Tag: Kevin

I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.

Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.

Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.

Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.

To-do list

  • Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Listen – respond with understanding ½
  • More Thai practice ✅
  • Actually draw mini-zine

Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.

In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.

In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.

He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.

I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.

After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.

Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.

I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.

Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.

Kill confusion by killing options – 4th February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Most disputes are a waste of time even if you’re in the right….

– Haters blog post by Paul Graham

I can recall a thousand arguments I thought I’d won, “That showed them!” Only now to realise I had lost.

Some people start arguments for an unknown reason. Why do we bite at it? Sometimes it’s something we just know we can easily win. An opportunity to show intellectual superiority. What did that achieve in the end?

Sometimes people just sound argumentative perhaps not eloquent enough to express themselves any other way. Being able to defuse situations like that takes a special skill, worth practicing.

Some people don’t argue at all and start with a closed fist. They didn’t like the way you looked. The air sizzles with violence. Mostly recognised from younger days, too old to be a threat to anyone now surely.

Another option often chosen is to simply run away from it, waiting until calmer heads prevail. But what if it didn’t come?

I hate arguing, it’s a waste of time and energy. That doesn’t mean I won’t stand up for what I believe to be right and true but those opportunities rarely actually appear in life. Most arguments are petty and ultimately inconsequential. So the aim is not to win or lose but to just not waste time.

I’m sick of emotions always tearing me inside
Watching things crumble, letting all things slide
A very temporary waste of time
Is there really such a thing as a waste of time?

Gray Matter

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my medicine. I didn’t realise I didn’t take it yesterday and I felt pretty down most of that time. Only realised this morning when I found the tablet on the bench!

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

To-do list

  • Take some new photos to use on the blog ½
  • Gym after work ✅
  • Play the listen and don’t complain game ½
  • Clear some Pocket articles ✅

It was a little difficult to play the listen and don’t complain game as Kevin and Said weren’t in school today and apart from courtesies I only spoke to Fred for about 3 minutes. I was able to do it later though when Kru Tam was complaining about Kevin not being organised to send things for printing. I just asked her what she would like me to do.

Similarly, taking photos wasn’t really an easy task either. I’m either sitting at my desk or teaching – not many interesting photo opportunities arising.

I rode my pushbike to the gym and met KP along the way which was nice – she has such a good heart. She was in a hrry though so not much chat but I hope I can ask her to help bring some students for us sometime.

I learned a lot today about social connection and just talking to strangers. A little easier said than done with the language barrier here but George seems to manage to do it quite well. I need to practice those skills. I guess I missed a little opportunity to do this at the gym as there was a white guy there. the gym feels a bit weird to do that though. Though, now I’m thinking of it, it is where George meets and talks to a lot of people so I guess I just need to bite the bullet and try it.

My war, you’re one of them – 31st January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”
—MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.18.5b

I’ve never been a manly man. Well, I say that, though I can remember trying to be one from about ages 11-14. Then I started getting bullied a bit at school and realised I wasn’t ever going to be a strong boy physically.

Not me but you get the idea…

I retreated into my mind but taking resentment and bitterness there. I filled myself with seething hatred for everything around me, confusing what I considered personal injustice with larger injustices of the world. Everything was against us. It was us and them, whoever us was and whoever they were.

I dove head first into the moshpits of punk rock. Besides my mother, punk really was a rock for me to hold on to. Sometimes I clung too tight but eventually I found my way.

Justice and fairness are still amongst my top character strengths, thankfully along with curiousity and gratitude – those two came later.

These days I’m trying to calm my mind to bring some inner peace but the tunes of yesterday still rattle around from dawn to dusk. This inner noise is it’s own sort of peace, it’s familiarity calming, the anger gone.

Man is spelt big M.A.N. it’s the letters of the law,
Man is spelt big M.A.N. that’s who the law is for.

– Crass

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the supportive teachers around me. They have helped me cover a lesson today and it was easy to stand once I found the right person to talk with.

You can’t learn what you think you already know.

Epictetus (paraphrase)

To-do list

  • Arrange someone to manage the class I miss. ✅
  • Make another blog post around an article. ✅
  • Ride bike to get a haircut.
  • More Coursera/another DIY article. ½
  • WDS – follow up on BKK and Yogya shows. ½

I’m starting to feel comfortable and relaxed at school. Able to deal with unexpected conditions, which seem to arise often. I still feel connected with the students but not so intensely involved. I will do what I can for them and try to prepare a good plan for them for learning but I’m going to over-invest my time, even though I do really love to push myself and always think to do the very best I can.

Without the pressure and expectations from the school for continuing with them next semester I am enjoying all the situations, good and bad, and I realise now that this is how I should try to feel all the time at work.

It’s just occurred to me this idea in opposition, of being a very organised person and having to work in a very disorganised environment. Instead of a strict organisation of ideas for lessons, I should have an outline plan and then be ready and organised for disruption. So, a good solid base to work from and then prepared to add on to it. Work smarter.

I talked a little bit with Kevin today and he was surprised at my involvement in music.

I also managed to complete deleting about 90% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. Most of them are unnecessary for my day-to-day and if either I or they wish to connect again for any reason we are still able to but I’d like to think of myself using Facebook as opposed to Facebook using me. Communicating in short sound bytes is not effective and nuanced, becomes frustrating and just making me anxious about useless things.

I want to concentrate more on writing on my blog – that gives me a deeper satisfaction. It’s not particularly important if anyone sees it or not – I just want to go through the process, forge a habit, think better and ultimately feel better.

Everything had a name and everything had a place – 2nd January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Get people to like you

1. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. Ask questions. Listen. Do not judge.
2. Do not correct someone. Do not one-up with a clever story.
3. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying now. Tell yourself ‘I’m not going to say it!’
4. Ask about what challenges people have. Ask for advice.
5. To make strangers feel at ease tell them you only have a minute.
6. Body language – smile slower.
7. If you feel someone is using you just ask them what it is they want and what they hope to achieve. Are you there for me or there for you?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful smelling flowers in my garden. When I walk to my car in the morning they smell so delicious. I am grateful to Amy’s mum for planting them for us.

To-do list

  • Sort lessons for KT for the weekend.
  • Clear emails.
  • Compliment another teacher.
  • Positive feedback for kids always.
  • Do not complain!
  • Organise Chiang Mai trip – where is the office?
  • Add to things to write about list.
  • Buy new pens.

Did it list

  • 30 squats and weightless shoulder presses.
  • Found lessons suitable for Khawthang.
  • Did gate duty and smiled at all the kids.
  • Had to speak at assembly.
  • Got given an exam lesson to cover as Kevin was absent. Dealt with calmly and went ok.
  • Went to city to pick up books and pens.
  • Printed sheets for Prang/Sea and for Khawthang.
  • Read about 7 tips for good conversation.
  • Let people talk, ask questions, do not judge, ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’ etc – sincerely.

I ran out of time quickly today after having to fill in an extra lesson for Kevin’s class. His class had good kids though with good levels of English – so it was quite fun to teach them. I only got told about having to do the class during the assembly. I also had to speak at the assembly as Said wasn’t there either. I’m quite happy with the way I handled my emotions with this. It would have been easy to get upset and complain.
I don’t think I complained today – not out loud anyway!
I didn’t get as much done (reading articles!) as I would have liked but that’s ok.
I need to get some other backup games and lessons up my sleeve in case I’m called on again.
I’m not sure about doing an MEP class next semester. I think it could be more fulfilling but also a lot more work.

Yield to the right of way, stopping at a four-way sign, someone else’s rules, not mine – 18th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’ve started talking to my phone. I thought it might be a good way to get ideas out more quickly. It’s quite difficult though. The action of talking seems to interrupt my thought processes and I feel like I’m performing thinking and trying to keep things linear. Of course, as soon as I put the phone away I had two thoughts that I believed I could use for writing and now have forgotten. Well, luckily one just popped back into my head but it’s likely I’ll forget it again by the time I finish this paragraph.

I’m sure I can make use of the speech-to-text on the phone – it just needs practice and more habitual use. I probably need to just push out the thought for fleshing out later rather than trying to run with it at the time. It’s an interesting exercise though it feels weird having a one-way conversation into the phone. I see quite a lot of other people sending audio messages but I’ve never been comfortable enough to do that. Same with instructions for devices, like using Siri or Bixby etc. It makes sense to make use of that functionality but feels dumb talking to your TV or whatever.

Here’s the stream-of-consciousness spew I came up with:

Last night I had a dream and I was in the school and was complaining with a tie teacher about the activity we had to do actually we just stand around doing nothing no one told us what to do this is quite common having quite a lot in my classes in my schools and I knew that I was going to have to do something similar today and now here I am standing here but nothing to do just babysitting children despite this so nicely I’m having a lot of fun at least it’s something different not sitting in the classroom I actually I was looking forward to sitting in the classroom and reading and stuff but now we’re outside and kids just pretty much playing some games actually quite fun but sunny 11 could I go in till 4 so he nice
Sara Bareilles camp Camp I would just basically in the area looks like a note template or something behind the school in the fields with lots of trees randleman is nice and shady and cool kids are scared to go to the toilets because they think of this ghosts around very difficult I’m feeling great 5-10 year olds stool I guess you believe in ghosts maybe anyway it’s a really nice walk at the back of the school what do you call a housing estate the back and then can you record any more Minnesota twins in the first time I’ve been talkin into the funds I trying to record my thoughts but the actual process of speaking seems to be interrupting the source and feel like I’m trying to write a narrative rather than just letting thoughts come freely you not go all over the placeas I’m walking back to the sky suddenly going quite white hiding the the trees in the mountains in the distance and I can rice fields here smouldering away I’ve been burned off cat simulator with to sleep the sky is full of on the way down to the ground I can smell it now the smell reminds me of when I was a kid in it’s stopped little grass flies hedges no edges of them and banquets and places like that one time one got out of control and we had to run away we could see the fire which city smoke from the fire when we got home it seems like it was a long way away but you know it wasn’t so the relative sizes of different when you were a kid conrado Munoz nowholy smoke is pretty good actually I think I’m going to get my 10,000 steps done today that I’m think I’m going to drive back afterwards little bit hot after working in the Sun as I shake where I am this program is funny the conversion from speech to text isn’t quite as fantastic cuz I’m the Mack this is just on the phone Android phone remember to watch out for snakes where I amit’s very very quiet where I am at the moment I can see houses and buildings and stuff but I know it’s just a few crickets as birds fluttering around in the grass lawn grasses nice to know that this is he just being us like houses along the main road and then behind the house it’s just nothing

I think I could make sense of most of this but there’s only really two thoughts contained within.

I was trying to describe that, as a 6 or 7-year-old, myself and the other kids on my street (for some reason I rarely hung around with kids on the next street) went off to the railway embankment and walked up to the top of the hill where there was a park. At the edge of the hill and park we set light to the grass for some childish fun. It quickly got out of control and we all ran like hell back home. From our street we could still see the smoke billowing into the sky even though it was what seemed like far away. It probably wasn’t that far but distance is relative when you’re still only three foot tall. When we heard the sirens we all ran inside.

And the smell of the rice field burning today reminded me of that day. Burning the fields is normal here unfortunately. Chiang Rai had the worst air quality in the world for a few days earlier this year. A brief smell of smoke such as I had today makes for a nostalgic romantic memory but when you are choking on the smoky sky it’s not so much fun. This year it lasted for about two months and it was awful.

The other thought I was trying to articulate was that I had an anticipatory dream last night. It’s not a very surprising dream and was really just a prediction. I think it did help me in some ways though.

I was dreaming that I was at school and it wasn’t the normal teaching day as there was some event that we had to help the kids with. I was standing around with the other teachers and we were all complaining that no one had told us exactly what we were supposed to be doing. I mentioned that one of the Thai teachers told me that we just need to make sure the kids don’t hurt themselves and I had laughed ‘oh we just need to babysit them then?’ Babysitting was a common phrase used by one of my old Thai colleagues and as ‘teachers’ it was a little frustrating, especially when we might only find out about these events the day before they happen.

So, last night I had made a note to be mentally prepared for a disorganised day today. It was Scout Day. I knew that we had to walk somewhere outside school and this morning found out that we would leave at around 9am. That happened and us obedient babysitters wandered along behind them without any clue what was in store for us. Sure enough when we got to where we were supposed to be no one told us anything else and we just sat around, wandered around, sometimes worried that we should be doing something. Exactly as my dream, mentally prepared, I took the opportunity to have as much fun as possible with the kids which is really preferable to sitting around complaining about the situation. I ended up having a great time. The kids seemed to be enjoying what was pretty much a day off school for them too. I’m not sure if they learned anything today but some days when I’m teaching I feel the same too!

Something I learned today
Black and white is always gray
Looking through the windowpane
I’m not inside your brain

In an effort to try and get the kids to at least learn or remember something, I would steal their hats and demand that they use English to ask for it back. They all eventually got their hats back – took a while for some of them.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have the motivation and determination to get things done. This morning I weighed myself and the app on my phone tells me that I now have a normal BMI and no longer overweight. I’m proud of myself but the task is not over. I still need to lose a few more kilos and get more exercise. I know my weight will go up and down but I can keep heading in the right direction.

To-do list

  • Check if possible to record speech to text on phone
  • Mentally prepare for a disorganised day
  • Don’t forget to go to hospital
  • Compliment one of the other teachers
  • Positive feedback for the kids

Did it list

  • 10,000 steps today.
  • First time normal BMI.
  • Had fun at what could be a potentially boring day.
  • Challenged a few students and complimented them when they did well.
  • Tired speech-to-text on phone with minor success.
  • Talked with Boyan, Said and Kevin more than normal today and feel that they are comfortable talking to me.
  • Did not shout today!
  • Studied some more Thai.
  • Helped the staff at Wynn’s coffee shop to carry in their stock items.

It was interesting to talk with Boyan, Kevin and Said today for different reasons.
Boyan generally just talks about himself so I led him on a bit and can start to understand him a little bit more.
Kevin also likes to talk about himself but is more conscious of it and will try to get you into the conversation too. Again, I could understand him a bit more.
Said and I seem to be on a similar wavelength and I feel like we agree on many things.
One thing I do want to be conscious of though is not to get too much into the negative talk that everyone falls into. I need to take a second longer to think, which is quite difficult when everyone wants to say their piece.