Tigger woke me up at 6am, he doesn’t understand weekends, telling me he will die if he doesn’t eat, so I wearily poured out some dried food, much to Cap’s disgust, fell back into bed and, resetting my 7.30 alarm for 8.30 dived deep into a sexy, though not sexual, dream about Nong Fah!
When my alarm went off I forced myself up and now I’m at Utopia and struggling to focus my eyes properly on my book.
Today I’m grateful for:
A change of plans. Today I was supposed to drive us all up to Doi Chang and here and there and all around but Mai’s family are all tired and/or sick with dodgy stomachs and even the backup plan of going to the Black House got cancelled and in the end everyone just came to our house and chilled in the air con.
The best thing about today was:
A whole load of mala sticks for dinner at a Chinese shop and even though I could’ve skipped dinner completely I ended up with a stack of vegetables and dug into the super spicy Sichuan sticks whilst sipping some soothing milk tea. I’m not sure yet how my stomach is going to react overnight.
Something I learned today?
As we don’t have internet in the house I am perusing my hard drive full of TV shows and movies and watching some of Paul Merton’s travel series around Europe. It’s maybe 20 or even 30 years old already but at that time there was a group of Germans who dressed a little to look like Nazis and carried flags with the same colours as the swastika symbol but with an apple shape instead. They would go outside known Nazi gathering spots in Berlin and chant things like ‘Drink more apple juice’ in a fun attempt to humiliate them.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
I happily drove Mai and family around this morning and afternoon, trying to keep Yaya occupied and happy.
Someone took this picture in Utopia and they used it on Facebook. I’m happy with my hair in this picture.
Good again. Pretty peppy with an underlying exhaustion just from adjustment to this routine again.
Mai, Dave and Yaya, along with Mai’s parents, arrive in Chiang Rai this morning and Amy will be busy with them for the next four days and I’ll be joining them after work this afternoon.
Today I’m grateful for:
Our step ladder so that I can try and organise our vine plant to grow over our entertainment area and perhaps stop a little of the rain in the future, though will undoubtedly block the gutters with dead leaves too.
The best thing about today was:
Getting on top of everything in preparation for being back in the classroom. I think I have a fairly clear idea for each class now and can adapt as I go. It was a good feeling to be back in the game so to speak.
I had felt pretty on the ball at the start of the holiday but then slacked off a lot for the last three weeks. I put up a self imposed barrier in my mind though thankfully found it easy to overcome. Though I’m damned tired right now! Tired but feeling great and positive.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I felt increasingly positive and happy as the day has gone on and nothing could stand in my way or bother me.
Something I learned today?
Mai’s husband Dave was so excited when he got to Thailand that he overindulged in smoking too much weed last night and had to spend the day sleeping today, so I haven’t actually seen him yet.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I drove Amy and I back into the city at 5 pm and the traffic is getting busy again after the holidays. I picked up Mai and her family and took us to the restaurant for a really nice meal with Amy’s mum and dad joining too.
I took this picture because this is another Yaya that I know.
I recently received a letter from PastMe which I had written one year previously. In that letter, it was scout week and Aing and Now were here for Aing’s graduation. And so it is this time, scout week and Aing and Now are visiting again for their friend’s graduation.
Yesterday we went on a walk up to Khun Korn waterfall where I couldn’t help myself and stripped down and jumped into the freezing waters and felt the breath pushed out of my body by the water dropping the ten metres or so onto my head. It felt amazing. I feel revitalised but also tired today.
It was a funny coincidence that for scout week the M3 students were also at Khun Korn so I dropped by and saw them all getting cold, wet and dirty. They looked like they were having begrudging fun.
The future is not clear so I’ll just keep going until I receive this letter and can reflect back on what happened. Amy and I have discussed possibilities such as my going to Australia for a little break and then coming back together. This would be around the end of the year. She is also considering going to work with Mai for a while if she gets pregnant again. She is definitely going to Athens and Santorini in July before coming back to help me with my visa again. We also discussed her return here to maybe teach a little again and think about opening a small cafe/restaurant here. I still hope she decides to do that because that was one of our original plans when moving here. I wonder what the situation will be by the time of reading this!?
The world is open to many possibilities for us, which is a good place to be.
Will I remember the struggle this year of dealing with my troublesome classes? Will it have been any better with my new classes? I hope I have found some strategies for better dealing with it.
I’m also busy being lazy. Reading, watching TV, listening to music. But also spending a lot of time updating 1994ever.com. Not that it will ever be finished but I hope I’m closer to having all the pre-2000s information completed by now. There’s still a lot of stuff to go through.
I’m enjoying life though not quite as much as last year. Right now, I feel a little stuck in an anticipatory wait. Maybe I need to make something happen next. Or maybe it’s just a feeling and not my reality. How am I feeling now?
These letters to myself are not as easy to write as they are to other people! So with that I’ll be off for now!
Today I’m feeling:
Sick with a cold. My sore throat was hurting through the night and I woke up with a head full of snot. I think I’ll not hang out for too long this morning before heading home and finding some medicine, rest and sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The pharmacy that was open in the village where I bought medicine for fever, sore throat and itchy nose. KhaoTang’s mum’s shop was closed today as were a few other places, possibly due to the Chinese New Year.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling very relaxed despite my sickness. I had nowhere to be and nothing to do beyond whatever I wanted. I wrote to Rob and caught him up on some of my news. I’ll try to keep that communication going again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite being hungry, eating was a bit of a struggle. I didn’t really have an appetite and even though I knew the food was tasty my receptors weren’t getting the message. I forced myself to eat it all though.
Something I learned today?
China made a microchip that uses light rather than electrons. It is said to be three thousand times faster than its electron equivalent and uses so little energy in comparison that it could last for 500 years before needing a recharge.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 15. Rest Before You Are Tired. Even if you love your job, and every day seems like a holiday, you need to take time to rest. You’re a human and not an android, never forget that.
I love rest but I also hate it. I lay down too much and spend many hours reading in that position. I love reading. It feels like resting. I like to get things done. I always like to be lazy. I push myself too much and my body forces me to stop. I’m still working on getting the balance right. Another decade or two and I should be good to go!
I took this picture because I thought these tiny little flowers were cute when I walked around Mum’s garden last week. My mind has been focused on words rather than pictures this week.
Why is the way the way it is? Blue corner white, red corner black The fighting cocks duke it out With their Gods at their back
All the knowledge the child digests Unquestioned and never put to test Makes the world the way it is And unlikely to ever be at rest
Today I’m feeling:
Lazy and a little uninspired. Last night Amy went to stay at her mum’s and it was cold enough to enjoy a whisky and I ended up finishing off what was left of the two bottles here. I didn’t feel too drunk but also didn’t feel great this morning either. The pleasure wasn’t worth it.
Today I’m grateful for:
The TV and Xbox for keeping my sore brain busy today.
The best thing about today was:
Lard Na for brunch. Healthy and delicious and got rid of my minor hangover.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Last night I went to bed at about 11 and noticed a missed call from Amy. As she had told me that she was staying at her mum’s house I figured she was just calling to say good night so I didn’t call back.
At some point during the night she called again but it was all a bit of a blur though I could remember something about helping her today at 8 am because she had been pulled over at a checkpoint. I immediately got back to sleep and my usual 6 am alarm annoyingly woke me up. Then I noticed Amy in her bed and she said, one more hour, to which I agreed. Even though I was confused at what she was doing here I easily slept again until 7 and the reset alarm.
We both hazily got up without talking much and eventually headed to the police station in the city.
Apparently Amy was out with friends last night and then went to meet Aun at Tawandang and as she was leaving there at around 2am she got pulled over at a police checkpoint and breathalysed. In typical Thai style, they told her that she should check the local websites before driving so that she can avoid checkpoints! And after they told her to come to the station in the morning they just let her drive off again!
Anyway, at the station she signed some papers and was told to come back again at 10 to go to court. As we didn’t know how long all this was going to take, she dropped me back home first.
Something I learned today?
In the court Amy accepted a 5000 baht fine and has to do some kind of community service, also reporting back to an office somewhere three times and if she’s found to have done anything else wrong she could face 7 days in jail!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
Taking Amy into the city in the morning, though I’m not sure why I was needed except I was happy to provide moral support.
Fah took this picture yesterday with Jet on the left and Mai on the right. I like these kids and their group of friends (Lin, Noah, Gina, Guitar and Poom). No new pictures today.
Great. Last day before five days off. Pushed through arm and chest exercises this morning that really tested my endurance. My muscles ache and feel good.
Happy to be at school amongst all the happy kids, though many have skipped today after all the excitement of sports day yesterday.
I left pretty quickly to sit and catch up with coffee. Enjoying being here but also want to get back to the party atmosphere. Everything is easy.
Today I’m grateful for:
The lady who served me in the 7/11 this morning. It’s a job, someone has to do it and she did her job. Thank you.
The best thing about today was:
Everything. It’s been a really nice day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Yesterday I appropriated Fah’s phone whilst she was in the stands and I wandered off taking multiple random photos just to fill up her phone. I gave it back after ten minutes or so and she shook her head at all the pictures now on her phone.
So today, to let her get me back I unlocked my phone and gave it to her whilst I was playing volleyball with her friends. I got it back about 15 minutes later and forgot about it until I got home.
I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes scrolling through 100s of photos, deleting half, considering the rest and wondering what to do with them all. There are some nice shots in there, though many were just of Fah, Jet and Mai messing around pulling faces and not many of me and the ones of me make me look old, which I am (but don’t want to be!).
Phone cameras are so good these days that it’s easy to zoom in and see every line, wrinkle or sag on the skin!
Something I learned today?
Australia is wider than the moon, with a diameter from east to west of almost 4000km! But this is only when considering diameter and not land area. If you flattened the moon out it would actually be wider.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I spent 100 baht (of my last 700 baht in the bank) on some wafer snacks for my students’ Christmas party today. I personally handed them out to everyone and wished them a Merry Christmas.
After getting home I let Amy take a nap and took myself off to my room so that she wasn’t disturbed.
As I was walking around the school I caught up with Baipad, Jan and Apple twice and Baipad was sleeping both times. The second time I dragged her up for a walk and sat down elsewhere to talk with her one-on-one.
She’s a sweet introverted kid who is resisting the responsibilities of growing up. I gave her words of encouragement and sent her back to her friends, and probably more sleep.
How did my relationships change this year?
My relationships this year have been 90% with my students and 10% with anyone else. My relationship with my students evolves over the course of the year.
The kids I taught at the beginning of the year I don’t teach so often now and we have all relaxed into a happy friendly environment in classes.
With the new students I got in May we have all gotten to know each other to varying degrees in that time. These are the relationships I value highly these days.
My relationship with Amy changed slightly again this year as she returned to Chiang Rai from Australia.
In most ways, we are back to what we were before she left. We and our relationship with each other is very familiar. It’s not boring but sometimes predictable. That is somewhat of a comfort for me at this stage in my life.
I think it is also for Amy but she still has the energy to consider going off and doing things and perhaps still looking to the future. It’s not contentious for either of us, just a matter of fact of the different stages of our lives.
There’s a honey latte running through her head So sweet and milky, her memory a thread Not knowing the day, she ventures to the city Things she thought she knew shined so pretty
Alone, together, the hands are like ghosts Long gone now, sailed to separate coasts Eyeing the barista, nails polished black A laptop hipster, personified slack
She’s a wanna-be adult, yet still sixteen Smart and serious but remains unseen Loving the self-loathing, when will she arrive? Only when she realises she’s always been alive
Wishing for the future and suddenly it’s gone Standing in the middle of what she wanted for so long Nothing left to prove, no longer the impostor Discounted all the time that getting here cost her
Here’s to the memory, the empty honey cup Close the cafe door, breathe til she’s full up Treading familiar sidewalks always reveals the change Yesterday, today and tomorrow always seem so strange
A little tired with a headache and cough again. I didn’t sleep well due to discomfort in my shoulders. I woke up and exercised and felt good for that but my eyes are aching again.
I wondered if part of the problem was connected to the air quality so I checked on the AirVisual app and saw that the quality is already poor and approaching dangerous. Amy has also suddenly got her cough and runny nose back. We will put the air filter in the bedroom tonight.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to get paid a little money this month at least. Nancy has figured out some trickery so that I won’t starve just yet.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out that all classes are reduced to 50 minutes for December as kids go off for sports practice at the end of each day. There are also three days off this month. Great.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got to House I was hanging for coffee but Gui’s machine was broken. I stayed a while doing some lesson checking and planning but couldn’t wait in the end and went around to Hobby coffee and I don’t know if it was just the wait but the first cup I got there tasted of delicious honey. I took a second cup back to school and carried on planning.
Something I learned today?
My old student Fah, who was always a bit of a handful but I was drawn to her because she reminded me of me when I was her age, got kicked out of school last semester due to lack of attendance, work, care etc. I wondered why I hadn’t seen her for a while.
Apparently, she has become even worse since, though she is supposed to be studying at another school.
I think she felt an affinity with me, maybe because I never gave her too much of a hard time and encouraged her more than berated her, every time she saw me, without fail she would give me a big hug.
I hope she makes it out there.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent Nong Fah (Sonsawan) an encouraging message to keep going with English in the future, using Amy’s story as evidence.
I helped fix many students’ microphone access so that they could read my work today. I’ve managed to figure out on most phones how to change the setting’s language to English and from there allow them microphone access.
When one of my students accidentally mixed up their words today and asked me if I was studying instead of if I was teaching, I told them ‘Yes, I’m always learning!’
I finally got to congratulate Funfai in person and she is very proud of herself for winning four trophies.
Despite being tired and wanting to get home I stayed and played Uno with Kru Ren, Jet, Noah, Lin and Mai after my class had finished and somehow the kids conspired to make sure that the teachers didn’t win. It was a lot of fun.
I gave my last candies to two of my laziest students, trying to buy their attention for our next class!
Rista asked if we could make Christmas cards in our class again like we did last year. Well, I don’t see why not?
I took this picture because as Tonaor and Nicha were on their way to their next class they suddenly shouted out ‘selfie’ and this was the result. I’d forgotten about it until now.
With no subjects, you are no king Perhaps just the king of nothing No one to serve and bring To give your life the desired meaning
Addicted to looking on down From the belltowers of the town An arsenal of words to deploy The superiority for one to enjoy The minions though, now vacated The unknowingly abdicated
Today I’m feeling:
I managed to sleep around midnight but kept waking up, eventually getting up at 9.30 but not really waking up until coffee and breakfast at 11. Even so, I think I could sleep again now. I miss the times of long good sleep, about two weeks ago!
I got a photo from Noey yesterday of her and Art in Utopia without me, where we all usually are on Sunday mornings.
Today I’m grateful for:
Dave and Mai to pick us up and pick up Amy’s things that she can’t bring back to Thailand, drive us into the city and enjoy breakfast together.
The best thing about today was:
A general feeling of calm and well-being, noticed particularly when sitting in Three Wise Monkies as Amy drank a red wine and I looked out of the window as folks struggled with the sudden cold wind and rain.
Something I learned today?
Israel advised people to leave the North Gaza Strip before they would bomb there. That’s nice, isn’t it? Then, they bombed the people as they were out in the open leaving. There will be war forever in Israel. Even when Palestine has disappeared completely, the Zionist agenda has made too many victims.
I took this picture because I was quite impressed with this view from the top floor of Myer.Fatman report
Always searching for the elusive Open to interpretation Blown along like leaves in the wind To catch on to inspiration There’s no dogma here on the fence With a view of the garden on each side Just going along with the flow And the push and pull of the tide We’re humbled by the mysterious In awe of those who rage There’s a beautiful idea here Just waiting for the page
inspired by Red Hand Files #229
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.
The best thing about today was:
I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time.
Something I learned today?
I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.
Describe a perfect day from start to finish.
Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!
I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.
Everyone was asking me why I wasn’t drawing pictures of Amy, so I thought I’d prepare a little surprise for our 11th wedding anniversary. I started with one of us together and then ones with Amy and one of her friends. I then sent these digitally to her friends and asked them all to send them back to Amy digitally today. It was fun to plan all this and it got me a lot of practice with sketching.
Shaun and AmyAmy and JessicaFern and AmyMay and AmyAmy and MueyAmy and GraceBillie and AmyMai and AmyAmy and Bookie
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the TV in our hotel room last night. The porter switched it on when bringing in our bags and I thought it was weird to turn on the TV. As I was waiting for Amy I switched channels by total coincidence they had the ABC Channel and the Swans game was being shown live. I managed to watch the first half before we had to go out for dinner.
1994ever 