Tag: Mee

The Muddy River – 6th April 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Don’t wait until it’s too late to realise
A life isn’t lived if it’s lived in fear
Even though we fall we still hope to rise
We sure could use a drink down here

The further we go the further back we get*
The possibilities only ever feel near
Along the way exclaiming ‘Are we there yet?’
We sure could use a drink down here

Wherever this winding river will lead
Its waters are more muddy than clear
It pays to suffer, it pays to bleed
And we sure could use a drink down here

Submitted to Writer’s Workshop Prompts – thirsty and NaPoMo
*Appropriated from Mudhoney

Today I’m feeling:

Lazy and happy.  Woke up at 10 am and have not been motivated to do much of anything really.

I came across this quote yesterday that I quite liked:

“Delusions believed by billions are still delusions and the truth of one humanity embraced by even one human is still the truth.”

Abhijit Naskar

Today I’m grateful for:

Finally receiving my classes list for next semester.  I have a wider range of classes so will have to do more preparation and will start getting into that on Monday.

The best thing about today was:

Eating a bowl of LungChom ice cream.  It’s been a year that I’ve been denying myself because it is so nice and I was getting too fat from it, so I’ll enjoy it again now and try to resist falling into any further addiction.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Talking with Anchan breaks my heart.  She doesn’t know anything about what happened with her mum in court and is sad, lonely and frustrated in Chiang Mai.  I discovered that her mum is in a Myanmar prison which is just a nightmare.

I suggested many things to try and take her mind off her situation but she is in a pretty negative state of mind.  She did cry that she should be enjoying her teenage life and not having to deal with all this.

I saw that her and Fah were friendly at the end of last semester so I contacted Fah and asked her to chat with Anchan, just to be a friend.  I hope some contact will keep her a little grounded.

Something I learned today?

Bonism – the doctrine that the world is good, although not the best of all possible worlds

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I moved around some plants for Amy and fixed up the vine plant so that it should grow over the empty roof space and hopefully give some natural shade at least.

Mee took this picture sometime last year. I’m pleased that she is feeling better than last year.

Burn – 12th December 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Forgive the fire the pain
The hand pulls away
You’ve broken down again
Beautiful, in a way

Who you were is worthy
Of the love in your heart
Your mind made up too early
You pulled it all apart

Once the scar has healed
The tears have all dried
The love deserved revealed
Comes from deep inside

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

Struggled through exercise this morning as I’m still tired despite a long sleep and my first class was a little difficult to settle down but we all got there in the end.

Today I’m grateful for:

There not being the bad traffic I was expecting when driving home. There are some events going on around the city and surrounds during this month as well as royal visits that close off roads from time to time. But not today! Hooray!

The best thing about today was:

Doing some investigation, planning and discussion with Nampan from SpeechOdd for an upcoming vinyl release. I’m hoping that this will help me get more involved with the scene here in Thailand.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Both my first and last classes were difficult and annoying today but I persevered, having to keep the second class late due to constant interruptions. It doesn’t help that my lessons are designed for two full hours and now we only have 100 minutes.

Something I learned today?

Just as I’m writing here this evening I got a message from Jan wanting me to talk with ****** because tonight she wants to kill herself! Sigh… it’s easy to see how despondent kids can get in the home environments here sometimes.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Talking with Jan and ******, getting information from one and consoling the other.

Offering a helping hand to Freya who is also suffering from depression as well as some physical ailments.

Sharing in the happiness of Mee, who also tried to kill herself last year, but today ran up to me to give me a big hug and smiles, pronouncing that her mum is home from abroad after a long period of absence. Hopefully, this will be enough to turn her life around.

Offering to help out to teach some extra classes since two of our teachers have left recently.

How does my body feel today?

It’s pretty good today actually. I did arm exercises this morning but didn’t feel any after-effects from that during the day, even feeling compelled to do 10 push-ups in the evening. Yes, it’s not much but this weakling old man has to start somewhere and started I have.

After my exercise in the morning, I noticed a sharp pain in my foot like I was standing on a sharp stone. I then just thought that perhaps an ant had bitten me. It wasn’t until I got home after school I found that it was a thin deep cut. I didn’t feel anything whilst wearing shoes at school but in bare feet again it’s painful as hell as every time I put weight on it the cut opens up.

Apart from still aching shoulders after the weekend ride everything else is feeling just about at the normal level of ache for a 56-year-old boy.

I took this panorama picture on Saturday because the whole view was just magnificent. A picture doesn’t do it justice really. No pictures today.

No More Shiny Things – 25th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

What is left to be pursued?
The bigger, brighter things have faded
Realising that there’s nothing new
Has made us all become jaded

No longer entranced by shiny things
It’s all been seen and done before
A mind that’s closing sooner brings
Death knocking at your door

5th Oct 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – pursuant

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and good! I slept early last night and ended up waking a little earlier but as it was still dark I tried to get back to sleep and when I finally got real deep into it again the alarm went off.

I pushed and struggled through exercises telling myself how much better I will feel afterwards. My arms and legs ache at the joints from all the extra work they’ve been doing but ultimately my body feels more together and capable. I can only imagine how I might feel if I had treated myself better in my teens, twenties and thirties.

In my early thirties, I started going to the gym after work and then straight to the beach to bodyboard. I always felt great after that but rewarded myself by drinking. One step forward, one step back.

Today I’m grateful for:

The nice taxi driver that took drunk Amy home from the city this evening. It reminds me that most people are ok.

The best thing about today was:

Messaging with Nong Mee and getting an update on how she is doing as I rarely see her these days. She is the girl who swallowed a bunch of pills last semester. She said she is doing better and that even when she feels down she knows both myself and some of her friends are there to support her. I was heartened to read that and happy for her too.

Something I learned today?

I read in Derek Sivers’s book Hell Yeah Or No that our beliefs and understanding of the world are based on our location. 

Obvious, true, but the point was that when you go to foreign places, the people there grow up with their own set of beliefs and understanding. Rather than take the approach that our way is best we need to unlearn our own beliefs and accept different ones. 

Even knowing your way is better it’s not appropriate to try and change something blatantly. Gradually, exposure on both sides will find some kind of agreement.

I know I struggled with this when I started teaching in Thailand. Of course, I want to improve things for the lives of those I’m teaching. I no longer think I can do that with words but rather through actions and just being.

Quote: Day by day, what you do is who you become. – Heraclitus

I guess it’s obvious. But when you are in the middle of being you, and always believing you are right, the obvious becomes obscured. 

Since my late teens, I became less confident in the things that I knew. Doubt crept into everything. 

For a long time, I considered myself a fence sitter, often admiring those who held strong beliefs. Now I have come around to the fact that the fence is often the best place to be. The wind can blow in different directions. Whilst there may be universal truths everything else is always up for debate.

How did I practice stillness?

I’m going to say that I practice this when I’m reading. I know my brain is still active but I am usually focused within the story, almost out of body.

Even when I do meditation my brain struggles to calm though I do generally feel less stressed after. I know it’s a matter of practice. I don’t think I’m in a state of stress that requires me to counter it with converted efforts towards stillness really.

I took this picture because after I finished my class around 4 pm I ended up playing volleyball with Nicha and one of the boys and got soaked with sweat as there is no cover in the playground at the moment. The sun kept appearing through the broken clouds along with the already high humidity. Nicha joked about how cold she was when I tried to block the sun with my hand. I didn’t even really cool down in the aircon of the car on the drive home and the house was already stinking inside so I tried to cool down with a shower but even that was a struggle. Then, seemingly suddenly, it got dark and proceeded to rain heavily non-stop for about thirty minutes resulting in all this water sitting on top of the soil under the trees, the ground already too waterlogged to soak up more. The rain has calmed down a little now but is still coming down with no sign of it stopping just yet.

Grasp – 29th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The future is heading faster towards me
Time is running out to get things done
But what exactly is it that I should be doing?
I must be serious but want to have fun

When did I stop enjoying my life?
I can’t remember when I last laughed
Satisfaction always seems beyond my reach
No matter how many times I grasped

Today I’m feeling:

I can’t say it’s been a good day but my feeling has slowly brightened since its beginning at least.

Today I’m grateful for:

The security guard at Central who didn’t move me on from waiting in the car outside the entrance whilst Amy ran in to get lasagna sheets for cooking lunch tomorrow. Thanks, dude. I saw you doing a great job moving barriers for the VIP car owners.

The best thing about today was:

A big sushi dinner in an odd little family cabin space near the city. What it lacked in amenities, atmosphere and Japanesness was made up with good tasting food. Makes me want to go back to Japan though. Nothing beats the real deal.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After Baew and Mee had gone last night I helped Amy clean up the room not realising they had broken a glass and I had just walked barefoot through its remains. Luckily no damage done. Amy and Baew had managed to get through three bottles of wine and they both looked droopy-eyed and worse for wear.

I went in for a shower whilst Amy stayed a bit longer to clean and listen to music. After I finish my shower Amy appears with a bleeding foot, presumably from stepping on some rogue piece of glass. But she’s also annoyed that I didn’t answer her calls from the outside room to come and help. I hadn’t heard her calls as I was in the shower so not much I could really do about that. She didn’t quite see it that way but angrily told me that she was fine. So I went to bed, I was so tired by now. 

In the morning I woke up and Amy wasn’t in bed and didn’t look like she had been. I went around the house and outside and the car was also gone! I called her mum but she hadn’t heard anything. I jumped on the bike and went around to her friend’s houses nearby and around the hospital car park looking for our car but no sign. 

When I got back home the gardeners had arrived adding to the confusion. Stranger still, Amy was in the kitchen doing the washing up.

Asking where she had been I couldn’t get a straight answer but her foot seemed to be fine. 

By now I was starting to feel wound up and angry. I didn’t know what to do. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself. 

Often in situations like this I’ve found that just carrying on as normal and not showing any emotion will help so I asked Amy if there was anything she wanted me to do today to which she said no so I said ok, I’m going for coffee.

This first coffee tastes very bitter.

Something I learned today?

I really am badly affected by the lack of sunshine. It gets me down more than it should. I wonder if I don’t get enough sunshine even when it’s sunny because it’s too hot to be outside. 

Anyway, these last two cloudy days have made the temperature more hospitable. I contemplated sitting in the hammock but still working my way up to it, preferring to sit in front of the TV instead for now.

I took this picture because the avocado tree is proving to be a battler after being brutally cut down by our gardeners.

Garage Renegades – 28th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A society of no use, no one else wanted to play
Inspired to produce new anthems for today
From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads
Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes

Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking
Many more infected by songs the kids were making
Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades
Better run for cover, here come the renegades

Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.

Today I’m feeling:

Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.

Today I’m grateful for:

The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing. 

In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.

The best thing about today was:

Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.

Something I learned today?

Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.

What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?

These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.

(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)

I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.

Hands Cave – 16th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can you say hello for ten thousand years?
Can you see these words in twelve thousand and twenty-three?
What does it mean when the writing is on the wall?
Leaving one’s mark for the whole world to see
Were your dreams as big as mine today?
Staring at a sky only minutely adjusted
It’s a blink of an eye for those held on high
And in whose words were once trusted

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy and unsure which way things will go. So I’ll push myself in the direction of happiness as best I can.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two bloggers who click on the like button to almost every single thing I post. I’m reminded about this today as I had a quick look at their posts too and liked a few back.

The best thing about today was:

Getting home before midday after going to school, hanging around, having coffees and going grocery shopping. Taking advantage of this chill week before getting into the classroom.
Also seeing Mee, Yok and Petch at school again as they didn’t come yesterday. We were all happy to see each other again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing except minor inconveniences that were acceptable to my current state of mind.

Something I learned today?

I saw a nice story about Taiwanese and HKers travelling to a mainland Chinese city to celebrate a local south china festival of which I forget the details but the point is that despite all the supposed tensions between these places the average people in the street just want to get on with their lives.

I took this picture because I spied this visitor after coming home. I’m chasing other cats out from our place now as I don’t want them disturbing the harmony for our two boys.

Not Succumb – 13th February 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Do not succumb, my little friend
Little girl, let’s see the end
Together, hold my hand
By my bed you’ll stand

You must say goodbye to me
This is as these things should be
It’s far too soon for you to leave
Whilst there’s still air for us to breathe

The pain of living is our guide
To put our suffering to one side
To share our dreams and our mistakes
To laugh at all our mischief makes

So stay with me, my little friend
Even though we can’t depend
On each other to fix our pain
We’ll walk ourselves beyond this rain

Today I’m feeling:

Ok, though a little out of sorts

Today I’m grateful for:

All the staff at the hospital that pointed me in the right direction to find Mee. Despite language barriers, we could work things out with some words and pointing.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing today was watching Nong Fah helping Nong Ninja with his reading. She comforted him and helped him with some words. It was so sweet to watch and I was very impressed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Getting a message from Mee from the hospital that she tried to kill herself last night was a bit of a shock. She had talked about her problems with me before but I was hoping she wouldn’t go this far. I think it was a cry for better attention from her family but it’s difficult for me to fully understand her situation.

I went to the hospital to see her and was happy to see her friend Petch there with her. I didn’t really know what to say though. It is hard to express the knowledge that life is long and can easily change for the better in the future. She really needs professional counselling but I’m not sure how easy that is for her to access.

Something I learned today?

It’s not ‘feed a cold, starve a fever’ but ‘feed a cold and a fever’ and whatever, drink lots of water.

What do I enjoy about keeping a journal?

It’s good to get stuff out of one’s head by getting it down on paper. The main thing I enjoy though is looking back at things that were going through my head previously and noticing if I’ve managed to grow and move on since.

I took this picture because as I was walking down the street these blooms stood out against the smoky grey skies.

I received a photo from Mee this morning showing her in hospital and when I asked her what happened she said she tried to kill herself by taking an overdose of pills. I’m not sure how seriously she wanted to die though she’s talked about it before, or if she really just wants to wake her family up to her mental health problems.
From what she told me before, the medicine she is taking isn’t working and I had advised her to talk with her psychiatrist about changing it.
Anyway, after my class I went on a search of the hospital and found her. Her aunt was sitting with her and Petch was also there comforting her in bed. Mee was still groggy and in pain and obviously, we have difficulty talking because of our language skills but I wanted her to know that I cared about her and to see that other people care about her. I asked her not to leave us and hoped she’d feel better soon. There wasn’t much else to say so I left, hoping she appreciates my visit.
I messaged her later telling her I would visit again tomorrow and let me know if she wanted anything.

Negative Spurs – 22nd January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You’re either winning or learning
Embrace the struggle and pain
Push through your muscles burning
Get back up and do it again

Title appropriated from Robert Greene’s Daily Laws

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, relaxed and a little sore in my right side chest from when I came off the bike yesterday

Today I’m grateful for:

My aching body reminding me that I am still alive, reminding me of days past when wounds and pain were a part of everyday adventure.

The best thing about today was:

Having a long conversation in LINE with my student Mee after she told me she doesn’t know why she is alive. I talked about a lot of different things with her such as the dichotomy of control and methods of improving self-talk but the thing she really took to was different things to do to distract herself from spiralling out of control with negative thoughts. I told her about the FutureMe website and she immediately went off and her future self an email. It will give her a spark, something to live for, just to receive her own email after she has forgotten about it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Waking up in the night to the sound of one of our cats throwing up. I was just hoping it wasn’t on my donna but when I woke up unfortunately it was. Amy’s doona was still hanging from last night as well as the week’s clothes but there was nothing else for it except to wash my doona and hang it over my drying clothes and hoping everything would get a chance to dry. It did.

Something I learned today?

The beginning of the Jam’s Start is ripped off from the Beatles’ Taxman, a song I don’t think I’ve ever heard before until today.

If you could have 2 wishes, what would they be?

Wishes again? Ok, let’s play.

  1. I have the power to grant people two wishes.
  2. Any wish anyone makes can have no negative outcome for anyone or anything now or in the future.
I took this picture because I have to shampoo Tigger to try and clean up his skin from a fungal infection. But as soon as I’ve finished he, smartly, goes out into the sun but then rolls around in the stones which is how he gets the infection in the first place.

Inside The Cave – 18th January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Sitting at a desk struggling with pen
The whispers sadden the heart
Quietly goes the evening time
As walls all around rip apart

No muse did visit this night
And the pen resheathed in place
But sleep offered little respite
Nor the purring kitten’s embrace

All disappear in the morning glow
Both good and bad, hard reset
Return to the stool and empty paper
Where no thoughts have emerged yet

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and needed.

Today I’m grateful for:

Everything! Can I be grateful for everything? New pens, the chemist that sold me medication, the check out lady that helped repack my bag and I joked with her saying thank you for doing it properly cos I’m just a boy, the nemo CDs Yukari sent me and I blasted today, my phone, the camera, each one of my lovely students and each one of the not so lovely students and even the students I don’t know that just randomly talk with me and this and that and everything!

The best thing about today was:

Switching to my teacher’s Facebook account and finding a three-day-old message from Boss saying that he has been feeling down and wants medical help. I urgently messaged him back and thankfully he was ok. I met him at lunch time and we discussed, via lots of Google translate, getting him to the hospital on Friday morning. We talked for about thirty minutes and he was tearing up at the end and as we were about to leave he held out his arms for a hug and I felt sad for him as he obviously doesn’t get any attention or affection from his father and he appreciates the help I’m giving him.

This all came after last night when I had sent a message to Mee asking if she was ok because she had felt sick and feverish in my class. She wrote back saying that she really appreciated my message because no one else had asked her how she was. We then got talking and she mentioned she is taking antidepressants which I found unusual as she’s only 12 or 13.

But that is the age that I started to feel depressed for no good reason and it was another 17 years before I was diagnosed so I think it’s ok that it is recognised earlier now though also cautious that it’s not just a quick fix offered by doctors.

Anyway, when I saw her again today she ran up to me and gave me a hug, along with Yok and Pet. They are not great students but I’m aware they have other, bigger things going on in their lives that have an effect. They are still great kids.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Anything out of my control was handled with calm and a smile. Really there wasn’t anything except the usual issues with slack students. It’s so regular that I don’t get upset about it specifically and handle it by contacting the headteacher who can deal with it as they please.

Something I learned today?

I’ve been checking dates and information on Treworgey Tree Fayre in 1989 and found a short BBC video about English festivals. I don’t remember seeing it before but I must have at the time, the violence meted out by the police (in the Battle of the Beanfield) on the peace convoy in 1985 was vicious and appalling. It made me angry all over again. I guess this was something I relearned today.

Write about your siblings…

Well, this is a simple one. I don’t have any. I can remember when I was in Whitehaven, aged between 4 and 8, I would tell my mum that I wanted a sibling. I knew Mum had a boyfriend and I liked him. It couldn’t be that difficult could it! It wasn’t until years later I found out that he didn’t treat her so well and that is probably one of the reasons we moved away.

I took this picture because I forced myself to go outside and find something to take a picture of. Cap followed me out and so yes, it’s another cat pic but look at him. Still a lovely old man.

You Are Not One – 27th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am me, you are you
What we see, what we do
In a box and it’s all done
But you are not one

I say it, you do too
Making me, making you
Pigeonholed to belong
But you are not one

In our heads, a sum of parts
Stand divided, fool our hearts
A long road to what we become
Because you are not one

And you’re so desperate to see the lights that you don’t dare think about what’s going on in the dark.

from Troubled Souls by Garth Ennis and John McCrea

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Baew and Mee for bringing Amy home safe and sound last night after their Christmas Party. They are good friends.

Prepare for adversity! It seems the school is attempting to stop teachers from leaving the school again, so I may have to concede my coffee time at House, at least for a while. OK – I know I will have to accept this for now. Let’s see how we go! I’m writing this because I know I can get myself worked up about it because it’s dumb. I get much more work done when I am at House. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I really enjoyed a very chill day watching TV and reading. My eyes got tired and a little kratom put my body and mind into a blissful transition towards a fabulous, long, deep sleep.

I feel refreshed today and will start resetting my alarm back 5 minutes every day or two until I get back to 6.10 or 6.00 and get back on the abs regimen. The pizza and beer on the weekend saw a weight increase of 800g but I think I’ll be back under 76.5 again soon. Still heading towards that 75kg goal I set a while back but really now I’m more concerned with getting the last of the fat off my belly and chest.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young for my age, about 20 years behind, maybe even 30! I was thinking the other day about George and me being comfortable around younger people, but I think for very different reasons. For George, he is easily able to control younger people around him. They look up to him as a guide, as I once did too.

For me, I am comfortable around younger people (not necessarily young, I’m talking about up to Amy’s age) because I find them inspiring for myself. As I watch them growing, I understand more about myself. Their energies and excitements, filled with curiosity, are exciting to me. Perhaps it makes me feel somewhat superior and that is an ego boost but this is not a conscious thing. Yes, I can see where people are heading towards mistakes but I also see them find their way out of them too.

As with everyone, it is not just about age. I can see many teenagers and 20-year-olds who do not inspire or enthuse, just as I can find others older than me, still growing and learning. For me, this is a life well spent.

Am I in step with my peers? Well, I find it difficult to identify my peers. Who are they? It can’t just be people my age. And living here in Thailand, maybe still finding peers (local? farang?) blurs things further.

The auntie across the road told Amy that she couldn’t believe that I was older than her husband. We’ve never talked but she said that my actions are of a much younger person. I dunno, I get pleasure out of playing with their dog and sometimes their cat and I’m generally doing things at a more speedy pace than the locals. It’s not just a physical thing.

But again, there are some things I generally don’t like to do, things I consider may be making a fool of myself! Interesting to think about what we decide constitutes making fools of ourselves. I still won’t sing karaoke unless I’m drunk! Why is it ok then? Haha – I don’t know!