A varied melancholy, pulsating darkness Even though full and flourished Despite outward appearance and circumstances Darkness wills to be nourished
Untended beds, fallow of seed Indisposition of the spirit The lack of meaning we all need Only if willing to hear it
Acknowledge the ineffable, under cover Unmeasurable, outside the rational Keep the devils at bay, from taking over Connect the universal truths eternal
I have fallen into a habit of writing at a cafe near my school. It’s fairly quiet and with a bit of reading of other people’s writing, I am usually inspired to write a poem or two myself.
The downside to this is that I have found it more difficult to write at other times and so when it is the weekend or school holidays I have to force myself more to find the time and place to write.
I have a blog policy to only have one post a day and have been adding a poem a day for the last three years or so. Up until about six months ago, I was always a week behind with posts but since using many different prompt blogs I’ve managed to get a couple of months ahead, so posts will still keep coming even after I’m gone!
As a writer, I find it important to read as much as possible. Books-wise I pick ones that I am interested in but blog and poetry-wise I’m still refining what interests me, sometimes slogging through poems and prose that doesn’t engage me at all. That is still a lesson for myself though, helping me to define more what it is that I want to say.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good after a slow start. I wasn’t sure which way things were going to go as I could easily have slept until 10 am given the chance.
However, I was up at 6 am and did a little testing workout and now all Amy’s cookies are gone, I’m slowly losing some weight again!
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Mai organising another two hours for me to teach on Monday morning after having that time freed up with the grade 12 HAP students off for three months training.
Initially, when I approached him about it he said that I could have free time and he was a little surprised when I told him that I didn’t want free time but wanted to teach.
The best thing about today was:
Writing and posting a decent poem that got some nice feedback. I’m starting to feel reasonably competent with my writing and getting feedback certainly helps with that.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’m still being lazy when I get home from school and just sit watching TV. I want to push myself more but also understand my body may not be so willing these days.
Something I learned today?
I was reminded that today is my old primary student PunPun’s birthday. I haven’t seen her for four years now and I asked her if she kept in touch with her old classmates and I was surprised to hear that she didn’t contact them at all!
Review your acts, Good and bad.
Baipad messaged me talking about flying foxes so I regaled her with information about them in the Royal Botanical Gardens in Sydney.
She also talked about making art from animal bones and it reminded me of The Black House and I offered to take her and her friends there if they wished.
I took these pictures to send to Jan and told her that we all miss her. As you can see, Apple and Baipad are both suitably unimpressed at having their pictures taken in the morning.
With a hammer in hand Chiselling at the stone Crafting at the life planned In one’s thoughts alone
Painting cloudless skies To fall down to this earth Daydream a new surprise Meaning defines its worth
An artist in every way Reflecting deep-held traits When words can never say The statue silently states
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good but in some pain. I fell asleep on my back last night which was pretty unusual for me but I soon woke up needing to pee. Back to side sleeping, my shoulders ached me awake again a few times so when my alarm went off I wanted to sleep a bit more but then I was feeling pain on the left side of my jaw as my rotten teeth decided it was time to tell me to go back the dentist. With needing to pee again it was time to get up. I still managed to motivate myself with a 100 star-jumps and out to have a day of coffee, reading and ironing.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to watch a funny podcast on YouTube that made ironing 17 shirts more pleasant than normal.
The best thing about today was:
I found out Hayden has a new girlfriend called Vashti and I was surprised to hear that she is Aboriginal. I’m not sure why I find that surprising. I only ever met his first girlfriend who was a stereotypical pretty blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. He sounded very happy today and looking forward to his new job doing support work which he is hoping to start in the next week or two.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
In general, the garden is out of my control or more specifically it is too big and I’m too lazy to get it under control fully. My priorities lay elsewhere. Handled by Amy asking if we needed the gardeners to come again to which I replied ‘Yes!’
Something I learned today?
Having removed a ton of YouTube subscriptions I returned to Little Chinese Everywhere and Yan’s journey from Europe to China. This time she was in a small Georgian village nestled in amongst rolling green mountains. One particular interaction stood out to me when the old lady owner brought breakfast and Yan said thank you in Georgian and the old lady gave her a hug and said thank you in Chinese. It reminded me of the goodness within most of humanity.
What mystery fascinates me?
Ultimately the mysteries of the truths of the world. Growing to be more aware of histories written by victors or manipulated by those in a position of strength I’m left contemplating what it is that I know that is true. So many lies are so often repeated these days and so much information and counter-information is available. What is it that I should believe?
Mysteries of origin, the universe, the planet, humanity. How can it not entertain the mind? The existential mystery of meaning.
The mystery of what I will eat tomorrow.
I took this picture because I found Tigger sitting here in the unkempt grass and though his colour is stark against the green in this picture he somehow blends in and would be difficult to spot for unsuspecting critters wandering by. Here he just seemed to be enjoying the sun after dinner and looking a little majesterial.
I hate myself and I’m letting go I’m about to tell you what I know Transferring hate counters my pain Until I start to feel the hate again
A vicious circle, beyond my control I chose to further damage my soul If you refuse this hate from me How will I ever learn to be?
Closed my mind to all your tales All my successes feel like fails I found myself brought to my knees To spread more pain as I please
A walking contradiction runs away From all the friends that want to play A pain no longer able to bear And no helping hands left to care
A loser in life, love and existence Taking the path of least resistance Kill me now, I’m scared to commit Suicide – I just can’t do it
Today I’m feeling:
Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.
The best thing about today was:
Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!
Something I learned today?
I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.
What are some of my favourite song lyrics?
All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.
I took this picture because I received a nice package from Reece in the USA containing the Flesh Narc compilation which I will release soon, along with a whole slew of bonuses that I will have to find time to enjoy.
Kojaked caveman meditating Declares life is a fountain No ears received this pronunciation At the hole in the mountain
Yulled madmen levitating In boxes across the skies Searching for any piece of wisdom To answer the many whys
For fifty years the mystic Held his arm above his head Heard the echo from the cave And suddenly fell down dead
The market stopped a breath Then continued walking about The circle of life and death Is all it’s ever been talking about
Today I’m feeling:
Sick, headache, tired from lack of sleep because my eyes were sore and kept waking me up.
Today I’m grateful for:
The fact that I can take a day off work, go to the hospital, afford medicine and sit inside with the air purifier. I know these are getting repetitive but when I see labourers working outdoors in this pollution I must feel very grateful.
The best thing about today was:
Getting prescribed pseudoephedrine at the hospital for my nose being blocked and irritated and then lorazepam to help me sleep. My body is a medicine cabinet! The pseudoephedrine has put me off eating though. Not sure if I will go back to work tomorrow yet.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I felt like lots of things were out of my control today but just let it go. My health, the air, waiting at the hospital, the medicines provided and then the effects of taking the medicines.
Amy was critical of me wanting to stay here but what can I do right now? I’m here and our cats are here. Yes, this situation sucks and we could change it if we wanted but that would involve us buying a place to live in South Thailand.
Hopefully, this pollution problem goes soon, it’s already better today but I hope it gets fixed properly for the future.
The last couple of years have been really good here. Wherever we go has its good and bad points.
Something I learned today?
Watching Tim Newton talking about Thai news today was interesting as it featured the pollution problem here in the north. Apparently, there were protests at the district office in CR yesterday and there are more people speaking out now about the issue. I’m still doubtful anything will get done quickly or anything substantial but who knows.
What changes am I experiencing right now?
The change from teaching to holiday is fucking me up. I’m getting lazy though other things factor into that too, such as the weather and pollution. I have to find some things to do during this time to keep my brain occupied and body moving.
I took this picture because after finishing at the hospital I went to Utopia for coffee and was presented with this!
The delicious perfume of this candle that Amy brought from Australia for me. No matter how much you try to save money when buying perfumed candles the more you spend the better the smell and its lasting effect.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling in a great mood in the morning, chatting with students and spending time with them without any rush, then spending about three hours drinking coffee and updating the blog (1983 diary entries completed) and then back to school again for more chat and some play before shopping and home.
After eating dinner though I’ve run out of steam and ready for bed before the sun has even set.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was excited to get a call from FedEx as it meant they would deliver the SSD I needed which will hopefully upgrade my iMac and get it running again.
Unfortunately, when the delivery guy arrived he needed almost 800 baht in import tax before handing it over, adding another 40 bucks to the cost. What can I do?
I hope this all works in the end otherwise I’ll just have ended up with an expensive SSD drive and still no desktop computer.
Something I learned today?
I’ve made some lessons that require audio input from myself and the students and I went to record this afternoon but it sounds really odd when played back. There’s an option to upload mp3s so that seemed like the way to go except there is no simple way to do that without downloading new software. You can record to m4a files and then hopefully (I haven’t tested yet) can convert them in Apple Music.
I forgot how simple things can be once they’ve been set up, such as I had on my main computer and then just ran and worked forever. Now I’m back to fiddling around again to do this initial setup.
What is something I can do today to improve my well-being?
That would be the exercise I did this morning and the early night I’m about to get this evening so I can catch up on some sleep.
I took this picture because when I got home today I was greeted by this menagerie along with Tangmo and the white and black cat on the terrace. A few others in the village were investigating the herd just outside too. It seems to have grown as I only remember there being five last year though maybe he has smaller herds stashed around the village. My guess is that the aunties next door want the poop and the benefit of the jungle being kept at bay for free. Their vegetable garden is doing very well and none of the land belongs to the aunties or the cowman but it’s all for the common good.
Woke up to thunder, or was it a truck? I couldn’t hear any rain, must’ve been a truck. Wait, there it is again, must be thunder. Where’s the damn rain? Soon my alarm goes off and even though I’ve only had six hours of sleep and feel a little achy, I’m feeling good and do my little exercises and then, finally, a little rain falls though not enough to mean I don’t need to water the garden still. It’s still misty and hazy with low clouds too, so it’s difficult to tell if the rain has had much impact on the air quality yet. I drive to school without rush for a change and hang out with the few kids who still bothered to come, particularly enjoying catching up with my old students, Aon, Aomsin and Wan, who fill me in with the latest classroom gossip. It’s fascinating to see the changes in these kids over the three years I’ve known them and to get some idea of the direction they would like to head in. Aomsin told me how the class dynamics had changed and I mentioned another class that were all good friends in grades 7 and 8 and then all split into different factions in grade 9. Aomsin said, ‘Of course because we are all growing up.’ It made me question why, when we grow up, we lose that forgiveness for our friends?
Why is it cold in winter? Why do I get sick at sea? And why the hell do the people In the street keep jostling me?
Today I did some things wrong And maybe I got some things right What can I do better next time I’ll reflect on that each night
inspired and borrowed from Seneca
Today I’m feeling:
Good. A little nervous to get back into the classroom but it will be good to get back to it for the last five or so weeks of the semester.
Today I’m grateful for:
My step ladder and broom that allowed me to get to the leaves on the coverings of the outbuildings so that I could clean them up a little. If I want to complete the job I need to get up on the roof again. Not sure I’m quite ready for that adventure.
The best thing about today was:
My mind. From waking til bedtime my mind has been happily occupied with restful and positive thoughts. I even stopped myself a couple of times and thought ‘hey, I feel good!’ Could it be down to a good eight or nine-hour sleep? Can I convince my brain to get eight hours more often as perhaps my aim of seven hours is not serving me best?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
All good today perhaps because I have been thinking about my classes tomorrow and how to counter the risk of them getting out of control. I’m not sure I’ve done enough but tomorrow will tell the tale.
Something I learned today?
Yesterday I learned that there is no border crossing between Turkey and Armenia. Something to do with the two countries not having good relations though I don’t know why.
Today I read Fukuyama’s The End of History essay which was written in 1989. It was an interesting read that in hindsight has perhaps been proven not to be quite as predicted. I would like to see his reflection on it now.
What brings my life meaning and purpose?
My thoughts are the only things that can bring my life meaning and purpose. My thoughts may drive me to action and those actions will be assigned meaning and purpose by my thoughts. And my actions and thoughts will be assigned meaning and purpose by others, though they may not be the same.
I took this picture because this is the friendly happy cute dog at the shop next to Utopia where I’m getting LardNa for lunch before heading to Daytripper again to hang out for the afternoon.
Beauty fades as knowledge grows And wisdom comes too late To understand what the old one knows As the acceptance of this fate
When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.
Viktor Frankl
Today I’m feeling: Happy and chilled Today I’m grateful for: The lady in the print shop helping me to print out a few things I needed. Some for school but also printouts from my blog which I will send to Hayden. The best thing about today was: Finishing reading a couple of books. I love the anticipation of starting a new book, a new journey, new knowledge. What movies do you need to watch? This is easy. There are NO movies that I NEED to watch. I have a hard-drive full of movies that I’d like to watch along with many DVDs, Netflix and YouTube. And perhaps, hopefully, one day I will. I may even try it tomorrow, now that it is in my head.
I took this picture because as I was enjoying my walk home this morning I recalled when I did my first exploratory motorbike ride around the village and came down here, where the sign seems to indicate no entry. I sat on my bike undecided whether to go forward or turn back and as I looked around a lady outside the adjacent house called out and waved me through. I soon discovered that everyone used this shortcut and they just didn’t want cars coming through. Today though, I noticed that someone has taken the trouble to re-gravel the track so there are no more puddles and potholes. Wish this had been done before the rainy season.
I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Mungo. He reminds me of me when I was younger. Searching for truth and meaning in different places. I’m still searching but have a better idea of where to look more that I’m older.
To-do list
Clear stage 4 guitar ½
Study more Ableton
Find things that you can do for others ½
Find a suitable git for Amy
More drawing
I’ve been feeling pretty good all round since I started getting up early again and doing minimal exercise, yoga and meditation. It seems to give me the energy I need for the day.
Going for coffee now is my time to study Thai. I don’t stay much longer than necessary as I used to. It was nice to hang out with George and Dylan at De Lanna in the mornings but it was getting a little repetitive. We would also often stay quite a long time and the coffee is no good now Manow has left and it wasn’t great to start with.
It was a little difficult to break away from doing this each morning and I think George took it a little personally. I also was overthinking everything but all is fine now. I also wanted to spend more time focusing on language learning and it would be kinda rude to do that whilst in company.
I didn’t tell them that I was studying much more as I didn’t want any external pressure about it. I put enough pressure on myself. I’m making slow but steady progress. I challenge myself to do three apps worth of study every day. Some of it is sticking.
I recorded the last Chiang Rai Alternative Hour this week. It’s been fun to focus on that for this past 12 months or so during lockdowns and no travel. I’d like to spend some more time just listening to and enjoying music again. Something which I’m doing as I write this.
I have a few other things I’d like to do more of as well, such as drawing, improving at guitar, learning more about Ableton and reading more. I have to remember that I have lots of time.
1994ever 