“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Looking back on my life, as this blog keeps reminding me (am I punishing myself?), has shown me that we are not what we were and makes me wonder if we ever are who we are!
This write was inspired by the line ‘merely witnessing time’ in the poem ‘unwound’ by Ken Gierke.
Shared with dVerse Meeting The Bar – not quite meeting the theme of ‘anniversary’ though this is a memory that I recall at least once a year, reminiscing on the wild emotions of discovery of new love.
The form is memento (2 stanzas, 6 lines per stanza, 2 tercets (2*3 lines) per stanza, syllable count per tercet: 8,6,2; 8,6,2, rhyme scheme abc, abc)
Inspired by this haibun by Nolcha Fox
Submitted to No Theme Thursday (and the attached picture)
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired as I definitely didn’t catch up on any missed sleep from Sunday night. Never mind. I’ll have to try tonight.
I was looking forward to sitting down with some coffee and free time when my grade 9 students called me and asked to move their class from the afternoon to this morning again.
As this kinda suits me too, leaving the afternoon free, I rushed back and we went in search of a free room, ending up in the library.
Health:
Physical: 6
Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Kratae for helping out Anchan as much as she can. It may not be much and it may not be enough for Anchan but Kratae is offering some hope at least. I will have to think of something that I can do for her as thanks one day. And I will ask Anchan for suggestions and if she can contribute in some way too.
The best thing about today was:
I felt my health improve a little over the day, especially mentally. Somehow, being at school is picking me up mentally, whilst seemingly running me down physically.
I was particularly energised after my grade 8 class finished at 12.30 but I didn’t leave school for another 45 minutes as various groups of students came to distract me, wanting to chat.
Something I learned today?
After much hassling from my students, I installed Instagram and TikTok and have been trying to work out how they work and if they are even remotely useful for me.
I still don’t quite get them or how they work. At the end of the day, I just want to use this software to stay in contact with my students in the future.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
As I was contemplating being able to finish early and go home, Anchan messaged me asking to go with her to Nong Kratae’s for the first time today this afternoon.
I guess as I wasn’t due to finish until 4.30 pm anyway, then it’s not a big deal and I’m hanging around at House catching up on reading and writing. Trying to get my brain back into poem-writing mode after a few days away from writing.
Shared with Tanka Tuesday – Kigo words ‘cats in love’
10th Nov 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – glove
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired again I think because whatever is giving me a sore throat is just taking a little out of me. I don’t feel too bad but on the edge and it could go either way.
I slept relatively early again and got up later, skipping exercise again. There’s nothing to do at school today as all the kids go off camping and thankfully the high school foreign teachers don’t have to go like the primary teachers do.
Coffee, writing and reading time and then back home. Hopefully, I can avoid an afternoon nap today though it is tempting me right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
Keeping track of various things over time, with the likes of diaries, emails and archives of things that I’ve kept.
As I was on the verge of dozing off this afternoon I wondered if it was possible to get access to my old email account, pre-2008? The idea forced me up and though I soon discovered it was impossible I started rummaging around my old Facebook archive and then even older emails and just reading through a little of those triggered more memories.
I could even see that I was explaining things in 1998 about something that happened ten years earlier that I have since forgotten!
The best thing about today was:
What I mention above. It has me excited to dive further into the detritus of my life!
Something I learned today?
A burning ban is due to start on the 15th. So everyone is getting their burning in now. It also remains to be seen if anything is actually implemented.
There was also a newspaper article today which describes the government asking people not to burn so much paper money and incense during Chinese New Year!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I think I have only spoken with two people today. Amy and Gui. Not much opportunity for either good or bad.
I did nod good morning to one of the other teachers when I signed in this morning.
I gave Tokyo her daily snack for which she is always happy.
I also replied to an old acquaintance from Sydney who contacted me to say hello and ask for music recommendations.
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 14. Learn Every Day. You’ve got to train your brain to stay alert. You don’t have to read a book a day to learn every day. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from the people around you—be open to what they can teach you.
I force a lot of stuff into my brain every day and as I find answering ‘what is something I learned today’ is often difficult it seems like much doesn’t stick.
It’s going in, adding to my overall persona (input and output) but I often find myself in a conversation where I say ‘Oh, yeah I heard about that’ but don’t have the details; or think to myself ‘I wish I could recall the things I read to keep this discussion going.’
At least, I’m aware and know that I still know little about anything at all. That’s why I ask myself every day, ‘What did I learn?’
When was the last time I felt inspired?
I reckon it was last year when I first heard SpeechOdd. I really enjoyed their music and wanted to work with them. By the end of the year the opportunity arrived.
In general, I am inspired every day. I try to write poetry every day and I’m always on the lookout for things that may drive that inspiration and have found a couple of regular resources to keep me inspired.
…and what were you like before…
Today I’m feeling:
Sore. My back and knees are complaining after stressing them yesterday whilst cleaning out the sink drain.
Today I’m grateful for:
The parking guys with their whistles at Makro. I don’t know why they are necessary or why they blow their whistles so much as it’s impossible to understand if it means anything. I almost ran the guy over because I had a clear reverse behind me and he was the only thing in the way!
The best thing about today was:
Spending a few hours in my room, catching up on reading, sorting music, downloading and listening and then practising guitar. I want to spend more time doing this but I still don’t really enjoy being in that room anymore.
Something I learned today?
The average age of a Ukrainian soldier right now is 43!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I followed up with Earn, asking her the same question as I did about six weeks ago – Tell me five things you like about yourself. Her answers are better than last time. Less focused on looks and more focused on feelings and emotions.
What is a happy memory from my childhood?
I’ve lots of snippets of memories that are not particularly happy or sad, just things that happened. Some may have felt ecstatic at the time such as playing football at school or tragic like the time I cracked my eyebrow open on the edge of a step but at this distance, they are just events. I consider my childhood to be memories until I was about halfway through middle school, pre-pubescent. After that, I consider myself a teenager until I was forty!
25 THINGS ABOUT LIFE I WISH I HAD KNOWN 10 YEARS AGO – 11. Lead the Way. When you find yourself in a situation where everyone looks at each other, it’s time for you to lead. You’re a leader when you decide to become one. There’s no initiation or a title. Just a decision.
Before going through teenage depression I thought that I could be a leader. After that though, I mostly wanted to keep my head down though I still had a selfish streak of arrogance which popped up from time to time.
Whilst doing DIY punk things in Sydney I never felt like a leader but did hope that I was an inspiration for others and I can think of two friends for sure who did take something from what I was doing and ran with it themselves.
Now, at school, in Thailand, I consider myself the same. Not as a leader but as an inspiration. I want to inspire my students to become the best of themselves. I don’t work for prizes and awards and I don’t want to be managing other adults. I don’t want to lead people in such a way as to tell them what to do. Rather than leading I just want to be doing something. Anything. Just do it.
Inspired by this story at Spinning Visions
14th Dec 2024 – Shared with Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Ghost
Today I’m feeling:
Positive but a little tired and soft-sighted. Exercise was tough again but easier than yesterday. Still only doing one set for this week. Hope to get back to two next week.
Today I’m grateful for:
Seeing all my happy students again, giving me hugs, telling me they missed me, asking for candy! But most of all to Aunwar who brought me a piece of cake for my birthday! A typical, kind, Muslim gift. If only he was good in class! Haha! He’ll get there.
The best thing about today was:
Still being able to duck out after the morning flag-raising ceremony and sit in the cafe for a couple of hours before hanging out with the kids again at lunchtime, distributing the knick-knack gifts that I brought back from Australia and then heading home around 1pm.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Originally we were told that we had a whole week of activities but today I found out that we start our scheduled classes on Wednesday. Not particularly bothered by this and I know that everything changes all the time now and can better cope with these annoyances.
Something I learned today?
A Chinese airline passenger threw coins into the engine when they were boarding. It’s happened more than once and each time they all said they did it for luck and a safe flight!
What is my favourite memory from the past month?
Being in Sydney again and catching up with friends and family. The blue skies, green trees and purple jacarandas; old familiar smells, sights and sounds.
One particular brief moment stands out and that was walking over the new park at the end of Barangaroo, along the piers of the Rocks, under the bridge and around to the Quay.
Throughout my travels around the city were constant reminders of events past, who lived where, warehouses, houses and venues for shows.
My life, guided by the dull dreary boredom-brown of England, then expanded by the city and country relaxed-excitement of Australia and contemplated here in hot-humid jungle-country Thailand. It’s hard not to be happy.
What am I learning about life right now?
I’m in the middle of a ten-day mini-meditation Stoicism course and whilst it covers many things I have learned already I need to keep reinforcing these things and keep them in mind and transfer them to practice.
I’m also learning that I don’t have enough time for everything and need to prioritise some things. I can easily fill my days. Every day.
Today I’m feeling:
Ready for the day. I had a bit of a bad dream when my alarm went off. A weird story of Nong May and I walking across a street and she bumped into a guy and they both fell over. I was concerned for both of them and we ended up catching a scary bus to get to a doctor and insurance place. Everything around was getting darker and more ominous. I could’ve slept a lot longer but I was quite glad to get out of this dream.
Today I’m grateful for:
Not having caught everyone’s colds and flu so far. Many students are sick, coughing and sneezing in class. Sooner or later I will get sick for sure but so far so good. I can feel my throat is dry and itchy just when I’m writing this!
The best thing about today was:
Feeling like my Thai language learning is improving just by using it in class more often and trying to understand the kids when they speak Thai to me. Google Translate is much better than it was a couple of years ago and I can imagine we get to a point where we don’t even bother to learn languages anymore and use super fast translation instead.
In my grade 10 class today I asked the students how often they used messaging instead of calling and it seemed to be 80/20 favouring messaging.
Will we stop talking altogether? Once we figure out converting thoughts into text maybe our mouths will only be used for eating.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Yesterday I was thinking about doing a particular exercise (running dictation) with a couple of my one-hour classes but then remembered that in previous years it had taken much longer, so I quickly switched them around to be in our two-hour classes, one of which was today.
I was then shocked to find them finished within the hour and us having time to spare. I stretched things out before letting them do other work or free time.
Everyone enjoyed the class, though they got hot with the running and as I had anticipated the lazier students soon got distracted but in the end, things turned out ok. I do the same exercise with another class tomorrow.
Something I learned today?
There are rumours that the terrible fires in Hawaii, which locals are saying may have killed a couple of thousand people, may have been deliberately started or at least had a deliberately delayed response as investors were looking to get the area cleared out to build a new ‘city’. Save time and money by letting everything burn!
The locals are still struggling to receive help or even information. It sure looks like a horrible situation and is close to a modern genocide if these people are to be believed.
What random memory comes to mind right now?
This is a difficult question to answer when sitting and trying to think of it. It then becomes not random. Random memories will pop up during the day but not at the time I have this question in my mind. All the things that happened today are already memories and they are already swirling around in the quagmire of my brain.
Next time an older memory does randomly appear I’ll try to remember it and come back and add it. Or more likely I will read this sometime in the future and all the text here will be the actual random memory.
What am I taking for granted?
I think I am probably taking a lot of things for granted right now, though because of that, they are difficult for me to identify. Everyday things such as water, electricity, internet, phone, computer data, and music are almost ubiquitous and easily taken for granted and would be stressful if taken away.
In some ways, I take Amy for granted but that is part of a relationship and we often remind each other in mostly humorous ways that we don’t do that.
Part of writing a gratitude entry every day is to be reminded not to take things for granted.
Some vague hints of dreams. Thoughts about how you would live your last 24 hours. Imagining today is my last – all the things unfinished – but every life is left unfinished. Wingsuit riders living life to the fullest. Not sure I could do that. My thrills are different. This old man likes reading books. What a joke. I should’ve gained this wisdom as a young man. But here I am and I gotta live.
This weekend I found many lurking memories and thrilled to return to them but life is not just about the past. What of my future? I don’t want to spend my future just documenting my past I want to add to my memories where I can.
Fatman report
Weight: 77.6kg
Resting heart rate: 49
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for a week off from the kids, this week being Scout week, whatever that means. I still have to do some things with them but at least it’s not another week in the classroom.
I am so happy and grateful for the cool foggy morning. Fog like God’s breath over the jungle.Thankful for another day of breath of my own. I want to keep breathing for as long as I can.
Scout week at school means lots of free time, though, of course, I have filled up all my free time enjoying reading, writing, sketching and thinking.
I enjoyed the weekend though it could have been a couple of days longer. I started off in a blaze and kinda ran out of energy by Sunday afternoon, though listened to podcasts whilst dozing, keeping information flowing.
I finished Notes From Underground and immediately started reading it again – this time underlining passages of interest. I also really dug Eleven Minutes which inspired some writing on Saturday moring.
Started on The Infinite Jest – feels like it may be a slog but I’ll give it a shot.
Have been doing things from my list bit by bit. Feeling good about what I’m doing.
To-do list
I am so happy and grateful that I pushed myself for a few extra minutes this morning, forcing myself out of bed, doing some more stretches and exercise.
Brain dump
Not sure of the date – losing time! Sebadoh today. Soul and Fire.
Woke up in my dream – it was an interesting dream. I was visiting a psychiatrist and had been waiting with tons of other people for ages – was drinking terrible coffee – psych laughed with me about how bad it was.
Sat down with her eventually, felt safe and secure. She started talking about people in my past and bad things that have happened to them despite them being rich and happy (ambitious). They had tried to cheat and got caught. I told that I heard about it even though I was very far removed from these events. I felt happy that they had been caught – somehow, that they had been brought down to my level.
When I woke up I wondered why I thought like that. And why I needed to say anything. I didn’t really need to say or think about these people at all but I somehow keep comparing myself to others. I need to value my own self.
I was also disappointed I woke up before I got to tell the psych whatever it was I was feeling. Maybe my subconscious wanted me to wake up before I could get the advice because it knows I already have the advice in my head. I just need to remember and use it already.
Memories about a Chinese girl in the MacQuarrie Uni class – I’d liked her but acted so dumb and stupid. I got upset with her because she acted cold to me but still said nice things. I didn’t understand this at the time.
To-do list
Back to another quiet day – only another week or so to go until students come back. It will be a little strange to get back to (semi) normal.
I read a lot of Promised Neverland today – really enjoying its philosophical outlook with an odd creepy dystopian story.
I felt good and positive with myself all day. I had enough energy to record another TCRAH and enjoy it. I had more to write but much of it has gone out of my mind now!
1994ever 