I am so happy and grateful for the heater in my car this morning. It feels very cold!
Learning how to sit still and obey others is the necessary prerequisite to learning how to sit still and obey yourself.
thought on Chinese education at Slate Star Codex
To-do list
Write about what you read today! ✅
Typhoon for revision – can it be done? ½
Find time to connect with someone. ½
What gift could you give Kru Noon?
Answer more challenges in your book. ✅
Had a lot of free time again today for which I’m very grateful. I wrote a few things down from what I was reading which made me realise that that is what I should be doing all the time.
An interesting Daily Stoic article talked about morning starts – movement, mindfulness, mastery. Things that I have been starting to do more and more anywhere. I feel like I have become a happier and more rounded person recently – still not challenged by a highly emotional event though.
A new challenge for this book is to recall and savour a time/event in my past and do this every night for five minutes or so. Tonight I will think about the time I helped Limited Express (has gone?) to tour Australia.
Tomorrow I was thinking about going somewhere else to buy coffee just to use my Curiosity Character Strength (which I did today by driving back home a different route) but Amy is taking the care so I’ll think about that for another day. I want to try many of the different examples of performing to Character Strengths just as an extra challenge.
Another important thing I learned today is that experiences make us happier than material things and I want to keep that in mind.
Music from Motelli Skronkle, The Chords, Dot.Organ, DMBQ, Isocracy, i.e. crazy, Capillary Action, Ruins, Bukkake Moms, Killing Joke, Butthole Surfers, Sex Pistols, Debt of Nature, The Poles, 17 Pygmies and Sebadoh.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for Art and Utopia. Nice coffee and nice people and easy to get to. Lifesaver for a hangover!
To return to the books one lived in one’s youth is to risk disappointment – in both the books and in oneself when young.
Joseph Epstein
To-do list
Upload TCRAH ✅
Finish writing to Chrissie
Go for a ride around the hills again ✅
Go to the gym
Sort out more in the office ✅
I ran out of energy today. After teaching, which was very enjoyable today, it was about 5.3o pm and I spent a few minutes watching TV and energy just zapped out of me. Oh well, despite my best intentions, going to the gym the day after drinking probably wasn’t the best idea.
Today, Amy was upset by some pictures on an English poster we had bought – they showed ‘cute’ as a white girl and ‘ugly’ as a black person. Pretty fucked up and Amy said that she would complain to the makers.
In the afternoon I shared the picture with the TLC LINE group with the question ‘What is this teaching Thai children?’ I was quite surprised at the acceptance from Mike and Ben (himself black). I think it’s a fairly serious issue but felt like they were countering it because they were either used to it or it never affected them.
I feel proud of myself and Amy because we are prepared to stand up for what we believe to be right and fair. Amy even did it last night with the car park attendant as he called me ‘it’, which I was obviously oblivious to. Then Nancy cut the conversation short by talking about loving everyone and Malcolm piping up with emoji support.
I found the whole conversation very thought-provoking. Mike called me a ‘troublemaker’. I don’t know? Is facing issues causing trouble? I didn’t think I really had to defend my position – the consequences of letting things slide are obvious and some are prepared to leave thinking and doing to others and live the easy life.
It was interesting that Mike and Ben are French and I wonder how this affects their thinking? What an interesting day!
Should I not raise these things as discussion – live the easy life myself? I feel like that is what I want but something in me sees the injustices in the world and that I should say something even if nothing can be changed quickly.
If you could share one message with the world, what would it be?
I can’t decide an answer to this – maybe – learn to love to read?
I think as having visited many different places around the world there is not one message that is applicable to one and all.
Of course, we can say ‘love each other’ but it is a tired cliche that also begs many questions. Many religions posited this stance but they all became twisted by human interpretation.
I guess the ‘learn to love to read’ phrase is pertinent to never stop learning and growing because it can apply to anyone at any age.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have 3 happy playful cats in my life. I hope they remain healthy and don’t suffer any misfortune.
The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.
Isaac Asimov
To-do list
Get photos taken for work permit ✅
Enjoy spending time with George and Bee ✅
Write to Chrissie ½
Think about how you can show Kru Noon your appreciation
Savour what you can, show thanks ½
School was good today. All my classes went well and the kids were happy. Not so much the teachers! Kru Noon was upset again because she had to fill classes for Said who didn’t show up and couldn’t be contacted. Kevin was also upset because Kru Tam had made him look bad in front of his kids.
The day went quickly for me as I drove into the city a couple of times to get photos for my work permit.
After work, I finished reading Anna Karenina – phew! One of the first books that I want to read again.
Then a quick shower and pick up George and Bee to go for Indian dinner. I enjoy meeting them very much and George suggested talking with Nancy about Jimmy so that she can hear about it from me rather than from him or someone else in the future. The option of going to CRPAO is good to have as a choice next semester. George is always trying to convince me to do it.
Amy and Bee had good long happy talks as we moved to the Library to hang out for a couple of hours, drinking sweet shots of unknown alcohol. They both think that George and I live in a ‘beautiful world’ – ie we see everything as good and positive. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy to try and look at life this way and feel much happier for it. I prefer this thinking style over my older negative and cynical one for sure.
For Saturday I have a couple of classes in the afternoon and Amy will go out again in the evening. I’ll be happy with another night at home. Our home is definitely a ‘beautiful world’ despite the snakes.
I’m sitting here in a hot classroom with about thirty 10 and 11-year-olds dancing, screaming, shouting, crying, punching, singing, banging doors and hanging out windows. And this is on a good day.
But it is a good day. I am in the zone. I can hear and see the cacophony whirling around me, can feel the rush of air as little ghosts dash past. But I don’t notice it. Is this what a meditative state is like? I don’t know (yet).
I sat and listened to a meditation the other night. It had some special name and special components; it was interesting but made me very anxious. After relaxing into a quieter state you had to imagine yourself climbing a steep hill and huffing deeply, gasping for air. OK, I can imagine that. But this went on for what felt like 5 minutes. Huff huff. I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t getting too much air, or too little. Huff huff. I felt dizzy. Huff huff. Nauseous. Huff huff. Anxious. Huff huff. Muscles wound tight, I tensed my stomach, itched my arms and kicked my legs. Fuck this.
Of course, I understand the purpose and I’ll check this again – maybe in a morning before I’ve had any coffee. The feeling of reaching the top of a mountain after extreme exertion will always have a relaxing satisfaction. It’s a long journey. Next time.
I’m jealous of those who enjoy the benefits of meditation and it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I fill my time with many things and meditation hasn’t found its way onto that list quite yet. Well, it is on the list, but never ticked.
Recently I have been able to tick a lot of things though and I’m quite proud of that. Everything around is about a challenge at the moment. A challenge of change. I’ve pondered if I’m having my mid-life crisis now. I think I had a minor one when I was about thirty but on reflection, it doesn’t seem like it was that critical. I want to get that long story written down one day, perhaps just so I can still remember it or enjoy it again when I’m going senile. Who knows when that will be?
If I can tick off some little challenges and form some good habits out of them I think they will prepare me for the bigger challenges that may be ahead. The unexpected challenges, the ones that you don’t realise are messing with your head and your happiness. I’m looking for better reactions and outcomes as I know I am sometimes my own worst enemy. I want to change.
I’m in a place right now that I consider a little precarious.
Moving from Australia to Thailand didn’t feel like much of a big deal and I have been particularly happy since making this move. No longer being in such a financial struggle has allowed lots of spare time to read, listen to music, write and learn more about myself. I have never needed to be surrounded by lots of people to maintain happiness and now I am far away from those that I have made friends with around the world. So, no big deal, I can make new friends here in Thailand.
But here’s the rub. I’m very conscious of some of the nefarious reasons that people come to live in Thailand, and how many Thais can exploit that. I didn’t come here to get sidetracked with other people’s ridiculous dramas. That rules out getting involved with the more visible of the English speakers where I am. Those people make themselves known.
I understand the comfort those people find drinking, gossiping and fornicating together. In a different time, I would’ve happily joined in. I don’t want to judge them too harshly. I just don’t want to be around them.
Now, myself not being the most outgoing person in the world, I am struggling a little bit because I would at least like the opportunity to make connections with more people. Not superficial acquaintances but connections like I have made in the past.
I can now look back at the feelings my ex from Japan had as she found it difficult to maintain friendships in Australia with her fellow countrymen as the nature of migration is most often temporary (not made easier by some countries’ inhospitable attitudes towards migrants).
Now I find myself with similar feelings.
I am attempting to connect as much as I can digitally and I am mostly happy in my little kingdom at home but outside those gates is starting to become a little scary and precarious. I feel like the rug could be pulled away at any time without any hope of control.
I started to think more about this because I set myself a challenge to talk to a stranger every day. That’s when I realised that I am the stranger now. Whilst I can communicate with a Thai person on a superficial level it can rarely go deeper, rarely connect.
Otherwise, I rarely see any other foreigners where there is an opportunity to talk but now it is in my mind. I tell the students here that they should run up to any foreigner they see and just start talking. Now, I have to tell myself to do that. It may be nothing…. No, it will never be nothing – there will always be something gathered from that challenge.
A friend may not be made; a connection may be forged; but a lesson will always be learned.
Now, I really should get back to studying some Thai.
Can you tell me What it is? Does it hurt you When I do this?
I love it, I hate it, I love it, I hate it too I love it, I hate it, I love it, so how about you?
Can you tell me? ‘Cause I don’t know Why don’t you tell me Why is it so Confusing?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can think through things better than I could before. Even though I haven’t been severely tested yet, every little piece of learning is helping to prepare me for any difficult situations in the future.
I’m quite envious of my students sometimes when I watch them laughing and playing together. I can feel the joy and excitement – it shines through their skin. It takes me back to those utter joyful days of excitement and wonder. Nothing else mattered except the fun to be had.
It has just struck me that the event that changed me was when we were at school at night time, to perform a play. All the students were there and lots of parents too. I had such a feeling of joy and connection that I wanted to kiss everybody. I was the same age as the kids in my class now.
When I wanted to kiss boys, I was mercilessly ridiculed by some of the more sexually advanced kids and they then gossiped to other kids and I left that once joyful night totally humiliated. Hmm. That night played on my mind for a long time and is obviously still clear to me now. Fucking kids.
From commonplace book
From quiet homes and first beginning Out of the undiscovered ends There’s nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends
Hilaire Belloe
To-do list
Start compiling exam questions ½
Check if emails can be compiled and printed ✅
Write more in school journal ✅
Can you find an opportunity to help someone
Keep practising – Think first, speak later
Strange day today. Only found out when I arrived that there was some event on all morning and there would be no lessons which meant changing my teaching plans somewhat. I really felt quite chill with everything today. Whilst others were complaining I thought it wasn’t useful. We always complain about the same things. We know they will happen again and again – so complaining isn’t going to change anything.
I sat in my classroom and did what I wanted all morning as I hadn’t been given any directive to be elsewhere. The lack of communication can work in my favour.
I compiled a bunch of outstanding emails and printed a bunch of things so I’m quite pleased with that. I started putting together the exam questions and have a few weeks left to complete all that.
I had lots of time as I also had no classes in the afternoon so I was able to read and write a lot. As I didn’t meet many adults today I didn’t really find an opportunity to help anyone. I would’ve liked to ask Kru Noon if she wanted me to do anything but I only saw her for about five minutes around lunchtime. I’ll keep in my mind that I should offer some help.
I spoke a bit more than necessary when I met some of the other teachers – must remember to keep some thoughts to myself. I didn’t overdo anything though. Just something to keep getting better at.
Tomorrow I will drive to Chiang Mai for my passport application. I challenge myself to drive more slowly – not over 100 km/h and to be more careful. I will go to Mohawk Bar in the evening and meet John Murrie – I’m interested in what he has to say about teaching and politics.
If I have time I will drop by International House and say hello. Also, if time and money permits I’d like to check out the bookshop that Oh recommended.
It’s taken me more than a year and a half to recover!
When I returned from the CELTA training course I found my brain had changed. I seem to flip between data driven thinking and artistic thinking and often cannot find a good balance. The training was very linear and intensive (as it should be) and on reflection now, some 18 months later, was easier to complete than I imagined beforehand and during. The pressure to achieve was very high but that pressure mostly came from within. Now, I realise that I can turn my hand to anything if I wish to.
Of course, the circumstances since the training have mostly helped me arrive at this conclusion. First I started doing some free teaching with students from the local university. This gave me a little self confidence though I was often shocked at the students poor language levels, in the language they are studying for their degrees, whatever the subject. I can suggest to myself that I could probably easily complete a degree at the university here purely based on the fact I can use the language fully. Anyway, that’s by the by for now as I’m not really considering that as an option at the moment.
After a few months kicking around and enjoying much free time I ended up working with Grade 5 students at a nearby provincial school. I have a million stories from there, many which I would like to forget. I soon discovered the crazy dysfunction in the education system here. If it’s obvious to me, an unqualified teacher starting their first job then the system must be pretty poor.
I don’t intend to tarnish the education system as a whole as that would be unfair. The circumstances I was in influenced a lot of my impressions and I try to understand that what I saw was not indicative of other places. It was, however, the belief of many others teaching here that things are not much better elsewhere in the country. There are a million reasons for this and books could be filled trying to explain. The main down side for me was that I felt that I was unable to do a good job and provide useful learning for the students a lot of the time. I hate doing a bad job – especially when eventually someone else is going to suffer for it. So that was the other down side – watching willing students deal with the inadequacies of the system which lead to inconsistency in almost everything. Frustrating beyond belief.
Beyond that though I have found myself with a passion and love for the students that has made me incredibly happy. It’s a job that I really love to invest my time in and to go to work to do it. I’ll talk more about this in future.
Just a short one this time as I push myself to get back into this.
“Every heartbeat, every movement, every moment, every sigh.”
Gratitude Journal
I am so grateful and happy to go to school on Friday, which was hard as I had been sick this week and had a bad experience on Monday. The kids also drove me crazy and made me quite angry but I survived and talked to Kru Noon about strategies to get them to listen more. I will take her advice and try this next week!
The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #15
Music from Hamster Theatre, Super Thief, Infidel-Castro!, Arm, Kultur Shock, Captain Beefheart, Fugazi, Bogshed, Brainiac, Neon Rose, By The End of Tonight, Rafter, Huggy Bear, Jimmy Two Hands, Zu/Mats Gustafsson, Secret Hate and The Ex.
When I was studying to learn to teach I was doing well in the first week but failed the initial assignment, eventually being given a pass. Then I failed the second assignment, eventually passing. Same with the 3rd and 4th. Initially discouraging I persisted until passing.
Those failures taught me about trying my best, not giving up. Now, when I have a bad day teaching I can consider all the factors and try my hardest to make improvements.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Amy again as she has soldiered on and cooked for me when I’m feeling under the weather but she is also not well. Today suddenly I have an urge to visit England again.
21st Apr 2021 – Just pre-Covid, this bug knocked me down for about 10 to 14 days and was by far the worst I’ve felt with the flu in the last few years. It’s unlikely that it was Covid and I think I eventually got rid of it and passed it on to others. I seem to remember a lot of people getting sick around this time.
After a great start to the weekend, things got a little more sober after Amy fell and hurt her face and hands. We were very quiet and recovering on Sunday.
Looking forward to coming back to school on Monday was brought to a sudden halt by discussions with the school and my agent about withholding two days of my pay for not attending the weekend seminar. I feel particularly aggrieved at this as it was not made clear to me that this would happen and it is not fair to withhold money for not attending an unpaid weekend of work. My agent blames the school and the school blames the agent. This is a very typical scenario here in Thailand and exactly the situation Amy warned me about.
But what to do now? Should I just accept the situation, stand up for myself further, walk away to something else (which may just end up with similar problems) or walk away from everything?
My learning shows that I should remain professional and unaffected emotionally by these types of situations but I still struggle with these things.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have read some positive things today otherwise I might have felt completely terrible due to a situation that happened at school. I’ll catch up with George briefly as he often knows the right thing to say.
14th July 2022 – Looking for a photo to use for this post I found what seems to indicate that I went to the local hospital on the next day and got myself a medical certificate giving me a day off, as a fuck you to the school for not paying me!
Last night I was sitting at home, alone in my house (Amy was at her parents) and I had a sudden feeling of blissful contentment. I felt that I could do anything in that moment.
Of course, many of the things that I want to do take a long time and it was too close to bedtime so I ended up going to bed and doing the usual reading. But the feeling was great. It really struck despite its brevity.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to myself because I have slowly learned how to improve myself, to feel contented most of the time and to enjoy the little things in life. I’m grateful I have continued to grow and learn. I have had to change the way I think and behave over the years so that I have been able to find some peace. I can’t imagine being alive if I hadn’t made those changes.
1994ever 