason that that can’t be maintained. I suppose if I’ve forgotten things from 35 years ago then, if I make it to 90 I may forget the things I’m doing now.

I took this picture a couple of days ago because I didn’t take any new pictures today.

We got that attitude! – 6th August 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for enjoying being at school and even a little disappointed that I’m not teaching today. But that is good too. Tomorrow I have to teach a lot!

To-do list

  • Awards x3
  • Compliments x3
  • Listen….speak (if necessary)

Now it’s the 15th of August and this journal has gone by the wayside for no real good reason that I can discern. It feels like it’s a time issue. Now that I am teaching on a more proper schedule maybe things feel a little more secure. I’ve not had or made time to think too much about things so some of the habits I’ve been trying to forge haven’t quite stuck yet – such as the awards.

I do find myself reminding myself about complimenting and I have been doing well with morning routines. One thing of concern is that though I have mostly been feeling extremely happy there have been a couple of occasions that I have felt extremely down too. I can think of specific incidents that caused that feeling but frustrated that I understand that they are minor and not in my control but I’ve been unable to control my own reaction and behaviour.

The plus on this is that I am well aware of my feelings and though I might tell myself that living is pointless, I know that these feelings will pass soon enough – and they always do.

I’ve moved this journal back to the bedroom in the hope I will write more often again – even if the entries are briefer. I know doing this practice is helpful.

Mr. Right says ‘what is a sin in difficult times?’ – 8th June 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Last entry in this journal was 11th August 2003.

Things change a lot in 16 years. One thing that doesn’t though, is a parent’s concern for their child. Sometimes I wonder how I can be so much more for other children than I can for Hayden. I guess I just wasn’t there enough.

I won’t beat myself up over this though. Not like I might have done in the past. I can’t change the past. I offer myself to Hayden but I think sometimes he’s afraid to ask, doesn’t want to bother me. Same with his mum. We’re both busy for sure but I don’t think there can be a time when I would refuse to help.

His mum and I have different ways to deal with these things. We try the best with what we have. I do wish I could’ve been more involved in raising Hayden, not particularly in formal education but in life education. I think I set him a good example in many aspects and while I worry about where his motivations are coming from, I consider how useless I was at his age and how things have come right for me since then. I needed certain people to push or pull me in the right directions.

We thought we had no future get here we are. I do wonder the future for the next generations though. With the whole world at our fingertips, it feels like the starry-eyed wonderment has dissipated. It’s no surprise the attitude of each generation might feel this way.

It’s not my fault but I try to offer hope and a positive outlook as much as I can.

The Week That Was – 8th July 1979

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Record of the week: Generation X – Friday’s Angel
Highest entry: The Knack – My Sharona – 24

14th May 2022 – My Sharona is still in the cultural zeitgeist, though maybe only for another generation. Friday’s Angel I don’t even recall myself. Let me check it out again. Seeing the cover, I may have even owned this 7″ at some point. Looks familiar. A re-listen is not winning me over these days.

8th July 1979
Not meant for today but the Sex Pistols are great.
2p 12p^

14th May 2022 – Not meant for today? What does that even mean, 11-year-old me? Perhaps just filling up diary space when having no recollection of what I actually did on that day. I wish I could go back and tell myself to write down as much as possible, to tell Hayden to do the same. Tell your kids to keep a diary, even better, a journal. No need to get all Kerouac about it but your future self will be grateful to you.

9th July 1979
Had chalkie today
Great stuff
Chalkie = Hard and White = Arden White
2p 14p^

14th May 2022 – Well, I’ve searched but Arden White remains a mystery. Some kind of candy, chocolate or beverage, maybe? Already enjoying playing with language. It is something that I still admire as part of my Englishness. Not to say that language games don’t exist in other languages or that English is better, just that I enjoy the learning, practising and knowing of it.

10th July 1979
Graeme brought a Rubber Johnny to school and I’ve got the instructions
2p 16p^

14th May 2022 – Damn, this would’ve been a playground coup and kids would’ve gathered around to see this forbidden item. I was obviously proud to be the owner of the instructions! Even with them, I wouldn’t have known what to do with the thing! I feel sure Graeme would’ve given it a go though.

11th July 1979
called the
2p

14th May 2022 – As if my writing wasn’t hard enough to read already, I obviously wanted this piece partially obscured

12th July 1979
1. Tubeway Army – Are Friends Electric?
2. Janet Kay – Silly Games
3. Sex Pistols – C’mon Everybody
4. Squeeze – Up The Junction
5. Amii Stewart – Light My Fire
6. Gerry Rafferty – Night Owl
7. Ruts – Babylon’s Burning
2p 2p 20p^

14th May 2022 – Extended to a top 7 so that I could include the Ruts. It’s amazing to remember a time when a song like this was in the charts.

13th July 1979
Gra Johnny’s number is 0425 42800
24p^

14th May 2022 – In the punk tradition Graeme and I changed our names though I forget what mine was. So Graeme was Johnny, implying that he was the Johnny Rotten of us two potential punks. I don’t believe I ever went by the name of Sid but it wouldn’t be long before that was the name older kids called me to make fun of me. And by this time I was the only punk in the school.

14th July 1979
No news to write about Ipswich this week
26p ^

14th May 2022 – That’s how to write about Ipswich every week, even when there was nothing to write. I could’ve been a journalist, I tells ya!